My X is a PITA.....

ashley1979November 3, 2010

And I know part of it is because I have been very lax in my boundaries with X, X's GF and even XMIL. I know this, and I am trying to do better, but is it too late?

I know the only people who suffer because I don't enforce boundaries with them are DS, DH and myself. It doesn't bother X or his family one single bit to intrude into MY home and MY life using DS as the excuse. I also know that there will be resistence from them as I go through the process of making the boundaries clearer.

X and I have had a strained relationship for about the past month. I'm not sure why but right about the time he FINALLY got a job, he started getting short and snippy with me, and has been acting out with DS.

He goes through these phases sometimes and it really frustrates the crap out of me. It seems to be when something financial happens. My current guess is that since he started a job and is no longer on unemployment, he's p*ssed because he will have to pay his FULL CS instead of the partial amount he was paying. But that's just a guess. GF has been acting weird, too, but then again she IS weird, so that's really nothing new.

For instance, according to the papers, X is supposed to take DS to school on Monday mornings. But since his work schedule makes that nearly impossible, we agreed he would have DS back home an hour BEFORE his bedtime so he can prepare for the week and wind down before going to bed. A couple weeks ago, he brought DS home 15 minutes AFTER his bedtime. No phone call, no apology...nothing. I called and got no answer or call back. When they get there they tell me they were at somebody's house having dinner. They expressed no concern for DS getting sleep and no acknowledgement that I called. Oh, and DS had benchmark testing the next day. Oh and he still had to take a shower.

Here's another thing that happened: X called DS the next Monday after the above visitation. DS was with his friend at a softball game. When DS gets home, he tells me that X told him he was going to give him money for the A's he got on his report card and for helping him out with some stuff that weekend. DS was so excited and I was happy for him. X has never done anything like that. Of course, X would never let the money come to my house or let anything be bought that would come to my house, but I was still happy for DS. After DS took his shower, he came and told me that X was joking when he said he would give him the money. When I told him that didn't make any sense, he fessed up that X told him not to tell me or GF. HUH? DH piped up and told DS that we don't care how much money X gives him and that is between him and X. So DS was worried X would be mad that I knew which is why he decided to lie to me. So after DS went to bed, I texted X that DS had already told me about the money before X told him not to tell and asked why I couldn't know. No answer. So the next day I texted him the entire deal and told him DS shouldn't feel like he has to lie to either one of us. Guess what he said back to me? He said that he didn't want me to know because he didn't want it to be turned into a big deal like it was and he was sorry DS lied to me. I texted back that it wasn't a big deal until HE made it a big deal by telling DS not tell me. I looked at DS's texts and the one from X said "the money im giving you is our secret." Creepy, huh?

Oh yeah and he told DS that when he moves in with him, he can just use MY address so he can still go to high school with his friends. I told DS no way. He can't live between both houses. If he mogves in with X, he has to live with the consequences of that choice, including not getting to see his friends.

There's WAY more that happened this past weekend (X being IN my house helping DS with chores when I got home on Friday and telling him to hurry up the entire time when I specifically told him not to come until later so DS could finish; and much more), but what happened this morning feels like the icing on the cake.

XMIL is one of my Facebook friends, but X and GF ARE NOT (we tried that before with Myspace and every time he got mad at me he would delete me as his friend, so I'm not going there anymore). I wanted to keep XMIL because she doesn't get to see DS very often. She has caused problems between X, GF and I in the past so I do keep her at arm's length.

So this morning, I get Facebook messages that say that XMIL was tagged in my photo. I go and check and she has tagged herself in a photo of DS. No problem. BUT then she tagged X and GF, as well, which allows them to leave comments. So they leave stupid big deal. But I am really bothered by this. It seems like, to me, they have figured out a way to circumvent the boundary I established by not friending them on Facebook.

What do you all think? Am I being ridiculous to be upset about this, even with the other stuff that's been happening lately? Should I block X, GF, and XMIL from my Facebook page? Should I remove the comments or would that seem petty? Any (constructive) suggestions are welcome. attacks. I just can't deal with that today.

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I guess I should say that I don't mind XMIL tagging herself in the photo so she could have it on her page. What bothers me is that she tagged X and GF and gave them a backdoor way to my page.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2010 at 11:51AM
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I understand your frustration, Ashley. Boundaries have always been an issue for our family, as well.

However, is it possible that XMIL didn't intentionally provide a gateway for your X and his GF to cross your personal boundaries. Maybe she just tagged the photo so it would show up on her page and give her some grandma bragging rights. She probably didn't foresee your X and his GF taking the opportunity to access your page.

