Is it wrong to be a Priority with a Partner who has a 3 yr old

Leah111October 12, 2012

This is a hard decision for me. I am dating a great guy with a 3 yr old. He has 60% custody with an odd parenting arrangement. He has her one full week Mon-Sund Morning and then Mon and Wed of the following week and his daughter is dropped off at 9 or 10 am on Saturday and picked up again Sunday morning at 10 or 11am. My children are 13 and 17 yrs old and I was a single mom for 4 years and we decided that my ex would be the sole parent for the next 4 years. It works for us. I spend time with my daughters very other weekend. SO, I have alot of time for myself, which has been new to me. I met this great guy 8 months ago. I am trying to be patient, but we only had one weekend together in those 8 months. We have never had a sleep over where I am not rushing out of his house or he mine because of his daughter being dropped off on Saturdays and picked up on Sundays (every weekend) we live close so I see him 3 or 4 times a week. On the Saturdays, that I dont have my girls, I spend time with him and his daughter (upon his request). I spend time with him on Sundays. I have spoke with him about how important it is to me to be able to go to dinner parties thrown by my friends with him as my date. All of these dinner parties are on Saturdays, but he does not want anyone to watch his daughter, so I go alone. I have asked him if he could change his arrangement to at least offer me 1 weekend a month so that we can sleep in together and bond...basically be a couple. I need it for bonding time. Our other time other than 2 Sundays a month are scarce because of his child custody. He refuses, and told me his daughter is #1 priority. I told him that until I can be AS a priority to him as his daughter is, I will have to make myself a priority...meaning, I will not be available for him and his daughter. I will use the time to spend time with my daughters and friends. Is this wrong? I want to be a priority to my partner. I was married for 20 years and my ex was addicted to gambling, so I was not a priority to him over his addiction and I remained to keep my family together until I found out he cheated. I need some advice.

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He's already told you the answe, & it's the "right" answer:
his daughter is his #1 priority.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2012 at 9:13PM
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I don't think prioritizing the needs of a 3-year-old is comparable to a gambling addiction.

One of the things that makes this guy so great is he has his head on straight and can be unselfish enough to put his daughter first.

It sounds as if each of you is at a very different point in life and in the child-rearing cycle. It might be best to look for a different partner whose children are older and whose goals are more in line with yours.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2012 at 9:36PM
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Find someone with no kids or grown kids. This guy is one of the rare ones that is truly putting his kid's needs in front of his...I like to think I have done the same thing. Lucky for me, my GF of 4+ years has a son and has the same opinion on things. Sure, our time together is less that we would like, but we make do.

To answer your question, it's not wrong to want to be his top priority....but you have no right to demand it from him. Trying to get him to spend less time with his little girl would be an awful thing to do. I applaud this guy for being the way he is.

Sylvia - we finally agree on something...amazing!

    Bookmark   October 13, 2012 at 12:59AM
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I do think it is great he is making his child a priority. But with that said I think most parents get a weekend evening to themselves sometimes. Does he just not have any family or close friends he trusts to watch his daughter?

It isn't unreasonable for you to want to be with someone who can make time for you and go places with you. Isn't part of being in a relationship so you have someone to spend time with and take to couple type events. Maybe this guy is just not what you are looking for. It might be time for you to move on.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 2:49PM
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