BM chopped off all SD's hair again!!!!

imamommyNovember 17, 2008

Well, Ceph asked if anyone has any real problems... but this is a problem that there really is no solution to, but I guess it might help to vent and/or hear if anyone else has had a similar situation and how they handled it or resolved it.

In the four years since DH and I have been together, BM has done this several times, always after having a disagreement with DH. Coincidence or retaliation? She used to do this when SD was with her every other week and she'd send DH a picture text to show him she cut SD's hair. He'd always react by getting angry & BM knows he likes her hair longer. (one of the reasons is her hair is very thick so when it's short, it fluffs up and always looks like she doesn't comb it, even if she does) He took SD a couple of weeks ago to get it cut, layered so it doesn't fluff up but keeping the length. Everyone has told her how cute it is.

Then, last weekend DH & BM got into it over SD's doctor appointment on Monday. BM finally relented & let us pick up SD on Sunday to take her but was pissed at DH. Then, SD comes back tonight with all her hair chopped off. The last few times she's done this, DH hasn't reacted because I told him she's probably just doing it to get a reaction and if he just ignores it, he isn't giving her the satisfaction. Since he stopped reacting, she's only done it twice plus this weekend. He is royally peeved! (but not going to let on to BM)

My only frustration is in sending SD off to school looking like she just woke up and didn't comb her hair. It's probably a little self centered on my part because as the custodial step mom, it might reflect badly on me to send her to school, looking unkempt. In the past, when SD cries that the other kids tease her about her looks, I really don't know what to say. Her mom is responsible for cutting her hair off. She's also been teased over her weight and her mom lets her overeat and gain weight. So, all I end up telling her is that I'm sorry other kids are mean.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If she's teased at school. let her call her mom and tell her what happened. Maybe if BM has to be the one to try to "repair" the situation, she'll quit using the daughter as a means to get back.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 12:21AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Unfortunately, SD isn't willing to complain to her mom about anything. Personally, I think she's afraid to make waves with her mom... most of the time, her mom doesn't even answer her phone for regular contact. SD may not want to spend the time she does get to talk to her mom, bringing up her problems because her mom usually brushes that aside & it's almost as if she doesn't care. I can't say that for sure, but it's heartbreaking to see a child that treats her relationship with her mom like it's so delicate that she's afraid to break it by saying the wrong thing.

She was supposed to spend the weekend with her mom but instead, her grandma picked her up from school & she stayed at her grandma's house until Saturday night. (BM was with BF's kids on Friday night until Saturday afternoon) Then she went & picked up SD and kept her until tonight (Sunday), so she only got to spend today with her mom & BF's kids were there too, so she didn't get to spend any time alone with her mom, which is something she's going to counseling for. She told her mom a few weeks ago that she would like to spend alone time with her, but BM hasn't followed through. She said she would but hasn't. BM also told SD that she isn't going to come to her school conference this week. So, SD was pretty bummed out when we picked her up. She got a nosebleed on the way home. I am left wondering if her nose spontaneously started bleeding or if she picked it to make it bleed. She's been hurting herself to get attention for the past few months. She's also dealing with that in counseling. BM has refused to participate in her counseling.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 12:55AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Bm did the same thing with sd last year during her period of trying to take the kids away (so she could get money to support her crappy bf bleh). I KNOW it was to spite DH. He has a firm I dont want my girls hair cut short stance. Sd at the time had loong hair and bm cut it up to her ears. DH was livid to say the least. He and BM had words about that. DH pointed out to her (not very nicely) that he respected her wishes when it came to ss wanting his ear pierced and she needed to do the same. She tried to argue her way out of it and tried to pull a power play (something that was common at the time) But in the long run she got the point. The next time she took sd for a hair cut she called DH to find out what he wanted to do... (but then this was towards the end of her relationship with bf so she wasnt acting like she lost her darn much) Luckily though I can say cutting the hair happened only one time. Now a whole other issue but along the hair lines... DH fought with BM for months because the kids had lice... for MONTHS and her solution was to dirty up their hair. Not solve the problem.... not clean the house.... nope dirty up their hair. So the kids walked around for a good 6 months (unless they were with us) looking like they had really greasy nasty hair. On top of scratching their head all of the time courtesy of the lice. I was so worried that Dh myself or my daughter was going to get lice. (especially since I have a ridiculous amount of hair) But, magically we never got it... hmm maybe because as soon as we found out about it I washed and sprayed everything in the house... and as soon as they would come over I would wash all of their stuff and wash their hair.... amazing what a little effort will do.

