Wow...what a stressful weekend. Kindof long ladies.

doodlebooNovember 3, 2008

We had a looong one at our house the weekend. Firsit off mom is back in town. She called friday around 3 wanting to know if her and her ex (Nat) could pick the girls up for trick-or-treating. Apparently, I was right and the guy she was seeing in Alabama was beating her on a regular basis. She finally got ruffed up good enough that she left. She said when she saw the girls she was going to tell them she was in a car was THAT bad. So great, the girls get to see mom for the first time in a month and a half and she looks like she was worked over by Mahammad Ali, fabulous.

When I got home I told J she had called. His first thought was he wasn't going to lie to them. If they ask he was going to tell them mommy had a bad friend who hit her and she isn't friends with him anymore. He told her she shouldn't lie to them either. The girls are very aware that we didn't like the new boyfriend because we would never allow him around them. We knew he was an abusive control freak woman beater who was on drugs even though she tried hard to lie and cover it up. The girls also knew he was a "bad man".

We were also worried about them being around her with Nat. Even though there was that domestic incident (he's the one who wound up choking her) with him the girls still very much so love him and miss him horribly. They are always asking about him. Amanda has no plans to get back with him but at the moment has no where else to stay. We are worried the girls will think that mommy and Nat are back together and when he's out of the picture again it's going to be real upsetting to them. They only remember her with Nat so that's the big seperation for them. It would be like a kid getting excited thinking their parents are reuniting just to have it fall apart again. It's going to be devestating for them.

In the end we wound up letting them take them for a few hours. The girls were really excited to see Nat and everyone had fun. We were alarmed by Amanda's appearance, she had two black eyes and bad scraps on her forehead and tops of her hands. She looked thin and grey. Her hair and skin had a "sickly" palor. Nat spilled the beans and told us when they dropped the girls back off that she had stayed strung out the entire time she was in Alabama. The only reason she tolerated the abuse was the fact the BF was supplying her with coke and meth. So she stuck around for the drugs. Nice.

We had a long discussion ionce the girls were down for bed on how to handle this. We don't even know how long she'll stay in town. She could be gone to orlando next week. We didn't really come to any conclusions.

We went to bed and wound up fooling around...had sex and I started to bleed....really bad. REALLY bad. I was passing clots. I thought I was miscarrying. It was now five in the morning (we had stayed up really late talking) so I called Nat's house and Amanda had to come stay at the apartment while J and I went up to the emergency room. I was freaking out. They sent me up to labor and delivery and put me on a moitor. I was there for two hours beofre they were convinved the baby and I were fine. I had a busted vessel that had bled pretty heavily. It was the single most terrifying experience I had ever been through.

We came back to the apartment and Amanda seemed genuily glad the baby and I were OK. When we called and I told her I'm bleeding she was at the apartment in under ten minutes. She hung around and had coffee. She had on a long sleeve shirt but I noticed when she lifted her arm that she had slash marks all the way up her wrist. She is a cutter and she had been doing it again very recently by the looks of the wounds. I told Jonathan what I had seen after she had left. She took the girls with her so we could get a few hours of sleep. They went to the park and to McDonalds. She had them back in time for our apartment complex's Halloween Party. The girls had a really good time and were totally unaware of any of the drama that had gone on. They never asked about their mom's wounds as far as I know either.

So I am at work and exhausted. It has been a long weekend. We still have no clue as to how to handle this. He wants to talk to her and question the cuts on her wrists and tell her we know she was strung out. We still want her to go to rehab but I doubt she will. In the meantime what the hell do you tell the girls? This is a lose-lose situation. I am so far along in the pregnancy now and the stress from just this weekend feels like it has aged me three years.

Do me a favor. Pray that this woman realizes she has a very real sickness that she will not be able to get control of on her own. She NEEDS professional help for her mental illness and she needs a treatment program for the drugs. The only way this situation will have a happy ending is if she see's she isn't going to get better without help.

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Hi.I'm new to the forum. It sounds like a really hard weekend you've had. It's so difficult when you see someone behaving self-destructively but you can do nothing about it.My thoughts are with you. Glad that it was just a burst blood vessel...that must have been terrifying!

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 9:35AM
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My heart goes out to you Doodleboo.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 9:56AM
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How frightening all around...the girls and their BM...and then the bleeding incident!

First of all, I am really glad you and the baby are okay! Definitely take it easy (if you can!) the next few days--did the hospital give you a doctor's note to be off work for a couple days? (((HUGS)))

That is really upsetting about BM and the abuse and drug use. I would be really wary of her, and I can just imagine how much this stresses you out....wanting to do what's right for the girls in regards to their relationship with their mom, but then also wanting to protect them at the same time.

