Geez! Here We Go Again This Weekend!!!

imagr8tma2November 5, 2009

So since DH gets 1st, 3rd, and 5th Weekends for his monthly visitation....... He gets SD this weekend.

BM tried to ruin last weekend with the "pseudo illness" and now this weekend... It is supposedly a "casting call" for a Fashion Show.

DH has to explain to her again that he is not giving up his visitation weekends for any reason due to the fact she has used these things and lied before to block his weekend.

He reminded her that the court order now states - BM is not to schedule any type of event on DH's weekend. AND if she wishes to do so, she has to notify DH in writting 4 weeks in advance and he has to agree in writting. SHE CALLS and lets him know last night that she is keeping SD so that she can attend the casting call and be in the fashion show.

THEN got upset when DH tells her that since she did not follow the court order and once again scheduled something on his weekend... He is not going for it and is not giving up the time.

He lives out of state and only gets to see his daughter a total of maybe 4 - 6 (sometimes 9) days a month out of 30 - 31 days in any given month that dont have an holiday... Why is it so hard for her to understand that he WANTS to spend time with his daughter and the courts have put an order in place to make sure he gets that time. WHY is it so hard for her not to schedule things on his weekends.

Geez! Seems like the pep talk the Judge gave BM back in September at the custody hearing meant nothing. DH gets Thanksgiving this year for the first time since SD has been born (she is now 6 almost 7) and I am already wondering what excuse BM will come up with to try and block that holiday.

BM's shenanigan's are getting so very old...... DH has tried to be fair with her, keep the peace, and be cordial but she really makes it hard on any given time he has to deal with her. It is a dang shame!

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Are you guys keeping a good record of BM's actions? I know a lot of SM's on here have suggested this and it makes a lot of sense. So sorry she is making things hard for you guys. Can you communicate by email with her as well, so that at least there is a "paper trail"of her trying to block visitation? Keep us posted,hope it goes ok....

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 10:06AM
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When is the casting call? Can you call her bluff - tell her you will be there at 8am Saturday to pick SD up and then take her to it? If there is no show that will throw her for a loop. Honestly, most of those things are just a way to pull you into signing up for modeling/acting classes. Waste of time is the phrase that springs to mind . . . :-)

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 10:25AM
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Agree with JNM. Call the bluff!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 10:55AM
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DH has done that so many times.... With us living out of state 4.5 hours away - she does this everytime we turn around. (This is the one of the main reasons for the no-alienation statement put in the new court order.)

DH went through this last fall with cheerleading..... Sept and Oct - BM kept claiming SD was cheering on his weekends... When DH drove down to see her - she would not pick up the phone - or no one would be where BM claimed their were. He then asked to be able to take SD since he was driving there to NC anyways - He would get there and she would claim it is in another part of the state and parents were not allowed.

Then she pulled it was dancing and modeling, then she pulled it with her claiming her classes were on Fridays, then she pulled it with summer school and SATs.... BM has tried it all.

We have been through it all with BM - seems like she has a mind that never stops. DH is just fed up with her crap. So he told her - she did not follow the new court order stating 4 weeks written notice and agreement before she scheduled anything on his weekend. She (BM) is highly upset but whatever - either she can follow the court order or get another instance of contempt filed against her.

The judge told her specfically in Sept - she is not to do anything else to alienate DH from his daughter... told her to stop scheduling things on his weekend and to allow him to talk to her for 15 mins each day before bed time. It is in black and white - on the court order - what else has to be done to make her stop trying to keep DH from being involved in his daughter's life.

DH would travel to call her bluff - but it is 8 hours total driving time - and BM has proven to lie about what is going on with SD and does not care if he drives all that way and has to return home without SD on his COURT ORDER VISITATION WEEKEND!

(Note - DH does document everything she sends, emails, all letters, voicemails, medications, etc.... That is how he got the new court order to state some specific consequences for her alienation tatics. ) But she is right back at it again. I guess she took him saying from the stand he was not trying to take his daughter away from the mother - just trying to have a peaceful relationship with his daughter - as kindness and therefore weakness. I hope she gets it together - cause he is at the end of his rope with her.... and seeing him like that puts me at the end of my rope too.)

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 11:11AM
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Is he going to do the same thing he did last weekend?

