I am finally admitting it!! Not SF issue.

mom1sm2October 30, 2008

All right I finally have decided to admitt something to myself. After three years at home with my daughter and ss, when he is here, I am sick of being a stay-at-home mom.

Before I even go on I just want to say that I have no judgements against those that feel it is best to stay at home with the kids (I have felt that way in the past) and I have no judgements against those that have to work or those that choose to work and have kids (I feel that way now).

I went to college for six years and never could figure out what I wanted to do. The one thing that I truly enjoyed I quit so that I could move back to be with my husband (then my bf). After my daughter was born I decided to go to school over the internet to get a job where i could work from home. This worked out pretty well.

It was the plan that I would stay home and work until we had our last child and that child was preschool age. Then, I was going to go back to school for whatever I choose. My dh is completely supportive of me going back to school sooner, but I feel guilty. I have what some would think is the perfect set up I have a job and stay at home with my kids. The problem is I feel like a loser to be honest. I know I should not because I am raising a child and plan to have at least one more, but I hate my job, it is so boring and unfulfilling to me.

You may remember that I recently posted about my dog being really ill. Well, I spent a fair amount of time at the university veterinary hospital. I was so jealous of the young people working on their careers. I wanted to be a vet nurse and specialize, but I quit. Now I feel that I really would like to go back and have a career that I really would enjoy. I have been thinking about getting pregnant and then starting school when the baby is around three or four months old. The college I want to go to has a on site child care program.

I am not so much wondering what people thinks is the best staying at home or not, but am I terribly selfish to change the plans my dh and I made? I just feel like i am suffocating at home and am having trouble being the kind of stay at home mom I feel I should be. What do you guys think?

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Not much time now -- But just wanted to say that if you feel you are suffocating at home, you're NOT being the kind of mom you want to be.

As a young career woman, I was humorously outraged at my sister's life plan -- Get her PhD so she could do "interesting work" part time while her kids were young, then work full-time only after they were middle-school aged. Of course, now, I see the wisdom in her approach - that is, of course, assuming you have the luxury of that much schooling and the timing works out. (It did for her.)

But my point is -- Is there any way for you to do interesting work part time? Maybe even on a volunteer basis if needed? If you're a happier person, you'll be a better mom.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2008 at 10:46PM
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I also planned to stay home until all kiddos were school age, I as well felt suffocated....I chose to go back to school part time, enroll the yonger two in preschool part time, and I dont feel guilty about it one bit....I am much happier, and I think the kids are happier too, they now have friends to play with and are learning alot....
I firmly feel that if you are unhappy, then your children will feel it, going back to school is not only for yourself, it also for your children...dont let the guilt bug eat you up.....

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 9:01AM
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I was a SAHSM for 2 years ... and felt the same way ... but mine was an "unappreciated" feeling... more than suffocating.

But I went back to work about 7 months ago for my own sanity I get to talk to adults and people who talk to me. I did it for my own piece of mind ... I would sit home and "dwell" on what a loser mom was to do the things she does to her kids ... now I do not have time to dwell as much more is going on with the kids now than before and we are much busier with DSS and counseling and family therapy appts. but I feel healthier if that makes sense ...not as bored all the time.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 10:15AM
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in understand being SAHM or SAHSM with very young children, but when kdis are school age I do not see the prupose. Kids are at school during the day so who is mom staying home with? Kids aren't there.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 11:11AM
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well in my situation .... my SC were so screwed up and unstable due to their mother's leaving them and with 3 children who required lots of extra attention who were violent to each other and other children who had extremely defiant behaviors ... someone needed to be home during the day to get them from school.

Because my SC needed stability and structure I quit my job in may of 2006 a month before summer and in september I continued to stay home because of the same forementioned issues between being sickly and behaviors hubby could not get out of work everytime one of them needed to be picked up from school .... mom was unavailable.... so I picked up the slack .... that summer(07) home again we could not count on mom to pick up the children when she needed to so I again was unable to get a steady job ... paying for 3 children to be in daycare was/is very expensive so instead of me working to pay daycare we decided I would stay home and be available for the childrens needs ... september of 2007 I began looking for a part-time job and SS10 began having issues at school again so rather than get a job that I would have to leave at least once a week to go pick up a kid and spend the rest of the day with them I stopped looking for work again ... then as the children calmed down and matured enough and could make it through the day with out being sent home ... I started working in march of 08 part-time but its something ... I continue to work part-time and now that SD is living with her mom I can look for full-time work as she is the only one who really needed looking after now that the boys are older.... so I can live up to your standards FD and be a contributing member of society.

But see what really sucks for me .... mom filed a report on me via DSS that I "neglected SD mental health status" so now I have a bad 'CORI' so any job I could get with the schooling I have is useless .... can't teach anymore, can't drive a bus anymore, can't work with elderly anymore, can't work with disabled people anymore.... so I would have to get re-training to become a contributing member of society.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 11:36AM
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I think we are all good at passing judgement on what we think other people should or shouldnt do regarding work, but in reality, the only thing that should matter is how we feel about it personally for our own lives.

