So Many Emotions . . .

Amber3902November 29, 2011

It's been almost a month since I broke up with my BF because we couldn't get along on issues regarding his son. I've been trying to stay busy with work, school and my daughters, but there are times when I find myself thinking about him and I still miss him.

Sometimes I get resentful and wish that BF's son would just go away and everything could go back to how it used to be. When it was just the four of us, me, BF and my two girls, everything was fine. Then I have to remind myself that it's not BF's son fault, that it's really BF's fault for spoiling his son and allowing him to do the things his son does.

Last week BF had another check he needed me to cash for him. I had told him I would continue to do it until the end of this year for him. We were leaving the bank and he asked "So remember we said we would take a month and you would check and see how I'm doing with making E behave? From when are you counting that month?" I said, "I know at first I'd said I'd give you a month to make changes but I thought about it and I don't think a month will be long enough. I think we both need to just move on. "

Then exBF basically started begging me to give him more time to change. I said Before I thought you said I needed to accept you the way you are, that you shouldn't have to change? He said Now I realize you were right, change is good if you're changing to become a better person.

I told him he shouldn't make changes because of me. He needs to do them for himself and his son, regardless of whether I'm in the picture or not. He kept talking and all I could think of was how mad I was that NOW he wanted to make all these changes, NOW that I've broken up with him.

Finally I said "Now that I break up with you, now you realize I was right, or you say I'm right. I shouldn't have to break up with you to make you realize what you need to do. Do you realize how much time I've spent these past few months, doing research to help you, both with getting custody of E and how to fix your tax problem? But you didn't want to hear my advice. You'd even get angry at me when I tried to tell you what you could do to get custody of your son.

He said "You're right, I didn't want to listen to you. I was reacting to you that way because BM would hound me with questions and I realize I was treating you as if you were BM and not Amber."

We talked some more, and BF said he was not asking me to put my life on hold, he just asked that in a little while that I "check him out" and see how he's doing with making his son behave. I said fine but I was not making any promises.

So many emotions. One day I feel lonely and miss him, other days I think of what an idiot he's been on so many things and get annoyed. Sometimes I come on here and start reading the threads I've wrote about him and realize I'm better off without him.

And re-reading some the threads I realized I was making some excuses for him, I didn't want to admit that maybe BF wasn't as great as at first I thought he was. Like, BF has had over seven years to get custody of his son but didn't do anything about it.

And then I get mad, mad for investing so much time into this relationship. I feel like I wasted my time! I hate that I love being around him but can't stand to be around his son. I know it's a package deal, but it's really not fair because I only want the father, I don't want the son. It's like you meet someone and fall in love with them, then the guy says, by the way - here's my brother and he's going to be a part of this relationship as well.

I know you'll say - well, you knew when you first started dating that he had a son. Yeah, but people say WAIT to introduce the kids. That is the worst advice either! So you wait to introduce the kids, and meanwhile you're becoming attached to the dad. By the time you meet the kids any misgivings you might have are squashed by the feelings you have developed for the dad!

I hate it! GRRRRRRRR!!! Anyway, thanks for listening!

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I don't know if it's an option for you...but I have decided not to "blend" families with my GF of almost 4 years...for reasons ALL having to do with the kids. If the kids were not in the picture we probably would have been living together after a year or so....but there are SO many things to consider when "blending" families, I just decided it was not something I was willing to do. I know she would...but she knows my reasons, and says she understands. I have 50% custody of my two kids, girl 14 / boy 11, and she has 100% custody her son, 12. It's tough enough trying to live with a 50/50 custody arrangement....last thing I want to do is factor in a part-time her son and mine, while they are friends, are a bit of a oil-vinegar son has battles with him about stuff he never fights with his other friends about. Plus...I think I'd go nuts if I had to live with her son, he's a nice kid and all, but a little on the 'baby-ish' side for his age and does lots of things that irk me...and honestly the last thing I want to do is ever be mean to him and get on his case for stuff...that's not my job.

Again, it's not GF lives for her son and is a great mom...but I gotta put my kids first. Financially of course we are way worse off this way....but its only money, I only get a few more years of having my kids under my roof, I don't want to mess it up.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2011 at 2:45PM
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Sorry you're having a difficult adjustment period. I'm sure it is hard with the holidays and all. Breaking up and moving on is never easy and you're bound to have second thoughts ect. There is no 'key' to just reach in and turn off your heart.

