Can't find how to love SD

madresegundaNovember 23, 2009

I needed some input on this from other Step moms. I have a 12 yr old SD that comes with all the drama, lying, and backtalking that a young girl can have. She's with us 2 times a week and every other weekend. She's not a bad kid but she's heading the wrong way and I feel like I'm the only one who sees it. She's extremely lazy to the point that if I want her to get out of a room I just need to start cleaning and she's gone in 2 seconds. She still hasn't stopped whining and it actually has gotten worse anytime she wants something she whines non stop untill you get it for her. She's always asking us for money and we give it to her sometimes twice a week which I don't care but that she is very irresponsible and losses her $20 allowance money all the time and most times I find it in the laundry. She's even doing horribly at school from my standards cause last I checked you should be able to at least read your grade level clearly by age 12.

I am still experiencing lots of jelousy issues with me and her dad.When we hug she jumps in, when we want to go to bed she's in our bed not wanting to leave. Even with material things like when he buys me something she HAS to have one too. I feel like it's so unfair that I have to be the bad one cause she doesn't act this way with her mom and her dad thinks she's an angel. Yet I'm the one always correcting her. I stop her right in her tracks when she backtalks and is disrespectful, and tell her exactly how I feel on how she doesn't lift a finger around the house. She knows not to cross the line but walks right on it you know...

Anyways lately she's been very loving with me to the point that I sometimes don't know how to feel about it. It's like I yell at her one minute and 5 minutes later she's hugging and kissing me. Don't get me wrong I don't treat her mean at all I'm the one she wants to hang out with all the time.We go shopping and out to eat together I'm 10 years younger than her mom and dad so I'm more like a big sister to her. I tried to read child books on behavior to help me understand how she can be so mean to me and suddenly want to be this loving child.

The problem is I've been with her dad for 4 years now and I have grown a thick skin to deal with her without losing my mind and I can't seem to open my heart enough to love her. It's like all this time of resentment towards her can't just go away because she's going into puberty and wants to now be loving I feel like I need time. How do I deal with this. I feel like she's so happy to come home and I'm so happy to see her leave and I don't want to keep feeling this way.

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Well I have to say it is a good sign that even when you discipline her she acts lovey soon after. I know you have been through a lot with this girl, but put yourself in her shoes. Being a pre-teen is hard enough. Then add divorced parents and a new stepmom into the mix and it can be brutal!

If there are specific things you expect like chores and respect then your husband needs to also approach these things with his daughter. You two need to have the same expectations. Kids need boundries and consistancy.....not one person in the home allowing one thing and the other person expecting something different.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2009 at 6:02PM
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Count yourself blessed that you SD wants to love on you that way... That is very rare behavior. Not every child progresses in school the same way, SD may have a LD. Something to get checked out before it gets out of hand.

Yes, pre-teens are lazy! Yes, they are irresponsible! It doesn't get better for quite a few years. I absolutely agree your SD should have boundaries. I live with a DH that was a "Disney Dad" to his kids for years until he saw how it was affecting my relationship with him and his kids. I'm 12 years younger than my DH so I think his girls always had a hard time looking at me a parental figure.

Sounds a bit like the jealousy goes both ways, that maybe you are a bit jealous of the attention she gets from Dad and her "butting in" to your and DH's personal moments and space. I get this, I was in your shoes at one point. Once DH knew that it bothered me he backed his girls off a bit. It really helped me that he respected me enough to do that. It probably hurt their feelings a bit at the beginning, but he was consistent and the girls learned how far they could push.

My prayers are with you. You can't expect to fall in love with this child overnight, but with some boundaries and consistency, you could have a beautiful relationship with her and actually miss her when she's gone and look forward to her coming!

    Bookmark   November 24, 2009 at 4:28PM
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