Help / 16 yr old SD

sunshine21_2010November 16, 2010

My husband and I have been married for almost a year, we have been together for almost six years. I'm struggling with my SD, she is 16 and has now been living with us for 3 mnths. She never before has lived with her father and actually had very little to do with him (except for $$,sad but true) and now has came to live with us basically if the truth be known because she wasn't getting her way at her mother's. Granted 2 days before she moved in she had told her dad that she would cut him out of her life, as well as making sure her brother do the same, because financially we were going to have to cut one of their cell phone lines, which we didn't even have to provide (she never would cut him out because he's the one she always comes to for whatever she feels she wants). I now feel truly uncomfortable in our home, there is a stress within me that I have never had before. Since I have been with my husband she and her brother have always been an issue (her brother is still living with their mother) as well as their mother (my husband and she were never married).They have always treated me poorly and don't even say hello without being told to tell me hello. They never treated their father much better. There have been court battles, lies, and hurt, with no remorse whatsoever from the children. They even accused my husband of physically abusing them while they were in his care and had a restraining order placed on him, which was removed and following a court hearing with witnesses that were there during the so called abuse was dismissed after the judge thought it was basically conjured up lies between the mother and the children. I can't go into all the background it would be novel size. My issue is now with her being here I am truly uncomfortable, my husband is now of course over compensating (which he always has)and she is taking advantage of her father as usual. I don't know if I'll ever trust her for she has never given me reason to do otherwise. She now has her way of course, she basically runs her own show and now is trying to take over our "show". My husband is a wonderful man, but he had told me not long into our relationship his children were always first. Maybe I should have taken him at his word, even though in our wedding vows we stated that each of us were now and always would be first. I worry about my husband's welfare as well as our marriage, it already is taking it's toll on our marriage. I can't help remember my husband's attorney stating to me after the court hearing on the restraining order and allegations of abuse that I nor my children should ever be alone with my husband's children without witnesses present and sadly that their father shouldn't be either. It was apparent the trouble that they could cause. Sorry to ramble, but it's so hard. I just don't know what to do... I need advice. Any advice would be appreciated I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

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Yes, you *are* fighting a losing battle.

A 16-year-old has won, & you are still too shell-shocked to recognize it.

"I can't help remember my husband's attorney stating to me after the court hearing on the restraining order and allegations of abuse that I nor my children should ever be alone with my husband's children without witnesses present and sadly that their father shouldn't be either."

The question answers itself.

I'm so sorry.

(I once sold a house to a divorced policeman who told me, in the course of conversation, that he never dated women who had children at home; the risks of such as this are just too great & the consequences too devastating.)

    Bookmark   November 17, 2010 at 3:07PM
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I found myslf in a similar situation recently. I have been married for just over a year and my husband came with a then 17 year old son. My SS lived with us full time. He had his dad wrapped around his finger and it progressively got worse. He would lie constantly telling his dad that I yelled at him or "chewed him out" when God as my witness it never happenend! I was constantly flabbergasted at his lies. But I can tell you when he turned 18 he took off to find his "independence". His father was heartbroken that his "baby boy" didn't even return his phone calls or texts! It was hard to watch but it was a huge eye opener for him. My marriage is better than ever and my husband finally sees that I was there then, trying so hard, and that I am still here now. Give it time...I KNOW it's hard. But your SD is almost grown and once that "magic" age of 18 comes around, if she is the brat she seems to be, she will really show her Dad her true colors. One of two things will happen: Either she will burn bridges with her Dad or she will grow up a little after a few adult struggles and you all can be the family you want and need.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2010 at 4:25PM
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Or, she will continue to tell lies into adulthood, her daddy will continue to "rescue" her from you her evil stepmother & then she'll take over the household and run you out of your own home. Daddy might not ever believe that his little girl would do such things.

I mistakenly thought the magic age of 18 would be the start of growing up, maturing, and beginning the process of adulthood-but it doesn't always work that way.

Yea, kind of a reverse cinderella.

The best advice I got from so many here was to get all my ducks in a row financially and start socking away some money. So I'll advise you the same. I went to a lot of counseling, alone. It was a good thing to do and in retrospect I am glad DH didn't go, though I was hurt at the time. It really helped me to get back to focusing on me and what I wanted out of life and to focus on my goals instead of all the drama that had completely overtaken my life.

I agree with Sylvia, you ARE fighting a losing battle-but you can win the war. Sock your money away in your own account (money=power baby!), get your own house and then you decide who lives there. Extreme, yes but some situations call for extreme.

My marriage is intact now but on completely different terms. I had completely subjugated myself and allowed my stepchildren & husband to completely disrespect me for so long I lost myself-I wanted so badly for them all to just like me for the person I am and to appreciate at least some of what I did to help, just respect me as a human being and as their fathers wife and but it never happened, because I meant nothing to them and never did. Just what could I give them-and do for them. It wasn't that long ago I was where you are and I can tell you now I will never love any man enough to live like that again. Ever.

Cause as Samantha in SITC so aptly put it "I love ME more"

You'll find a wealth of support and good advise here..It will get better because eventually you'll have enough. It took me forever, and I don't think anyone thought I'd ever get there, but if I can-you can.


    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 2:37AM
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