Step mother advice (sorry long)

livelovelaughNovember 15, 2010

my mom died about 9 years ago. My dad remarried about 6 years ago. At the time my brother was 14. step mother and him have butted heads from the beginning. My dad took her out for their first date after they met on the internet and she move in immediately and i mean she never left. That was in the spring and they married in feb. Things were difficult for my little brother, however, me and my adult brother were okay with it and even happy for my dad. My brother 23 still lives at home and they do not get along. i have often invited her to hang out with the girls go to movies, scrapbook, events for the grandkids. She has only taken me up on it once or twice. She is constantly yelling about things, during a fight with my bro she called my dad and lied to him (i later explained what actually happened), she belittles my youngest brother, she is short and inmpatient lately with the grandchildren (even my dad has noticed this), whenever my dad comes over or calls she will repeatedly call him over and over again within the first few minutes (he does not come over or call like he used to), she did not come over for a b-day party and called dad quite a few times and accidently left a message on home phone of her crying and saying she can not beleive he would come over when she has such a bad headache. Lastly, me and my sister-inlaw had scrapbooked at dad's house with my youngest bro girlfriend. Sister-inlaw left some things behind. Stepmom is over heard saying she is going to burn it because they would have taken it if they wanted it and my dad was telling her not too. My bro went to retrieve the stuff but now it can not be found. I am just lost as to what to do i was very open to the one big family idea. have tried to include her and even her children. We usually take turns with thanksgiving, i called her it was suppost to be my turn this years but she said she is doing it. i said fine then she tells me that she has already talked to her family. She knew it was my year but went ahead and made plans irregardless of how i felt. Any advise would be great!

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justmetoo

Lots of resentment and games going on with the SM. Nothing to really indicate the whys/hows, but really does not matter. You're all adults now.

The scrapbook stuff, while silly, is over...let it go. Time to start having your scrapping dates at your own house. Time to start having dinners on your own with an invite going out to Dad/SM that they are invited, welcomed. Dad will just have to make both places or perhaps schedule the dinners on a different day so as to spare him the 'have to pick'. Stinks that it may come to that, but why play the unnecessary type game of 'I win/you lose' with SM? If she is totally unwilling to make any compromises, just don't play. It's not done out of anger or any 'oh, I'll show you' type of way...just remove yourself from the game.

You'll hear lots of talk here about SMs sometimes needing to disengage. I think disengaging from the tactics and games of your SM might be something to think of doing on your part in this situation. As adults you have your life, if SM does not want to be a part of that, go about your events anyway. Numerous calls to Dad while he's at your home goes to indicate SM feels she is in competition and doing her best to alienate Dad from his children/grandchildren. Whether she succeeds at that is up to and depends on your father.

Brother at 23 needs to be getting out on his own. Is he still living 'at home' because of school, lack of funds, what? Goal needs to be getting his own place. Not in a fit of anger, but because it's time. Even the best relationships can get strained when numerous adults all live in one house.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2010 at 10:18AM
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parent_of_one

SM sounds like a piece of work. If she does not want all one happy family idea, then you should stop trying.

I agree with justmetoo about removing yourself from the situation. You could still invite her and dad over, if she does not come too bad, turn the phone off. I myself am avid scrapbooker and also am an artist/painter. I don't do any of that at moms/dads house. They of course would not burn my stuff LOL but still. Do it at your own or friends houses.

Brother is 23, he could still live at home if he is in school (is he?), it is acceptable but his relationship with dad/SM is up to him and them. I would not interfere, he is not a child.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2010 at 6:14AM
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