Feeling awful and wanting some advice
Needing to vent, get some input here....
My first time dating a parent.
So I've been with my bf for two years now and he has a 14 year old son. It's great that the kid likes me and wants to include me in his life, but I'm just not feeling it sometimes. I feel torn, like I should spend more time with him to get to know him and build a better relationship
yet at the same time I feel terrified. I got sick of the instant family feeling all the time and feeling hurt knowing that I will always comes last at the bottom of the bf's list. So I moved out of his house and told him that I'm not ready to marry him, live with him, see his son and share my space with his son every night when he visits. When I was living with the bf, I felt like the only space I had to myself was our bedroom.
I've even told him, you need to put us first in OUR relationship because your kid isn't the one who is keeping it together. My needs and wants should come first too! And he replied back with "You don't get it. You're comparing apples to bananas! Kids will always come first.
It's how I was raised and how I think."
I feel like he's the one who doesn't get it!!!
I've thought about this a lot and have realized many things: It's been two years and I don't love the kid. I've realized that I probably won't, but I will be a supportive friend and offer him any help he needs if he asks for it (money for school supplies, etc). As much as I don't
want to be a parental figure to him, I will have to be if I stick around. I have very selfish thoughts. I am aware that I do want to move back in with the bf and find a place of our own but without the son. I have decided to stop spending the holidays together with the bf and his son
and family because I've realized that when we make plans to spend it alone, he will back out on it if his son changes his mind at the last minute to spend it with his father. It also terrifies me deeply that when this kid is of drinking age, I won't get any alone time at all with his father since his father likes to bring him with us wherever we go. I feel grateful right now that he's still underage so that I can go to adult places with the bf alone.
I've told the bf about this issue as well and all he says is that, as teenagers get older, they will spend less time with their parents and he's sorry for putting the whole instant family feeling on me. But it still makes me feel like I have to put my love life I want with him on hold until the kid grows old enough to decide for himself that he doesn't want to spend all his time with his father. Why can't he go back to the romantic man who was pursing me before I met his son?!
Yes, I do realize kids need their parents and need to spend time with them, but it makes me feel like crap. Like I can't get enough alone time and I feel nervous every time we go on dates and the question is burning in the back of my mind "Is his son going to be there as well?"
All my friends think I should leave him because of this. One even said that if the kid is aware that I don't want him around, then it will have a huge impact on his self-esteem, knowing that whenever he comes over to visit every day, there's someone there who doesn't want him there. And I don't want to damage his self-esteem or anything at all! I doubt he even knows I feel this way though.
I beat myself up over having such selfish thoughts every time I think about picturing a future or dates with his father WITHOUT him!!!