Tell me what you think????

imamommyNovember 8, 2008

I've posted a few times about my stepdaughter's foot. Since there are quite a few new posters here, I'll give a little background.

SD is 9. BM & DH had 50/50 until last September when BM moved away to live with BF (after heated 5 mo custody battle) and just gave over SD to us. She's told SD she wants SD to come live with her but has not taken any action to make it happen, I think she says it to ease her guilt when SD is pressuring her, so BM tells SD that DH took her away from her. SD has been told that DH did NOT take her away from BM. Also, BM has been saying she's gonna go for custody since being ordered to pay $216 in CS in April, yet she hasn't paid anything. She is also to pay 1/2 of medical bills, also paid nothing so far. I'm frustrated because BM's lies & breaks promises to SD (and SD's disappointment) is taken out on me. Whether she is upset with her mom or dad, I am the target... I've accepted that & doing my best to let it go.

Anyways, the foot issue:

During the summer, SD was with her mom. She played on the trampoline & when she jumped off, got a thorn stuck in her foot. BM & SD didn't tell us. Toward the end of summer, SD told DH she had a bump on her foot but said she had no idea what it was or what it could be. He thought it looked like a spider bite, so he didn't do much with it. (I didn't look at it) A couple of weeks later, she complained about it again & he realized a spider bite wouldn't still be there so he showed it to me. I saw a black dot in the middle & said it looks like a splinter or thorn. So, I asked her if she showed her mom (since she was at her moms during the week in the summer & with us only on the weekends during summer.) and she told me she told her mom but her mom told her to tell her dad to take her to the doctor. This was the week before school started & I made an appointment to take her. My assumption is that BM didn't want to pay the $20 copay so she told SD to have us take her. At the first visit, she finally admitted she knew she stepped on a thorn. (I think she didn't want to say that because it might make her mom look bad or she might have thought her mom would get in trouble because it happened at her house or she didn't take SD to the doctor for it. I really don't know why she lied about not knowing how it happened) Her primary doctor removed the thorn but it left a small cut on her foot. The next day, she went to BM's for the weekend & that Sunday she came back with very dirty feet. She claims she took a shower but there was a lot of dirt on the bottoms of her feet & no band aid. The wound was black from the dirt. Also, the swelling hadn't gone down so I took her back to the doctor. They thought maybe they missed some of the thorn so the doctor cut into the spot to allow it to drain. She was to soak her foot & keep it dressed. Again, she goes to BM's house & comes back with it full of dirt again, no dressing, etc. Again, I took her to the doctor & it was worse. This time, the doctor cut out all the way around the spot & told me she suspected it was a wart. Not sure how a wart gets there but I presume it was when the first doctor removed the thorn & left an open sore... I believe warts are caused from a virus that entered through the open sore. Anyways, she again goes to her mom's & didn't take care of it. We went back to the doctor & she treated it with a topical medication & bandaged it saying to leave it bandaged until her next visit in 2 weeks. SD yanked off the bandage that night & I re-bandaged it. She hasn't been back to her mom's since then because last weekend was DH's. She went with BM this weekend. Her appointment with the foot doctor is on Monday and when the appointment was made, I assumed SD would be in school. I made sure the appointment was set for after school so she wouldn't have to be pulled out of class. On Thursday night, SD told BM that her foot was oozing and DH/I checked it and the wart came off and a bit of pus oozed out. BM said it's probably infected and told SD to tell daddy to get her to the doctor. Well, her appointment is on Monday so that is the soonest she can be seen.

So, yesterday (Friday) BM calls DH and tells him that since it's a holiday weekend, she's keeping SD until Tuesday. He tells her fine, but she'll need to bring SD to her doctor visit. She tells him no, it's her weekend and we shouldn't have scheduled anything on her time. I can see her point, but WTF? She was just insisting the night before that her daughter NEEDS to get this taken care of. On top of that, there is a $50 cancellation fee since we are not able to give 24 hours notice that will have to be paid before she is seen again. And we're not sure if the doctor will be able to see her this week or not. We didn't know it was a holiday weekend... the holiday is Tuesday, not Monday. It didn't even cross my mind because if it were a holiday, a doctor's office wouldn't have made me an appointment. So, it was an honest mistake. We gave BM the option of taking her or us picking her up on Sunday & we'll take her. She told DH that she would have her see a doctor over there (in her town) but then came back and told him to reschedule it because she hardly ever gets to see her daughter & this is HER time. (and she threw in that she isn't paying any cancellation fee since we made the appointment on her time)

