What do I do?

vyt1980October 9, 2011

Hello. This is my first post. I am a bio-mom to a 14 year old girl. 2 years ago she met her father after not seeing him since she was 4 years old. He gets her EOW. Now, i had explained they way we do things at our house becuase of our religon. IE: the women/girls don't wear pants, make-up, jewelry, or cut our hair. We dont have a tv. ( please don't judge me) I also don't want to dictate how he and his wife runs his household. Their house..their rules. I can't control that. Im ok with that. I started having issues with my daughter , sexually. She would seem VERY interseted in boy and sex and the age of 12/13. I had caught her looking up sexual things on the internet IE; strip danicing, how to kiss etc. We only listen to christian music and she was sneaking around listening to music that has alot of sexual messages. When she started seeing her dad again things got sooooo much worse. They let her do all the things we dont allow at our house. Wear pants, jewelry...watch whatever she wants on tv and whatever music she wants. Her lying hasnt also gotten really bold! IE: I notice that she has been lightening her hair , it is CLEARLY noticeable, She had long hair to her waist, then all of a sudden it's cut short. I look at her and ask why? She says I havent done anything to my hair. She is caught wearing eye makeup and i ask her about it she looks me in the face and says I don't have anything on my eyes. Things like that. I know alot of this seems typical rebellion for a teenager....but here is where i am getting disturbed:

1. Her bio dad has an older daughter 17, doesnt live with him, she has been trying to be and do everything she does/is. Cuts her hair like hers, like all the same guys..older guys.. tries to talk to them on facebok(which she isnt allowed to have but keeps getting an acct anyways after I keep deleting it)

2. On this facebook account she is posting lies IE: she post on her facebook tha she was skateboarding (which doesnt doesnt even have) and was thinking about her bf breaking up with her and fell and broke her foot.Total LIE. then 2 days later post the the dr. was lying about the broken foot to get money and in that post she uses f words. She has never broken her foot. That disturbes why she would make things up like that. Also she sees a pic of her sister and a guy laying in the grass, she asks her sister if "luke dyed his hair" she says no why?...my daughter then says oh wow, i had a dream of you and luke laying in the grass together but he had brown hair.

3. Since checking out her facebook page i find that she is having cyber sex with guys. Sending naked pics of herslef to them. Adding guys she doesnt even know on her page, ppl from other states. Starting or in some cases TRYING to start sexual convos with guys she just met. Referring to her self as a Fng b****, says she loves to date a different guy a week. Tells strangers ( young guys her age) that she " screwed herself with a sharpie marker". She has also set up facebook accounts posing to be someone else and acting wild. She has just totally wild!!!!!

I have tried to talk to her father about some things that they ler her do at his house that I feel may have some influenece on her behavior, like watching r rated movies. listening to risque music etc.. They just says ok, but them let her do it anyway b/c they do. They are big into tattoo/ motorcycle horror films, and so I understand why they dont see on views on such. But I just dont know what to do about it all. I have made an appt. for a therapist but im afraid of medicating her b/c of the side effects and such and I have a 4 year old DD and a son due in Jan 2012. Also. when she started seeing her dad again, I and her stepmom both feel she looks to her dad as a boyfriend type and not a father. She hangs on him, sits in his lap tries to get close to his face and breathes heavly, physically gets in between him and his wife. Shows jealously of her stepmom and sister whose 17. When ever i ask her about her behavior she always says I dunno. But shoes no remorse whatsoever. Im afraid she is gonna get more worse and turn into a sexual predador or something.

Please help!

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First off, I'll have to say that my child-rearing practices are very different from yours, but I'm sure we both have a similar goal in mind -- to raise good, ethical, moral, healthy children. And I'll say that I admire your dedication to your goal, even while I may disagree with some of your methods.

Clearly your daughter is rebelling. It's a very normal response for teens, and often - for some teens in particular -- the more restrictive their family backgrounds, the MORE they will rebel against it. You've heard the one about preacher's daughters being the MOST wild?...