There are no right or wrong ways here. Women in particular need to drop the guilt over their choices, and find what works for them, so they can be content. And the rest of us need to shut up about other peoples choices unless, of course, its costing us money :)

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 12:02PM
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It is perfectly fine to do whatever but if people feel bored, miserable, angry, suffocating staying home then my advice is to not stay home! i did stay home when DD was little, until she was 3, i did have a part time job that i worked at home and I also was in college, but didn't work outside the home. but when she went to preschool and so forth there was no point for me to stay home because DD was not there! i always advocate for women to stay home with very young children (if they can afford) but when kids aren't home, there is no one to stay wiht, unless of course women just want to stay home and take care of the house. it is fine too. unless they say they are suffocating. then once again my advice is to not stay home. if somehting does not work for people they should not be doing it!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 12:54PM
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OP asked what should she do. if she would not ask, nobody would say anything about her working or not working. she says she is suffocating staying home with no career. and asked our opinion. i give her mine: stay when kids are little and then go work. that's what i did. others can do what they see fit. if people don't want to hear our answers, they would not be posting here.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 1:01PM
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It seems to me that the happiest, most secure children are the ones who have a fulltime parent on hand during their earliest years.

In your boots, I *think* I'd either

1) have my children right away & stay at home until the youngest was at least 5

2) return to school & put the baby project on hold

3) decide to shelve the baby project entirely.
You & your hubs have 2 children between the 2 of you, the world is crowded, & you're stifled at home...

    Bookmark   October 31, 2008 at 1:26PM
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I just wanted to say to the OP, never feel like a loser!! It sounds like you're doing the best you can - sometimes you have to make adjustments and adapt as the situation changes, or your feelings about the situation change. You should not feel bad about that - it's life. But don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe the upside, if there could be one, of your dog getting sick was your trip to the vet hospital, like a red flag waving in front of you that you need to give something back to yourself. Good luck to you. =-)

    Bookmark   November 1, 2008 at 11:12PM
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Thanks for all of your posts. Thought I would give you an update and ask for your thoughts once more.

Just a quick note. I do have a career (sort of) I work from home as a medical transcriptionist. So it is not like I do not have a job I just do not want to do it for much longer. See, I did it initially so that I could stay home with my DD and still make money while DH was in school. Now he has graduated and is working.

Okay so here goes. I came clean with my dh as I mentioned and he is TOTALLy behind me bless his heart! I think what we have decided to do is go ahead and try to get pregnant. I will continue doing what I am doing now (work at home and stay at home with DD) until this summer. Hopefully by then I will be PG. I am planning on starting at the local university going part time. My daughter is already in preschool three hours a day, five days a week so she is no problem plus she never wants to leave with me anyway. The problem has been that I do want to get started on more education before the next one is 3. So I am going to go part time taking night classes, online classes, and maybe a day class if my dh can get those days off. That way I am going back to school (big goal) and we can have a baby (another big goal). The hope is that I can attend school, on a very part time basis to start with, and attend when my DH can be home with the FDB (future dear baby). There is a chance I may have to take a day class once or twice a week and my DH thinks that he will be able to ask for those days off for the semester. After the baby is older probably around a year. I will bump up to full time (about 12 hours worth of credits) and the baby would go to the university childcare center (which I hear good things about) my daughter would also move to their preschool and prek program. I think this is the best of both worlds for us. Though the baby will go to daycare it will not be until he/she is around 1 and not from 8 to 5 but more like 20 hours a week.

Here is my question. At what age do you personally feel we are to old to go for serious higher education?

I have this need to be highly educated (not sure why just personal goal) and to be able to make enough that I could support myself and my kids were it to happen. My DH is awesome and we have a great life, but there is always this nagging in me that says "you depend on your husband to take care of you." As I said this is not because my husband is a jerk or EVER says anything about it, but I just want to know that I can do it on my own. My point? Well, in order to make the kind of money I would like to, to get the higher education I want, and to have a job I would enjoy I am looking at around 7 years of education. I already attended six years of college (screwed around A LOT) and I am almost 30. My dh is totally behind me and even said he would get a second job so I can focus on school and family. We also realize this would mean everyone would need to help me out around the house. I would lose a lot of free time and my life would be very different.

I just wonder is it too late for me to start something like this. I hope not, but there is fear inside of me that says it may be. What do you think? Sorry so long and not SF related, but I only post here and value your thoughts.


    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 12:40PM
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Its never too late to go for higher education. The only time we may thing so, is when we let other people's perceptions of how we should live our lives, rule us.

Your life is yours to live and it's the only one you get. Live it as you choose, and don't worry about the naysayers.

I am in my late forties and still take classes now and then. My late ex father in law, who worked as an architect all of his career, went back to university after retirement and got a degree in classical history.

Education is knowledge, and knowledge is desirable for its own sake.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 1:11PM
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Mom1, thats great. You're never too old. Good luck :)

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 2:24PM
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1) What Kathline said.

2) Even if there were such a thing as "too old", I hardly think 30 would be it. Ok, so you may be 37 when you graduate. How old do you expect to be when you retire? (62 sounds reasonable, no?) How many years are there between 37 and that age? (so, let's say 25 working years from 37 to 62) Plus, lots of people, especially ones who enjoy what they do, retire a lot later than that, or do part-time or consulting type stuff after retirement, so add maybe another decade or so of that type stuff.

Now, do you really think it wouldn't be worth it to get a degree that would allow you to do what you want for up to 35 years of your life? 35 years... more years than you've even been alive so far?

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 2:36PM
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Thanks for all of your thoughts. Great answers and great points much appreciated!

It actually may be 8 years depending on what I decide to go into, but first things first I need my bachelor's degree. Look out youngins at the university here I come!


    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 4:20PM
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NEVER too old!!! Go get that degree! I'm proud of you, and your kids will be too!

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 5:34PM
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