She is so freakin' worried about HER time, but two weeks ago, she canceled because she had 'knee surgery' but was out shopping for halloween stuff with BF & his kids and going to BF's kids' soccer games, while SD was home crying & upset that mom is hurt & can't get out of bed. Then, BM sent DH a text that she wants to trade weekends because SD's sister has a taekwondo event on the 15th, so can she take SD on the 22nd instead. WTH? She doesn't want to take her daughter to the sister's event? Why would THAT be a problem? Then, I see on myspace that her best friend is having a big party on the 15th. Every month, her best friend throws these wild parties & then post pictures of everyone falling down drunk, half naked & doing body shots, etc. Her BF already canceled the weekend with his kids to go with BM to SD's sister's event, but if she takes SD, she won't have anyone to babysit her. BM's mom will keep SD's sister but doesn't like to watch SD. (there's a favoritism issue there). She is probably planning to go to the party after the older daughter's event and of course, that daughter lives with grandma so grandma will watch her.

I guess I'm feeling frustrated because the bills for SD are mounting... weekly counseling because of her feelings of abandonment from her mom, doctor visits her mom insists we take her to, calls to CPS where BM is complaining we are neglecting her by not taking her to see the doctor over every little complaint, and the fact that BM won't pay a penny for anything. DCSS is on her ass but that takes time & meanwhile, SD comes to tell us 'mom want you to take me to the doctor' for this or that, but when SD really needs to see the doctor & it's on mom's time, it's a big fat NO. So, SD is gonna suffer and we are again stuck paying an extra $50 for nothing. This wart has already cost me $100 in visits/copays. My frustration isn't really about the money, but that does exasperate it. But, I do feel like BM is doing this on purpose to make us spend more on medical bills.

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sweeby

What a whack job! Can you email her so you'll have a nice written record for your file? I'd say something along the lines of:

BioMom told you Thursday that SD's foot looked infected and needed to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible. Since you're concerned about her health, you got the first appointment you could, which was on Monday. Now you're confused. Has SD's foot improved so much that seeing a doctor isn't necessary? Or is BioMom simply not able/willing to take her DD to the doctor?

    Bookmark   November 8, 2008 at 5:16PM
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believer

OMGoodness! imamommy! Too bad there isn't something for you guys like the witness protection program. I think I would just implode. I don't even know what to say.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2008 at 6:00PM
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gerina

Maybe it's your DH's turn to call CPS on BM for not taking DD to a medically necessary post-surgical appointment. After all, there are many documented complications and subsequent procedures due to BM's neglect of DD's foot.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2008 at 6:58PM
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lovehadley

What a wackjob!

I would definitely get something "in writing." Send her an email (or have DH do it) that says pretty much what sweeby suggested. Then make sure you keep a copy for your records.

What does DH think you should do?

    Bookmark   November 8, 2008 at 8:24PM
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minnesota_mama

OK - I'm new. What is BM and DH?

I agree that you should write down everything. Keep good notes. What exactly do you and your husband want differently? Once you agree on what you want, then stay the course. Don't let them take control of your life. They're making life chaotic and crazy. Stay the course with what you guys want no matter what they do.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2008 at 11:35PM
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imamommy

DH and BM (meaning Dear Husband and Bio Mom) have been sending emails back & forth. He insists on everything being in writing since she lies about everything and will deny she said something or lie about what was said, etc. We also have a journal that is 50+ typed pages as documentation of everything she does.

His first email basically told her that his primary concern is her foot. He explained that it was a mistake it got scheduled on her time but since she hasn't been able to go with her daughter to the doctor, she would be able to meet the doctor and get information firsthand. She also brought up how upset she is that she wasn't invited to SD's birthday party 8 months ago. He told her that he's not getting into what happened 8 months ago (she was diverting attention to other issues, besides SD's foot) He called her on her lie about her knee surgery, telling her she had been seen out shopping with BF & his kids when she told SD she could hardly walk. She responded with "did whoever saw me mention I had a leg brace on under my jeans?" (who wears a leg brace after a knee biopsy?) and then she ranted about how she is taking him to court for custody because SD wants to live with her. The only thing she suggested, so SD could see the doctor on Monday, is for us to pick up SD on Monday at noon and bring her back after the doctor visit. Yeah right! We are going to drive 3 hours, pick her up... take her to the doctor & drive her 3 hours back. Then turn around and drive it again on Tuesday. SD would spend six hours on Monday and three hours on Tuesday, driving. So, DH told her that either we pick her up on Sunday & take her or she brings her to the appointment on Monday & he will get SD from her after the appointment or we will have to reschedule. Anything else puts SD in the car too long and it's not fair to SD to be shuffled back & forth.

