My first post. I could use some advice.

caitbOctober 9, 2010

So glad I found this website!! I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He's 31 and I'm 24, he has two kids from a previous marriage, a daughter who is 10 and a son who is 6. I also have two little girls 2 and 3. I never thought I would be dating a divorcee or someone who already kids but he is absolutely without a doubt the man I want to be with. We both made mistakes, we both married young. His was because she was pregnant, mine was because we were dumb and 'in love'. His wife cheated on him twice and he did everything to hold that family together. He worked multiple jobs, got them into counseling, he tried. She did little to nothing except worry about herself. She met and married someone within a year. She then took for Hawaii with his kids. They made agreements but she never stuck to them. She would always guilt him into things and he would fold. I do partially blame him because she has now gotten used to this and still thinks she can get her way. I could deal with her but when his kids come over they are horrendous. I think it's because he see's them for such short times he feels he can't discipline them (he tells me he feels like a glorified babysitter). His daughter is the worst, she is spoiled and ungrateful and rude. They were at my daughter's 3rd birthday and I went out of my way to make her feel special but all she did was pout the entire time. I am embarrassed to be seen with them in public because of the way they act, she is also using phrases and asking questions I wasn't asking until I was 15 or older. I do chalk some of that up to times have changed but when I ask her to stop or tell her it's inappropriate she never listens. They way he is with my children versus his kids is night and day. He is amazing with my girls, the kind of dad they deserve and need. He will discipline (usually just the big things) but with them he isn't afraid. With his kids he is afraid to parent. I don't want my kids or myself to resent the difference in parenting. Sorry this is so long, I have had a lot on my mind for a long time. How do I deal with this? She's already 10 and I feel the damage is done, she is going to be as classless and manipulative as her mother. My bf and I were also talking about moving to another state, (his kids are back in the state but because her new DH is military they are more than likely going to move again this year) we were also talking about having a small beach wedding after we move. If we do the small beach wedding do his kids need to be there or in it? Logistically speaking I don't even know who would watch them, he only would have friends coming, not family and my family isn't overly impressed with his kids and I wouldn't ask them to take on two more children. Again sorry so long. I just rally needed to vent. I feel so bad about how I feel and try and keep it to myself so I really needed this. :)

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Cait, if you're not willing to have his children treated as your own, you shouldn't be marrying him. Not for his sake, not for the kid's sake, and not for your sake. Good luck...

    Bookmark   October 9, 2010 at 6:24PM
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unfortunately since dad does not see them much he hasn't much influence on them, too bad. Could that change?

My ex actually told me once when i asked me to discuss something with DD:
"I only see her on the weekends so i don't want to do unpleasant stuff with her" so just because i see her during the week i should always discuss unpleasant things with her? Not very fair. Guilty parenting you know. I don't know what to advice. he needs to see his children on a regular basis and play bigger role in their lives. I hope it gets better.

Yes they should attend the wedding if your kids are attending.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2010 at 10:11PM
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Living together when children are involved is not a good idea on many levels. You are sexualizing children and it's no wonder they act up.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2010 at 5:02PM
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I have to agree. Knowing each other for just a year and already living together and marrying, is just way too fast when young children are involved.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2010 at 4:02PM
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The issue with the kids will only get worse unless your BF does something about it. Your marriage will not last unless he does...

    Bookmark   October 20, 2010 at 8:07PM
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We don't live together. I said we've been together, as in dating, for a year. We won't be living together until there is a ring on my finger.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2010 at 4:45PM
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There is nothing you can do about how his ex is raising her kids & if they are rude, manipulative, inappropriate... and dad won't correct them on his time, then you'll have to get used to that. Some of that will rub off on your kids when the older kids visit. I'm not sure kids will resent that the parent disciplines them... kids WANT structure, routines, & discipline. They need limitations. His kids are more likely to resent him for NOT giving them that.

But, the bottom line is you have a preview of what kind of father he is. He may be wonderful with your kids now, but they are not his kids. Watch how he deals with his own kids because that says more about him. Well, in fact it says a lot that he is more of a parent to someone else's kids than his own. I know my custodial SD sees her mom being more of a mom to her boyfriends kids & that hurts her a lot. For a long time, SD was protective of her BM but now she seems to be retaliating. She is rude, disrespectful at her mom's house. At our house, she is more self destructive... failing school, getting in trouble for bad behavior, etc. It doesn't surprise me if your BF's kids act up at his house, he isn't being the parent they want.

His kids will always be his kids & they will be around for a long time... teen years are coming. Then there are young adult years.. paying for college, needing money for cars or housing... emergencies. They will visit, maybe bring kids with them. There will be holidays, graduations, weddings, grandkids being born. You may not like the way his kids are but he is their father & will be involved in all those things. I'm 41 & my parents have been divorced for 27 years and still dealing with each other because they have kids, grandkids & now great grandkids.

Before you marry him, imagine what it will be like when you're in your 30's and his kids are teens that decide they want to live with dad. What about when they are young adults asking for help to get out on their own. Imagine what it will be like when you're in your 40's or 50's and they want to move in with their own kids following a divorce. Marriage is a commitment for life... til death do you part.

My husband admits he never thought of what it would/could be like when we married 4 years ago. We are now raising my 23 yr old son's child because my son married a woman that isn't interested in being a mom & he joined the Army to support his new 'family'. I'm having to deal with his 11 yr old daughter that is flunking out of school, lies, is manipulative & she steals things from everyone. She has emotional problems due to stuff her mom does to her & has been boy crazy since she was 5... her mom buys her sexy underwear & padded bra's... thinks it's cute. We get to decide when to put her on birth control. Lots of stuff we didn't plan on happening...

    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 9:05AM
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I think you are being very unfair, you want this new guy to support your children financially while their father will stop paying child support, yet you are not willing to treat his children nicely. You want your kids at the wedding but not his. It is not very kind.

I think his children behave poorly because they see what is going on and are upset. Their dad treats someone else's children better than them. and is playing house (you might not live together but you sure let kids know what type of relationship you have) after only a year. These kids are confused, now wonder they misbehave.

You are only 24 but already out of one marriage and are rushing into another one, i would slow down.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 5:57PM
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