here we go again?

justnotmarthaNovember 21, 2008

Those that have been around for a while have followed the saga of my odd relationship with my SD's mom. We've been the worst of enemies, barely civil, and we've been wine drinking buddies, sharing a hide-a-bed at SD's last birthday party. I've always worked for 'friends' but I think her competiveness prevented that (along with much more, I know.) Those friendly times, from about January to August of this year, were nice. I didn't find myself waiting everyday to see how she would piss me off. SD seemed happier with us as 'friends.' All was well . . . until the first time we didn't do what mom wanted and all hell broke lose. Since then we have been civil to silent, but no more chatty chatty. Just a few weeks ago I actually read her the riot act - the first time in the 8 years we've had custody of SD. (Yes, to those who might wonder, it felt REALLY GOOD.) So all of a sudden she tells SD on the phone tonight that she has most of the weekend off and the three of us should go shopping.


So I'm stuck. I don't know if I want to go there again. I know at the end of the day we are too different to really be friends - our cores are just too different - but the friendly wasn't bad. I just can't take the 'friends as long as she gets what she wants' type of friendship. It's too tiring.

So what do I do? To shop, or not to shop? That is the question.

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Whatever you do, I wouldn't let myself get sucked into believing it is anything more than it is... she's already proven she doesn't care about having a 'relationship' with you, maybe she's buttering you up for something big.

Make a fool of me once, shame on you...
Make a fool of me twice, shame on me....

I'd be careful to not forget that while you want to get along, it's probably not in the cards to be 'friends'. If that's how she treats her friends, I'd pass.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2008 at 2:16AM
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Wow. I could have written that same post.

BM HATED me from the start. Then after a couple of YEARS she calmed down and things started being at least civil. Then we'd be "friendly" at birthday parties and stuff, and even a few email pic sharing of the kids---but then something would happen and she'd fly off the handle again. Back to square one. And on and on.

Then she got pregnant with her DD and needed a friend. Suddenly, everything was peachy-keen with us. We talked all the time, she cried on the phone to me, I went to her BABY SHOWER with my DD, tried to be supportive as she struggled through her relationship with her BF. But she had a drinking problem during her pregnancy and I called her on it a couple times. I felt REALLY strongly about it and I felt like hey--I can no longer continue this "friendship' if I can't be honest with you like I would any of my other friends. I was NOT mean, I just told her I really thought she needed to get some help, and that I would help her find an AA group or a counselor or whatever.

I mean, no joke, she was getting WASTED a couple times a week while she was pregnant. And smoking the whole time, too. It was AWFUL.

That pretty much deteriorated the friendship. Luckily, it didn't get nasty yet, and we even went to see her in the hopsital when she had her C-sec, but it wasn't anything more than cordial.

Then she got the baby home from the hospital and was back out to drinking several times a week. She went downhill FAST which is exactly what she did after SS was born and WHY DH left her.

Then things went to h*ll even more because DH filed his custody stuff and she blew up. So she was back to being her nasty self--she sent me a text message two days before my wedding telling me to watch out when I walked down the aisle because she and her sister and cousin were going to hide in the crowd and stand up and throw dirty diapers at me.

:( I hate that I have that memory from what should have been a really happy time.

I had to put people on guard at my wedding just in case. I didn't really think she'd do it--but you never know.

Well, now her DD is 11 months old and she is on Zanax and HAPPY again and wants to be all buddy-buddy. Slowly, she is trying to worm her way in.

It's hard. On one hand, I do wish that I could trust that she would change. Because it is more pleasant for EVERYONE, most of all SS, when we get along.

BUt I am being strong because I just can't keep putting myself back there again and again.

(((HUGS))) I feel for you. I know it's easy to want to believe these people...because we know how much easier life is when things are calm and friendly. BUT I tend to agree with Ima here about the fool me once mantra...

I mean--has anything CHANGED with her that would lead you to believe she WILL BE different? Gone to therapy? Joined a 12 step group? New job? Anything????

    Bookmark   November 21, 2008 at 8:11AM
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I, as BM, have had the same sort of relationship with SM. We have tried and tried to be friends but the minute that things do not go her way, then I am this mean, psycho ex-wife that is using her to get back with ex. I have realized that SM is only nice as long as I continually allow her to control the situation with DS and do everything her way rather than me dealing with ex. I guess I have put up with the drama for so long that I did not even realize what I dealt with trying to keep the peace and be friends with her. It was so exhausting. At times, I truly felt that maybe we were becoming great friends but then something would always happen that she did not get her way and I was the bad guy again. Usually I would try to give in and play nice because I realized how much easier it was on DS and how he liked for us to all get along and be buddies. Now that we are not getting along and have not spoken much at all over the last six months, I have realized how quiet and peaceful life is when I am not catering and trying to keep the peace all of the time. I have learned to be respectful and cordial but I do not go out of my way to please SM and ex like I have in the past. I hope that DS will one day realize the games that ex and SM are playing with him to make me out to be the bad guy constantly. In the meantime, I will just continue to discuss DS when needed and be cordial, but I will not go out of my way for them as they never do for me. I guess I would advise that I would not go shopping. I would be cordial but remain distant. Every time I would try to forget about whatever had happened and get sucked back in, it was never long before all the drama started right back up again.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2008 at 8:54AM
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You're too smart to get fooled again -- if you were ever really fooled in the first place.
But you're also wise enough to appreciate the value of a friendly relationship with BioMom.

There's a small 'grey territory' somewhere between 'friendly' and 'friends' and that's where you need to be. Be yourself without letting your guard down completely. Expose a little bit of vulnerability since you sense she's jealous, but not your inner-most secrets. Trust her just a little bit, but know that when your interests diverge, she'll cut you without blinking.

So if you can stomach a day of shopping, I'd accept the invitation. Just keep your eyes open --

    Bookmark   November 21, 2008 at 2:30PM
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I think you are right - to not go could send a harsh message. Part of me hates being at her 'beck and call' - when she wants to be nice I come tagging along, when she wants to be a biotch we go that route instead. But, at the end of the day I'm only in that friendly-to-friend place because it's good for SD, not because I really want to. If I keep that in mind it makes me feel a little less like a door mat.
A little.

So if there is a story of a freak escalator accident in a mall this weekend and you don't hear from me for 5-7 years, you can draw your own conclusions. :-)

    Bookmark   November 22, 2008 at 1:14AM
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I give you alot of credit ... I don't think I could make it with out retching ...

    Bookmark   November 23, 2008 at 9:49AM
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