Update on new situation
I posted at the end of last month about a new situation for our family and hoping to get advice on how to deal with it. Many responded and gave me some great advice and I thought I would update you on how the last month has gone.
A recap- My original post was BioMom, remarried.. something like that.
DD has not had "unsupervised" visits with her BD in over 2 yrs and has not had contact with his wife since before then for a long list of reasons. Mostly mental abuse and a physical altercation between her and I that ended up with her in jail on child endangerment and assault.
My concerns going into our "new" situation are that all of the old things would still happen although, SM and I have attended conflict resolution and exDH and DD have attended therapy and supervised visitation with a psychologist. Until we get started, we kind of don't know what will take place.
The judge ordered that DD see therapist with BD and SM and then start a "step up" program over the next month (Entire month of November) with the hopes that we would be back on a regular visitation schedule, meaning every other weekend, Friday to Sunday. Of course, continuing to see the therapist for follow up visits and conflict resolution/co-parenting therapy for the 4 adults. Myself, ExDH, SM and my DH. ( this co-parenting therapy has not happened yet, they won't confirm an appointment)
Two weekends of 4 hour visits, sat and sun. two weekends of 1 overnight stay and then we would start new schedule of Friday to Sunday, every other weekend (1st, 3rd and 5th). with the "open" option that in January, exDH could choose to add additional visitation (thursday nights).
First weekend, no show. Says he didn't realize it was that weekend, had not received confirmation. Although, I emailed the day before asking for confirmation.
Second weekend goes as planned but lots of game playing takes place. Lots of, tell your mom not to send anything with you (as if that was my choice to begin with) she took a book, a small bag of "personal" items, like chapstick, a little key chain thing, and some other little items. She is a collector of sorts and if it were up to me at all, she wouldn't carry that stuff around but it makes her happy, and it's not much sutff.
I had fixed her hair, they took it down.
Even commented on the clothes and shoes she wore, which were not trashy. They were brand new and she looked cute!
Third weekend (1st overnight visit) he cancels. With less than 12 hours notice.. cancels in an email.
Fourth and last weekend of this step up before regular visits are to resume, he cancels. He did get her for a few hours but not the overnight stay. Something came up.
I also should add that I had fixed her hair AGAIN.. and they took it down and informed her that she is too old to have her hair fixed like that. She needs to wear her hair down and straight as it makes her look older, more her age.
SHE IS 9!! what more do you want from her.
I want to say, when you can pick her up on time and follow the judges ordered schedule, then you may chime in on how her hair is fixed or what she wears.
ARGH! I am so sick over it, it just drives me nuts, However, I just smiled and said, Honey as long as you don't die your hair purple and shave it in to a mohawk, you can wear it up or down, either way, you are still beautiful.. that dried up her tears and she moved on and had a BLAST putting up the christmas tree with us tonight..
I am not sure what our future holds, I just hope I can give her enough strength to get through this rough patch ... and then hopefully survive any brain washing she is sure to endure...
It's already started and it just breaks my heart..
They had her for only 5 hours and they made her change clothes into 'their' clothes.. for the 5 hours.. seriously?
I explained to her that sometimes we just get so excited to see how they look in the new clothes we have bought... But what gets me is that if I told her to change or to "try on" something I had bought, she would say MOM!! not right now, I will do it later.. and then it usually happens right before she is throwing it on for the day..
I am glad she is so honest and open with me, I just hope she gets there with them.. How awful to sit on eggshells for an entire weekend.
So what would you do? Do I say something? or just let them think I either didn't notice or that it doesn't bother me?
I think if she knows it bothers me (meaning SM, cause I know this is not my ex.. he couldn't care less) then she will laugh and call me crazy and territorial. If I don't say anything, she is going to get more clever and come up with something else. DD says they bought her a new backpack for her to use on the days that they have her. She has about 3 backpacks that she switches out.. Just depends on her mood for the day I guess... so it's not that big of a deal but what if she wants to use a bag that came from my house while they have her?? It's like they want her to be someone else while with them, as if our life over here doesn't exist. And for some reason they think we must be trash or something becasue they don't want her going in to their house with anything from my house. If my exDH knows anything or remembers anything about me, I am a CLEAN freak! and my house stays spotless even with a toddler running around.. and DD wears nice clothes. I buy her clothes before I buy anything for myself.
I have a younger son, DD's Half brother.. she told me that she got so excited to tell them something that he said and they told her, you don't have to talk about that life over here and you don't have to talk about our life over there.. isn't that awful? I know he is only her HALF brother, but they came from the same UTERUS and they are inseperable.. she loves that little boy.. She was there when he was born and through my entire pregnancy.. it's not like he is a step brother.. even if he was, it still would not matter. SM has a DD the same age and they treat them like twins.. and they want them to be best friends. If DD gets excited about something that her step sister did, I would be so happy to hear her story. That is her family, what is wrong with these people?
that is NOT the man I married.. I am so glad I divorced him. I just can't believe he is doing this to his baby girl. OUR baby girl, ALL 4 of us have a vested interest in how she turns out as an adult and they seem to be darned set on screwing her up!