adult children (again)

loladoonNovember 25, 2008

My long-term BF's son will be 21 soon. He has not worked or gone to school in almost 2 years. He's like a hermit with no friends, except for the internet. My BF wants to marry me, but I don't want to live with his son while he's not working or doing anything productive in life. He would steal from me (because he does steal small amounts of money from his other family members). I think he would resent me and my child being under the same roof. He prefers the house to himself and we would be there more than he's used to.

Even if he got a job or went to school part-time, I see him as a lifelong slacker. He will always want to live at home (yet, he resent his dad and doesn't have much of a relationship with him). I guess, our parenting styles are too different. I don't mind a productive adult child living at home, but a messy, lazy, antisocial one is something I would find too challenging.

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kathline

Perhaps your boyfriend could move in with you, or you and your boyfriend could get your own place together? that would force sonny boy to be on his own. Just make sure the place is too small for three.

Hell, I would even offer to pay the first two months rent and the deposit for the kid.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 10:08AM
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loladoon

There is no way he could get an apartment without someone co-signing for him. He hasn't had a job in a very long time and no credit to his name. My BF has suggested that we get married, but not live together. However, I would have to pay a lot more in federal income taxes if I was remarried and we would be paying 2 mortgages. I resent the whole thing. I put a lot of time into this relationship. I wish I had known much sooner that this is the way it was going to be.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 10:43AM
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sweeby

Why would you want to marry BF? Sort of sounds to me like BF is wanting a 'co-signer' to share financial responsibility for his slacker son. Getting married but not living together? Why?

Time for BF to 'grow a pair' and stop enabling Sonny.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 11:14AM
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kkny

My condolensces - many on this board have put time into relationships only to beleive we were taken advantage of. I would tell you to put off marriage until you and BF reach agreement on his child, but I doubt that will happen. The good news is that you have addressed this before marriage. I have said before that I expect my DD will live with me until she is out of college and grad school/professional school -- but the Dad should be doing more parenting and working with his son toward education and a career. The son may need counseling. If he likes to be alone, there are jobs that accomadate that.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 11:19AM
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imamommy

"The good news is that you have addressed this before marriage."

I agree, even better.. you are not living with him either. It's often an issue AFTER you move in and realize the grown kid is a slacker. One of the issues my husband and I have is my son's and their lack of ambition. Fortunately, I agree with him about the problem, although we disagree about the severity of the problem. I think he's a bit unreasonable at times, he thinks I'm too lax all the time & I admit I am too lax at times but I also realize 18 is not a magical number, where kids know everything they need to and are prepared to be on their own. When you don't have kids (or your kids are still young), it's harder to understand how to raise teenagers and young adults.

If you see this kid as a lifelong slacker, then I think you should end your relationship with his father. I know that is a drastic statement, but unless you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, what's the point? I have a son that has been difficult most of his life... especially after 14. When he was 18, he had dropped out of high school & didn't want to work. He bounced from relative's couch to relative's couch because I refused to let him be a bum on mine. I really thought he might/could end up a 'lifelong slacker' but I never gave up on him. I used tough love but if he was willing to follow my rules/expectations, he was always welcome in my house. Eventually, he made his own decision to go back to school & get his GED. Then, a couple of months ago, he join the army. He graduated boot camp last week. He's 21, almost 22 and I still think he has a way to go but he's on the right track.

It's your BF's responsibility to get his son on the right track and if he doesn't, then walk away. You will be here complaining about him for years to come if you stay and nothing changes. There should be a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, there's no reason to legally tie yourself to a guy that has nothing to lose, everything to gain.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 12:12PM
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loladoon

Sweeby, my BF doesn't use me for financial gain. He makes more than twice what I do. But, I know that his son couldn't cut it in an apartment if he paid for 2 month's rent and it would be an ongoing problem and I see it ending with the son moving back with his dad. I wouldn't take a financial hit if he cosigned on an apartment, but I don't want any part of that stress.

Imammommy, I think the biggest problem is that we have different parenting styles. I'm just now figuring it out. Supposedly, his son has deadline of Jan. 1 to get a job. His dad made up that rule. If he lets him out of that deadline, then I will have to end things. There are plenty of entry level jobs where we live.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 12:25PM
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rielle2008

"I see him as a lifelong slacker"

Please do this young man and his father a great service, end the relationship and go find yourself a man without kids! Juvenile or Adult! If I caught any person I was involved with calling my son, daughter, neice or nephew something as vile as that I'd punt them into next week leaving a permanent boot print on their judgemental behind!
Has this young man been evaluated for depression or similar possible causes or did you come to this enlightening conclusion with your Crystal Ball?

Like KKNY's Daughter my educational path was set out in front of me including the agreement of remaining in the family home. that was until the STEP came along who thought any "edoocasion" past the required 14 and 9 months by law was just an excuse to get out of "Wurkin" which made me "a lazy lil loozer Ho that wuz neva gunna mount to nuffin but one of those smart a**e talkin b****s!"

STEP had known me all of 3 months when he lifelong 1abled me in his eyes at the tender age of just 16 1/2. A straight A student doing her leaving certificate to prepare to go to University. Just because I didn't measure up to a set of measurements the STEP had, I was weighed, labled and had a value judgment made on me by the STEP.
Worst of all soon after that I came house from school one afternoon to find that the STEP, with no consultation with my parent had packed my bags because I wouldn't quit school and get a deadened fulltime job instead.
His judgement and words had just as dire effect in The following years as his actions.I've told this to help explain why it makes me so furiously angry when I see a post like this. I've been on the receiving end its NOT NICE.