So I do feel that the more you try to rein her in, the harder she will pull against your limits. The fact that she now sees her dad and his household, and that they and his older daughter have become such an influence for her -- well, that just makes your job harder. I'd go so far as to suggest it makes it pretty much impossible.

My suggestion would be that you loosen up on the controls. Do not abandon your values -- In fact, your values are what you need to emphasize. But loosen up on the specific behavior controls, because you will no longer be able to enforce them. She has cut her hair and worn makeup, and while you are clearly disappointed, the world hasn't ended. She has seen R rated movies and sent racy text messages to boys, and so far, the world hasn't ended for her. Though if she doesn't temper her behavior, it rapidly could. (Sending naked pictures can legally be considered distributing child pornography. Kids have been prosecuted for that!)

You want her to dress modestly and conservatively? Insist on that, while compromising a bit on the specifics. (No fancy hair-styles, just a simple cut. Very light make-up when she gets into high school or turns 16. Allow pants, but not low-rise jeans.) That way, though you'd have to compromise, you might still achieve your main objective of keeping her modest (relatively) and safe.

Her curiosity about boys and sex is also very normal. And while I imagine it's alarming to you, it's something you need to discuss with her. Share your views on the importance of the sexual decisions she makes -- everything from suggestive texting to racy photos to making out to having sex. Discuss with her what your values are and why. But also acknowledge that the decisions she makes will be her own, and that all of those decisions have consequences. I'd also suggest that you ask her father to make sure she gets on birth control -- either himself or stepmom. (Assuming you would not be willing to do that yourself.) The consequences of an early pregnancy would be devastating for you both, and simply lacking birth control won't prevent her from having sex if that's what she decides to do.

Imagining myself in your daughter's shoes -- I imagine she feels stigmatized and isolated by your strong religious views. If the other girls her age dress and act differently, she may even be being bullied or ridiculed at school because of her dress. That's a really hard thing for a girl that age to live with -- especially when it's not her choice, but yours.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2011 at 7:10PM
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I totally agree with sweeby. I understand your views with your religeon and why you don't wear pants/makeup... but at this point with your daughter she needs to decide on that stuff herself. I grew up in a VERY strict area with MOSTLY a certain religeon. Kinda like what yours sounds like. Instead of wedding rings, they give watches. Skirts, no makeup, no sports, etc. They allow their kids to decide when they will become members. Most of them don't become members until they have graduated high school. I'd say mostly because they want to play sports, but the girls wear pants and such, cut their hair, etc before joining the church. They wear their long skirts and stuff to church but not to school. After they join I think they get more strict. It seems to really work best for them. The ones that joined too early sometimes leave.

You do need to explain the sexting thing to her though, she could really get in trouble with that. Dad needs to help with that. You should document your conversations regarding these things with dad. That way if she gets in trouble you have documentation.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   October 9, 2011 at 7:34PM
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The face book postings are not right. Where is she using a computer? Must be at your house also. Do not let her have a facebook account bottom line block face book. keep her totally off that site if she is posting nude pictures of her self.
They have computer programs that allow you to block access to certain sites.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2011 at 11:40PM
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It's tough for you because you have a younger DD as well. I agree that loosing up on some of the specifics (dress, hair, makeup) might be best - but how to do so when you had DD4 in the house as well? Maybe if DD14 wants to act like an adult then treat her like one. Sit her down and explain that you don't want DD4 exposed to those influences and what are DD14's plans to prevent that? Explain that you and she can perhaps agree on some compromises in clothing and hair.

My mom says she followed her mother's example of "How to raise teenage girls" and said nothing when I went through my ghastly makeup and horrible hair phase. It didn't last long. No one in my family seemed to be upset by it, and it was no fun spending hours each day doing nails, hair, makeup while the rest of the family did something more enjoyable, LOL!

    Bookmark   October 10, 2011 at 9:40AM
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