I know none of this really helps your situation but at least you know that your not the only one dealing with it.

Try taking sd to a hair salon (a trusted one so they dont try to sell you a bunch of crap) but I think there are some things out there that will smooth her hair with little effort. I have seriously thick hair as well but have always kept mine med to long... but even still I use a lot of garnier fructisse products (which will not work if she has oily hair because it will make it look greasy) to make everything smooth and glossy... otherwise I would have a really big fro every day. :-)

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 8:05AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ima, Isn't SD old enough to say to her mom "I want to grow my hair longer. I don't like the way it looks when it's so short?"

Not to put all of this on her, though... And your talk with Dad about not reacting sounds right on target.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 11:25AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

SD desperately wants to please her mom. She wants her mom's attention, so I don't know if she would tell her mom anything like that. She is very protective and won't say anything bad about her mom, won't complain about her mom, won't disagree with her mom, etc. I don't know if SD wanted her hair cut or not, but we are the ones that end up listening to her cry when she gets teased.

It was 'their' little secret about BM not picking up SD until Saturday afternoon/evening. We were not supposed to find out according to SD. When DH asked her about her weekend, she brushed right over Saturday and only talked about Sunday. He asked about her sister's taekwondo event and she 'slipped' about her mom meeting them there. We already knew her mom was with BF's kids on Saturday because BF's exW said they were at the soccer game & SD wasn't there. It wasn't a big deal to DH, he just thinks it stinks that she was pitching a fit last weekend over the doctor appointment, when she told him to reschedule it.. she said it was because she hardly gets to see her baby. Then, she chooses to spend half this weekend with BF & his kids and leave SD with grandma that doesn't get along with her. And the fact that she told SD not to tell him, it bugs him that she's teaching her to keep secrets or lie to him. (over something he really doesn't care about) In fact, if he knew she wasn't coming until Saturday afternoon, he might have offered to keep SD until she got here. SD cries to us that she doesn't even like her grandma to pick her up from school because she's mean. We know she'd just rather have her mom pick her up but she won't tell her mom that either. Instead she cries to us. DH has tried to tell BM what SD cries about to us, but she gets defensive & it's never made a difference. She might tell him to stay out of it, or she might tell him okay, she'll handle it... but the result has always been the same, she does nothing different for SD. He's given up and thinks 'why bother?'

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 11:55AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Your Sd has to tell her mom: no, i am not doing it. she is old enough to say what she wants.

My X loves short hair and on number of occassions he tried to take DD to hairdresser and cut her hair. DD said "no" every time. couple of times she complained to me that dad keeps nagging about hair cuts even after she says "no"(Dd was about your SD age and then older).

he even kept nagging to me why DD wears her hair long (she does not have very good hair, so it takes a lot of styling to make it look groomed). but what was his problem?

i think sometimes parents do not want to respect their kids as indiviuals but want them to look the way parents see fit.
I am happy X did not actually cut DD's hair, he just kept nagging for years.

BTW when i was married X was nagging to me why am I not cutting my hair short. lol I wonder if he will nag to his grandchildren one day because apparently his nagging does not help, everyone wears their hair the way THEY want it. haha

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 1:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ima, what does the custody order state? Does it state that your DH is responsible for the day-to-day care of your stepdaughter (i.e. primary physical placement, etc.)? That's what my DH's order states which ultimately means that "he has the right to make routine daily decisions about his children's care such as bedtime, study time, diet, extracurricular activities, social activities, and discipline." I would assume haircuts would fall under this as well.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 1:43PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It says the parents will have joint legal custody and share in the responsibility and confer in good faith on matters concerning health, education, & welfare of the child. The parents must confer in making decisions on the following matters: Enrollment in or leaving a particular private or public school or daycare center. Out of Country or Out of State travel. In all other matters in exercising joint legal custody, the parents may act alone, as long as the action does not conflict with any orders concerning the physical custody of the children.

