Hello Biomom...Goodbye Serenity

doodlebooNovember 10, 2008

Well she's back I guess. At least for a little while. She showed up to get them for Halloween and showed up to take them to a overnight birthday party this weekend. The drama is already starting. I know this is a sensitive subject to some on this site but listen to the entire story before you jump to any PRO-Biomom decisions.

Everyone here knows one of the girls (R) calls me mom. She always has. In the beginning we tried correcting her which just severly upset her so in the end we told her the decision was hers to make. Fast forward 10 months later and mom decides to play mom again and has decided she doesn't like the child calling me mom. Keep in mind it's obvious we do not FORCE her to call me mom because the other twin (N) has chosen to call me by my first name.

Anyway when I showed up at the birthday party to drop off something one of the girls forgot R started in with the Mama's. Amanda immediatly corrected her in front of the entire party. R still continued calling me mama. AManda more forcefully corrected R in front of the entire group visibly causing R to be embarrassed and upset. All the children and adults were watching the entire scene.

At this point N who hardly NEVER calls me mama starts calling me mama!N saw that R was getting upset and she jumped to her sisters defense by jumping on the bandwagon! So now both girls are calling me mama and to top things off R announces to the entire party that her mama is having a baby and she's going to be a big sissy and the baby's name is Layla. The entire time the poor kid is rubbing my belly and smiling because she is so proud she's going to have a baby sissy. Her mother at this point jumped up and stormed off to the porch to smoke untill I had left which I tried to do as quickly as possible.

I told J who got rather irritated at Amanda for making such a huge scene and shaming R in front of a group. He was also intrigued by N's reaction because again, she hardly NEVER calls me mama. So the next day when Amanda drops them back off at our house it's the same thing. R starts in with the mama, mama, mama. Amanda keeps snapping at her and correcting her and low and behold N say's "Mama" Amanda turns around and says "What N?" N replies with "Not you! I was talking to Doodle. Mama, do you see my balloon?" At that point Amanda lays into N telling her that calling me mama isn't nice and it hurts her feelings. She starts telling them both she wants them to stop. She laid into them for ten minutes. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there.

Of course not two seconds later they are both calling me mama again. J was at the store and he walked in right as Amanda was leaving. R was hiding under the coffee table in tears and N was on the floor sitting against the wall looking dazed and upset. He asked me what happened because he could tell immediatly the girls were upset and after Amanda left I told him. J was livid. We have told both girls this is their choice to make and now that Amanda decides to waltz back in she expects everyone to change how we have interacted with each other for the past year to spare HER feelings. Funny considering she wasn't concerned about THEIR feelings when she hauled off and left.

J called her after the girls went to bed and told her to get over herself. he told her it is important to R to have controll on this. He reminded her that we did try to correct it but it was upsetting to her. She is PROUD that she has two mama's and she shouldn't be shamed. He also told her with a new baby on the way we don't want to start the family politics now. We don't want the girls feeling there is some sort of pecking order in this family. If they have to love their blood mother more than me than does that mean I will love Layla more than them since she is my blood child? Not questions we want to raise.

In the end Amanda said "Well I guess I'll just leave ya'll with it then. You can be daddy and she can be Mama and you can all be one big happy family." J told her that's not what we want but with her it's goota be all or nothing. She can't understand the emotional aspect of this for R. All she is seeing is her own feelings.

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I know how you feel! The kids began calling me mom all on their own after their own mom upped and moved out of state. One of my sd's came to me and asked my permission for her to call me mom! After a while they all did it.

Two summers ago the kids visited bm for a few weeks and of course were hassled by her about the fact they call me mom. Another time sd referred to me as mom when she was on the phone with bm and bm played a guilt trip on her.

The kids have not stopped calling me mom. And I know it makes bm upset. But like the bm in your situation its their own damn fault!

Mom means more than "person who gave birth to you". And other than giving birth our stepkids bm's have done little else. Me and you are doing the "mom" things and if the kids want to call us mom we should proudly accept the title! Why not get a bit of credit for all we do :)

Was the party with bm's friends? OR was it friends the girls have from school?

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 9:59AM
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BM is being selfish and immature. YES--I can understand why it bothers her. Honestly--the reason this issue gets under her skin SO much is because she feels guilty and knows she screwed up. I think it's one of those "truth hurts" situations. You have been more of a mother to those sweet girls than she has ever been...kudos to you.

