Grown Step Daughter treats me badly at family get togethers

LolaCRoseOctober 11, 2011

My husbands daughter treats me horrible at family gatherings. I have been married to my husband for eight years and have tried everything I know to do to make friends with this woman or at least have peace and to no avail. For years now we have had one of her children on Sunday afternoon. We all attend the same church so this is easy. She back bites me to the other church members and now is interrogating her kids to find out what horrible things I've told them when they visit.

The grand children have asked me questions about my husbands exwife for they don't really know her. I have told them to talk to there mom about these issues but when they said their mom thought I was the reason her parents broke up, I slipped and told the grand daughter that made the statement that they broke up because their grandmother was a lesbian, and this is a know fact. Apparently the kids had no clue and when my husband went and told his daughter, at my beheist, what had happened, I have since become the evil one. I hate family gatherings because of how she treats me and my husband says I'm wrong for not going because the gran kids and his mother love me. Anyone have any advice for me?

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Stop answering questions that had nothing to do with you for starters. Whatever happened in someone else's relationship is not your place to discuss with the grandkids. It does not matter why the marriage failed it is not something you discuss with them. Who cares if they think one way and you happen to know they think wrong. You should have switched the subject long before the 'slip' came rattling out. What happens/ed is up to the parents to discuss with their children when and if they decide the tidbits are any of the children's business. Politely telling grandkids to mind their own business and/or telling them the topic is something they need discuss with their parents is all you needed to say.

Nothing you say on your weekly visits should be anything that can not or should not be repeated when the kids get home. True, they should not be being grilled, but as you're now known to feel entitled to set topics straight (even if slipped) and/or allowed such topics to be discussed in the first place...well, you've left yourself wide open for the parents to protest and suspect.

All you can do now is be certain there will be no personal discussions of such nature again. The believed 'offense' has already occurred so now it will take time to rebuild the damaged relationship (if it can at all be repaired).

As far as the get-togethers, it really depends on what the adult children are doing. Are they saying bad things to you while there? Omitting you completely from the social talk? Glaring daggers at you? Just 'treating you badly' leaves plenty of room for about anything and/or everything my imagination can think up.

If the adults are truly deliberately making you uncomfortable and are truly misbehaving and going out of their way to make you totally unwelcome, that's more serious than say 'She did not say hello to me when I entered the room'. While you don't necessarily have to 'like' each other, as grown women you both should be able to tolerate each other for an occasional afternoon. If it's not so, excuse yourself and stay home. Just tell your husband you have no intentions of attending a family event where you are poorly treated and unwelcome. I would think he could also remind his daughter that when she visits someone else's home (like husband's mother's home or another relative and/or mutual friend)she too is a guest and should mind her manners out of respect for the host. I'd see no need though for you to be expected to visit the daughter's actual home if she does not want you there.

She must not think you are all that bad if she continues to use you as her babysitter every Sunday. She has not tried to ban the grandkids from you. Seems the lady thinks you're fine to babysit and be grandma, just not ok to discuss personal topics with her children while they are present. You can't stop her from wagging her tongue to other church members. Best you can do there is see to it you don't do anything that gives her reason to gossip. If you have a clear conscience than she has nothing to wag about but untrue gossip that your true friends in the church having known an asociated with you will know is untrue.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2011 at 8:35PM
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When you have kids in your home for two weeks at a time they say things but this was a spur of the moment thing when I said what I did. Since I was being accused of breaking up the marriage and that my husband was unfaithful to his ex, it did concern me. As for his daughter, she has treated me badly from the beginning. I am refusing to attend any more gatherings and since she was out right rude in my home I have cease to invite her. She lets up have the kids when they are in her way and then, according to her husband, grills them until they make up something to get her off them. I don't talk to the kids at all if I can help it for I hate for them to have to pay the price. As for church, she was raised in the church and the church knows about her mother. It is really hard to deal with this and I have considered leaving to get out of the mess. As for my husband telling his daughter anything, he won't. She holds the kids hostage from the Great grand mother also for stupid reasons.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2011 at 9:07PM
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Is there any way for you to not be home when the grandkids are there? If you barely talk to them, worry about what they are going to say when being grilled, etc. I would go shopping & let their grandpa, who is worried he'll be cut off from them, spend the day with them. Then they go home & say Lola wasn't home. No more questions, what else can they say? You just removed yourself from the equation & took the wind out of their sails.

