pity party? ~bit long

yabberNovember 13, 2009

Recap: Since BM has had baby she's gone straight back into pulling at kids/ putting the pressure on. SD13 is supposed to stay with us 50% and SD11 35%. SD13 came 2 days late and so did SD11(leaving only 2 days to spend at our home).

I'm feeling annoyed about it all but we are leaving them to make their own choice, the alternative is just too hard on everybody. So BM takes and we give.

This weekend coming we are supposed to pick up SD13 on Sunday, but I don't think it will happen. I've got a new job (yeah!) with different hours so she'll have to take the bus to school from now on, but I will pick her up after school. Busstop just across the road and loads of other kids there, she's 13.

BM has plugged straight into SD13's fear and is feeding it. SD13 was in tears when she heard the 'terrible' news. So she doesn't want to come this Sunday so BM can drive her to school in the morning. We've tried ot calm SD13 down and rationalise her feelings a bit, but with her own mum undermining that what chance do we have??

SD11 is supposed to come this Wednesday but has been coming on Thursdays or even Fridays lately. This Thu coming is the release of New Moon in the cinema and BM has already told SD11 they can go and she can stay home on Friday because it will be a late night (don't get me started on all school days SD11 is missing again). That is too good an offer to refuse for SD11.

It's FDH's birthday coming up next Monday (when skids are not with us)and we were going to celebrate next Saturday (2 days before). BM has already told SD's she needs them to come to a birthday party of one of her colleagues (I know..how is this a big deal to the kids?). So SD13 has asked FDH what time we celebrate his birthday on the Saturday (hoping it would be 8am I guess :-) so she can go to both. FDH has told SD13 that we celebrate it afternoon/evening, no specific time. When SD13 asked if he would mind if they go with BM FDH replied: "You do what you think you have to do, but it is my birthday and I'd like you to be there, that is why we organise the party when you are with us." (And if SD's go with BM FDH will not hold it against them)

I admire FDH for his patience, he truly sees how the skids are pressured by their mom, and he shows empathy and patience. He knows this is best in the long run. It's more than I can say for myself. I also see BM's manipulations and how this affects the skids, it's so hard for them. And they deal with it so well, they are truly lovely kids. But at the moment I can just manage to keep a lid on it and put a smile on my face. I really want to be less irritated about the whole situation, and still be my happy self who makes the effort to create a nice family home, it used to come just effortless. But now I feel more grumpy and I have to take some distance from the skids to be able to deal with it. I can't give myself fully when I'm disengaging at the same time. Please help me, I feel so awful about it.

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And in case this was a bit confusing; the kids go back to BM on the Sunday (one day before FDH's birthday) therefore we organise his birthday party on the Saturday, when the skids are supposed to be with us. Because BM would not let FDH have the skids on his birthday, and no it's not in a court order either so we can forget about that one..

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 5:21AM
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It sounds like bm is getting ridiculous and you may need to put things into perspective for her. Dh needs to let her know that the day you planned the party is DH's parenting time and if she wants to take the kids to some random persons house instead then she needs to be flexible and give the kids to you on dh's birthday. I would remind her of her games of promising movies and other things in lieu of the kids not going to dads. And I would have him tell her that he is done allowing that and he has documented these alienation tactics and will have no problems returning to court so a judge can enforce his visitation yet again. Perhaps that will scare her into perspective??

I HATE it when people alienate the kids from their other parent!!

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 11:33AM
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could it be kids just doesn't want to come and make up stories and excuses, or maybe it is a combination of things, could be that mom and kids don't want to hurt dad's feelings so they come up wiht how busy they are...?

plenty of teenagers don't want to go to the other parent-it is not their home. i remember when DD was younger couple of my friends were surprised that DD was so eager and happy to see her dad, their kids couldn't care less to see their dads-especially in teenage years.

