When your husband makes no sense......

mom2emallNovember 11, 2009

So I am a little irritated at hubby right now because he makes no darn sense and is giving into the whining and crying of a 7 year old!!

At the beginning of the school year when I would pack ss7's lunches I would put a drink, sandwich, fruit, and dessert. He kept telling me that he did not have enough time to eat it all and they HAD to throw away what they did not eat. So I got tired of the waste and told him we would start packing a sandwich and drink everyday and then rotate between fruit one day and dessert the next. This way he would not have to throw food away everyday. It has worked pretty well, though he complains at times when it is fruit day because he wants dessert. But I think it is important to eat lots of fruit and veggies. And most nights the kids get a small dessert after dinner anyways.

So when I am not home when they leave for school and DH is ss always cons him into dessert whether its fruit day or not. I have told dh what the usual schedule is, but ss puts on the tears and dh's defense is "its only food".

So yesterday I was not feeling well and DH got up with the kids. I got up before they left and their lunches were on the counter and ss had 2 desserts in his lunch, even though it was fruit day. I said something to dh about it and his response "I would rather pack more than enough food and have him throw away then want more food"

I am irritated because its bad eating habits!!! When ss was little and would ask for a snack Dh used to let him have the treats for the other kids lunches. And not just one! He would sit down and have a bag of chips and 2 ho ho's or twinkes or something. I told dh that snacks should be fruit or veggies!!

I am just irritated. SS has problems with his teeth and lots of fillings because of dh's poor diet guidelines for him. SS does not have weight issues but if dh keeps giving him junk food whenever he whines I am sure it will only be a matter of time.

Is this one where I should pick my battles and just say "your kid you deal with it when his teeth fall out and he is obese"??

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That is frustrating.

I would quit worrying about it, though, since DH won't get on board with you. You have enough going on in your life with the kids, school, and *other* issues, so why add more stress to your plate?

I feel your frustration but, ultimately, this is DH's issue since he's the one giving in.


    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 12:14PM
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What does your school serve for lunch to the kids that purchase? Mine does not have any sweets/desserts at all. If your school menu for the month is online print it out and show it to him. Not in a 'my way, not your way' attitude, but with a concern for the changing eating habits that are taking place and not just in your household. My GS's school menu online even shows a calorie and nut. content for each meal.

Even if the child if not overweight (nor ever really becomes so) DH should understand that eating habits affect one's overall health. Does he understand about fats/starch/ect and how eating habits throughout life can have overall determinations on healthy heart, arteries, ect?

It is not kind to the child to let him eat all the junk the child desires. On dessert day you might try low cal, fat free. Fruit day might be more appealing if mixed with veggies. Our school does the mid morning snack at school thing where the kids are given items like cauliflower and fat free dip and the next day apple slices or half an orange. Bitty One has found she likes and will eat lots of things she had never wanted to eat before. It helped when she saw the other kids at least trying it.

Bitty One buys part of the time and packs on the day she dislikes the main course. No snack/junk food goes in her lunchbag at all. I did purchase her a thermo for hot/cold foods, she has mini spreaders for cheese or dip, ice pack to keep around cut fruits or veggies. She does not notice there is no desserts as the other children dont have desserts on the purchased trays. Bottomline, I provide her lunch, I can't make her eat it, but she'll be pretty hungry by the time she gets home if she does not eat.

As I am a diabetic she will find no snacks/desserts at home that I myself can not eat. It's really pretty simple, she can't eat food that is not provided in her lunch nor available at home. It would do her no good to whine. But I do buy/make and provide tasty healthy foods for her to enjoy but I'll also add here that it did take time and a willness to be creative.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 12:16PM
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Yeah, justmetoo brings up a good point--what about just not having dessert type items?

If the kids want dessert occasionally during the week after dinner (which is FINE in moderation) have gallons of low-fat ice cream or frozen yogurt on hand. That's a sweet treat that can't be packed in a school lunch!

We don't keep anything like Ding Dongs or Oreos on hand....mainly b/c if they're in the house, DH & I will eat them! HAHA.

