New Stepmom Losing It! Help!

gina10October 20, 2009

I am a 29 year old new stepmom and a new bio mom and completely overwhelmed. I met my fiance (who has a two kids 9,10) about two years ago, we go pregnant right away, had a miscarriage,then got pregnant had a baby, then had another miscarriage right after birth of baby this past may (even though we were using birth control). Basically I've been pregnant 16 months straight and my hormones, body, mind feel so out of whack. I used to be a very happy person, now I am only happy with my baby-who is a happy smiling angel!! What has me troubled is we have the two stepkids every other week and I can't bring myself to like them. There have been times where I have thrown fantastic parties and planned fun family time, but overall I just resent that they take time away from my fiance being there for me during miscarriages or being there for my baby. Basically every week they stay with us my fiance devotes 90 percent of his time to them. Some days he will spend only five minutes with me and the baby. I really lose it and get resentful when I am sick or with the miscarriages and my fiance thinks its more important to take care of the kids bc "I'm an adult." I think I'm doing a great job with my new baby, but the fact that my fiance doesn't help with the baby when the kids are with us has me exhausted and angry. Lately I have been so angry at my fiance that I don't want his kids to live with us any more. The kids have bad mouthed me to their mom and then she threatened me and my baby and my fiance did nothing about it until I forced him to. Also, I am still having complications with the miscarriage after a month of bleeding and may need a blood transfusion and have a dnc surgery. intellectually I understand its not the kids fault that they take time away from me and my baby spending with my fiance. But, I can't help resenting them to the point I can't even look at them, much less live with them. I am considering leaving my fiance bc of this situation and it breaks my heart bc I do still love him and want my son to have his daddy. Please help-I don't think I am cut out for this stepmommy stuff and may lose my love and baby's dad bc of it!

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Dear Gina,
(((Hugs))) Sweetie there is no way your hormones are NOT out of whack with all that going on. Take a deep breath.

First of all I would suggest you talk with someone about getting your depression under control. I highly suspect it is hormone related, throw in some post natal depression & an instant family-Viola! It all sounds very overwhelming to me.

Of course you fiance wants to spend as much time with his kids on the weekends, he has to get all the time in that he can over a 2 day period, perhaps he feels stretched thin at the moment and lets face it men are usually at a loss when it comes to dealing with hormonal emotional women. I think if you went to a counselor together and you were both able to verbalize your feelings in a peaceful, non judgemental environment it would do a world of good. You are probably both heartsick over the miscarriages along with the stresses of everyday life, new baby, blending families etc...

Come here and vent anytime, there is a wealth of good advice and kind women here. Take heart, I really think if you & your Fiance get to a good couples counseling a lot of your feelings will improve and you will both learn better coping skills. Though he needs to try and include you & baby and help you more during the weekends too.

Could you maybe take a weekend off while you are recovering from all of this and stay with family, just you and baby? Maybe you really need a nice quiet break so you can work through all these feelings and deal with your health..

Keeping you in my thoughts.


    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 12:04AM
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Thank you so much for your kind words Cat!! They just made my night. BTW the kids are with us for an entire week every other week 50/50, so I get even a little more lonely and overwhelmed than if it was just weekends. I thank you for encouraging counseling we tried it in the past, but stopped going. I think our relationship deserves another go :o)

    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 1:17AM
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You're very welcome. I do too.
I think you have lots going on along with grieving..I hope your DH is open to trying it again..
Take care, gotta run at work...

    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 10:26AM
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I also think you have lots going on with hormonal issues, the stress of a new baby (although it is joyful, it IS stressful!) maybe some PPD, and then dealing with the grief of two miscarriages. (((HUGS)))

I would strongly urge you to make sure you take care of yourself. Some therapy and/or anti-depressants might not be a bad idea at this point.

Stepfamilies can be stressful under the BEST of circumstances. When you throw in all these other issues--it can be a recipe for disaster. I am thinking that your issues with the stepkids are more displaced frustration.

My situation is not the same, but I've felt (and still do!) the displaced feelings. I often have to take a deep breath and a step back. BM has wreaked so much havoc in our lives, that sometimes it's easy for me to view SS as a symbol of HER. THAT is called displacement.

I think you are so frustrated/emotional and maybe depressed, and you're projecting all your feelings onto the kids. I really think if you focus on getting yourself into a better mental frame of mind, you will find those feelings dissipating.