I think at age 13 it is somewhat difficult to keep kids from doing what they want to do, i wouldn't be able to keep DD from going and seeing grandma, dad, cousins, whoever else. she would make my life hell. I wouldn't be able to take her see some colleagues, she just wouldn't go.

it doesn't matter if mom says there is some other party, teenage kids would scream they want to go see dad and are not going to see some colleagues, maybe these kids would rather go see colleagues...nothing against their dad, just no connection there?

like DD loves my aunt and always happy to go visit, my nephew cannot stand going there and it is impossible for my brother to drag him there, so my nephew always has a story how he cannot visit out aunt, all kind of excuses... also if i would keep DD from seeing X, he could knock on my door day and night and call nonstop, it would be easier to let her go. LOL

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 11:47AM
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Yabber, this woman just pisses me off. I'll admit I'm getting sick and it's making me cranky right now, but i just don't see how your DH can be so patient. I admire him for it, as I would be worse off then you - stomping around pissed as all get out. I can not handle when life is so wrongly skewed and one person is able to 'play' so unfairly and continue to get away with it. I was a angry person for several years because of this, and it wasn't until SD 'got it' and we stopped worrying about upsetting her mom's apple cart that the anger lessened.

I think SD13 is old enough to talk squarely to. I'd ask her "how do you think it makes your father feel when you would choose a b-day party for your mom's co-worker over a celebration with him? How would you feel if we were to make that same choice on your b-day? Do you think it kind of your mother to even put you in the position to make that choice? We wouldn't even consider you missing your mom's b-day for such a thing - why is it ok for her to do so?" SD13 needs to start thinking about things with logic other than her mother's. . . I would hate to see her treat her children the same way should she ever be in a similar situation. The girls need to see the flaw in mom's thought process is the world does not revolve around one person.

Grrrrr. I better take some cold meds. I'm getting awfully cranky.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 1:38PM
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How are you feeling JNM? I'm getting a bit of a sore throat myself, hope it will blow over..

I've taken your advice!! Funny that I already told SD13 a few hometruths earlier that day, and then I read your post JNM, which kinda confirmed I wasn't out of line. Not that I doubted that actually, I'm just very careful saying anything about their BM. But this time I did point out that we ALWAYS plan our events in our weekend so the skids can be there, and that I don't understand why BM can't do the same. I also said that we are still going to do what we were supposed to do (after dinner go for coffee and cake to our favorite place) and we are NOT rescheduling anything in OUR weekend. BM wanted the skids home after dinner, to get ready for the party, but she will have to wait until we've had cake.

And FDH did suggest they might want to come over on his birthday then, if they are going to this other party. So the skids are now coming over on the Monday for dinner. I'm amazed BM has allowed it, but I guess she still feels like she 'won' this one..sigh..

FD you are right that sometimes skids just don't want to hurt other parents' feelings and come up with excuses. I've been known to do this myself :-)
With my skids it's easy to tell the difference. If they just want to change something themselves they are not so worried about asking (we always let them go so nothing to feel worried about) but when BM puts the pressure on the skids become anxious and very persistent straight away. That is where we can tell the difference. And this time I'm putting my money on pressure unfortunately, as it is mostly. But not always.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 11:58PM
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And JNM I also told SD13 another truth, indirectly..

When we go out for coffee and cake we will be close to BM's home. However arrangements are for BM to come and pick skids up if she wants them back early. So I said to FDH (with SD13 in hearing reach) that we should drop the skids off at BM's after. Because it would be childish if we were to drive all the way home and then make BM drive to our place to pick them up.

You might be wondering what I mean? Well SD13 got it, I'm sure.

See, BM loves to visit her friend who lives around the corner. She'll go there just before we're supposed to drop the skids off, and then she will not pick them up. Instead she will drive in front of us, or just behind us (I know, it's sad) or ring the skids to let them know she's not home yet, she just left friends' place herself. Which the skids then tell us so hopefully we get all annoyed that BM is not picking them up. (She's very sly like that). But we never take the bait and we drive them happily. But now I thought I'd make the point, and it felt good.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 12:18AM
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Yabber, Gee whiz, it all sounds so complicated. Look, their father's birthday trumps some event for a co-worker, colleague, whatever. Can they do a birthday party for DH and attend this work thing for BM on the same day? Consider that, if not then First things first.

