Scheduling issue, WWYD?

lovehadleyNovember 20, 2009

BM called DH the other day and asked if he could check the calendar and see if we had plans on the 3rd. (It's a Thurs. and it's one of DH's regular days.) It's SS's little sister's bday and BM is having a party.

Ok---in MY mind, asking him to "check the calendar" implies that she is willing to accept the fact that we might have plans and not be able to switch.

As luck would have it, we DO have plans. We have tickets with my dad to a charity holiday night at the zoo. The zoo is decorated w/lights, and we can take the train around and see the lights; Santa will be there for the kids, there's face painting, dinner, etc.

So DH told BM that we did have plans and, of course, she flipped out.

Now I can see both sides here. It IS his little sister's birthday, and I honestly think SS would like to be there. BUT I also know both our kids are excited about this night at the zoo, and I know SS will be sad to miss that.

Am I crazy for thinking BM should plan the bday celebration around her schedule w/SS if she wants him to be there? Dh pointed this out to her, and she said no, she won't do that b/c she ALWAYS celebrates the day of the actual bday.

So--now DH and I both feel like, given the fact that BM pitched a big fit, he really CANNOT give in. But then it's going to be this big issue with SS, I am sure, because BM will go on about how terrible DH is, etc.

Should we give SS the choice? At 7 yrs old, I hate to give him that kind of decision-making power.

The frustrating thing is---DH and I both committed ourselves to REALLY sticking with the schedule and NOT asking BM for favors/switching, etc. It just gets ugly b/c it sets a precedent and leads to expectations. DH and I have committed ourselves to finding a babysitter if something comes up on a night we have SS---and trying as best we can to plan anything we do around when we do/don't have SS.

UGHHHHH. I guess the "mom" part of me feels bad, though, because I DO understand why BM wants SS to be at his little sister's party.


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She asked DH to check if there where plans, he did and there are. You have real plans, advance purchased one night event tickets and the kids are excited. I don't see how BM can blame Dad for that.

I understand BM always celebrates on the actual day, but you'd think BM could have called much earlier. The schedule is not new neither is the day of her daughter's birthday. By asking if there were already plans, it would seem that when BM placed the call she was still flexible and had no real set plans for the day set in stone yet.

I likely would not give in. BM could have her party the evening before and still make day of special for her daughter. As she called, seemed flexible, was told yes, there are purchased tickets and plans, if SS misses out on birthday party, it will be the doings of BM.

I understand from a mom's viewpoint your torn feelings, but DH has just finally stood up to BM, I'd be afraid of back peddling now.

May I ask what Bm does on years it is SS's birthday and the schedule of the actual day is for SS to be at your home?

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 11:43AM
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"May I ask what Bm does on years it is SS's birthday and the schedule of the actual day is for SS to be at your home?"

HAHA. In years past, before they had the court-ordered parenting plan, BM would celebrate a day or two early or a day or two late, depending on who actually had SS for his bday. This kind of blows her argument that she ONLY celebrates on the actual day out the window, huh?

Now that they have a court approved parenting plan, it alternates. This coming year, SS will be with his mom from 9 AM the day BEFRE his birthday until 9 AM on his actual birthday. So she will have to celebrate the night before! And then we have him from 9 AM on his birthday until whenever the schedule goes back to normal.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 11:56AM
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I agree with JustMeToo. While I can appreciate wanting to have the party on the actual birthday, sometimes that just doesn't work out. I wouldn't consult ds7, this is a grown up matter really.

Just tell BM that you are already committed with tickets bought in advace to the zoo event. I wouldn't bother suggesting that she move the party date, she'll get the hint and if she wants SS there. Hopefully, she will move her date.

Is it too much to go to the zoo and make an appearance at the party too? Sometimes we do double headers with DS7's schedule, without the political ramifications you face here. Maybe her party can be earlier, that might be a reasonable compromise and SS does both things.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 12:04PM
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Maybe this sounds callous, but it's not your (collectively you and DH) problem that BM had a baby with another man. Plain and simple. That's HER difficult situation to deal with. She made the situation what it is and she should have to change her schedule to accommodate; not you.

