Shaking my head

lovehadleyOctober 31, 2010

DH has been trying hard to keep BM from using SS as pathway excuse to get on the phone with him.

Thanks for all your suggestions---DH did the "stepping into another rooom after taking the phone from SS, hanging up and turning off the ringer thing the other night."

BM sent a couple pissy texts but seemed to get the hint.

Until this morning. She called to talk to SS and then a few minutes later, "Daaaad! Mom has an emergency, she needs to talk to you."

Good grief.

DH took the phone and was very short.


"I don't remember."

"No I have no way of getting it. Bye."

I asked him later what it was about, and he said BM has a "toothache" (probably true, she seems to be prone to them, probably from smoking) and apparently last year he referred her to a dentist---the father of a business partner of his. (whom he no longer works with.)

Then he proceeds to tell me, "I wouldn't have given her the ## again, anyway, because last year she never paid her bill and I ended paying it."

Ladies--I about flew through the roof. Okay, I didn't. I bit my tongue HARD because my therapist maintains I need to SIT with things and not make a bad sitation worse until I get myself in a good place.

But GEEEEZ. DH (which means WE) paid BM's dentist bill?????? FOR REAL?

Come on. I am so mad!

Just had to vent!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, look at it like this. He probably didn't want the oustanding bill affect a professional relationship. I'm sure he was kicking himself for even trying to help her and getting burned once again.
Think you should let this one. Go.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2010 at 5:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No--he wasn't kicking himself. Unfortunately. He does it over and over, no matter how she behaves or what she does. Sigh.

But you are right about the professional relationship being the reason for paying the bill.

I did let it go---I mean, I vented on here, but I didn't say anything to him about it because it's not worth the fight or stress.

Sigh. It's just one more *lie* (or omission, which IMO is the same thing) about stuff he's done regarding BM, even after all the crap she has pulled.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2010 at 5:41PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wow! I would need my tongue REATTACHED!!!

I can understand he paid the bill because he referred her & it was someone he knew... but then I would have promptly deducted it from her child support payment! What is wrong with that man???? I'm sorry! I feel so bad for your situation because other than this horrible dysfunction he has with her, he does seem like a hardworking, decent guy.

What does HIS therapist say? Is he in therapy, getting advice & trying to change this dynamic? If not, then I'd have a huge problem that HE creates this problem and YOU are trying to deal with it in therapy... even if the therapy is to deal with your own issues. He should also be dealing with his.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2010 at 5:43PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I totally understand your frustration. My D H does the same stuff with his one son to the point of financial ruin. I refuse to even discuss it or have anything to do with the "bailout" situatio anymore . And this weekend was another prime example. DH needed his sons help with some heavy physical work. SE had to go hunting instead dontcha know.

Your DHs ex is the same way, a user. But, both our DHs refuse to change the relationship. I'll never understand it, but at least now I don't have to deal with it daily. Yea, I'd be pissed in your position, for certain. I'm sure that I dealt with things unconventionaly, but its allowed me to control the way I live, keep my marriage and most importantly detach from the enabling thing between DH and his son.

Hugs, I think of you often.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2010 at 11:56PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think that the ex-husband should pay for his ex-wife's dental work. After all, she is the mother of his child....

Ok... had to do it... it is HALLOWEEN after all!

I'm sorry Love... I'd be IRRITATED TOO:)

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 12:14AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'd be furious! But then again, DH did not give her the number again. Love, I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if he had, and then looked all puzzled at your anger and said "But she promised that this time she'd pay it." See - he is making steps in the right direction!

I like how she thinks that her toothache is an emergency that should involve DH in any way, shape or form.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 9:01AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I like how she thinks that her toothache is an emergency that should involve DH in any way, shape or form."

I know, it's so ludicrous. See, that is the problem with BM and other parents like her. DH can tell her until he is blue in the face that ALL communication between them needs to pertain to SS and SS alone.

But then BM will *make everything* be about SS somehow. Like yesterday and the toothache. It was our 5 day period with SS, and he should have been with us through Monday morning. BUT per the parenting plan, BM got SS for Halloween this year, so DH was taking him to her house at 4 pm yesterday. I'm sure somehow in BM's warped mind, the fact that she had a toothache was going to affect SS because she was not feeling well.

And that's how she justified trying to get the name/number of the dentist.

What's loco is the woman has STATE INSURANCE that, I'm SURE, will pay for a dentist. I don't know what the deal was yesterday, if she was trying to find someone who would see her on an emergency basis or what. Who knows.

I agree, Ima, in all other aspects, DH IS a decent man---which makes it all the more frustrating why he is the way he is with BM and that sick relationship.

BUT ditto Mattie. He is trying, he's working to set boundaries, at least more so than in the past.

