My sister -- just a rant
My sister has a 15 year old son. She has been a single mom most of his life. His dad and her seperated during pregnancy and divorced after he was born. His dad walked away, never paid child support until the state caught up with him six years later and at that point he wanted to 'get' what he was paying for ... Meaning 'if I'm paying, I want to see my kid'. I have no problem with this however, I think he could have been seeing his kid for all those years even if he was unable to pay. Somehow he thinks the two are linked together and that he didn't want to he a dad so he shouldn't have to pay. My sister has been married four times in 15 years. She has never lived alone. If she isn't married, she has a live in man. They bounce from apartment to apartment. Until the last two years, my nephew has never been at the same school consecutively. He is just a mess. He has ADHD and has been diagnosed with biopolar disorder. When he was 12 he spent most of his year in a psychiatric hospital because of suicide threats. He suffers from real anger issues. (I can only imagine why)
The therapists came to the conclusion that he was angry with his dad. His dad just kind of comes in and out. Not supportive, not consistent, not anything other than a buddy to have fun with on the weekends. Add on Mom's multiple boyfriends and live in's, the moves, the changes in school, having no friends and no real sense of 'home'. BUT Dad has changed in the last two years. He has remained consistent and has been an actual good presence for my nephew. I would even go so far as to say, my nephew 'might' benefit from living with Dad but Dad says he just can't have a child living with him because of work etc more excuses. And my sister would probably flip if she didn't have her son (this is sick to me sometimes )
Anyway- my nephew is kind of over the anger, he is doing great in school, he is managing his mental health with medication but with behavior modification he is doing excellent. I'm so proud of him. My sister has a great job and makes more money than I do yet she never has a penny to her name, so I buy my nephew clothes and shoes and anything he might need when I can because I think if I didn't he would literally have nothing.
She won't even buy him new shoes when they start falling apart. I have had to buy him toothpaste at times bc he doesn't have any.
So today, I spent the day with my sister. This is rare. We are 'close' on the phone but we rarely 'hang out'. Both of our kids were with their dad's today and my Dh had to work. I went to her apartment.... OMG!! It smells really good but the kitchen was full of dirty dishes from Thursday night. She told me this. The bathroom was disgusting. The trash can was over flowing with trash all over the floor. You could hardly see the sink. The dining room table was covered in clothes and paper(maybe bills?) there was no couch. I mean the couch is there but no way can you find the couch under all the mess. Clothes, shoes, towels, pillows, blankets, God only knows what else. The hallways are lined with just junk. This could be a show on hoarding. No kidding.
Then she tells me that she wants to find a food bank to see if she can get some food for the week bc they have none. But yet in the same hour she tells me she gave a friend $40 so she could buy HER kids food. She said she wants to help people. My response was you don't need to help others when you can't help yourself. If you want to help people, donate this crap!!
The reason I wanted to post this-- not only to rant over it but to get some advice. I've tried helping her. I tried giving her pointers for the last 10 years on keeping a clean house but she wont listen. I'm to a point where I feel she needs an intervention. Is this CPS worthy? My nephew is 15. He is highly aware of what is right and what is not. He told me tonight when we picked him up from his dad's and brought him to my house that he wished he had a cool room like my kids. He even commented on how nice my bathroom was. He also raided my pantry (he was with his dad so this has nothing to do with my sister 'today'). He confided in me that he is embarrassed by his home. It's nasty and he can't have friends over. He can rarely find clean clothes. I told him he should help out by doing his own laundry. He told me he does the dishes because 'no one else will do them'. Meaning mom nor her live in will do the dishes. My sister told me that they eat pizza every night because it's cheap. (really??) his face is broke out with acne and I suffer from it too so I buy him the face wash to help him. He says that he is out and needs more. So i gave him my face wash that I bought yesterday for myself. I can buy more for me tomorrow. I just don't get it. How can someone be so irresponsible? I know he is 15 but he is still a 'child'. He won't graduate from high school until he is 19 so he has 4 more years at home.
What do I do? I can't invest a lot of 'time' because I have my own family but I could do a little. Should I contact the authorities? Help!!
My last rant is when my nephew got in the car tonight from his dad's, she grilled him for 10 minutes on were they went, what they did, who they were with etc. I slapped her leg and said 'none of your business'. She claims she is just interested not being nosey and my nephew said 'no your nosey'. I spit a bit of coke on my steering wheel... But she is like one of those BMs. I didn't know she was doing this to him. So I talked with her for a while and told her that grilling him was wrong. He'll tell her if he wants to share but if he doesn't then she should not ask. I also noticed a difference in my nephew. Almost like he was more mature after spending the weekend with his dad. He was kind of laid back and happy. He wasn't quiet but he was just 'cool' if that makes sense. Normally he is like an 8 year old trying to be the center of attention and interrupting. I think being with Dad on the weekends is actually really good for him.
I just don't know how to help him. I've thought about contacting his dad but I surely don't want to alienate my sister. I couldn't trust that he would keep my contact quiet. He would tell her everything I say but something has to be done.
Sorry so long!! I hope you were able to read it all and that I can get some advice.