I want a baby too!

StepMomma2October 17, 2012

My boyfriend and I have been together more than 3 years now, he has 2 daughters. One will be 7 next week and the other is just over 3.(We got together around the same time she was born) I love these girls like they are my own and love spending time with them. Unfortunately, their mother wants me dead, and no that is not an exaggeration. She thinks I am the reason my boyfriend and her broke up, and 3 years later, still whines about it incessantly. So my relationship with the kids has to be hidden because she will throw a giant hissy fit if I am around them. My boyfriend only has the kids from 1:30-5 on Tuesday, but since his oldest is in school he doesnt get them until 3:30. Their mother allows him to keep them later as long as she thinks I am not there. If she were to find out I am, she will take the extra time away. It is a very tough situation for me. But this isnt what is really hard.

The hard part for me is that I want to have a kid with my boyfriend badly, but he doesnt! He is afraid that his kids will feel like they are being replaced, kindof. Like "why does the baby get to live with daddy and see him all the time and not us" I can understand the fear, but at the same time, I know that that doesnt have to happen. I have told him that if I had to choose between him and having a baby, I choose him. And its the truth, but at the same time, it hurts like hell! I do good a lot of thetime of not letting it phase me and accepting it but then there are times that it is all I can think about and all I can do is cry. Especially when birthdays, holidays and family events come up and I can be apart of it because the girls mother has to be around and will not let me within a mile of the kids. I just want to be apart of the family. It is just really hard and hurts like hell sometimes.

Any advice on how I can deal with this, and accept it better?

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"My boyfriend only has the kids from 1:30-5 on Tuesday, but since his oldest is in school he doesnt get them until 3:30." Your BF only gets the kids for four hours every week? He needs to get that changed right away.

Is there any type of court ordered custody established? If not, he needs to get that set up right away. Even with an every other weekend screwjob that most fathers get, the mother can not dictate who the kids see on the father's time. For how long has the BF hidden your relationship with the kids from the BM? For how much longer can this stay a secret?

Not being able to celebrate holidays with your BF's kids makes it hard to deal with the fact that your BF doesn't want to have any more kids. It's like you are trying to substitute your BF's kids for your own. You can't expect your BF's kids to fill the hole in your heart.

1. BF needs to get a custody order in place so BM can't interfere with his time with his kids.

2. You need to really do some soul searching and decide if you can really live without children of your own. Once you make your decision stick by it. One way to "deal with it" is to tell yourself, you've made your bed, now you have to lay in it. I'm not saying this to be harsh, if you REALLY are choosing your BF over having children, then live by your decision and don't look back. Don't let the fact that you won't have kids get you down or eat you up inside.

And there is no shame in realizing that you aren't meant to be with your BF because deep down inside you realize you really do want children. Either way, once you've made your decision, own it. Best wishes to you!!

    Bookmark   October 17, 2012 at 9:29PM
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Having someone else's children for a few hours a week isn't at all like having your own. You said you want a baby of your own. Until you actually hold your own child in your arms, you won't really understand the magnificent bond of your own child. I used to think I loved my nieces and nephew 'like my own'. Then I had a baby. It is an amazing precious wonderful time of life. I am so glad I had a daughter. I had a delightful time loving and raising her. She is still a wonderful part of my life!
If you want a baby too, find someone else!

    Bookmark   October 18, 2012 at 7:23AM
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I'd not be to too quick to give up my hopes and dreams for this BF, SMommy2. I don't think I'd be having babies with this BF as it stands right now either. Only you know what it is in life that will make you 'happy' and/or what you're willing to or not to settle for...but I read a couple things that I'd be real uncomfortable with in your situation.

1) BF is only a very brief occassional 'acting' father currently. You really have no idea as to how this guy would 'parent' 24/7. Not only his two current children but any future children.

2)He is having his children lie for him. I have no idea how long he has been requesting a 7 yr old to lie to her BM, but teaching a child a lie and be untrustworthy is a lesson I'd not want my children to be learning is acceptable behavior. It's a lesson they will carry on into other areas of their life.

3)You're currently the 'hidden woman'. Do you really think that you and your children if you have any with this BF will have any different things like holidays with this guy because you have a baby at home? I see him either still leaving you behind to celebrate without as now, or huge fights between the two of you as to where "Daddy" is spending the day.

4) back to the lies. If he is having his children lie to get his own way now, what makes you think he is not/does not lie to you too?

5) if you had a child with this BF and the realtionship fails, is this the man you truly want to be a father to your child. One that will teach his children to lie, settle for an hour and a half a week of being a father, and your child never knowing their siblings because you and your kids are the 'hidden' ones or your children are the ones that get sent to Daddy's for visitation only to get caught up into the resentments of the first BM.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2012 at 9:29AM
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Not gonna agree with how the BM is acting, but I do see her point from one perspective...if your BF gets a whopping 4 hrs a week with his kids, there is absolutely no reason that time should be spend with anyone other than them. You get the other 164 hours a week with him...this time should be spent focusing on the kids.

