Adult step-daughter won't leave!

kimster2563October 25, 2010

My husband and I have been married 2 years. He has 3 daughters, I have 2. My oldest daughter has been out of the house since before I married, my youngest daughter (19) moved out recently due to conflicts she and my husband had. When she moved out, my husband and I agreed that when any girl moved out, they would no longer get a key and would not be able to come back to live (in emergencies they could come back and stay for a limited time). My husband's oldest daughter (20) has been a problem for us as she has no respect for our house or the people in it. She recently moved to an apartment about an hour from home. I was ecstatic that she was moving out. The problem is, she comes home every Friday (sometimes Thursday)and stays until after supper on Sunday. She no longer has a room here so her stuff is spread throughout the house, she eats our food, comes home at 3:00 a.m., sleeps on any empty couch or bed, does her laundry, and I am so furious! Every weekend I dread being around the house. I feel resentful and irritated in the extreme. My husband is upset with me because I'm such a b***h about the whole thing and he can't see a problem. He has two other daughters (age 18 and 13), and they are good kids and I get along with them. This oldest daughter is just driving me insane! Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do - how to cope with this problem that I don't believe is going to go away.

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I had similar problem with SD22. She also came to dads house any time of day or night even though she had her own apartment and hour away, she never warned us that she is coming over. She slept everywhere she wanted including her own room that she had when she still lived at home, guest bedroom, our bedroom, couch, anywhere, made a mess, ate, brought friends, slept, made a mess.

She also packed up and took with her every visit whatever she liked of mine or her dads, space heater, fan, hair dryer, table lamp, my make up and body products, hair brushes, my exercise clothes, my bag, my suitcase, anything.

Her dad is often on business trips and it is terrifying if someone opens the door at 12AM. I don't know if it is her or burglars.

problem is solved for the time being because she lives out of state now but I dread that she might move back here. I don't dislike her but this coming and going and taking stuff is just very stressful.

She will be visiting for Christmas and I am already terrified of having to hide everything (she finds it anyway) and of dealing with messy house, her dirty underwear in our hamper and her coming and going in the middle of the night and sleeping on different beds (sheets have to be washed).
I have no advice for you, it is difficult. I feel for you...

    Bookmark   October 25, 2010 at 6:51PM
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I understand your frustration, kimster, but have you and your husband tried setting boundaries for this girl. I think it's natural for a child of that age (18-22) to come and go to the place they consider their "home". It may be because they have a lot of friends in the area and want to connect with them, or it may be because they need the comfort of a normal home life with regular meals and clean sheets. Whatever your SD's reasons for showing up whenever she pleases, she needs to be told that there are boundaries in your home and if she doesn't respect them, she won't be welcome. If her rude behavior persists, then it's time to change the locks and make sure she doesn't have a key.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2010 at 7:55AM
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There're 3 unreasonable & obnoxious things going on here, & 1 of them is downright scary.

Your house rules say that once a child moves out, that child has well & truly moved out.
However, the rule is being applied to only one. Yours.

You missed an opportunity to stand up to him when he ran your daughter off.
(Can you imagine how your daughter feels?)

Your husband ran *your* daughter off, & now you're taking a back seat to *his* daughter & whatever she dishes out, & your husband is mad at you for being unhappy about it *& he isn't backing you up, & he isn't listening to you, & he is not acting like a partner*.

The first thing an abuser does is isolate a victim from family & friends.
You no longer have your own daughter living with you, & you're under the control of this man & his daughter.

Your husband is the only one who can change things, & he's happy with everything but your "complaints".

Women believe words, & men believe actions.

If the situation is intolerable, you have to make it *his* problem rather than just objecting, no matter how well-founded your objections are.

I my own self would change the locks & file for divorce, but I don't know your financial situation.

If you cannot bring yourself to do that, you might just disengage-

no meals, no laundry, no cleaning, no keeping either of them company.

leave the house every week-end.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2010 at 3:14PM
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Sylvia said:

"no meals, no laundry, no cleaning, no keeping either of them company.

leave the house every week-end.

I wish you the best."

I agree with this. Find something else to do when she's there and let your husband deal with himself. Don't do things for her that could be considered "rewarding" her blatant disregard of your house rules.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2010 at 3:56PM
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Well, I vote change the locks and if your husband wants a key he agrees and.follows up on the rules with HIS kids too. Not just yours.

Oh, I know this routine so well! How times have changed for me. It took ten long years but Girl if hubs wants to be with me- its on my terms now.
And damn it feels GREAT! Call that locksmith!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2010 at 4:47AM
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I think sylviatexas is right. My question to you is, do you think your husband is abusive? What happened between him and your daughter? Is this typical behavior? Are you and your daughter on good terms right now? The story, as you tell it, sounds indeed like his daughter is getting preferential treatment and that's just not right. I know all about that one, honey.

    Bookmark   November 4, 2010 at 4:23PM
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Men sometimes overlook those little issues. If those bother much, esp. when they encroach on YOUR living spaces or the community spaces then you will need to express that to your huband. I put it not directly at his D but at all the messes that cause more stresses not for you but for the whole family.
Set boundaries where you can accept:
1. Put her stuff in a corner of her sister's room where they are out of sight.
2. She needs to sleep not on the family couch but in one of her sisters' rooom.
3. She can do laundry, but cannot leave the dryer or washer unattended while she is out partying.
4. You all make it too comfortable and easy for her to come back for the whole weekend. Start putting on uncomfortable restriction like, yes once in a while at 3am but not every week. Bad examples for the other sisters.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2010 at 9:36AM
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