DD has no choice but to eat at school, they are not allowed to pack a lunch. Her menu is healthy, though---everything is baked, not fried, lots of whole grains, organic fruits/veggies, full salad/soup bar, etc.

She does pack a mid-morning snack and cookies/chips are not allowed. I sometimes send her w/a banana, or else a small baggie of goldfish, or raisins, sometimes dry cereal, pretzels, etc.

When we pack a lunch for SS--we pack a sandwich, a small baggie of chips or crackers, a piece of fruit or container of applesauce, and maybe a kiddie yogurt or fruit snacks for a dessert. Mostly, he buys when he is at our house. BM packs for him and OMG you should see his lunchbox when she does----sandwich, chips, cookies, and the worst part is CANDY. She puts a couple things of CANDY in his lunch---like a bag of skittles or a couple lollipops, auuughhhh, it drives me crazy!

Anyway---sorry, I am being long-winded, but maybe stop buying the lunch-sized dessert items. If they're not there to offer, then that will solve the problem! At the very least, maybe try to offer *healthier* dessert items like graham crackers, animal crackers, etc.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 12:27PM
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Mom2, my ex used to do the same thing. He'd sneak DD cookies, etc. It is horribly undermining and it makes me out to be a bad guy. I don't like that.

It was such a relief when I married DH... he and I are completely on the same page, talk it over before dessert/treats and agree fruit/veggies are snacks, not chips.

I don't have ding dongs in the house. Ever. Our snacks are veggie straws (veggie chip things), carrots and ranch dressing, apples and cheese, with the occasional cookie, popsicle, ice cream, etc. which are desserts... not snacks!

Snacks to me are mini-meals. Desserts do not fall in that category.

Of course, when it's a holiday I get more lax, and there might be an individual serving candy bar or something for dessert.

Personally, I'd be more concerned about the communication breakdown with DH than the food issue with SS.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 12:35PM
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I think he's just throwing away the fruit anyway. He doesn't want it. You can't make him eat it and don't know if he does because you're not there. So why fight over it? Give him the dessert each day, then make after school snack some kind of fruit. At least you'll know whether he eats it. He can be on board with that idea. And when it comes to what fruit he eats, it should be what he agrees will be his snack, not just any fruit because you think he should have fruit. I never liked apples, so mom loaded up on oranges and grapes because I was crazy about them. It wouldn't have made sense for her to put an apple in my lunchbox or in the fruit bowl at home. She couldn't make me eat them and didn't think she could try. I agree he shouldn't be getting two desserts though.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 1:07PM
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Mom2emall, I am relatively new here and don't know your sitch. Have you been married very long? And do you have children as well?

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 2:07PM
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I am not much help here. I have a similar problem. My 3 stepkids do not eat veggies or fruit. When they get home from school or anywhere for that matter DH lets them have a snack. We its not just one snack it 2 or three. I buy the big boxes of individual different snacks at sams. I do try to get the 100 cal or baked but when they eat that many I'm not sure it is any better. I went to sams last Thursday by Sunday there were only 2 packages left. There is something like 52 small pack in there. that is way to many. DH says oh they are growing kids. MEN!
I also buy apple sauce, yogurt, pudding snack they dont touch it. They have terrible eating habits. The SD12 is over weight. The other 2 are fine but they are very active in dance & Football.

So i have decided not to buy anymore snacks. Plus they seem to forget where the trash is and DH picks it up for them if they dont after I say something. It should be better all the way around. I HOPE!!!

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 3:00PM
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Did not read all replies, just on lunchbreak right now. Just wanted to say I can relate AAARRGGG men can be so frustrating!!

I've given up on it; my SD's take a sandwich, chips (or do you say crisps?), a chocolate AND a piece of cake. ALL their snacks are bad.
I buy healthy snacks, I end up taking them myself. So that is how it is; I take for lunch what I think is good for me, and FDH can decide for SD's. (but it's still frustrating hahaha)

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 11:53PM
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You all had lots of good ideas. And I do have the kids eat healthy snacks when they get home from school, not junk. They eat veggies and fat free ranch dressing...or celery and peanut butter....or apples and peanut butter...or grapes. You get the idea. I just don't think they need so much junk!