As for what you said. It's done. Can't take it back & I can understand wanting to defend your DH's integrity. How old is the grand child that is trying to discuss the break up of her grandparents? That is just an odd conversation to have with a child. But, if grandma is a lesbian... and it's not a secret if the church knows... I don't know what a good answer is. Perhaps their mother should talk to them about what is an appropriate conversation and what is not.

If you have read any of my threads, one of my peeves is how I've been treated at family gatherings by my MIL. To make matters worse, I am the one that organizes & finances the party only to be treated poorly. My answer is to not have very many gatherings (went from 10-12 a year to 1-2). It is simple... remove yourself from the hoopla. Tell DH, sorry I am not treated as a welcomed guest so I think I will go see a movie, have fun. If you tell him how you feel but he does nothing to make it better for you, then you have no reason to feel guilty for not attending.

If you're DH isn't on the same page with you, then that is the problem more than his children. He married you, they didn't. They may never like you but he should at least expect them to treat you cordially. and vice versa.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 1:59AM
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If my father's wife told my children that my mother was a lesbian, I'd be spitting mad also. Sorry, but I'm not buying the 'slip of the tongue' excuse. Not One Little Bit. That's simply not the kind of information that 'slips' out to young children. You were angered and embarrassed by the grandchildren's question and retaliated with the verbal 'slap' against their mother and grandmother. Adolescent behavior. Mean girl stuff. And your explanation (more like justification) of your actions in your second post makes it clear you still don't accept responsibility.

Adult StepDaughter has a right to be mad. And if you're any kind of lady at all, you'll apologize to her with considerably more grace and sincerity than you've shown here, and eat crow for the next few months.

If you can't do that, then, yes, stay away from that gang and accept that they will speak ill of you.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 8:13AM
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I find it strange they asked 'Gma' and not Gpa what happened to his previous marriage if they were going to ask to begin with. If my kids/grandkids want to know something they actually ask the person that they want to know about.

In reality, a second wife aka 'Gma' would not have firsthand info of the events unless 1) 'Gma' was involved at time of break-up (does not speak well of 'Gma') or 2) 'Gma' could only repeat what had been told to her by the DH and therefore may not have all the details correct (not to mention had no business sharing repeated tidbts without permisson from Gpa).

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 8:49AM
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1. I did apologize to his daughter and meant it.
2. The child asking was 13 at the time and her gpa had explained this to her when she asked prior to the conversation.
3.I did have knowledge of what happened because I was told by my husband before we married and also by his son, who treats me great BTW. I would never marry a man I didn't know anything about. He also knew why my marriage split up and my kids would never treat him badly because they know they would be in hot water with me.
4. Not only did gpa give me permission but insisted I talk to the kids when they asked questions.
5. I think your vehement responses would not be so if the term Lesbian was not in this post. I didn't do any of this spitefully and thought I could get some helpful info here but I'm just being attacked so good day to all of you. May you find the same kind of help you offer.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 9:25AM
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Just stay cool and take the high road. Don't get baited into a discord. Time will heal.

Inside any child's mind is the desire to have their parents together, so they somehow will shift the blame or any blames to the 2nd marriage.

You apologized already so if your step daughter stil holds the grudges than that is her problem not yours.

You just have to learn your lesson and move on. You don't have to justify why you married your now H to anyone.

The only way to dissolve hatred is to use compassion and love. trust me, by showing nothing but love you will win in the end and have your own peace.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 3:49PM
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