Now, without trying to sound like a mean cold ol' lady, I really wish you could try and stop putting so much focus all the child. Yes, I know he was the main issue old BF and you fought over recently, but I think if you go back and reread again some of your posting...the parts about BF himself, not the child trouble might find the child is right now just the easy 'target' to blame but not all that troubled that relationship.

It's real easy to be the BF. The good guy that makes one swoon and life seems easy and carefree. At least during the 'dating' process. But even if the child did not exist, you know there were other issues. The 'tax' thing is a major issue in and of itself. The parenting styles (even if he had no child) would still be an issue when it came time for BF to have lived 24/7 with you and just your girls. Do you really think the 'tax' thing and the having to sneek jobs under the table and always have his huge financial issues hanging around would have been 'ok' if not for his son in the picture?

If you go see how he is parenting in a few months and see that he is parenting the child better, what then? Do you then go back in another few months after that and see if BF himself is better in his 'tax' thing/ job situation? How long do you keep checking? How long do you keep hoping 'if only'?

Hugs to you. I know you're hurting, but please think real hard before you jump back in just because the cild maybe behaves a tad better or that you have not met someone new yet or whatever. Only you can know what is right or not for you and your girls, but IMO based soley on your postings you're entered here, this guy was not 'Mr. Right' even if he seemed like it for a while. he might have been a great BF, but he's not move in, marry and build a solid secure future with guy.

I'm sorry if I've offended you...was not my's just your post here in this thread makes it sounds as if 'if not for that child', and I dont' think that's the case. That child just may have ended up helping you avoid a world of hardship and years of frustration in the long run.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2011 at 2:56PM
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Kroopy - I hear what you're saying, but I can't even stand to be around BF's son not even for a little while. I only put up with him for BF's sake. I tried getting along with him, but at the end of the day, I really could not get used to the kid. I know what you mean about a kid driving you nuts. The whole time he's with us I'm worrying he's going to break something, or telling him not to interrupt, or trying to find something to keep him occupied because he's so hyper. Or I'll catch him doing something wrong and then I have to debate do I say something to BF or not, afraid it's going to cause another arugment. It's exhausting! And when exBF got him full time, we never got a break from him.

JMT - Thanks, you are such a doll. No, you haven't offended me. How can you when you are only stating the truth? You're right, the son was only one of several issues, and it's easy just to blame things on the son when I know the REAL problem was with BF.

"Do you really think the 'tax' thing and the having to sneek jobs under the table and always have his huge financial issues hanging around would have been 'ok' if not for his son in the picture?"
By golly, you are so right, which is why I knew I need to post on here to get my head back on right.

"That child just may have ended up helping you avoid a world of hardship and years of frustration in the long run."
You know, my friend said almost the same thing! She said that BF's son moving in with him turned out to be a good thing, because it made me realize that me and BF were not going to work out. She also said I deserved better.

I'm sorry to be such a wet blanket, I guess I'm just feeling a little down and depressed, and wishing I could get back to the old feelings. But I'm not going to let those feelings led me back to him, though, no matter how hard it is. He was a good BF, but that's it.

No, I can't wait around, checking every month or so to see if he's parenting the child better, then see if he's got the tax situation taken care of, see if he's handling the BM and grandmother better, see if he's not getting defensive when I ask him questions, see if he'll listen when I give him advice on custody, etc. etc.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2011 at 3:45PM
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I'm so sorry you're riding this roller coaster.

I know, from my own experience & from other women's stories, that
1. a lot of men live for the chase and that
2. men are addictive.

they'll pursue you & wine you & dine you & *charm* you, & once they've "got" you, the chase is over.

Then they take you for granted & if/when you express unhappiness, all they have to do is mumble something & wait until you quit complaining.
& so often, it works, & they're content, & you never get what you want/need.

We women, on they other hand, really bond, & once we've bonded, we stick like glue.
Haven't we all shaken our heads or rolled our eyes in despair when one of our friends cries because her guy is treating her badly, but she won't leave him because she "loooves" him?
not to mention the times we've done it ourselves.

When we find ourselves accepting the unacceptable & believing the unbelieveable, that's addiction.

Imagine some guy walking up to you & saying, "Hi, there, I think you're cute & I'd like to get you to straighten out my credit, pay my rent, wash my underwear, & cook & clean for me, in return for which, I'll let you do it."

You'd tell him to push off without pausing to think it over.