I liked Gerina's suggestion to call CPS but we are not going to make a report. We are going to call the worker that came out and talked to us last month, explain the situation and hopefully, she will just give BM a call if she thinks it's neglect in any way. CPS isn't going to do an investigation because SD lives with us, but maybe a phone call would help her see that this is about what is best for SD, not BM's right to have time with her. (btw, I agree her time is her time, but I also have less sympathy when she cancels all the time & spends time with her BF's kids, not her own... but, and I could be wrong, I believe she is doing this to stir up trouble and be difficult (or inconvenience me since she knows I will have to drive up there during the week when DH is working~ which is probably why she suggested Monday at noon... and she knows I have to go on Tuesday too) but she is also postponing/interfering with SD's treatment, which should be her primary concern.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2008 at 1:45AM
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pseudo_mom

Your SD doesn't have school on Monday?

My SC do but my son doesn't different school districts.

Does her visitation agreement include the monday holidays? even so its not really a monday holiday its a tuesday holiday. And if that's the case stick to the schedule exact till she gets the message ...she is a child not a toy.

Would hubby tell her directly ..... either you bring her to our home or the doctors on monday or I am calling CPS because you are medically neglecting her? (I know my hubby wouldn't have the guts to say it ...but I would and follow throught too)

When mom needed something done for the kids I refused ... but if hubby needed it done I was readily available.

Would hubby tell her well I am at work during the day so no one is available to get SD? and when she responds well IMA can ... he can say she's not going to do you any favors ... would you do it for her? (my hubby did say this)

This is her own guilt because she is going to blow off SD next week to do whatever.

OH and DOR hasn't done anything about CS? put her in contempt for non-payment and refusing medically necessary treatment for SD.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2008 at 1:52PM
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mom2emall

If it were me I would tell BM "sure we will pick her up at noon on Monday and bring her back after the doctor". Then I would pick her up, bring her to the doctor, and go home. When BM calls later tell her that the dr. appointment took longer than expected and you are now unable to drive sd back to her....sorry!

SD then gets to the dr and you don't waste any more money.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2008 at 3:46PM
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sweeby

That actually sounds pretty good... What a day to have car trouble?

    Bookmark   November 9, 2008 at 4:42PM
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imamommy

I guess DH's last email to her had an impact? (He had to send it to her yahoo email because she blocked him on her myspace after the second email where the told her she is being selfish and all he cares about is SD's foot.) She called about an hour ago & left him a voice message saying he might as well pick her up tonight because SD is complaining it hurts and then she added that we might want to know that BF's daughter has the stomach flu so SD was exposed to that and might get sick. BF's daughter was with her mom this weekend. BM took SD to BF's daughter's soccer game, so SD had no reason to be around her if she really is sick. But, I just love how BM tells us like "it's YOUR problem if she gets sick." The love for her daughter was SO apparent in her voice **sarcastic gag**. So, we had not planned to go, but now we are. She succeeds in ruining our plans but then again, we care that SD is taken care of. Ha, I had a glimmer of hope that she'd jump at the chance to play mom & take her own daughter to the doctor. Especially after DH threw it up in her face that SHE is mom and should start putting SD first. I suppose she will now pat herself on the back that she is accommodating US by letting us come get her two days early and take her to the doctor (and of course pay for it). We are so darn lucky she is so nice to us. GOSH!!!

How much does anyone wanna bet that she's gonna ask us to return her favor by keeping SD next weekend? After all, she will see this as a favor to us, not SD.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2008 at 4:50PM
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finedreams

awful woman. no comments.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 7:22PM
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nivea

I would have a permanent headache dealing with all of that. Kudos to you and DH.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 7:43PM
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justnotmartha

Thorn in the foot = thorn in your side = thorn up her . . . .?

Sure is funny how these life threatening injuries aren't so dire when the complainer actually has to be the fixer, huh? We've called BM out on this one a couple times . . . she's never appeared to 'get it.' When you are never wrong, I guess you never do.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 12:13AM
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imamommy

Today I drove 45 minutes to the area where the appointment was. I took SD to lunch & was going to window shop until her appointment. Then, about an hour before her appointment, the doctor's office called to tell me they had to reschedule because the doctor got called into emergency surgery. So, they can see her Tuesday morning. So, we hung out for a while and then came home.

BM never called to find out how she is, or how it went. SD called her at 5:30 pm and talked for about a minute, just long enough for BM to tell her she can't talk right now, she'll call her back in an hour....

You guessed it, she never called back! What a concerned mom!

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 12:45AM
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ashley1979

Good suggestion! That's exactly what's been done to us several times by BM in regards to FSD. It's like FSD is a possession and she says whatever she wants to get the possession and then changes the rules. Possession is 9/10 of the law, right?

