new issue,,i dont think this is ok

sweethrttttOctober 14, 2009

ok, so i have posted here before, if you all recall, about my bf who spoils his teenage daughter that he recently came in contact with after 16 years..well it has continued..birthdays..shopping...senior pictures..dropping everything to take a trip to her state to buy her something she needs simply with her asking...over charged cell phone bills...sending 100 dollars for makeup..it just doesnt stop...but NOW...he does not bhave the money he needs to pay for his half of living expenses..he is 250 dollars short and tells me i got what he has to give...he had to pay a huge cell phone bill..i say that is not my problem..and he does not see it but indirectly if he did not spend so friviously on his daughter he would have the money to cover his living expenses...which should come first..why should i have to pay his half? he doesnt pay to support my kids and i never say i dont have my half because i had to do so and so for my kids..and if his daughter didnt run up the cell bill he wouldnt have had to pay so much..right? i think its unacceptable and unfair to me and selfish of him to think i should be ok with this...any words of advice????

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sweeby

You're right --

If your financial agreement is that you pay for your kids, he pays for his, and you each split half of the household bills, then he's defaulting on your agreement.

Now - What are you going to do about it?

    Bookmark   October 14, 2009 at 7:49PM
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kkny

Of courese its not right. I would sit down and tell him you resent him forcing you to loan him money and ask him when he intends on paying you

    Bookmark   October 14, 2009 at 8:58PM
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goodbyekitty

I think it's time, don't you? Thank God you're not married to him. I'm sorry this is my first time posting and I don't want to anger anyone. I have issues too with my step family and a lot seems unfair. But I'm married, and to a certain degree, I have to stick it out. You don't have to. Be very careful of what family you marry.

    Bookmark   October 14, 2009 at 11:48PM
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justmetoo

hmmmm, does his 'share of living cost' due the household budget take into consideration any babysitting time/effort BF put in this month babysitting while you worked weekends?

Going back and reading your past postings since August, you were having a real problem emotionaly dealing with money BF was spending on daughter --period. You resented it even when he had the money. This month it's biting him in the buns, cause he got took by daughter on the cell bill.

As an aside tidbit to BF : Check cellphone programs, teens are rabid creatures when it comes to minutes and texts, daughter abuses the program, daughter loses the cell. And be sure she understands the program and who she can and can't apply the 'unlimited' to.

OP has been waiting for BF to go 'oops, overspent' and he finally has. But question is: what are you going to do about and why?

Does a sitdown occur with BF and you rethinking 'share of living cost' due from each and what constitutes a contribution?

When you spent your 'spending money' on your own children do you ask BF if he finds the expense worthy? Too costly? Not necessary?

One charge in earlier posting was nails, now it's $100 in make-up. If BF had not ran out and been $250 short in his contributions to 'his share of living cost' I bet the $100 in make-up still would have you steaming. Does BF know that you resent his spending money (even when he has it) on his daughter for goodies and treats that you yourself can not afford after you spend money on your kids and make your 'share of cost of living' contribution to household budget?

I'm not being helpful to the issue of the $250 for this month, but I don't think the $250 is the real issue for you and BF here. I think the issue is who the absent money went to. Who would you blame if BF's auto broke and he needed to fix it causing him to be 'short' his cost of living share contribution?

Time to retalk the household budget, what you expect from BF and why, what the 2 of you agree is acceptable contributions and what happens when 'oops, somebody is short this month'. Until you come to terms with the idea of a stepdaughter being a part of BF's cost of living, I don't think your relationaship is going to last long. Is BF sending daughter child support on top of the goodies he buys or pays for her? Do you get child support from your children's bio-dad?

    Bookmark   October 15, 2009 at 9:08AM
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kkny

Teens and cell phones. GRRRR.

I have had good experience with cell phone company allowing me to RETROACTIVELY change plan. They are happy to get kid on slighly more expensive plan -- and waive problem month (if it fits under new plan)

    Bookmark   October 15, 2009 at 10:00AM
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justmetoo

psst, kkny, so true on the cell bit. DS22 got major wake-up call when he got stuck with an $800 bill. To start he did not understand his program and he was not experienced enough to think to ask the right questions or to clarify what this or that actually meant.

He has hubby, me and his girlfriend under one family plan in his name (he works full plus time and lives at home). It works out cheapest and best. Dad and I pay only the part under our numbers and GF and he fork over the rest cause they like all the fancy stuff and set up what they wanted and could afford, lots Dad and I did not need/want. He checks where he stands often and when he saw 'trouble' last time called in and changed plans for another $10 to double minutes. As long as he made the call before statement day, no problem.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2009 at 10:24AM
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stepmomof4

Sweeby said what I was thinking.

Ball's in your court, sweethrtttt.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2009 at 4:47PM
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ashley1979

"Teens and cell phones. GRRRR."

I'm SOOOOOOOO with you on this, KKNY! I hate the friggin phones! Texting at the table, texting at bed time, texting at SIX FLAGS! Who needs to text at Six Flags??????? Isn't there enough excitement for a person without having to text?

Okay....I'm done hijacking.

I agree with Justmetoo and Sweeby. What are you going to do now that he's at the point you thought he would be?

    Bookmark   October 15, 2009 at 5:10PM
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mom2emall

What I would do is pay his portion and give him a warning that next time a bill that is in his name will not get paid if he is short money. Don't allow him to make you indirectly pay for the extras he is buying his daughter with.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2009 at 7:14PM
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sylviatexas1

"pay his portion and give him a warning that next time a bill that is in his name will not get paid if he is short money. Don't allow him to make you indirectly pay for the extras he is buying his daughter with."

but see, paying his portion *is* allowing him to make her "pay for the extras" (in quotes because I'd have said "mooch off you for now & evermore".)

This is the reality & the future with this guy.

too late to nip it in the bud, but nip it right now.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 12:16PM
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thermometer

What I would do is pay his portion and give him a warning that next time a bill that is in his name will not get paid if he is short money. Don't allow him to make you indirectly pay for the extras he is buying his daughter with.

I think that's a good idea with one exception. Don't wait until he is short money on a bill. Make him pay a bill next week when he gets another paycheck, a bill that you would normally pay or your portion of it. Otherwise, you will be allowing him to make you indirectly pay for his daughter's extras as SylviaTexas states. The bills have to get paid, but you don't have to keep putting up with him. Honestly, I don't understand why you are allowing this guy to use you like this. Apparently, he cannot afford to live alone on his own, so he found you to take up the slack, as well as compensate for his lack of money management. But I guess this is another case of "because I love him" and "he's a wonderful guy" when all the while he is being wonderful and loving to make sure you stick around. Did he ever pay back the money you loaned him? Or, did he spend that on his daughter also? Why do you stick with this guy? If you answer that question, would you please make it a better answer than "because I love him"? If that is your reason, then by all means stay there and continue being used, but at least have the good sense not to keep complaining about it and asking people to advise you since you won't take the advice.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2009 at 11:48AM
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