I'd be willing to give grandma the benefit of the doubt and just block your X and his GF from viewing your page.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2010 at 12:57PM
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Facebook, I tell ya! It is problematic.

Would it cause drama if you blocked X and X's GF?

I don't know. I'd be inclined to think XMIL didn't realize the repercussions of tagging herself, and X and GF in the photo. I doubt she meant anything by it.

BUT---that said---I think your bigger issue is X's irresponsible behavior, specifically asking your son to, in essence, lie. I don't like that at all.

I would make it clear to him, as well, that if he cannot have your son home by the agreed upon time (1 hour before bedtime) then you're going to have to make it even earlier--like 6 pm or whatever.

I would also put *some* responsibility onto your son. I know he ultimately is at his dad's mercy but I think you need to emphasize to DS that HE knows what time he needs to be home, and he is going to have to watch the time, and remind his dad when it's getting close to that time.

Does he have a cell or any way he could contact you?

Just reminded me---the other night, DH realized it was 9 pm and he hadn't heard from SS to say goodnight. He called and got voicemail, left a message saying goodnight. At 9:30 the phone rang, and it was SS calling---from BM's cell--and he told his dad he and his mom were out shopping at Walmart. Ummmm, he is 8 yrs old and it was 9:30 on a SCHOOL night. DH was ticked. But what are you gonna do? Nothing, unfortunately, because---at least in DH's situation---saying anything to BM only makes her want to do that all the more.

I don't know. I feel for you. The problem is your X's immature behavior, and that won't just change overnight.All you can do is set your own boundaries and enforce them, no matter how much he/GF resist.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2010 at 3:12PM
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" Should I block X, GF, and XMIL from my Facebook page? Should I remove the comments or would that seem petty?"

Facebook, MySpace, same issue again. there were so many posts describing how social networking sites are causing so many problems. ex's GF posts something, exBF posting something etc people get upset.

If you must use social sites, do not include exes, ex's GF (why would you? GF?), XMIl etc

I get along with ex, his wife, and exmil yet no way I want them to make comments about me or read about my personal life online. No way. I would call or email them when I want to sharer something.

These people, ex, his GF, exmIL don't sound like type of people you should be friends with online or real life. Get along with the sake of the child, yes, friends? no.

Sorry you have to deal with this nuts family. yes, block them.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2010 at 9:55PM
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Thanks for the advice! I have been thinking a lot about this. I still don't know what to do, but I won't be posting any pics of DS until I've figured out what to do about XMIL.

@Lady_q-Thanks for your input! I am weighing it very heavily. I want XMIL to be involved with DS, but I also don't buy her innocent helpless act. I think jthe best way to be civil is to fortify my boundaries.

@LH-I am not sure what blocking them would do. I'm not sure they'd even notice unless they went to XMIL's page and didn't see me there. Facebook is ALL KINDS of problematic!!!!!

Just one more reason to block all of them.

And, yes, DS has a cell phone that I provide him (which is another thing that ticked me off about the text that said for DS not to tell me about the money). I think you're right that a little bit of the responsibility goes on DS. I just don't get how X thinks DS is going to LIVE with him if he can't even get him home on time. Ya know?

LH you said "I'd be inclined to think XMIL didn't realize the repercussions of tagging herself, and X and GF in the photo. I doubt she meant anything by it." I actually think that maybe she DID know. See, she doesn't really know how to use technology very well, and constantly asks X how to do things on the computer and Facebook. I have heard her do this at DS' games.

I have a scenario: See last Friday, she commented on the picture and said she wanted to put it on her page. Well since I have my pictures set up so that only friends can see them, X and GF couldn't see the picture. So I'm fairly sure that, since she didn't tag it until Tuesday night, she and X got together to figure out how they could see the picture.

PO1- you has a great point about blocking all of them. That might just be the best thing to do. I know for sure I want to block X and GF.

    Bookmark   November 4, 2010 at 11:30AM
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I'd untag the picture and then block her from viewing your pictures. Easy. Only allow her to see pictures you don't mind X seeing.

    Bookmark   November 4, 2010 at 12:34PM
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I don't understand why wouldn't they take their own pictures of DS and post them everywhere they want? Why use yours? Doesn't your Ex have a camera? And if they are unable to take their own pictures, then email as attachment or send snail mail but I think nowadays everyone can take pics.

Your Ex sees DS pretty often so why not take pics of him and give them to XMIL or post on his own page?

    Bookmark   November 4, 2010 at 7:22PM
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