I can still understand her hurt feelings--they are understandable but how she is handling them is UNACCEPTABLE. It is not fair of her to make her daughters feel guilty for calling you Mama.

To be brutally honest--she bailed out on them, she chose drugs over them, and she is going to have to really prove herself to them to EARN the title of mama back. Will she do that? Doubtful.

My guess is she will bail out again soon.

It can't be healthy for the girls to have their mom in and out of their lives. What sort of legal rights does J have now? Does he have full custody? Does mom have visitation rights? Do the courts know about her extensive drug use?

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 10:33AM
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My opinion is: Those girls are paying her back. I don't think they sat around and thought of 'how can I piss off Amanda/mom' but when they saw how upset she got, they knew this was a way to show her how they feel toward HER. My SD does the same thing when her mom 'forgets' to call her back, she'll gush to her mom about all the stuff we did. She knows how much her mom doesn't like me, yet she'll say things like "Ima's the BEST cook EVER!!!!" and I know she's saying it to get back at her mom for not calling or seeing her.

That's just my theory. It really isn't about who they call mama or who they think is their 'real' mama. They know she gave birth to them and left them. They know you are there day to day for them. I'm sure a part of them, even though they love you, wishes she was there being the mom she is supposed to be. Little kids don't always know how to express their feelings with words so they react and I think that's what they were doing. When Amanda told them how hurt HER feelings were, I'm sure they were wishing they were able to tell her how hurt THEIR feelings are over the way she isn't a big part of their lives.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 10:57AM
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I am in a very similiar situation to yours as far as mom being gone and all the sudden popping back up. We are glad the girls are getting to see her a little more but at the same time worry it will end up doing more damage than good since she STILL has not completed a treatment program and is not currently in any kindof counseling. With this in mind we have to keep RIDICULOUSLY close tabs on her and we also know it's just a matter of time before she tanks again. Sigh.


J made a point to tell her that we do understand where she is coming from. He also made it clear that all adult feelings aside the kids feelings should come first which unfortunatly she has already proven in the past she is NOT concerned with their feelings. It is a very crappy situation in deed.

As far as legalities go, heres the short story. Technically they still have shared custody. About a year ago she started dropping them off with us alot and with in two months of the increased visits she decided to leave them with us so she could "get her feet on the ground".

Well, 10 months later she is more strung out than she's ever been. She's ultimately homeless and jobless bouncing from man to abusive man to sustain. The last boyfriend beat her terribly so she moved back to town to get away from him. She has been in and out, here and gone since she left the girls with us.

When tax time rolls around we are combining our taxes and taking her to court for full legal custody. We already have a lawyer lined up who is extremely good. He has a ridiculously high win percentage but he isn't cheap which is why we are having to wait till tax time. We get no help from BM financialy because she is not capable of holding a job so we have been on our own with the girls financially.

The fact he doesn't have full custody is why J has been so funny about where she takes them, how long she has them and who she has them around. For starters he knows she can be unstable. Secondly he doesn't want the courts to think "well is she's so dangerous why did you let her leave the state with them?" etc etc. He wants it to be very obvious at court time that he has kept a very close eye on her due to her instability.

The party was a friend of Amanda's daughters party. The friend and all the guests were very friendly to me for the short time I was there. I am sure they were just as uncomfortable as I was when Amanda stormed out. It's sad but even her friends (the few clean ones) know she has issues. None of them have ever been anything but nice to me since the girls are friends with alot of their children. I think they know Amanda therefor they know the situation. There have been many friends of hers that have walked up to J unprovoked and said "Thank GOD you have the girls" or "Do NOT let her get those kids back." It's kindof tragic everyone see's her problems except her....even her family and friends realize she can not handle being a full time mom.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 11:11AM
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I think you may be partially right as far as N's reaction goes. I think it's a combo of being pissed at Amanda and her not liking seeing her sister get pressured. I don't think she understands WHY she's reacting the way she is though.

With R I think it has always been more a need for emotional connect. She needs to have a "mama" around. When Amanda bolted I became mama. Now it's just such a habit for her she can't stop. It upsets her to have to choose as well.

