Its not the dress

dotz_gwOctober 7, 2009

Dress thread has been brutal, and its dragging me back to a place, where I think, NOT that she ll ever admit it,KKNY is now...Its not easy to be divorced and then have your only child leave the nest for college...The hours between four and six, when you were helping with homework, and making dinner are empty..Cook, for what, for who? Share how was your day? Nobody there to share it with..I can well remember the despair, loneliness and pain of those days..Made a bunch of stupid mistakes, spent my days in a white hot rage, alienated some friends that just wanted to share what the kids in their households were up to, didnt they KNOW I missed MY kid and didnt want to hear about theirs?Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like.....No, it sure isnt, wasnt..You work your way out of the depression and move on , like every other life stage...I hate to think of posters taking this personally...I m not going to excuse KKNYs behavior, but I do understand it...I raged and slashed and burned at people who sure didnt deserve it, this just may be whats going on here...

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Heah, my kid came home last weekend and is coming home this weekend. And guess what, I love a clean house.

    Bookmark   October 7, 2009 at 5:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

My kid came home some weekends too, and I m the clean queen, song remains the same....You WILL not admit it....Can you at least entertain the notion that is why you are misbehaving today??????

    Bookmark   October 7, 2009 at 6:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sweeby

Well I'll admit it -- I miss my kid! And he'd just 'recovered' from being a teenager and started talking and thinking again...

But (can I brag here?) he just called me today with his mid-term grades -- 105 in Chemistry and first in the whole college in Biology! Amazing what Concerta and maturity can do. ;-)

But I still miss him...

    Bookmark   October 7, 2009 at 6:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

LOL Nothing wrong with admitting you miss them!!!Heck, I love a clean house, but I would have let mine paint ball the living room if it meant having him home with me!!! Since the college , college, max out Dad for CS kept coming up on the Dress thread, I m almost afraid to tell you KKNY , went to Atty today to have CS and college STOPPED today..Lets spar, I can be your outlet :)

    Bookmark   October 7, 2009 at 6:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
silversword

Why did you have CS and College stopped Dotz?

Congratulations Sweeby!!!! You must be one PROUD MAMA!!!

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 9:55AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Silver, DH is sick...The day came that I have been dreading, Dhs Dr ordered him to stop working..Went to atty for CS college mod..DH will not have any income for maybe 6 months to a year...They may revisit mod when SS is approved...But for now its like 12.00 a week... Standing down for fallout from BM....

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 10:14AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Dotz, I am sorry to hear about your husband. Just so I understand, are you trying to have the CS your husband pays stopped or the support you receive stopped. Given your current husband is ill, it seems somewhat precarious to have what you (on behalf of your son) stopped.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 10:20AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

KKNY, My DH is sick, not my Ex..He is stopping CS/College for his son, my Stepson...

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 10:23AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Ok, this all makes more sense. Again, I am sorry your dh is sick.

My X and I started saving for college from the day D was born. If he were to get sick (well, either of us) we both have long term disability insurance, in addition to life insurance (both required under terms of divorce/CS).

But this does point out to others the need to save for college, and make arrangements ahead of time. So if Dads Xwife had not been maximizing CS while the son was younger, he might not be facing dire straights now. But it seems your primary focus is on your Xs being upset.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 10:31AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
silversword

Oh Dotz, I'm sorry your DH is sick. I hope this is something that will get progressively better. It may be hard on your SS financially, but even Warren Buffet says to prepare for retirement and have children take care of educational expenses if it's a one-or-the-other situation. Children have their entire lives to pay back college expenses, and parents can always help more if it's possible. I wish you and yours the best.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 10:31AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sweeby

I'm so sorry about your husband Dotz -- I hope he recovers quickly.
And Silver is absolutely right about the education versus retirement issue.

(And thanks Silver - I AM proud of him!)

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 12:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
shannon2356

Dotz, I am really sorry to hear about your DH. I hope things get better, I am keeping you in my thoughts...!!

Silver, there are lots of people who think the same way, that retirement comes first if you can't afford both.

http://genxfinance.com/2009/09/15/paying-for-college-or-saving-for-retirement-the-generation-x-balancing-act/

Sweeby, that is one smart cookie you have there, congratulations!!