How hard...sorry this is going on right now. :(

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 10:03AM
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Doodle, so sorry you had to go through that and glad to hear that you are OK! My thoughts and prayers today will be for your health.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 11:17AM
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Oh Doodle - I'm so glad you and Leila are okay. My heart almost stopped as I was reading that.

Hugs and prayers coming your way. No more messin' around until that girl is out though!! :-)

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 12:47PM
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Thank you all:) It was very very VERY scary for me saturday morning. Jonathan acted so calm but after we were sure everything wwas OK he broke down crying. Even though he wasn't saying so he thought I was miscarrying he was just trying to stay calm for me. He later said he was glad Latla was fine but was more terrified for me than anything. It was without a doubt hands down the most terrified I have ever been and him seeing me so upset and scared really did a number on him.

They determined that the blood vessel had already popped earlier in the week and the clots had formed and stopped the bleeding. The sex dislodged the clots and the bleeding started again. There will be no more sex. It scared us enough that we don't even want to risk it. This happened once earlier in the pregnancy but the bleeding was very light. It was NOTHING like this. I was literally dripping on the floor on the way to the bathroom. All I can say is thank god it turned out OK.

As far as the girls mom is concerned I guess all we can do is watch her like a hawk and hope she eventually gets help. We will continue to do as much damage conrol as possible in the meantime. The woman looked like death warmed over. She was painful to look at. She's going to wind up either over dosing or finding enough courage to drag that knife across her wrist a little deeper. I am sick for the girls right now.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 1:24PM
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Doodle, just one little thing that I'm sure you've thought of, but I have to mention it. If BM is doing drugs there's a big possiblity of her having Hepatitis (not to mention other diseases). If she's cutting herself, there's blood. And that's how these diseases are spread.

I don't want to scare you more, but that's just what came to mind. Has she been tested? Do you have the results?

I think it's really important for the girls to know the truth. Not the full truth, but as much as you can tell them. Like what, I don't know, like how, I don't know. I'm having a hard time explaining what drugs are myself, you'll notice if you ever go on the Parents forum!! My DD asked me yesterday if crackers are a drug!

I'm really concerned for the girls, and for you, too. Having a drug addict around must be really scary, like you can't ever truly relax. I'll be thinking about you, and praying she finds the road to health soon.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 1:43PM
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If we had a contest for who had the weekend form would win 1st prize doodle....Man, what a bad one that was. I will have been praying for the girl's Biomom and will add you and babe to the list. Bless you could use a break.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 1:53PM
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I'm glad you and Leila are OK!

And let's cross our fingers that BM gets a little kick in the butt from this occurrence and realizes she needs to get her act together for her daughters sake (I'm not holding my breath, but I'm hoping anyhow)...

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 2:30PM
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Disease has crossed my mind more than once. J has been tested so if she has contracted anything it has been in the last three years. Her usage has gone way up so the chance of infection has increased also. When I saw the sick color of her skin and hair all I could think was AIDS AIDS AIDS. We need to be up front and ask her if she's been having unprotected sex and sharing needles and if so she needs to be tested. There isn't any real gentle way to bring up that subject. She'll probably just say she doesn't have insurance though.

We are always as honest as we can be with the girls without getting too detailed. We encourage their mother to be honest also. We have explained that she isn't "protecting" them by lying. The hurt is still there but on top of the hurt and dissapointment they are being fed BS on her end. They would never buy the whole car wreck thing. These are smart kids who have started piecing together a puzzle and if a piece doesn't fit they are going to catch on.


Thanks for the continued prayers. I have reached a point where I trully believe only intervention from a higher authority is going to save Amanda. No body can talk her her into getting help. She's going to have to want to get it on her own. We keep giving her names of places she can go for help and she keeps blowing us off. Just keep praying.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 2:41PM
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I'm not holding my breath either sadly. It would be a ton of stress off of J and I if she could get it together though. I guess all anyone can do at this point is hope.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 2:46PM
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I'm so sorry Doodle. There are free clinics for her to go to if she's willing. I hope for her sake, and for the sake of your family that she decides to get healthy and get tested.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2008 at 3:15PM
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I'm so sorry! What a horrible weekend, but I'm so glad things are looking better for you and the baby.

"There will be no more sex."
Now -- If that is what your doctor recommends, then absolutely.
But if not, please reconsider. There are many ways of being extra gentle that are very sensuous and intimate, and you two need to stay emotionally close through this difficult time. While I'm sure Hubby will support your decision, it seems some men just go 'wacko' when they don't get regular sex -- cranky, irritable, etc. There is also some scientific research that indicates regular sexual activity (not gymnastics! but a more tender, careful and caring variety) helps regulate the mother's hormones as well, leading to on-time and easier deliveries. Check it out! ;-)

    Bookmark   November 4, 2008 at 10:39AM
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