He jut commenced his own therapy and the woman he is seeing is a stepfamily-oriented counselor with a solid reputation. I am hopeful she will be really positive for him.

I haven't pressed him for too many details because he is antsy about therapy and I want him to get comfortable and not feel pressured or anything.

I do know that when he recounted the details--the things BM has done, ie false child abuse allegations, drinking, assaulting me, verbally harrassing me, him, putting SS in the middle---the counselor said, "This is a serious situation that requires serious action."

I think hearing an objctive person tell him that this stuff is NOT NORMAL really made an impression.

He told her, too, that he feels torn because his wife (me) wants him to stand up to BM, stand up for our marriage and family, and HE just wants to keep the peace. (He admitted it, ladies! HAAAAA.)

The counselor replied, "Well, guess what? I'm going to teach you how to do BOTH."


    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 9:29AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I like this counselor! She sounds like a no-nonsense kind of woman.

"I'm sure somehow in BM's warped mind, the fact that she had a toothache was going to affect SS because she was not feeling well."

That's the thing, I think some people really, honestly believe that whatever is going on in their lives must always be of the greatest importance to everyone else.

BM called DH last week. He was hesitant to even answer (he also dislikes conflict) but did; apparently she just wanted to complain about problems in her life that in only the most tenuous way could relate to DH or SS. DH was relieved that she hadn't called to start anything with him, but was left shaking his head and wondering why on earth she felt it was appropriate to call him for a chat. And no, she didn't ask to speak to SS; apparently the sole purpose of her call was just to vent about her personal life to DH. Bizarre.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 10:36AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

How wonderful Love! I'm sure that would make such a big difference in your life if he were able to maintain both relationships in a way that does not cause harm to you and SS.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 11:54AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"And no, she didn't ask to speak to SS; apparently the sole purpose of her call was just to vent about her personal life to DH. Bizarre."

That is exactly, to a tee, how BM is with DH. She tells him everything,from her own marital problems to her IUD issues, to her parents' marital problems to the guy her sister is dating. It is insane.

My issue is DH, though, who for YEARS, and YEARS would take her calls and be her freaking friend.

He's just NOW getting the point that years of this codependant relationship has almost broken up our marriage.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 11:56AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I know it's probably little consolation but at least he's getting the point now. I hope it's not too little, too late.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 12:19PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks Silver. :)

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 12:43PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

wtf? excuse my language. she went to the dentist she was referred to and didn't pay the bill, and he ended up paying her bill? he probably did it to maintain good relationship with the guy but how convenient for her. it is ridiculous.

and she said "it is emergency", toothache is not an emergency. it is not like SS has toothache. isn't BM married, why not asking her own DH? nuts, just nuts, I feel for you Lovehadley

    Bookmark   November 1, 2010 at 6:19PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Love, I think part of your DH's problem may be that it's not easy for some people to be intentionally "rude", if they are naturally inclined to be courteous. Most of us have had a nosy neighbor, co-worker or in-law at some point; the ones who ask way too personal questions and pry into our lives, and they can be very hard to deal with; you're trying not to be flat-out rude but they just keep steamrolling on through a conversation/inquisition. Sometimes you can just avoid them - but your DH can't completely ignore and avoid BM.

Hopefully his counselor can give him some tips on ending conversations with BM in a way that makes him feel OK (non-confrontational and not overtly rude) but shuts it down.

OT, one of mine that I learned from a co-worker is if someone keeps asking inappropriate questions ("Are you trying to get pregnant? How much money do you make?") to just look at them and calmly, curiously ask "Why do you want to know?" 90% of the time they don't have the cajones to admit that they want to know because they're a nosy snoop, and they start hemming and hawing and drop it. :-)

    Bookmark   November 2, 2010 at 9:26AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
Step Son Help
Hi, Im Rowdy and have been married for 11 years now....
His ex controls the situation through the kids
I have been dating my BF for over 3 years now and his...
How to Prevent Adult Children Living with You
If you and your spouse are of retirement age, move...
husband has new found 21 year old daughter
I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat...
Sponsored Products
39" Acqua Textured Bronze Dual Head Rotational Ceiling Fan
Lamps Plus
Gooseneck Clawfoot Tub Shower Conversion Kit
Signature Hardware
Trac-Master TM115 Conix T6/T4.5 G12 Metal Halide Track Head
LBC Lighting
Artecnica Phrena Pendant Light
Tizio Micro Desk Lamp
Visco Gel Memory Foam Pillow
Jonathan Adler | Meurice Task Floor Lamp
$484.00 | YLighting
4-Port Square Canopy by Tech-Tiella Lighting
$160.00 | Lumens
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™