Stepdaughter ruining our marriage
HELP...please! I've been dealing with this for far too long, and afraid that it may end up in a divorce. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have 2 children together, both are special needs (Autism). I have an older daughter, he has 2 daughters from previous relationships. The daughter that visits us is turning 10 this week. And, in all honesty, it's not even her that is causing any problems...it's my husband. She doesn't ask to be favored, or catered to...be she is...sickeningly. She and I have a decent relationship together, and she often tells me things that she does not tell her father. I spend more time with her. I am the caregiver...I do EVERYTHING while my husband sleeps until 1 pm, then gets up and caters to her. Again, we have special needs kids too.
Yesterday, my stepdaughter decided to sleep in until 10:30, about 15 minutes before we had to leave for taekwondo...so, when she got up, there wasn't time for breakfast. She knows, and heard the rest of us get up, but decided to sleep in. But, as she knows, after I make breakfast, if she is not there to eat, I'm not going to make a special breakfast for her. She is ok with that. So, we went, came home, and I immediately got lunch ready for the kids. I made chicken sandwiches with swiss for all of them...they all got the same thing. While they were eating, my husband woke up. I went into the garage, and as soon as I did, I heard her throw her sandwich in the garbage, and tell her Dad that she was hungry, that she didn't have any breakfast. He gives her some blueberry scones. When I came in, I told him that she had just threw her sandwich out. He immediately started with the excuses..."She didn't like it"..."She's too skinny"..."I'm not going to let her go hungry"...I WAS FURIOUS!! We came into the garage, and I asked him why he caters to her...why, when he offered her the scone, in the very least, why didn't he offer it to the other kids too?? He told me, "I cater to her because you don't". SERIOUSLY???? We have special needs kids...and I'm supposed to cater to her...because SOMEBODY must???
He will drive 4 hours every other weekend just to go get her, yet I can't get him to go to our 5 year old Autistic sons open house...or go to see our autistic daughter test at taekwondo...or trick and treat...or ANYTHING. I have a hard time getting him to take us to our daughters psychiatrist appointments. EVER. NOTHING. WON'T EVEN GET OUT OF BED. I have even heard him call our daughter his, "full time kid" ...as if everything about his daughter dictates our family. I can't do it anymore.
I do not blame her, because she's doing what any kid of divorce does...I blame him. This is ruining our marriage, and he WILL lose us if he keeps it up. It's not fair to our children, and it undermines me, especially when I am the only one that actually parents this girl.
I have tried for 8 years to talk to him about this, and he just feels that she deserves special treatment...every other weekend...regardless of what effect it has on our children. I'm fed up with doing EVERYTHING, being undermined, and having our family put second.
Please if anyone can help, before I take our children and leave, I would be very grateful.