But I like that you turned it around to be used in a beneficial way rather than a control-issue way. Sneaky......but effective. And in the best interest of all.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 11:02AM
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ashley1979

As far as the "her time" thing goes......I really take offense to this seeing as it's a situation regarding SD and not you. "Her" time SHOULD be filled with appointments and such. "HER" time is about being with her daughter and taking care of her. I don't see why SD going to the Dr. is either "His" or "Her" time. Now, if you needed SD back for a function that benefitted you or DH, then that would be a violation of "her" time.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 11:03AM
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imamommy

ashley, I agree. Her first suggestion was that she would take SD to a doctor in the town she live in. She quickly changed her mind, probably after realizing she would have to pay for it then.

She called at 7am this morning to talk to SD, but SD was asleep. When SD woke up at 8am, I had her call BM back. BM told her she can't talk right now, she'll call her back in two minutes because she has to say goodbye to BF because he's going to work. That was 10 minutes ago. I'm not holding MY breath, but SD is. SD will watch the clock & wait. [btw, the order says phone calls are to take place between 4pm-6pm Monday-Friday] Of course, DH reminded her of that when she told him to 'go read the order!' and he told her to stick to that. Then, yesterday SD called her during the 4-6 time and she tells her she'll call back at 7. She didn't call last night at 7, she called this morning at 7. Then, I let SD call her back at 8 (DH had already left for work) and she tells her she can't talk because she has to say goodbye to her BF. Good reason!!! I'm sure it makes SD feel really special...

So, new question.... should I ignore her calls before 4pm? DH doesn't get home until 6:30pm so it's up to him to let her talk or ignore the calls in the evening, but should I stick to waiting until 4pm as that's what the order says? My DH says it's up to me during the day because I'm the one here and it's my phone. Our landline is dedicated to my business fax machine so we don't answer it but I do have SD call her from it. When BM calls, she calls my cell phone which a) uses up my peak minutes and b) my cell phone is my business line & when SD is talking to BM, she ignores incoming calls... not that she could answer my business calls. DH has already told her to stick to the ordered times since she's been such a pain in the ass lately and I'm feeling like she's calling just to see if we'll let her talk since he told her that. So, I'm torn between wanting to stick to the times because she's just calling to show she can call whenever she wants but if we don't let her talk to SD, then she can say 'look, they are keeping you from me' to SD even though most of the time, she never calls or answers her phone anyways. If we do let her talk, she won't take DH seriously. She'll think she doesn't have to abide by the order, she can do whatever she wants. Funny how she doesn't want to talk until DH tells her she can't or is limited. Then it becomes important... because it's about battling with us, not talking to her daughter! And for that reason, I am leaning toward letting her call because I know it takes away the power struggle. Not sure which way to go with it. I don't really want to undermine DH either and he told her no already.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 11:43AM
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finedreams

BM is crazy but I think parents should be able to call kids any time they want unless of course it is a bed time or early morning or extremelly long conversation. it seems like mom has no time to talk anyways, so few minutes won't hurt.

she says bye to her BF? what a reason. he goes to war or what?

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 1:26PM
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pseudo_mom

IMA she only calls your cell ...??? calls at 7 am on a holiday?? pure coincidence?

She only calls when she knows she actually won't be able to talk to her "DD" so she can say I made the effort she wasn't available next time at 7am wake SD up to talk to her and when hubby needs to call her make it for 8AM when she cannot talk busy saying bye to BF.

With my hubby she would have already been in contempt for non-payment of support and a revised visitation schedule ... every other weekend she doesn't want to see the kid anyway your SD is a burden to her. Sad.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 1:46PM
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sweeby

"Funny how she doesn't want to talk until DH tells her she can't or is limited. Then it becomes important... because it's about battling with us, not talking to her daughter! And for that reason, I am leaning toward letting her call because I know it takes away the power struggle."

You're reading it right, I think. Her desire to call is motivated largely by her desire to vent about how you won't let her talk.

My Ex used to always call during dinner. He knew my family had a longstanding rule about not taking phone conversations during dinner. In fact, that was our 'family' rule while married. So when he called at dinner time, I asked if DS could call him back later. OUTRAGE! I tried not answering the phone while we were eating or in the 5 minutes before dinner went onto the table. OUTRAGE! I volunteered to have DS call him right after dinner. OUTRAGE!

Finally, I just decided to give up and let 3 year-old DS talk all he wanted. The monosyllabic answers and repeated "Daddy, my dinner's getting cold!" finally worked.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 3:17PM
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