There is also a 'special decision making' section that reads: The father will be responsible for making decisions regarding the following: 1. Participation in school & extra curricular activities during the school year. 2. Non major or routine medical care. (Of course, the activities cannot be on BM's time, and apparently she has a problem with medical care on her time too)

That's all it says regarding decision making, so he really can't tell her anything. He has primary physical custody & BM has three weekends a month, so it isn't any different than a non custodial father taking his child to get their hair chopped off... my oldest son's father did that several times to piss me off. When me would send my son back with a knit beanie, I knew what he'd done. He even had little lines shaved into the side, just above my son's ears. The result ended up that my son was teased because the kids in my son's school thought it was weird. It was a trend in the town where my son's father lived but had not been picked up here by the kids and he was made fun of for being different.

In my SD's case, (or maybe moreso when it comes to girls just because they usually care more about their looks than boys do, in my experience anyways) it should be on the person that has primary responsibility for the care of the child since it would be easy for a NCP to take a kid to get a high maintenance hairstyle and then they expect the CP to keep it maintained? It's really not fair to expect the CP to now have to buy special hair products or spend extra time to maintain a style that the NCP wanted and only sees a couple of times a month. With older kids, it would be on the kid to maintain it themselves, but it was a challenge to teach my SD how to pull her hair into ponytail... that's why DH took her to get it layered. She didn't want to wear a ponytail but it was the only way to keep it from looking like she didn't comb it. I don't have time to flat iron it in the morning and she said she loved it layered. Maybe she is just going along with both parents and who knows what the hell she wants? All I know is that now it's going to take extra work to send her off looking presentable and I have to listen to DH complain about it.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 2:23PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Kicker will be a receipt in the mail subtracting haircut amount from CS owed.

And even if it was covered in a court order ... can you imagine the judge reading it ? ok ma'am you cut the child's hair what do you have to say for yourself!!

If she is doing it to piss off hubby ... he chould call her and tell her how wonderful "you" think her "new" haircut is .... :)

without the sarcasm of course!

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 2:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"call her and tell her how wonderful "you" think her "new" haircut is .... :)

without the sarcasm of course!"

He's done that... told BM how adorable DD is (the last time she did this) and she didn't go cut it for several months until this weekend.

LMAO, I wouldn't put it past her to try to deduct the cost from her CS. She fought the bank levy (toward her back child support) and apparently won. She gets her money back.... we have no idea how much it was. She owes over $1,500.00 right now, plus her half of medical bills & $1,000.00 to our attorney, which was a sanction for wasting the courts time & not filing what she was supposed to and not showing up for the final hearing. She finally bought SD the running shoes she promised her at the beginning of cross country. She got them at the thrift store where her friend (who pretended to be her attorney) works. They are a size & half too big but at least they are 'new balance'.... a decent brand. Not sure I'd let her wear them to run cross country... good thing she got them several weeks after the end of cross country.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 2:56PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hey, at least they'll fit for next year's Cross Country if they're too big now :)

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 3:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We had the same problem in the past with the kids hair! BM would take them and have her bf give ss a buzz cut (just like bf's hair). Every time she had him they cut his hair. DH never said anything about it because ss's hair grows quickly.

My son has one of those longer boy styles and ss has been growing his hair out too so he can have the same style (that is what he says he wants). I have been wondering if bm will try to cut his hair if she ever sees him, or if he will tell her not to.

BM likes long hair so she had never tried to get sd's a short hair cut. Over the summer I got a short hair of those angled cuts where the back is shorter than the front(like Maxi on General Hospital if you know who that is). Anyways middle sd loved it and begged to get her hair cut just like mine. Her hair was pretty long and she was always complaining about how tangled it got. So we let her and she loved it! And really I think short hair is so much cuter on her than long hair. My other sd looks better with longer hair.

A while after the haircut SD had e-mailed bm some pics of us all at the beach. When she did talk to BM again BM brought up the hair cut and told her that she was sad that she cut her hair so short because they no longer looked alike! Inside I had to laugh about that...almost makes me want to encourage her to keep her hair short..LOL!

I think that hair cutting is something outside your control. SD will learn that she does not look good with short hair and eventually she will be too old for her mom to force her into that hairstyle.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 3:43PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Just to add:
Ima, your SD being bullied by her mom makes me sad.
I have no idea how you and DH deal with it all the time...