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 11:57AM
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Thats so sad. I wonder what BM gets out of trying these stunts even though they don't work anymore for her! Good for your hubby for standing up for his rights....she obviously thought he would back down and she could be her daughters whole world!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 12:01PM
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I share your frustration Imagr8...

Apparently, BioMom's values her own feelings more than the judge's explicit instructions. It's just such a shame that BM's selfishness hurts your SD and your husband.

I know great documentation saved your relationship before, so I'm confident you're documenting well this time already.

Just don't wait too long before filing charges...

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 12:11PM
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"I wonder what BM gets out of trying these stunts even though they don't work anymore for her!"

She disrupts OP and her DH's peace and sanity! That's what she gets.

OP, I would really urge your DH to stop reacting to BM. When she says one of her stupid comments like "Oh, you will have to miss visitation this weekend because SD has _____ going on" tell DH to calmly state that he WILL be there for his scheduled visit. And leave it at that! Tell him not to get in a big "oh yes I will" and "oh no you won't" fight with BM.

She WANTS to get a reaction from him. She wants to upset him (and you.) Don't let her. I would personally tell DH to stop taking BM's calls after such a statement has been made. Have him just tell her that he will be there at such and such a time, and don't get into any arguments with her about whether SD is sick, or DH tthreatening to call the doctor, or DH threatening to track down the cheer competetion. Just tell him to CALMLY state that he will be there at 4 pm Friday (or whatever time/day) and that's that.

She is trying to suck him into a FIGHT.

Our BM did this for YEARS. She still does it a bit now, but it's better. DH & BM had 50-50 custody but did not actually go to COURT until SS was almost 6.

Until then, EVERY SINGLE TIME we tried to go on a vaca, BM would freak out before hand and totally cause us a bunch of stress in the days leading up to it. "SS's not going with you." "Michigan is too far and he wants to stay home with his MOMMY." "I don't trust you with him for 7 days." "Chicago is too far of a drive." "SS doesn't even WANT to go with you guys." "Over my dead body are you taking MY SON to the lake!"

And on and on and on...

But you know what? Every single time she relented and let him go! She threatened and b*tched and insulted DH and was just ridiculous but at the end of the day, it was all just a big game. All it did was cause me and DH to be stressed/upset/anxious before our trips! Which is IMO exaclty what BM wanted. She took extreme satisfaction in the fact that DH would fight with her, yell, hang up the phone on her, etc. She relished it, seriously.

People like this--like your BM---honestly seem to take pleasure in other's miasery. A lot of it, I think, stems from jealousy and insecurity. BM was threatened by us doing family activities and making memories as a family----she was jealous that we could afford to take trips with SS---and she turned her own feelings of jealousy into anger and hatred.

I really think your BM is the same way; she is looking for a reaction. Try not giving her one and see what happens.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 1:12PM
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My experience is that Judges don't like this at all. I would keep a record of however she said it, record the phone call or print the email. I would also contact the Judge personally.

In the long run this could be good news, DH may get more visitation/custody.

Hang in there!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 1:23PM
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summer school and SATs ... for a six year old??
Do they even do that for those age groups?

What craziness. Document and dont let it get to you. Not overeacting or reacting at all is one of the best things to do. DH finally learned it with BM and it took all of the wind out of her sails. When you stop reacting she is the only one left to look bad. And, at least for DH, it makes him feel a whole heck of a lot better about himself. None of the ... "I shouldnt have let her get to me" moments.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 1:34PM
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"she is now 6 almost 7"

"Then she pulled it was dancing and modeling, , then she pulled it with summer school and SAT"
"DH went through this last fall with cheerleading....."

I don't get it...She takes SATs, summer school, cherleading, 6? and cheerleading was last fall, she was 5? there is no SAt at this age. LOL something doesn't add up.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 4:37PM
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I really think LoveHadley is right, your BM just likes to stir up the sh#t and get a reaction out of your DH. Our Bm does this as well, it's also a "codependency" thing if you ask's like a routine they had when they were married/divorcing and she wants to continue it. It makes her happy to make you guys miserable, ugh!!

Also, I found this link about SAT's for little kids, unbelievable!!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2009 at 11:14PM
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Yes this is all about your DH, and nothing to do with SD. BM is probably not even aware of what she's doing to SD, I know 'our' BM isn't. All she wants is to get a reaction from FDH, and the only way of trying to get that is thru the skids.

It's not normal that BM doesn't see the emotional impact this has on her own DD, I really think people like her have some kind of disorder.