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 12:19PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

to all for kind thoughts and good wishes...No, unfortunately DHs condition will not improve, he will never return to work...A transplant is the only thing to improve or give him a shot, but thats unlikely...KKNY, My first concern is DH and his health...DHs Ex will more than likely cause him undo stress he doesnt need now...He did prepare for SS education...He s a teenager and has an account that earned 7,000.00 in interest last year, but Ex doesnt want to SPEND that money, she wants DH to pay for college and leave THAT money alone...WHY????It was for COLLEGE..In court, DH found out she hid over 50,000.00 in marital assets, and he didnt try to re coup it...That alone should be enough to get by until his Soc Security and pension kick in and I m sure the court will up the amount for support...And I guess if the family was still intact and this crisis happened, she could, I dunno, Get a JOB, like I would to help out...I will support DH for the time being until his disabilty is approved..When DH was off for 7 months I worked and CS got paid....I m just saying in my case, BM is going to go ballistic...She wants her PAYDAY, regardless of DH s health....

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 1:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
quirk

dotz, so sorry to hear your DH is no longer well enough to work. Are your SSs now starting to understand the seriousness of his health?

(although at that age, or maybe even at any age, i guess it still might be easier to keep your head in the sand about a loved one's ill health)

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 9:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Hey Quirk, Thanks for asking, he actually was having a guilty fit, said he wanted to tell SS in person which he did this afternoon..SS said BM has gotten some notification of the CS mod, but he did seem concerned about DHs health, GLAD about THAT, not just poor BM, what are WE going to do.... SS number 2, I think he ll just worry about how this will affect his mom, not worry about DH, he s all about the money... And as for me, OMG, running out of Arbor Mist , and I sneaked one of DHs pain pills to just be able to sleep one night and stop worrying about this...Its not about money, Damn these kids, your father is SICK, he may not be here when you need $$$$$$. Oh PS Tommorrow is DH birthday, but no card with SS whom he so kindly told you in person, I cant work anymore, I am so sorry if I am letting you down.. I am so angry, tommorow on DH birthday, we re going for an epidural..SS s will not call... I m gonna have to move to Steptalk...Where raging is allowed..Sorry, I m sure because of the wine, makes no sense,but I m about 2 inches from a nervous breakdown,but sincerely Quirk, thank you for asking, and I hope your DH is feeling well and continues to....

    Bookmark   October 10, 2009 at 12:07AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
quirk

That's really a shame. It must be heartbreaking for your DH to have his sons more concerned about money than about their father's health-- and for you too.

((hugs))

    Bookmark   October 11, 2009 at 7:07PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Hi Quirk, Yes, I think these two have been indoctrinated by BM to think money is the end all , be all..I wonder if they will realize in the future how meaningless it is compared to the love of a caring father..I can only hope..Thanks again Dotz

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 1:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Dotz, it cuts both ways. If I were seriously sick my first thoughts would be as to how DD manages. Aparently some of you and DHs were gettin college payments stopped. Again, I am very sorry your DH is ill.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 2:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
silversword

People can succeed without their parents paying for their college education. That's privilege, not a God-given right. Any "adult/child" who is thinking "what about meeeeeeee?" when their parent is ill and cannot continue to fund their post-high school education doesn't have their priorities in the right order.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 2:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

You missed the part where I said a COLLEGE fund is INTACT and BM has control of it...Pays 7,000 yearly in interest, so I m sure if if lil Mr. 2.5 wants to go to Harvard, he can....The problem is, BM doesnt want to spend it for the purpose it was INTENDED..Kid is almost done with CS, and Ms Grasshopper didnt squirrel away for the winter(NO job last ten years, lived off CS and now has to share with jobless live in hobo)So, the train having left the station so to speak, she s broke and has no way to live...This will be in court, so if the judge allows her to keep what my DH has saved for college for 18 years and decides to let her keep it for, oh lets say SONS retirement,I will be speechless.....