    Bookmark   November 17, 2008 at 3:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I say you buy a bottle of temporary green hair color and let SD go to town before her next visit to mom's. That could be a whole lot of fun. :-)

    Bookmark   November 18, 2008 at 2:25AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

lol, JNM... Although BM might get upset that I put color (even temporary) in SD's hair, the color itself would not bother her... just the fact that it was done by me. SD has come back with pink hair, temporary tattoo's on her belly, arms & legs (only thing missing is a 'tramp stamp' but we think it'll happen eventually). It only bothers BM if I do any of what she considers mother/daughter bonding things.

Funny thing happened this evening. I was driving when SD asked if she can call her mom so I hand her my cell phone. The first thing BM did was ask if we were upset at her hair? SD might not have been able to hear her so she repeated "do I like it?" and then I assume BM repeated herself and SD said "OH" and paused. She couldn't answer because she knew I was able to hear her. She said um a few times and finally I guess BM asked her in a way that she said yeah. Then BM ended the call and SD told me her mom wants her to call back when we get home. (SD added that BM had a very good reason for needing her to call back later, it was because she had a person on the other line that wants to buy one of her dogs) If I haven't mentioned, BM is breeding dogs & selling them. Unfortunately, DCSS cannot attach that income as they can't really prove it... of course she'll claim it's her BF's money. of course when SD called BM back, she got her voice mail and BM never called her back. Guess she is only interested to know if her 'gotchya' worked.

Anyways, when SD got off the phone the first time, I asked her if her mom thinks we are mad about her haircut. She did a few uh... um... and finally said yeah. I told her that it looks cute and if she wants it short, she should have said something a couple of weeks ago when DH took her. She said she didn't think he'd say yes, so she didn't ask him. So I asked her how does she think he feels that she went behind his back & did it in a sneaky way. She apparently had worked it all out and it was actually her grandma that took her on Saturday to get it cut.. her mom, her sister, her grandma and her had it all planned out. I think she was told not to tell her dad but she says it was all her idea... guessing she doesn't want to get dad mad at mom so she's willing to take the heat. The only heat she got was us telling her that if she's going to be sneaky and lie to us, it's going to be hard to trust her, even when she is telling the truth.

It's frustrating because BM is playing right into giving her anything DH says no to... would that extend to tattoo's, piercings, etc.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2008 at 3:04AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I definitely empathize with you on this, Ima. My FSD's BM would do the same types of things. Like when she conspired with FSD behind FDH's back about moving. And then bribed her to lie. Totally dispicable (sp?) and disgusting!!

    Bookmark   November 18, 2008 at 5:59PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, yesterday SD came home and called her mom. She told her mom she was 'beat up' because she was being teased over her haircut. BM said she'd call the Principal and DH.

SD hadn't told DH anything about it, so he sat her down and asked what happened. She said a boy made up a song to tease her about her haircut. So, she started chasing the boy and another couple of kids got involved & told her to stop chasing the boy. She didn't stop chasing the boy and a girl grabbed her by the arm while another kid went to get the teacher and SD got in trouble because she was seen as the aggressor. DH asked her why she started chasing the boy and she said because he was teasing me. He got after her for not walking away and telling a teacher... the only reason to chase someone is to hit them and asked what she thought she would do if she caught him. She just said she was mad. She admitted she wasn't 'beat up' like she told her mom. She asked me if I would call the school today so I am going to find out the whole story. I agree with DH that she shouldn't have chased the boy, she should have walked away, but that doesn't mean anyone can put their hands on her... so we want to get that side of the story. There were no marks on SD's arm and with her history of being overly dramatic & lying, we don't want to jump to conclusions about the other girl.

Not sure if BM will actually call the Principal like she said, but SD got her pretty fired up because she told her she was beat up and the teacher blamed SD. But, mom likes to play victim, so that's what works for SD with her.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2008 at 10:53AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
Post Partum Depression Because of Step-Grandmother?
I have a 5 year old boy and a 4 month old girl. I was...
New- Really need help..
Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same...
Step son not interested in moving out... Please help!!!
My husband and I have been married for just over 2...
Can I handle becoming a stepmom one day?
I just turned 36 earlier this month. My boyfriend and...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™