I was gonna chime in on a bunch of other things, but I think the previous person may be right. I understand this guy may seem "perfect"...but, if he is not willing to give you one the things in life you want more than anything else....then, in reality is he FAR from perfect for you. I actually think that despite your statement that you would choose him over having your own child, it would probably mess up your relationship with him in the long run...your resentment would always be there.

I give this guy credit for not wanting to split his attention with more kids. I did the same thing, my kids were 9 and 6 when we split, but right away I knew I would NEVER have that "second family" that so many divorced guys wind up having....it's damn near impossible to raise my kids (now 15 and 12) as it is....I cannot imagine having younger ones in the picture.

But I also agree with Amber, he needs to go to court and demand more time with his kids! Unless there is something you are not telling us (history of drugs/violence/etc...), there is no court that would only allow the BD 4 hours a week with his kids, if he wanted more.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2012 at 9:33AM
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SM2, I feel like my situation has the potential to end up like yours (per other thread, I'm currently dating a guy who just had a baby w/the girl he was with immediately before we got together). Like you, I'd also like to have kids of my own and that is not ruled out with this BF, once things are stable with custody and living arrangements. Until then, during the time he will have with his daughter, I at least get to see how he interracts with her and what kind of father he is, how he handles her being sick, etc., whereas first-time parents really don't get to see that about each other. That may end up being a big factor in how I make a decision in the end whether BF and I can or should stay together.

If BF fears that his kids will be replaced, he needs to do as others suggest and seek more time with them. I'd be surprised if they don't feel passed over right now, in favor of you, which may be why BM is so insistent that you not be around for those precious few hours (as kroopy suggests). BF's failing to show enough interest in his existing kids would concern me quite a bit.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   October 18, 2012 at 10:53AM
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The time that he gets is court ordered. When the first went to court, he only had supervised visitation because the mother claimed that he did not have a solid relationship with the youngest, who was still an infant at the time. He has had this order for sometime now. He tried to get them on Tuesday's and Wednesday's (his days off) but she fought it saying the Wednesday's were her only day off to do things with them. I agree he needs to go back for more time.

And he is a great father when he is with them, and he will go and see them after work a few times a week as well. And no, he is not a druggie or any criminal issues what so ever, just like me. Neither of us have done a drug a day in our life.

The BM doesn't do what she does because she thinks I'm taking away their dad from the kids, she does it because she thinks I'm what took him from her and that if I wasn't around that they would be together. She is the type of person that believes that you stay with the person you have kids with forever, no matter what. My boyfriend left her because she was overly jealous and controlling. She would go through his phone, emails and cause issues with his female customer's(he is a tattoo artist)and that isn't even close to all of it. She basically takes the cake when it comes to psycho. And she refuses to realize that the way she was is what caused them to separate not me.

And believe me, we hate that the oldest has to lie but she kind of took it upon herself because she loves me. They both always ask their dad when I'm going to get home and run to me when I walk through the door. The oldest has realized that if she tells her mom that she is around me that she wont get to be around me anymore. And there have been times where she wanted to play with me and hang out with me and we told her no because mommy gets mad. She doesn't like that.

What is funny is that after reading a lot of what you said I got defensive. And it made me feel better, so thank you for that. I love my boyfriend and as bad as I want a kid, he is what matters the most to me.

And as a step-child, that whole "second-family" thing that people call it...I'm the first to say is crap. Every child is family regardless if they are step or half...both my bio parents had kids with the people they married, it doesn't mean that the other kid is replaced, it just means the kid has another person to grow-up with and love.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2012 at 12:22PM
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Oh Stepmomma2,
He spends a few evenings a week with them ? In their Mom's home?
What's really going on?
Years ago, my daughters father would come to my house under the guise of seeing his young daughter. He was really there to see me. I allowed it so my daughter could have more exposure to him because he was so inconsistent in visiting.
Don't get defensive; you'll throw up a wall that won't allow you to see what's really going on, and it won't help protect you later either. Be careful, guard your heart. Your post states you want a babe. Your defensiveness says "I'm right in keeping this boyfriend ".

    Bookmark   October 21, 2012 at 8:05AM
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It sounds like a tricky situation.

I can see the mom's point in that he only sees his kids one day a week so he should be focusing on them at that time. He really needs to go have that court order fixed. He should be getting every other weekend or something more with his kids. I know, he works. But I am sure the mom works and she finds childcare for when she is at work....he could do the same.

If he had his kids more I don't see the big deal with you being around. And honestly she really can't stop it if he has court ordered visitation..she has no control over who he wants to spend his time with the kids with as long as they are not a criminal or drug addict.

You should not be the hidden woman! That is not right at all. You should be allowed at holidays. How sad for you to spend holidays without your boyfriend!

As for having kids, I don't think you should really be considering doing that right now. He needs to get more visitation with his own kids and start making you a visible part of his life before I would consider marriage or kids with him!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 2:44PM
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