Need Help and Direction with SS Situation

SPof1October 24, 2011

Before I start please do not respond if you have something negative to say. I've heard enough negative, I just need some advice and suggestions on this situation.

To give a little background. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we have a 3 year old together and he has a 10 year old with someone that he barely knew when she got pregnant. She was also married at the time and has 2 other children by men she cheated on her husband with. Anyway, we dated for 2 years, living together for a year in a half before we got married. At the time my H saw the child one night a week and one weekend night. The BM calling anytime she had plans to go out and needed dad to keep him, wanted to go out with some random guy, etc. Well once she found out that I had moved in she started texting, calling, emailing my BF all the time (sexual references, pictures, etc). He told me about all these things, eventually the situation got ugly because we would have plans when she would call us last minute to keep the son and she got very ugly towards us. Anyway, things continued to get worse and they had to go to mediation (we were married with our child by the time this transpired) to try and "work it out." Well prior to mediation I talked to my husband and explained how I felt about the situation. He wanted to get the child half of the time (totally understandable) BUT he worked until late at night and weekend days, leaving me with his child and our child whenever it was our turn with him. I asked that he consider changing things so that his child was with us less due to the fact that the child was constantly getting into trouble at school, wouldn't do homework when I asked, wouldn't clean up after them self, left our house with their stuff everywhere even after being asked to put it away, etc. It was too much for me, I couldn't stand it and I didn't want my child seeing his child's negative behavior. Well my husband said "no, this is the way it is going to stay". So now we have a legal document stating that we have to have his child half of the time and my H's work hours have only gotten longer, and the negative behaviors have only become worse. My SK has no discipline at BM house and sees all the other siblings acting in the same manner and thinks it is okay. Well I want my H to go back and change the mediated agreement. I have nicely asked the BM to keep the son on occasion because I have had plans come up that I can't take my SK (I have family to keep my child), when my SK gets sick (during BM time) we've asked that she keep the child out of school and at her house until the child doesn't have a fever, but she sends the child to school and makes us pick the child up while the child is sick, inevitably giving it to everyone else at our house... I just can't do it anymore. I have tried to be flexible and I have tried to be nice, but I have begun to resent my SK, and my H due to the stress of canceling my plans, redirecting my SK a million times, trying to teach my child not to do what the SK does, etc. What can I do? I am with my SK every other week (Fri-Fri)from the time that school gets out until I do all the homework with SK, feed SK, make SK get in bed, etc. I have several events coming up on our scheduled weeks with the SK, but I need to be at these and the BM always gives us a hard time about asking her to keep her own kid when the father is at work. I do not feel that I should have this much responsibility of my SK. I do not mind the occasional week night or weekend, but every other weekend I am thrown into the role of basically a single parent (due to my H schedule) of a kid that isn't even mine, while that kids BM is off partying and having a great time. I'm stressed and this whole situation is putting a HUGE strain on my marriage. Anytime I try to bring this up to my H he gets defensive and we get in a huge fight. He thinks that I should change my plans when it is our time with the child instead of asking the BM to change hers.

I know this was long, I'm sorry I'm just frustrated and angry and hate my life every other week! I need some advice, I don't need any negative or mean comments. I know I married a man with a child, I am fine with that, I just don't think I should be the one having to be a "single" parent. I think that SK should be with BM if dad is at work on our weeks.

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Is he concerned about child support if BM has her child more? That was my first thought if he isn't home & putting it on you to take care of his son. I would suggest making a written set of house rules & consequences when rules get broken & administer evenly to all kids. He needs to know what is expected in your home, don't care if mom let's you do that there... this is our home & that is hers. Your DH needs to support you & agree or then there are gonna be bigger problems.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2011 at 12:39AM
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Personally, I think your H is wrong in expecting you to be the mother of his bio kid and care taker while he is at work. The resentment will destroy your marriage.

Your H needs to be there while his child is under his care, technically. You should only be the supporting role, not the principle player.

I think you will need to have marriage counselor, an impartial person who can break the log jam and hopefully help you both set the RIGHT expectations. If not, then the problem will stay for another 8 or 10 years and I can see the demise of your marriage.

You need to set what you can do and what you are not willing to do.

Personally, I have a blended family, me w 3 kids and the W with 3 as well. Luckily, we went to a class on blended family before marriage in which my eyes were open to so many pitfalls of a blended family. Over 1/2 of blended families will end in divorce because of step children's issues. Consequently, we decided up front that (1) we were responsible for our own children's welfare and education, (2) we would not discipline the step children.

I have my own legacy to pass on to my children and I also believe strongly that my wife and her XH have their own legacy to pass on to their own children as well. For example, my late 1st wife and I had lived frugally and saved for a long time for our children's education so I really don't believe that I should be responsible to pay for my Step children's college education when the bio parents had not planned and saved. That is not my problem. I had to make it clear up front so that no resentment later about why I would not divert my own children's education funding.

It sounds like you and your H need to have a discusion of each other expectation regarding the step child.

Another issue is that your H need to put his foot firm with the bio Mother. He needs to have clarity in expectations with her as well - visitation, education, money ....

    Bookmark   October 25, 2011 at 1:06AM
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There is perhaps a bit of misdirected anger/resentment IMO here. Lots towards the BM and the SS but perhaps more should be towards the DH.

DH signed on for the time. It really matters not what BM is doing that she won't change time because you have plans. No more so than if you would not change plans if the issue were reversed. It's pretty simple actually. You have plans, your child is going to family during your planned DH can either take the evening off, hire a sitter, or send his son to a willing member of his own family or good friend. Why DH is not already doing this is not really the BM's fault.

Sure you feel 'trapped' into staying home, but the problem is DH for not having plans for his son. I would not stay home and cancel plans. Years ago when my SS was still living with us and my DS and our children together, I either hired a sitter or if my family was sitting they sat for SS too. Dh and i did not have bio-parents around to send kids back to, get angry at becasue we needed a sitter or whatever. It was DH, I and kids. Period. We had to figure out together how and when outting events that did not include children would occur.

I'd think your BM also needs to figure out something on her end during her times of having the son if plans come up for her.Just because she suddenly wants to go out on any given evening should not necessarily mean she can call you/DH up and say 'you have to take him tonight'.

IMHO your DH has taken what should be his responsibilty and 'fixed' it in his mind that it's yours. Your responsible for one of these children, but he is responsible for both. I would not do the calling around trying to see if BM will take the son either. Let him do that if that is his 'solution' to you having plans. Let him do his own 'dirty work' so to say. You can't be expected to stay home every night of your life and finding a 'sitter' should not involve YOU calling around and begging BM. His kid, his problem. Yeah, that sounds a bit cold, but he could take the evening off or change his schedule...if he can't do that , then he'll have to figure out what HE can do.

If there were no YOU, he'd have to figure this out. Just becasue there is a YOU does not take his role as parent to this child away.

I don't think you're wrong in feeling so resentful, but I do think the resent needs to be placed where in the proper place. This is more an issue between you and Dh rather than a SS/BM issue.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2011 at 8:36AM
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