Any advice is welcome .

NotyourdoormatNovember 4, 2012

I'm 50 and my DH is 51 . we have been together for 4 1/2 yrs ,married 3 1/2. Bio mom left in 2004 and had very litle contact with her children who were 6 and 9 when she left . Until I came into the picture in 2007. We dated 18 months , I moved into his home and we married .Things semed to be going well . I have always been good to the children. We did activities together , ate dinners at the dinner table and I helped with homework and took them to Dr appointments and particpated in all school functions . I have never tried to be their mom and I only discipline when it is needed and DH is at work.Bio mom has visitation every other weekend .She lets them act and speak how ever they choose and are not disciplined by her. Children are now 13 and 16 . Due to bio mom telling the children they do not have to listen to me , speak to me or look at me. The children admitted that bio mom told them if they ignore me , I will eventually move out. This has gone on for the last year . we have talked to them and DH has even given them an ultimatum . Respect my wife or live with your mother , but there has been no change . If I'm speaking to their father , I'm rudely interupted as though I'm not even in the room. There has been correction and taking of privleges by DH , but to no avail . I no longer do anything for them , including cooking. My husbands answer is to ignore them . They were all for the marriage and were part of the wedding party and planned the wedding with us . SS isnow driving and has a car with very little supervision. They have always disrespected their mom even hitting and kicking her and name callingas recent as a month ago . I calmly sat them down the very first time they disrespected me and made it clear they would not behave that way to me or anyone in our home very early in the relationship. I'm now spending the Holidays with my father and younger brothers family. DH wants me to spend the Holidays in our home with him and SK's . DH does not want me to end the marriage . My adult daughters will no longer visit due to rude comments made to them by SK's in the past visit's. Sk's have been in family counseling and exstensive one on one due to abandonedment issues when their mother left in 2004. I have now given my huband an ultimatum .If your children will not speak to me and choose to not even look at me when Iam in their presence which is a form of disrepect . I will end the marriage. I recently lost my mom and this will be our families first Holidays with out her.My parents were married 62 years. Which makes the situation even more difficult.

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I'm so sorry.

"My husbands answer is to ignore them."

Well, there's your problem.

Your husband has abandoned ship & you're on your own.

I my own self would rather be on my own *on my own* rather than on my own in somebody else's messed-up disfunctional co-dependent family's emotional battleground in which I was the scapegoat.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   November 4, 2012 at 10:16AM
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Thank You Sylviatexas.

And yes I am the scapegoat..I was told by a older female family member to stop speaking to my husband and when he ask's why I'm not speaking to him , simply reply , I will not move any further in this relationship until you correct the issue . I will treat you exactly the way your children treat me. I may as well pull up my boot straps ,get through the pain the best I can and start packing .I honestly beleive he's to emotionally lazy and does not want to give up the $ 735.00 a month in child support or should I say her disability check from the state of Tn and she works full time. Imagine that !

    Bookmark   November 4, 2012 at 11:05AM
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It's your home, too. I think your husband simply doesn't know how to approach the situation. Teens can be a challenge, even the best of them. Maybe instead of giving ultimatums you can come up with some ways to alleviate the tension? I'm sure you've tried everything you can think of, hence the plea for advice. The kids probably treat your husband no better than they treat you. Have the consequences been consistent? Every time? I hate rudeness. I know how exhausting it can be to confront every instance of bad behavior in a step child. But! I'd give it a go before I'd give up my marriage. Get your husband on board and every time the kids are rude, confront them. Every time. At least let the conquesences be you and DH saying, "I don't like it when you're rude". I'm sure there will be the regular eyerling and sneering , I'd just point out that that too is rude. Surely they want something from you and DH? Don't give it until you get better responses from the kids. What do they do for food, by the way? Who grocery shops? Stop buying any thing for snacks. Stop keeping toilet paper and toothpaste available to them. Make them ask. Make them ask for clean towels, whatever you can control. Car keys, gas money... Use locks if you have to until you can regain control-- how did it get so out of control in the first place?

    Bookmark   November 5, 2012 at 6:04AM
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Do not issue any ultimatums that you aren't going to follow through on. You said your husband did it with the kids...see who has the upper hand now - the kids do. if you theeaten and back down, your will be "saying" that the kids can keep driving the bus.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2012 at 8:46AM
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The problem started when the children were very small. There was and still is very little discipline on her part and a lack of on my DH's part . My adult daughters are 25 and 30 . When there was an issue with disrespect it was immidiately corrected and punishment was not an option . Not , I heard it and if I pretend I didn't , it will go away attitude. For example : This morning. SS who 16, decided yesterday to drive home early with SD who is 13,, when they are actually suppose to be in their mothers care until 6 pm Sunday . I asked DH why they were home so early . Was something wrong ? DH replied , oh SS decided he had things to do and decided to cut the visitation short . SS was on Xbox the rest of the evening once he arrived home . Then a rude comment was made to DH when he asked SS to take out recycling for Monday morning .. $&%@ hit the fan . SS's car key's , Xbox, cell phone, Ipod , Ipad , drum kit and laptop were taken along with SD's house phone prilidges and her laptop since she decided to jump on the " I run the house " band wagon.. They were both told to take the bus . DH did correct and remove luxuries from both . As I was leaving for work this morning I was confronted at the front door by SS and SD and was told it was my fault , I needed to leave and live else where , everything was fine until I came along. SS also said if I wanted to be greeted as far as good morning , good bye , hello , that I need to speak to him first and then I might be spoken to or not. SS and SD missed the school bus this morning on purpose and proceeded to to tell me his father was an infantile A Hole and he will not ride the school bus when he has his own car . SS proceeded to get his spare car key and drive himself and his sister , SD to school. SS said as walking out the door , It's my car I'll drive it when I want !!! My reply : Ok , have a nice day ! Dh will have to deal with the disrespect and foul mouth SK's when he gets home from work . And this type of episode happens weekly .While the war of the world is going on inside this evening , I will have removed myself to the hot tub out doors and life goes on .