There are some Step Parents that have damn well learn that no matter how much wish their partners kids would just go "poof" and disappear, it isn't going to happen.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 1:30PM
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loladoon

rielle2008, you're talking about your own situation and you're being judgmental about what I've said and jumping to all kinds of wild accusations.

Yeah, if I broke up with him, he'd probably actually kick his son out at that point. I know my BF and that's how he would handle it. I'm actually trying to direct him towards Jobs Corp and I've also suggested a psych eval. Everyone else in my BF's family has also recommended a psych eval for the boy. His issues pre-date me.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 2:02PM
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nivea

Rielle, I think the difference in Lola's situation is that the Stepkid isn't doing anything! Doesn't even have a job, apparently. So quite a bit of difference and one thing I've learned as adult stepkid here is that not ALL stepparents are evil. So stick around and maybe post another thread with your experiences? A lot of really helpful people are here and a lot are SM's :)

Lola, it seems to me that Dad is enabling a lot. To get to this point with no improvement is kinda staggering to me. I don't think any of this is normal, so I'd suggest some kind of eval and counseling. And I don't blame you at all for not wanting to live with him, but I don't see how you can get married and not live together. Thats not normal to me either. The very fact that BF suggested that sort of screams that he has more problems than just letting Son live at home with no job. Its all very strange to me.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 2:09PM
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doodleboo

Lola-

If a deadline has been set that's a really good start. Now all you can do is hope dad sticks to it. There really isn't any excuse for any adult to not be either a.) working or B.) going to school in order to get a JOB. No adult should be living rent/responsibility free unless they are severly dissabled by definition of state and then they would be drawing dissability which could go towards household expenses. There shouldn't be any such thing as a "free ride" IMHO.

This man is going to have a hard road ahead if he doesn't learn to be more self suppotive. Here is an example of what can happen to adult children who stay on the perverbial titty too long.

My mom has a brother who is 42. This brother has always lived with my grandmother. Granny fed him, he didn't have to pay rent, she helped pay his car insurance, he moved girlfriends and THEIR children in and out of HER home. Grandma passed away in May. Guess where he is now that granny has passed away? He's fixing to be HOMELESS with no job, no skills and no experience in paying bills and other things ADULTS should know how to do because his mother enabled him.

Parents can hurt their own children by allowing them to "hang out" too long. It isn't fair to the other contributing adults in the household to tolerate the "dead weight" either. It is as simple as getting a job like the rest of the freaking world.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 2:11PM
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sweeby

Glad to hear BF's not financial deadweight Lola --
But still, Sonny's a bit of a problem, and not one I would voluntarily assume. Until he grows up and becomes independent, he's part of Dad's package deal...

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 5:19PM
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catlettuce

Don't get married, no reason you can't wait it out awhile longer to see if the son becomes more independant and/or if your BF really is willing to stop enabling him to do nothing.

If you think your feeling resentment now, trust me it will only get worse if you marry and nothing changes.

Hope it works out for you.

~Cat

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 10:55PM
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finedreams

agree that marrying him now would be a mistake. it is not normal for 21-year-olds to not work or go to school or at least look for job. you don't want o stuck in the situation like that. BF's son needs to go see a psychiatrist, enroll in school and get a job, period.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2008 at 1:38PM
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believer

loladoon....It doesn't like different parenting styles to me but rather a lack of a parenting on BFs behalf.

I, personally, would not want to marrying into that type of situation. Perhaps BF could give DS a dead line for either being out of the house or being in school full time with a part time job. My DD20 is in school full time and has a part time job. We do not charge her rent and are helping some with tuition. DH and I have decided that we will give her about 6 months after she completes her studies to get a job and save for 1st months rent and deposit. (she is in beauty school and will take barbering after that) We feel that 6 months will give her a chance to get a clientele started.

DS16, also knows that he must be in school to live at home. I expect it to be more difficult for him since he has learning disabilities but none the less he needs a good plan.

SD10 has a while to go but she is one smart cookie so I expect that she will be in college earlier than normal.

IMHO 21 is old enough to have a plan for the future. It would be too much for me to have an adult child living at home, not in school and not working unless there were extenuating circumstance. Marriage/remarriage is difficult as it is but this would be more than I would be willing to take on.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2008 at 2:40PM
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loladoon

It all hit the fan and I'm staying out of it for now. BF discontinued internet service and his son damaged some property within the home over being denied the internet. He was spending all of his time on World of Warcraft. There's a lot of tension now and, I guess, my BF is at the breakpoint with this situation. No input needed from me.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2008 at 12:17PM
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sweeby

Messy, but probably a very good and necessary thing.
Let's see what comes out of it.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2008 at 1:16PM
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neesie

And please, don't label his son a "life-long slacker". People fit the labels they are given.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2008 at 3:52PM
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kkny

Rielle, I am so sorry about your experience. I would never let that happen. So many SMs talk about how relationship between spouses has to come first, and how remarrying is beneficial. Not always in my book.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2008 at 4:23PM
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lamom

lola, sounds like BF is taking some babysteps with his son, you are right to let him.

If you think his son is a lifelong slacker, well, you could be right. My SS29 is exactly that. For years I was the one saying that he would outgrow video games, not working, general slacking etc. It hasn't happened.

Although BF's son doesn't have good credit, that doesn't mean he can't get an apartment. He could find a roommate, move in with a friend or relative, something. Necessity is the mother of invention.

I agree that holding off on marriage is wise until you have a better feeling for what is going to happen with the son. I don't agree that you shouldn't ever marry the BF, it's not like this is a young child but a young adult, so no, you don't have to marry him too.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 3:58PM
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