Both girls are very insecure about family structure. Between the boyfriends coming and going and Mom being in and out they need ALOT of reassurance that yes, we are a family. Yes, we are all very happy. No, no one is going any where...etc. I think R just likes the family ideal of daddy, mommy, sissy and baby on the way all living together. It's a comfort thing to her.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 11:21AM
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What a mess! And no easy way out, certainly. Sure, I can see why BM is upset, and I can see why the girls want to call you Mama and have that sense of security that goes with that.

And I guess really, that's the angle I'd play -- That the girls deserve to ALWAYS have a Mama in their lives. Every day, every week, every month. And that Amanda knows that as long as she does drugs, there will be times when she won't be there for them. She has to know, deep in her broken little heart, that having you 'mother' her girls is the very best thing for them.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 11:40AM
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I think she does realize deep down the girls are better off and more secure with J and I. I also agree with Love that her over reaction to the situation is probably guilt based. It's totally sad and frankly unnecessary. All she has to do is wake up.

I don't know if things would be different with R if she was to get it together as far as the mama thing goes. R is the kindof kid who would probably call any woman she spent significant time with mama. She also calls every elder either grandma or grandpa. N on the otherhand I feel is acting out because of Amandas inconsistency.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 12:01PM
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"I think R just likes the family ideal of daddy, mommy, sissy and baby on the way all living together. It's a comfort thing to her. "

Poor baby. :( That breaks my heart. But thank GOD the girls have J and you--that is a blessing. Things can always be worse--if they didn't have their dad and you, they would be in foster care or worse. :(

I am praying for your little family. :) When are you due? Are you getting so excited?

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 12:44PM
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I'm thinking that this is one of those "light bulb" moments for biomom. All of this time she has been able to tell herself that she was a good mom, she loved her girls and they adored her. After all, she is the MOTHER. Having the girls put it in her face that they have transferred some of what she should have over to you is shocking to her. It's like the gig is up and she can't bs herself about it anymore. I'm sure she is hurt, the truth hurts you know.

I remember my 1st SD33 telling me when she was little that it upset her mom that she called me mom.....I can understand that. BM never broached the subject with me. She also told SD that she thought she was a good mom. She was a mess!!!! Her BF sexually molested her daughter and she believed the BF and wouldn't see her DD for 7 months....anyway....!!!

My kids used to spend 6 hours every other Saturday with their Biodad and SM. They referred to her as Mom once in front of me and I hit the roof. It was a knee jerk reaction. I told them that "Mom" was a title that was earned and when she earned it they could call her Mom but as long as she never did anything for them or spent any time with them then they shouldn't do that because they had a mother that did every thing for her. People may disagree with that but give me a break! 12 hours a month having them watch tv does not a mother make.

I think it is important to the girls that they feel really connected to you with a new sister on the way. They don't want any separation from you and that baby. They love you and need to feel that they are the same as the baby. You are "one big happy family" and you've worked really hard to be that doodle. I'm sorry for all of the drama.....bm is probably really jealous of you and your situation. You gotta feel sorry for her just a little.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 12:57PM
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"I think it is important to the girls that they feel really connected to you with a new sister on the way. They don't want any separation from you and that baby."

I think this is very true also. This is one of the big reasons we don't want to start the ranking system with in the family. By being made to feel one parent HAS to be put on a pedestal above the other sends the message that your suppose to love blood family more than step family. This will wind up hurting the girls if they project that outlook on the situation with me having a baby. It would stand to reason if they have to love their real mom more than me then I would have to love my real daughter more than them.

We don't want them to feel like the odd kids out. We want us to trully be an equal family unit with no BS politics screwing up the calm. With Amanda putting all this new focus on who should be called what it's shaking the even ground we've worked so hard to build. It will end up causing the girls to question their place in the pecking order at home. I don't like that at all.


I am due Jan 9th:) Another girl...hahahahaha. We are all very excited. We are a little nervous to how the girls will react once she is actually here. We are working double time getting them prepped as best we can. All the pictures the girls draw of the family either has a very pregnant me with a dot attached to a cord in my belly (The function of the cord fascinates the girls:) or a normal me with a baby in my arms. The latest N drew is of J,I and the girls. The girls and I look exactly alike except they are smaller and J has a strap across his chest with a tiny baby head peeking out. N informed us that the strap is a "baby slingy carrier thingy like the one you carried us in daddy". Very cute. It's hanging in my office.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 1:13PM
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How sweet. You are a really good mama to those girls! :) I think I have asked you before--but maybe not--are they identical? I love twins! I have always had a fascination with twins and now I think I know why...I found out last week that I have severe scar tissue from a laparoscopy in 2001 and will not be able to conceive again without med. assistance. We are starting IUI+Clomid next month--will try that for 3 months and then RE wants us to move on to IVF. Obviously, our chance of twins goes up with these procedures/meds--so who knows! (I'm trying to find a silver lining!)