On the letting the kids sleep in so they can go to a movie the night before, I just don't get that at all!!! That is totally inappropriate, I bet if the school knew BM would be in some hot water there. Maybe you should tell..... Where I live you have to explain absences with a note and the note better sound like the truth because the school is not kidding around as they have federal money tied to attendance plus their own expectations and they will sic the truancy officials after you. What does DH think or have to say about that?! Will BM say I let my 13 and 11 year old go to a late night movie on a school night and they need to sleep in on a school day? Yabber, as they say, drop a dime on that one. I would.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 2:02AM
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..."See, BM loves to visit her friend who lives around the corner. She'll go there just before we're supposed to drop the skids off, and then she will not pick them up. Instead she will drive in front of us, or just behind us (I know, it's sad) or ring the skids to let them know she's not home yet, she just left friends' place herself...."

That gets the BM AWARD for the day. Seriously. That is too too too too too too funny! I can't believe you aren't hysterical in the car every time that happens. I would not be able to control myself if that happened.

bwah ha hahahah!

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 3:26PM
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"See, BM loves to visit her friend who lives around the corner. She'll go there just before we're supposed to drop the skids off, and then she will not pick them up. Instead she will drive in front of us, or just behind us (I know, it's sad) or ring the skids to let them know she's not home yet, she just left friends' place herself."

That is not only the funniest thing I've heard in days, but the saddest as well. I can't believe she does that! How ridiculous can one person be???

Yabber, this woman is a piece of work! She seems like the kind of person that would cry about how bad her life was and blah, blah, blah if her kids DIDN'T have an involved father.

I just want to scream at these women (our BM included) "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW FORTUNATE YOUR KIDS ARE THAT THEIR DADS WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THEIR KIDS AND ARE WILLING TO PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAP TO DO IT!!!!!!!" But, you know what, it wouldn't do a darn bit of good.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 3:46PM
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Yes ladies it is too funny, and that is why we do the driving with a smile on our face.

And Iamom: I don't know what to say about the schooling system overhere (Australia). FDH has tried everything.

First we spoke to the principal, who told us about a 5 step plan to tackle kids not attending school enough. However they never got past step 2 or 3 (asking the parent for a written note to explain absence).

Eventually (after numerous talks at the school and not getting any progress) we went to education dept to talk to attendance officer. She told us she never had a problem with this school before and promised to follow up. She then also told us about 5 step plan and how principal would stay in touch with us on progress. Which he didn't. And then the officer didn't really want to know about it either, kept going back to this 5 step plan and advising us to leave it up to school to deal with. Our comment they'd been stuck in step 3 for 2 years already was brushed off the table.

So much for the system hey?..So on to CPS we went; who also didn't think there was a reason for us to worry. So what do you do?

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 8:45PM
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You keep bugging them. And bugging them. And do it in writing, so that you can show all those attempts to whoever up the chain you have to go to. But just keep at them until something happens.

I'm proud of you for taking a stand with SD. I know it's hard and you feel bad the first couple times, but if you phrase things in a way thats more quizzical "why would she do that? It's not logical." than emotional "How dare she do that? What a wench!" you can make your points to SD without her feeling you are trashing her mom. That's the ultimate goal - get SD thinking in a logical way so that she can see on her own how silly her mom's BS is - like the trip to the friend's house. What in the world is the point of that? Come on!!

    Bookmark   November 18, 2009 at 10:46PM
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off topic .... but last week ss14 who has been late to school several times (7+) after a night at mom's was late to school from here (first time) last week so he refused to go completely was fighting and arguing with me about going to school .......

So anyway when the school called to ask why he wasn't in I told him to answer the phone and tell them whatever he wanted to because I wasn't going to lie .... he handed me the phone and I said .... he didn't go today because he was late and didn't want to stay for a detention so he stayed home ... the school gave him 3 saturday detentions for truancy.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2009 at 11:56PM
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