I'm amazed at how openly she's still going for it, ignoring warnings from judges and written court orders, walking a VERY fine line there..

See, we don't have a very specific court order, and 'our' BM knows all the tricks in the books too. I always thought that if we would get a more specific court order, or if she'd get a warning from the judge, things would surely have to improve.. after all, once you've been proven wrong in what you're doing you're going to change, right? Silly silly me, your experience makes it pretty clear to me that no such thing is going to happen.

As you know we don't fight it anymore when BM is planning stuff in our time, we let the skids go. BM can come and pick them up.

The plus points:
-Kids are not in the middle, they only get pulled at from one side. Less stress for them.
-BM will not get reaction she hoped for from DH, so sheÂll hopefully grow tired of the game.
-Less stress for yourself when you donÂt have to gear up for the next battle.
-BM will have some pressure to follow thru with her own plans, because skids will expect that. And if she doesnÂt then skids will learn quickly what BMÂs plans really mean, NOT MUCH.

The negatives:
-Kids miss out on time with you which they need (to recharge the battery)
-BM WILL think of some other way of trying to get to DH/you, so what is next?
-Less stress one way is more stress the other way (getting frustrated over allowing this bullsh*t to happen)
-What if BM takes all the time she can get and doesn't get tired of it once you don't fight it anymore??

    Bookmark   November 6, 2009 at 2:53AM
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yabber boss came in so I had to cut it short ;-)

What I wanted to add:
our way of dealing with it, has a different effect on SD11 and SD13

SD13 starts to see what is really going on, and she's actually staying with us more now. So for us to let her go meant we got her 'back'.

SD11 is coming less and less to our place, she's pleasing BM and whenever BM wants to hold on to SD11 she will stay at BM's. To let SD11 go means that we start to loose her (it feels like).

Unfortunately for us; if we do 'demand' court ordered time SD11 will resent us for it and it makes it really hard to enforce anything.

As long as your SD is happy to come and doesn't resent you for setting firm boundaries I'd say: keep doing what you're doing imagr8ma2! Keep documenting and keep insisting on seeing SD, BM is only digging a hole for herself here..bah

    Bookmark   November 6, 2009 at 6:31AM
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I did write my post a little confusing.... BM is a middle school teacher...... She told DH last year - she was helping to administer the SAT's at a high school in North Carolina last year - and could not meet DH.... But it turned out to be a lie - when SD called DH on that Saturday and told him BM had just bought her another "Build a Bear - Stuffed Bear"

AND yes - BM has attempted to use modeling, cheerleading, summer school, dancing, birthday parties, travel, and now illnesses to try and block SD and DH from exercising their visits - court ordered of course.... The majority of these things turned out to be a lie. SD is only involved in dance - and it is actually during the week... not on fri sat or sun.

Like she was saying earlier this week about a casting call for the fashion show there in NC this weekend. We looked up the CAC and got the telephone number. The casting call is next weekend....... which is not his weekend at all - so she was going to lie about it and block his visit this weekend......

Lovehadely - very good point... I copied and emailed him your response today. I have said the same thing. But maybe him seeing it as advice from someone else in our shoes will help him to understand what i am trying to get him to understand.

I told him that BM is basically starving for attention and using the arguements to get it. She will stop at nothing to get him upset and angry or hurt. AND once she does she feels good about it. I also told him that the court order is in place for a reason. He should not have to argue and fuss about what the "Court" has given him in regards to his daughter. We paid alot of money for this attorney to respresent him - and he needs to use the guy now for any other interaction with BM. (especially since the attorney told him and me after court he will not charge us again - since this is the first time he - the attorney saw a guy doing right and going above and beyond - being attacked for no reason)

Great advice ladies.... I will let my DH know so he can maybe understand that he doesn't have to argue with her..... Just follow the court order and the judge's comments. File what is necessary and continue to document her actions. I tried to tell him - I think she is really happy when she has him upset and to stop giving her the satisfaction and stop letting her cause him the un-neccessary stress.

I treat my daughter's father the exact same way - when he calls - if he calls - or emails - it must be about my daughter or I don't allow him to speak to me or return the email. He has never been negative to my daughter so i am fine with him talking to her. I just don't allow the drama or stress. BUT i don't use her (BD) against him either. It works for me - less stress, means peace of mind.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2009 at 10:23AM
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