    Bookmark   November 5, 2012 at 3:38PM
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Dear Not, gracious! I hope the last scene was enough to get DH moving! If "it's my car I'll drive it when I want" Doesn't help get things rolling in the right direction , I don't know what will. Whose car is it anyway? Who pays the insurance? Seems to me if SS is made responsible for at least insurance, it would help. At least he would be working! He's so irresponsible, I don't think I would let anyone else ride with him. Too bad someone didn't go to school and get the car!
I'm glad you can disengage! Stay as polite as you can, leave the room where these two are! Whatever you can do to disengage. And try your best to stand with your DH ( albeit a little behind him). I'm interested to see if the latest scene prompted any further action?

    Bookmark   November 6, 2012 at 7:01AM
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Due to the lastest scene , of missing the school bus ,using foul language ,being disrespectful to me once again and defying his father. DH arrived home after a 10 hour shift from an extremely high stress job and confronted SS, took the spare car key ,sat in SS's car for a little over an hour discussing SS's behavior. A half hour after the discussion , SS came into the kitchen and said ... after school I'm going to the store , I need tooth paste and paper for school. DH replied , And how will you do that with no car and riding the school bus home. SS walked off with no response . It just amazes me that this child has the audacity to even approach his father with a request to use the car after an hour long discussion in the car which my DH purchased and owns.I was aked to contribute to the purchase of this car back in August, which I refused . SS will some how come home and get his car ... I'm of it . it's happened in the past I have not made one meal in 4 months and will never ! Not even for the Holidays . I'm leaving to spend the Holidays with my adult children and elderly father in another town an hour away, which infact has my DH beside himself . The removal of the car and all electronic luxuries will I'm sure only last a short period of time , it's happened in the past with both SK'ds. A few days here or there and then it's all given back. In the mean while I'm keeping a journal of my needs , dreams and wants and waiting to her on a new career opportunity which will give me my financial freedom . I have disengaged completely for the last 4 months and will continue to do so .I turn 50 on Friday and life is too short to deal with ungreatful, rude unproductive teen's who I'm sure will turn out to be the same as adults. If DH wants to be a doormat ... so be it . As far as I'm concerned it's a pretty simple fix . Do what your asked , be respectful and productive or you can live else where . I finally blurted out to DH last night . IT"S YOUR FAULT !!!!!! If this is how you irresponsibly raise them , then this is what you get and no woman who respects herself will want to share her life with them or you . Thanks for all advice and sharing all of your post . It has enlightened me and given me knowledge of what steps I need to take as a wife , stepmom and as a woman .

    Bookmark   November 6, 2012 at 8:43AM
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Can't / won't DH go with you for the holidays? It might help him if he watches how normal people treat each other.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2012 at 5:32PM
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The Bio has the children on Thanksgiving Eve and half of Thanksgiving day , then they are dropped off in the afternoon to our home , same with Christmas . I suggested he let SK'ds stay with Bio and come home in the evening of both Holiday's and let them spend the whole day with her .. He said he feels like that is abandonment as a father towards his children on the Holidays. Abandonment !!! They will be with their mother and her entire family My DH suggested I stay in our home with him and the SK'ds, and he will cook Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner since I refuse to cook in almost 5 months. I said I don't care if Emeril flies in from New York and cooks the Holiday meals . Your not getting the point !! I will not be in the position of having to deal with the SK'ds rolling their eye's ,rude remarks mummbled under their breath or the entire attitude of your children . I want to be in good company with family and friends who are enjoying the spirit of the Holidays. I will not let your children put me into a depressed , uncomfortable position ever again . If you choose to go with me to be with me and my family in a happy enviroment , fine ! If not , then celebrate those days argueing and alone in the living room , because your children will come home from being with their mom and go straight to their rooms . They most likely will not eat what you prepare and you will have dinner alone at the table . They do not want to sit at the table and eat , laugh and converse like healthy families do . They will ,if they even come out of their rooms ... sit at the table and brude with a contorted nasty exspression on their faces , while cursing under their breath as they push their food around on their plates . As I will be an hour away with family laughing ,eating and remminising of past Holidays as I sip a glass of wine and savor the momment .....Now , I have chosen where and what state of mind I will be in . I CHOOSE HAPPY ! And this is exactly where the division occurs. Not just Holidays ... but everyday. and I'm simply over It !!!!!

    Bookmark   November 8, 2012 at 8:35AM
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