don't know what to do now

DebbyFinOHNovember 21, 2012

My husband and I have been married for 21 yrs. Every year seems to get more difficult with my step daughters. No one wants to get involved with the problems I have with the 2 SDs. They don't even want to talk about what their problem is with me. When their children were younger I did so many things for the kids, they seemed ok then. Now the grands are grown. The one daughter seems to take pride in making me miserable. She asked me to make deviled eggs for a holiday, when I got there she had made them also. I really felt like it was intentional. When we're around the older SD she comes around Dad when I am not around and gets up and leaves when I walk up. If I talk to her, she just grins. I recently wrote her a letter and told her that I will no longer be a part of her life or will I participate in her drama games. So much has happened in the pat 3 yrs. I could go on and on. Do I just go to family functions with the younger daughter and stay away from functions that don't involve my husband? (bridal showers) HELP! Hubby won't talk to either of them about how they make me feel. I'm beginning to think he thinks I am parinoid.

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As challenging as it is, your best option is to detach from all of these issues. You said in your letter you will no longer participate in drama games. Now you have to follow through.

"Detach" doesn't necessarily mean no contact. It does mean in whatever contact you have, you act in the way most comfortable and "right" for you without concerning yourself with their response. You are not responsible for your SDs or your husband, only yourself.

I would not write any more letters (I wouldn't have written that one either, but what's done is done.) and I wouldn't ask any more questions or complain to your husband.

You've had years to figure out none of those strategies get you anywhere. In fact, any attempt to engage just feeds their egos and sets you up for further ridicule.

If there are future encounters, before they occur try to run through in your head what might happen and plan a response. In other words, role play, so you know in advance how you're going to handle it. I'm sure you know the drill well enough to figure out what these women might do.

Also, try to think of responses totally different from your usual. Don't act hurt. Don't act as if you care at all. You're not part of this game anymore and it matters not at all what they do.

At first this may require some good acting but in time it will become second nature. You know the saying, Fake it until you make it.

And the deviled eggs? If SD pulls something like that just say, "Oh, I see you have deviled eggs. I'm so glad I brought a cooler. I'll just put these back in the car to snack on later."

See what I mean? They've had the upper hand far too long. It's time to turn the tables.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2012 at 4:03AM
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