Yet when we find ourselves doing all that for a boyfriend/fiance/husband, we don't boot him in the hiney;
we keep doing it & weep & cry that we're unhappy & we beg him to clean up his act & to treat us better.

The best way to get clean & sober is to go cold turkey for at least a month;
no visits, no dates or even coffees, accept no flowers or cards or gifts, no emails, no listening to favorite songs or going to favorite places.

Put something else in place so there isn't an emptiness begging to be filled, but keep your life free of this man until your equilibrium is restored.

You'll know this has happened when you notice that the unreasonable things this former love wants you to do are unreasonable & that you can't believe that you put up with the nonsense.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 2:51PM
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I forgot to add that a promise to do better or to change is almost guaranteed to not work out.

The guy who promises to change is often playing the chase/hunt game all over again;
he'll promise anything to get you back in place, &
once he "wins", the game is over & he reverts to his old habits/behavior.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 3:03PM
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How did this become about "him" taking advantage of her, treating her like sh*t and ignoring her needs? The OP's post, and her previous threads, have mainly been about his son...with a sprinkling of his other baggage mixed in...but I didn't hear from the OP much about the stuff you are speaking of.

Don't let your past experiences/observations about "a lot of men" change the topic of the post...most of the OP's posts up to this point have involved issues with the kids, and parenting.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 3:54PM
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Kroppy - I don't think Sylvia was saying my BF treated me like crap.

I think she is trying to say that we women ask our man over and over to change whatever is causing problems in the relationship and even when our man does not change we still stay with him.

I did try for almost a whole year to work with BF on issues regarding his son's behavior, and at first he was very defensive whenever I said something to him about his son, then he got a little better but as more time passed he started getting defensive again. The problem was definitely with BF and not his son, plus he had other issues going on as well.

Thanks Sylvia - I do agree with you that any changes he makes will most likely only last long enough to get me back. Plus, as JMT mentioned, there were several other issues exBF had. In addition to not filing taxes his whole life (which means he will have NO social security to collect when he turns 65) .... he would b*tch and complain about things BM did, he'd complain that the grandma got to see the grandson more than him, and it seems he was more interested in complaining that he didn't have custody of his son instead of actually doing something about it. There was so much drama between him and his BM's mother it was stressing me out. Not to mention I found out he was still smoking weed, even after his son had moved in with him.

I think so long as I continue to think about all the issues exBF had, instead of longing for the old feelings I think I'll be okay.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 5:11PM
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I just don't see how it could ever work, kid issues or not. Think you have gotten some great advice here. Don't go back there. Your life will be so much better if you walk now. The whole situation is so-so stressfull and think of YEARS spent like this.

And what Mr. Koopy said about moving in together- I really wish in hindsight DH & I waited until all the kids were grown and out and THEN married. But hindsight is 20/20. You have the benefit of many years of experiences here. Don't look back.


    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 11:06PM
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Thanks, Cat.

"The whole situation is so-so stressfull and think of YEARS spent like this."
When I come on here and read all the problems ya'll are having, it reminds me I made the right decision.

I think what clinched for me was on another thread I asked the ladies if they had to do it all over again, would they have gotten involved with a man who had BM drama/children from a previous relationship?

Many woman said if they had known then what they know now, they would not have gotten involved with a man who had BM drama. While my ExBF did not necessarily have BM drama, he still had a lot of drama/issues.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 1:42PM
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Imagine some guy walking up to you & saying, "Hi, there, I think you're cute & I'd like to get you to straighten out my credit, pay my rent, wash my underwear, & cook & clean for me, in return for which, I'll let you do it."

This made me laugh - seriously. I love my husband dearly but it would be nice for him to have said this to me upfront lol it's taken a year for me to get him to realize that he just decided to sit back and 'let' me do everything he was doing for himself before I came along and in turn, he became extremely lazy. Which caused us to have a very difficult first year of marriage. We are past this hump now but ever so often I have to allow his laundry to pile up before it clicks with him 'oh crap I need undies and she isn't gettin' em done fast enough, I better help'