As for dessert in our home we do get sherbert. I also freeze those yogurt tubes and they eat them like popsicles! We make fruit smoothies and they love them. And with Halloween candy in our home now they have on occasion been eating one piece of candy for dessert...which they all are the bite size pieces anyways.

I am frustrated in the way dh is just giving into ss's crying and setting up a pattern for poor behavior. He did the same thing when ss was little until finally it got ridiculous and everyone was teasing dh about the difference in how ss acted with him. He finally got embarassed and stopped giving in.

Really it was so bad that at 3 years old ss was waking up in the middle of the night screaming from his bed for chocolate milk. He would sit there and scream till DH came running and would not stop crying till he got his chocolate milk! Everyone in the home was waking up and dh was going and heating up some chocolate milk for ss 1-2 times per night. Me and the other kids finally told dh we could not handle it anymore. I told dh he could start sleeping on the couch with ss and deal with it because it was not fair for my son to get woken up by this ridiculous act each night. And it was not fair to my sd's who were in the room next to him either. He got the point.

At 4 years old ss was refusing to go run errands when dh was around and would throw himself on the ground and dh was struggling to put his shoes on for him as ss kicked and screamed!! Then dh would have to carry him to the car as ss flopped around like a fish trying to block getting into the car. At the store he would refuse to go in a cart or walk and would make dh carry him. HE would cry for toys and I would actually take the other kids and leave the store and let dh stand there.

Don't know why he is starting again! Its frustrating!!!

I know part of it is guilt that he works a lot. And part of it is guilt over the kids bm. But I keep telling him that being the yes monster is not going to make up for any of that!

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 11:47AM
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Funny you should say that: my FDH is the same. He'll be good for a while, you know, parent his kids in a normal way. And then all of a sudden he starts caving in again, AND leaves me feeling like the uptight one! Once he slacks off all of a sudden I'm so strict and I shouldn't be on his back about it, blablabla Pfff

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 5:07AM
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I think that nutrition is not the point here. Yes, he is probably throwing the fruit away anyway.

The important part about this issue IMO is that SS sees DH undermining you. He will always and forever go to dad when you say no to anything if he knows dad will not vote with you. SS is being taught that dad can over-rule SM and he should always double check whatever she says.

Granted, dad is the dad and is the BP, but junior shouldn't see the disagreement, the power struggle, the superiority of one over the other. You're asking for trouble.

Men have reasons for what they do, even if they don't know it. DH is engendering a buddy feeling with SS "me n you against her, Pal" sort of thing. They can be very immature (as can we all) but especially where their sons are concerned.

The problem here is DH, and I share your frustration. ARRGGGHHHH!!!

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 10:31AM
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Can you pack their lunch the night before?

We stopped buying junk food altogether. The bottom line is that both parents need to come to a meeting of the minds. As long as the parents disagree, even a little, the kids will use that to manipulate and play them against each other... they figure out the weak points for their benefit. Both of you should give until you come up with an agreement you and he will stick to.

My husband didn't think it was a big deal to feed his daughter the same portions at meals as he eats. He is very active and at the time, he was 35 years old... he burned it off quickly. He packs cookies, candy, and chips in his 'snack' bag to eat at work everyday. What he failed to realize is that his daughter was 5 years old and weighed as much as a 12 year old. She was bordering obese when I met him and thought it was 'baby' fat. She couldn't do much without getting out of breath and when she smiled, her eyes were little slits in her face. She couldn't wear zip up pants, just the stretching kind. My point is, men don't always think about things the same way and it needs to be explained why what they are doing is not good for the child.

* His teeth will rot. Dental bills will go up! (Men worry about finances..lol)

* He could develop a weight problem. (Although this is more common with girls... and usually more of a stigma with girls)

* Too many sweets will make him hyper and affect his ability to learn.

* It sends a message to the other kids and soon they will all be pigging out on junk food all the time. (or it's not fair if the other kids are not allowed to have the junk and they accept it.)

* He needs healthy foods to grow and think.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 11:14AM
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