Sorry to hijack!

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 5:08PM
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I wonder if you can avoid all the drama by not being all together in the same company. mom does not need to know who calls who what. why be together in the same room? and pick and drop time could be quick and nobody would know who calls who what. stay away.

I know in your situation you trully are the mom, but just in general it is very possible for stepchildren to be very happy about siblings being born even if only one parent is a bioparent. it is not necessary for kids to consider both parents mom and dad in order to be happy in a family. DD was very happy wiht the birth of her siblings (I know she is older but she was young when her first brother was born) she didn't have to feel that her SM is her mother. she felt and still feels part of dad's family because it is her dad.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 6:18PM
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I wonder if you can avoid her too. It can't be easy for either of you, but especially you with your pregnancy. Its not healthy.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2008 at 7:40PM
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Sd's mom had given her the huge guilt trip about calling me mom since she was 5 - she's 13 now. She's told SD to call her by her given name if she calls me mom. She's said if SD calls me mom it means she doesn't love the woman who birthed her. She's gotten her sister and mother to tell SD to stop. Part of me wonders now if SD does it more because she wants to or because she knows it's a way to 'punish' her mom.

SD has told me from the time she could put her feelings into words that she calls me mom because I've 'earned' the title. She says I act more like her mom than her BM does, and "all her friends say so" (of course at 13 friends are the experts.) I think if your girls were a little older, Doodle, they would say the same things. "MOM' is the person who cares for them, who knows them, who understands them, who does all those little things only a mom does. That person isn't necessarily the person who birthed them.

It's a matter of insecurity and guilt. on some level, BM must know there is something the SM does that they don't to make their child want to call SM mom. Because they can't own that, they make their child feel badly so maybe she will stop. If these mothers had a bit more maturity they would see that their kids could love more than one 'mom', and that making them feel bad to make themselves feel better is a horrible thing to do.

Sad thing is, they will likely never get that.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 12:30AM
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Yes they are identical. They are so sweet and grounded for all the crap they have been through.

Fine and Nivea-

I wish I could just avoid it but since Biomom doesn't have a home or phone the only way we can be sure to be available when she drops off the girls is to not make any plans and sit around waiting for her to show up with them at our apartment. As soon as the girls hit the door R starts with the MAMA MAMA MAMA....even if I'm not at the door. There's no way aorund it. Not to mention J is totally uncomfortable with her showing up with me not being in the general area because of her past BS. She flung herself at him once while I wasn't home and when he shot her down and her BF caught wind on the incident she tried to make it sound like it was J who did the flinging. He told her never again would she be allowed over without me being home as a consequence to her little stunt. J is a smart man who knows it's best to avoid that sort of drama.

It would also be a HUGE pain in the arse to have to find somewhere to go everytime she picks them up or drops them off. I'm huge now and getting around is turning into more of a big production. I don't even like having to get dressed anymore at this point. I want to cry when I have to get up for work in the mornings.


She is totally feeling guilty. It just irritates the crap out of me that she didn't give the girls feelings a second thought during any of her stunts but now expects R to trip all over hersel to spare her "gentle" feelings. ARGH! It just infuriates me. I honestly do not care what they call me. I just want them to feel they can call me what makes them comfortable without catching any crap from anyone....especially from HER. She is the reason they have issues so if R calling me mama makes her feel good for Gods sake let her do it! What a selfish cow. I'm posting a seperate update on this thread. It'll make you roll your eyes even more.....

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 9:35AM
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I'm really sorry to hear you are having health issues. If it makes you feel any better I was told by morethan one doctor I would NEVER have children. HAHAHAHA. Well either they were wrong or J can work miracles because I am as preggers as preggers can be!

Don't give up hope just yet. If it's meant to be it will be....I'm living proof of that.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 9:38AM
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