It was just a bit funny to me and what I've been through lol

As far as the lonely, longing feelings for exbf, Amber I do know how you feel. After I got divorced, I met a man that was in the military and was only here on leave. We communicated by phone, text, he visited, I visited him etc. I loved him so deeply, I never thought I would or could love the same as I loved him. I really thought I had found my 'sole mate'. Compared to what I had been married to previously, he was everything I had ever longed for in a lonely marriage. He was devoted, dedicated, polite, honorable, loyal, not only to me but to this country, we shared interests, he taught me things I never knew about, took me places, the traveling was one of the most enjoyable parts of our relationship. My parents liked him a lot and really supported this relationship. It ended for reasons that were not our control. He could not live here and I could not follow him around the world to his different deployments because I can not leave the state with my daughter - I would have had to give custody to my ex (and that was not going to happen). We struggled with a long distance relationship because we got to a point where neither of us could continue to afford to go back and forth traveling. I decided to take the break. He would text or call occasionally and I would ignore. I cried for weeks. I think actually months. I was very depressed. Everyone told me to call him!! We could work it out - it was only until Dd turned 18.. She was 5 At the time. LONG time until 18. I never called. In fact, I had deleted his number and because I was so reliant on speed dial, I never learned the #. I deleted his emails, I could not bring myself to throw away his pictures but I put them away. It took me a good 6 months to have him out of my system. I don't know what he went through because I never talked to him again. Once I ignored him for a while, he went away and never tried again. I also had changed my number. I eventually wore a smile on my face and I started putting myself 'back out there'. I had become a hermit and never went anywhere except to work and back again.

I met my now Dh but that doesnt mean I ever stopped 'loving' that ex. The existence of him in my brain faded over time and I started realizing, wow I've gone 2 weeks without thinking of him, wow I have gone three months. Until most recently, I realized, gosh I don't think I've thought of him in probably an entire year or more. And that was when he had asked me to be friends on FB. I actually hesitated. I left his request there for quite a while before I decided. In fact, the impact of the request caused me to not even log on to FB for more than a week. I decided to go ahead and accept. I found that he is married and is getting out of the military next month. He is really happy as am I. He sent me a message and said wow little myfam is SO big!! I can't believe it's been this many years and wow you have a little boy! Congrats! It's good to see you happy. By the way, I think we made the right decision back then even though it was very hard and it took me a LONG time to accept it, I'm so glad you're happy and I'm happy too. I'm glad we can be friends.

I didn't log back on to FB for even longer after reading that message because I just wasn't sure how it was effecting me. I put it out of my mind expecting that I was going to become miserable and have 'drama' over it. Lol then I realized, holy cow I completely forgot he sent that message oops I never responded. I thought it was going to be hard for me but ha! I fooled myself. It wasn't hard, I'm happy and have NO reason to look back on that time of desperation and loneliness... I am where I'm supposed to be. It was my time with him that landed me where I am today and honestly, I don't think I believe in soul mates but I think I found the one that I WANT to be with, not the one that I thought I was supposed to be with.
Healing and moving on just takes time. It is hard. It takes you removing yourself from any contact. You have to want to stop the contact and you have to want to move on. It takes time. I hope you'll find the strength during those hard days to stay strong and to push through the urge. I seriously believe dieting and quitting smoking are much easier than healing a broken heart - cause I've been there. My divorce wasn't even that hard. Lol

Good luck stay strong!

    Bookmark   December 3, 2011 at 4:37PM
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Thanks for sharing your story.
"I think we made the right decision back then even though it was very hard and it took me a LONG time to accept it, I'm so glad you're happy and I'm happy too. I'm glad we can be friends."

Looks like you did the right thing for both of you, even though it was very hard to do at the time. Your experience has made you who you are today, the same as my experience with my exBF has changed my perspective. When I got divorced I knew a lot of what I wanted in a man, and now after this past relationship I know even more.

It's gets easier and easier with every day that passes. I even talked to him yesterday and was able to talk without getting upset, worked up or feeling like I miss him. We were able to talk as friends. He said he finally talked to the IRS, who said since he is now in contact with them, he can work a regular job without fear of them garnishing his wages. He also got in contact with a lawyer, who is willing to do the paperwork needed to get the child support situation taken care of, in return for him doing work on the lawyer's house.

I told him what was going on with my daughter, my ongoing fight with the school to get her help and he was supportive. He said he will always be a friend I can talk to. And I'm fine with that. I know while I care for him, I can never be with him again. And I'm okay with that. I'm in a better place than I was just a few days ago when I first started this thread. And I have the folks on here to thank for reminding me why breaking up with him was the right decision.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2011 at 5:44PM
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((Amber)) I think you did the right thing too.
The best decision usually isn't the easiest that's for sure.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 2:00AM
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