Don't give in. HER daughter's birthday IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

So what if SS whines? How old is sister? Probably not old enough to remember this birthday anyway. Heck, SS probably won't remember he wasn't there anyway.

And what will happen when this new baby is born? You gonna give up more of your time for this one's birthday, too?

I guess I have no sympathy for people that keep popping out kids and everyone else being expected to accommodate them and the new kid or else feel like a dousche. I have this problem at work. I have chosen not to have more children (right now), so I get stuck filling in for the ones that have babies everyother year. Someone has to be there when they are out for doctors appointments and maternity leave. One girl at work had a tubal pregnancy and emergency surgery at the beginning of the year and then got pregnant right after and was out on maternity leave at the end of the year. She was out for an entire quarter of the year!

Her reproduction is not your problem.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 2:16PM
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Change nothing. Stick to the order. You've worked too hard and spent too much money to have a specific order that outlines the days & times and it's terrible that it can't be more flexible but given her history, she isn't willing to be flexible unless it's to her benefit. If you and your DH had a child and wanted SS on her day to celebrate your child's birthday, what do you think she'd say? There's your answer to her question! A big fat NO! (as a mom, I also sympathize with wanting siblings together) but in today's world of having children with more than one father, divorce, shared custody, and stepfamilies, that's just a fact of life that we will miss having a kid on birthdays or holidays... and with a specific written order, we can plan our lives around our time with our kids so she should have considered the order BEFORE she planned a party. (or at the very least, she should have asked before planning it. She just assumed he would say yes and she will try to make him feel guilty for saying no)

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 4:03PM
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Agreeing with the others --

Let her celebrate her daughter's birthday a day early so SS can be there. Your night at the zoo activity is special and fun and already bought and paid for.

Plus, you have a court order on your side.
This event will set a precedent. Set the precedent you want to set.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 5:55PM
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under the normal circumstances it is OK to switch days, but you alreday bought tickets plus this woman is crazy. don't change anything.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 6:20PM
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LH, I think everyone is right, you guys have worked so hard to get this thing "sealed in stone" and your DH does seem to be standing up, so stick to the schedule....Good luck and I hope you guys have a great time at the zoo, sounds like alot of fun!! :)

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 6:32PM
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Do not give into her!! Give this lady and inch and you know she will take a mile! She will start trying to switch all the time if you make any exceptions. Plus you know she would not make exceptions for you. And you really do have plans anyways.

BM can celebrate the b-day on another day. Don't most people have b-day parties on weekends anyways?

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 7:07PM
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hmmm. If she ALWAYS celebrates b-days on the actual day, couldn't she have asked you about this a year ago? Or at the time the schedule was set asked to ALWAYS have SS on this day? Why is it just coming up now?

Don't cave. Poor planning on her part does not constitute a crisis on yours. This is not a must happen, it's a want to happen. It can be changed.

Sweeby is correct. Set the right precedent.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2009 at 11:02PM
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This thread has me busting a gut! There's been some great one-liners!
Ashley: "Her reproduction is not your problem."
FD: " this woman is crazy. don't change anything."
Ima: "There's your answer to her question! A big fat NO!"
Justmetoo: "The schedule is not new neither is the day of her daughter's birthday."

Anyhow, I agree with the other posters.
If you feel accommodating, see if it might work to do double-duty (ie: have SS go to BM's for a bit after school to see his sis on her birthday, and then pick him up in the nick of time for the event)
If you are worried BM might mess that up somehow, tell her no. You have a right to have SS on your scheduled days, just as she has a right to have him on her scheduled days.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2009 at 11:08AM
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My 4 skids just got back from BM's yesterday. While they were there two of the kids had a birthday. We will celebrate their birthdays this weekend. We may call them on the actual day or drop off a birthday balloon, but the schedule is the schedule and you are asking for trouble if you capitulate.

You are doing the right thing.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2009 at 11:11AM
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