Talk to a counselor---talk to DH---maybe go into counseling together--and hang in there. You have a lot on your plate, take it easy, and take care of YOURSELF.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 10:42AM
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I think you need to go see your dr and talk about your feelings a bit. It is probably all due to your hormones, sleep deprivation, etc. It sounds like your hubby is a good father to your child when his other kids are not there. And it sounds like when they are there he is trying to be a good father to them. He is in a tough situation too and maybe needs a little help and guidance learning how to balance it all. Men are definately less emotional than women so his insensitivity to your emotions after miscarriage are not too uncommon.

Could you talk to hubby on a day when his kids are there and he is not helping you. Maybe say something like "honey, I am really tired could you help with the baby for a bit while I go take a bath or ________" Instead of trying to point out what he is doing wrong help him to understand what you need. I hate to say it but even the best guys need a little training, they are not mind readers!

Good luck and hang in there.

P.S. I had a D&C done before and it really was not too painful afterwards. I had about 2 days of soreness, but was not bedridden. The only thing that was rough was the wait to resume normal marital activities! LOL

    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 12:15PM
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Within 2 years, this guy has gotten you pregnant 3 times, he's not your husband, he's still your "fiance", he not only hasn't shown support voluntarily, he's criticized you when you've had to ask for it ("you're an adult" duh).

Problem here isn't kids;
they're stressed & are responding to the tension in the air just like you are.

Take a step backwards & look at this from a more detached perspective.

When there's all kinds of pain & trouble & hysteria & misery going on, & only one person is calm & "rational", *that person is the reason for everyone else's misery*.

Your husband is the eye of the hurricane.

Do some hard, clear, clinical thinking about whether you want to tie yourself for the rest of your life to someone who gets his girlfriend pregnant *over & over*, who won't help her with her needs, & who plays her & his own children against each other.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 4:59PM
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Sylvia said "When there's all kinds of pain & trouble & hysteria & misery going on, & only one person is calm & "rational", *that person is the reason for everyone else's misery*."

Good insight here, Sylvia!

    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 5:21PM
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I am agreeing with what both Sylvia and Cat said.....

Fiance, the stress from the miscarriages and new life style with the baby are probably to blame.

Talking to a counselor with Fiance and getting all of the other issues out in the open may really help. Besides that - you guys can maybe come to a solution together about how to make the situation better.

He may not know how to handle the "new life" situation either. Families have ups and down. I would take a step back access things and if they are found to be worth it to fight for - You guys together have to decide on a plan of action that will hopefully move the situation to a better state.

wish you the best of luck ... and congrats on the new bundle of joy.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2009 at 6:37PM
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gina, I agree with the general advice given here, being a new mom with an infant can be overwhelming. I also had miscarriages so the effort and attention that goes to the actual baby is major.

This is a tough one because as others have said, your fiance probably does want to maximize the time he spends with his other kids during the week they stay with you. There really is nothing wrong with that, if fact it's good but you two need to make a way so you feel supported and included. Since you are an adult, and your baby is really a baby, he probably really does think that doing that is OK. He thinks "the baby doesn't miss me and she's an adult." Well, adults and infants need attention too!

Talking to a counselor as suggested is always a good idea. Maybe the weeks his other kids stay with you. splurge or better still, have him splurge on a sitter so you can hang out with him and his other kids. Or do something for yourself including your nails, lunch with friends, the gym, the movies whatever. And sometimes plan something together with them all at home. Board and card games sound corny but they are fun and they help build closeness. The kids should be helped in accepting the baby boy as their little brother, that will stop so many problems down the road for all of you.

Your fiance doesn't have to play Disneyland Dad when the older kids are around. Even though you have an infant, there is no reason why you, the baby, the older kids and DH can't do some things together. The baby won't know where he's being taken but strollers are accepted everywhere these days. Good for all involved to push it from time to time in public places. 9 and 10 are definitely old enough to get involved. Or not go places so you are all together. I'm not sure where your relationship is since you have had a baby by a man who is your "fiance" but it should be at a level where compromises can be made to fit everyone involved especially you, the baby and your hormones!

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 7:10PM
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Welcome to the world of step parenting. It isn't going to get better.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2009 at 5:16PM
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From personal experience, I would say that even though you probably would benefit from seeing your doctor on the hormonal thing, it is not just you. I understand that your fiance wants to see his kids as much as possible, but he has your baby now, too. If you keep letting put the baby off on you, in the future, you will have two families in your house. He and his kids, and you and your baby. He needs to be helping you with the baby, even when his kids are there. His kids need to see him helping you with the baby, or in their eyes, that baby is yours, not their dads. I went through it for years, til I put my foot down. Yes, your fiance is going through a lot, but so are you. Even with the stepkids and the baby, YOU STILL MATTER. Please don't do what I did and let him put everyone else above you. Trust me when I say that once it starts, it won't stop.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2009 at 1:31PM
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