My boyfriend and his baggage

FoolishAgainOctober 24, 2013

First understand we are both divorced, I am 40 he is 52. He's been divorced for 3 years we been dating off and on for two years. I say off and on because he was struggling with dating and still cleaning up his baggage. The last time we were off and before being on again, I told him to call when he got everything taking care of because I am far too simple to deal with the back and forth from him. Simply put I love him and want him to be happy, and hopefully its with me.

I am writing this post for feedback, because I simply just don't understand it. They have a divorce decree the clearly states they have to sell the land they own, pay off the house they own (which she gets to keep with everything in it), and split the profit. She has denied any offer to buy the land, it's been 3 years of this with her, and I told him it's her only way of holding on to him. (He claims no she just wants more money for it.) I said you either need to just sell it and file contempt charges if she refuses to sign the paper to close the deal or stop paying. Of course he doesn't want to destroy his credit. I know if I walk away this time, its for good. I am not sure if I am being impatient or not understanding enough. But this is the problem...the holidays are coming and he is limiting introducing me to his family because he doesn't want her to find out and have it cause even more friction with selling the property. I know I should not have gotten involved again but I thought their stuff was settled.

This post was edited by FoolishAgain on Thu, Oct 24, 13 at 16:48

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You don't mention if he has kids with her or not? I suspect based on the age, he does. That may be a big factor with him "tolerating" so much from her, I know it is with me.

My ex cheated on me 2X and then left me for the second guy (still with I have EVERY right to be a total hard-ass with her in terms of living up to every single line of the divorce agreement, but I don't. I cut her lots of slack in terms of paying for the kid's stuff, etc., and I am not just talking about clothes and daughter has racked up some very expensive therapy and in-patient bills this year , let me tell you (in excess of 20K already), and I have pretty much paid for everything.

But I am in a better position financially than her, I am over all the crap she did to me, and the last thing I want to do is be fighting with her and dragging her to court and what not over money, so I just let it go. I don't want that tension to be something my kids have to deal with...they've been through enough. Same with other things too, not just money, I am probably over accommodating....but like I said, I am just trying to keep the peace.

I know sometimes it drives my GF of 6 yrs nuts....but I tell her it's my choice and she has no say in it. I am not doing it to stay close to her, get in her good graces or anything's all about remaining on good terms with her to not f*ck my kids up by having to put up with parents who hate each other.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2013 at 5:03PM
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They have no kids. And I can completely understand your position. I have kids, and a very nasty ex (who was cop- we get along great now that they are in college). I eat a lot of sh@% and let a lot of stuff go because I simply want to keep the peace. I guess what I am having difficult in understanding is why would he be so much more concerned with her freaking out than hurting my feelings. What can she do more than she is not already doing? She won't sell, (why would she, he's paying for the mortgage and not hurting her any), and he won't enforce any reason to.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2013 at 5:13PM
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Surely its not the property that hurts your feelings? Seems like a scapegoat issue to me.

its hard to be the second wife. Dont lose sight of the fact tgat you are the preferred one now.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2013 at 2:56AM
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How can he allow her to hold him hostage for 3 years? My DH actually has 3 male friends going thru same type of situation.First, BM wants college money for a 22 year old...Going to court to try and get this( I don't think she ll be successful)Second, wife wont sell property she was ordered to do so 4 years ago.She has been arrested for contempt and sent to jail and still refuses.Third, maintenance has run its course, BM going back to try to renew...All three have been divorced for years, I do think they are trying to hang on, to punish, to remain victims...Maybe some women think once they are married, husband owes them support for life.Personally I think all three wives need therapy to move on with their lives. I think your DH needs to file whatever he needs to to get the property sold.He needs to include you and introduce you to family and deal with the fallout...Its the EXs problem, not his to deal with her emotions after being divorced for 3 years. Enough...

    Bookmark   October 25, 2013 at 10:36AM
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Amy and Dotz:

Great feedback...remembering I am the one he chose does help. And I am glad I am not the only that thinks enough is enough. But nonetheless, I have a gut ache over it. Seems like if he really wanted to end it things would have already happen...3 years of paying for property you have nothing to do with or will reap benefits...really who does that for that long? I am seeing him again this weekend and its the first time in over two years that I have no excited butterflies. I think every time he puts me in this position it makes me feel I am not near as important to him as I have made him to me and tears away at what we have.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2013 at 11:26AM
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ThereâÂÂs a difference between keeping the peace for the sake of the kids, and what your BF is doing.

ThereâÂÂs no reason not to introduce you to his family. As you say, there is nothing more exwife can do that she isnâÂÂt already doing. And even if they did have kids together, thatâÂÂs not a reason to allow someone to hold something over your head such as not agreeing to sell the land. There are ways to deal with an ex-wife (such as filing contempt charges if she refuses to sign) that don't involve taking it up the you-know-what from your ex.

I understand BF does not want to ruin his credit, hence the reason heâÂÂs still paying the mortgage on the property. But sometimes you have to chew off your foot in order to get out of the trap.

I was in the same situation with my exH. Both of our names were on the mortgage even though I was the only paying on it. I could not get a divorce if we were still living together in the same residence. He refused to move out, so I did. I did this even though I I knew there was a chance he would stop paying on the mortgage, ruining both of our credits.

Well, thatâÂÂs what happened, but I was willing to sacrifice my credit to get out of the marriage. And I talked to an attorney about it who told me itâÂÂs common course for a personâÂÂs credit to be ruined in a divorce. In this economy people are more forgiving of a less than perfect credit score, and unless your BF needs to buy a house or car in the near future he shouldnâÂÂt worry so much about it.

ItâÂÂs been two years since my divorce and you know what my credit score is? 686 - not bad for someone with a foreclosure, right?

And how would exwife find out if you were introduced to his family? If she is still in contact with your BF's family that is something else to be concerned about as well.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2013 at 1:51PM
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