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 2:46PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Dotz, you right, I missed that. So I am confused as to why you said earlier that "Went to atty for CS college mod.." If DH was able to accumulate and save so much, sounds like he earned an awful lot.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 2:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Believe or not, BM had son call DH right before college started this fall and asked him to PAY for Full college, ignoring the fact money already there, Doubling dipping, less for DH to spend on me I m guessing, lets get all we can :)There was no court ordered college, was for first SS(fully funded by my DH).So DH told him he would pay one third, so as not to empty his account, which I thought was MORE than generous..He s not obligated to give him ANY college money..Now that he s not working, he has to stop giving him a third..I dont know if he will resume once disabilty starts coming in...And finacially, he does OOPPS DID OK...

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 3:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

I am still confused, mom has control of the account, no court ordered college. So what is this account? Part of seperation of maritial property?

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 3:16PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

SSs name, with BM listed as custdian.Not marital property. Other SS had same account, just as large, he left over homeless bum coming into the home and fought bitterly to get her to turn his acct over to him, she did...DH WAS court ordered to pay his college in decree, so older SS got to keep the whole shebang...Oh this is the SS who no longer speaks to DH because DH wouldnt pay for half his wedding(even tho he had this money, a great job, a working fiance and her wealthy father who paid for half wedding supposedly, I believe he paid for the WHOLE wedding, as this was his only daughter) DH ONLY gave him around 5,000.00,as he had no check for the previous 7 months, apparently this fact was of NO concern to SS....

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 3:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
silversword

Dotz, I think what KK is getting at is why did you have to talk to an atty about stopping payments if not court ordered to begin with.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 3:42PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

I am posting a confused mess of a story here Silver, BM is a right fighter. Example. She once spent 800.00 on her atty to get 400.00 from DH and have him held in contempt. Judge never signed an order garnishing an extra ten dollars a week out of DHs check, piled up for a few months he wasnt aware of it until contempt order.Have been to court about 15 times, we actually check the docket weekly to see if we re on it..So, since DH made an oral promise to pay one third of college (to son), we feel she will drag him to court and fight to get it if he stops paying, which he will have to now . I really dont know where law will go with this, but correct no order, unless she can get one on the oral promise?

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 4:08PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
silversword

That makes sense Dotz. I don't think the oral promise will hold up in court, especially if he made it to the son rather than to the exwife.

Best of luck either way. It sounds like you've had a bumpy road with this one.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 4:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

I am still confused. Dad promised to pay for college. Dad was court ordered to pay older SS. Dad now doesnt want to/is ill. I am still confused what this "college" account is all about. I suspect more than one side to this.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 4:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Dotz, let me ask, because this really doesnt make sense to me. Mom is custodian -- was this account established by maternal grandparents?

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 4:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

try to make it clearer...Son 1 born, Mom and dad open account.For COLLEGE..Mom never worked, dad made all contributions, although I m sure gifts from family, both sides, were added into acct as the years went by(common, did for my DS too)Son 2 born, same type of acct set up for baby...Mom custodian because just easier for her to make deposits( I did this also for my DS)Divorced Son 1 Jr year high school, Judge orders college for Son1, my understanding is college will not be ordered for grammar school aged child until high school, to see if ability, interest is there.Another appearance in court to get order of mod...NOW, WHY DH atty did not say Hold the phone, why am I ordered to pay college when its already in the bank?Knowing DH, he agreed because he felt he just wanted to get divorce over, he wanted to feel he was doing something over and above out of guilt for not being there to raise them, or a really bad lawyer? I know BM wanted (wants ) to get every last nickle out of him, especially since I came along a few years later..Oldest has actually said to my face, mom says you are going to take all of OUR money and not letus come to dads funeral!!!!! This was a very healthy(as far as I knew) man in his forties...Its was(IS ) chilling.....

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 5:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
silversword

can't squeeze blood from a stone...

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 9:09PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Can I handle becoming a stepmom one day?
I just turned 36 earlier this month. My boyfriend and...
Foxycf
Trying to figure out how to be a good adult stepdaughter...
My mother died eight years ago, and my dad remarried...
LindaLou22
New- Really need help..
Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same...
runrun2
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
anarana
Marrying Widower with Adult Children
Somebody help me, please! I am about to marry a widower...
sweet3643
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™