I despise my stepchild...what do I do?

angelbambamOctober 2, 2008

I feel horrible for even saying that but I can't help myself. I don't know what to do. My stomach is in knots and I feel sick to my stomach today because I know it is Thursday and I have to get him from school and put up with him until Monday morning. It wasn't like this when my husband and I first got together. His son acted like he liked me. He would hug me...and then after his dad and I got married things changed. I feel so left out here. My step treats me like crap. Disrespectful, ignores me, don't speak to me. At first, I tried to be a stepmom but after a while I gave up. I feel like what is the point. My husband is mostly the blame. He does not set any rules for his son...he never gets disciplined...never has to do chores...he gets whatever his heart desires. If I even act like I am mad at the step for something he did that is wrong, my husband yells at me and acts like I am the one who did something wrong. I am scared to even say anything to his son...I hardly speak to him in fear my husband will get mad and treat me bad. I feel like a void here when the step is here. I can only wish my husband would even care about me half as much as he does his child. Once when we were having an agrument over the step, he told me the only reason he married me was for his son...what is that supposed to mean? I just hate my life...I absolutely hate it! The only time I am happy is when the step is not here. My family tells me to just leave and come back home but I love my husband...I do...I just feel like I can't take hiding my true feelings about his son anymore. I just want to scream I can't stand your son or how you treat him and leave. Please don't think of me as someone who hates children. I love children. Every other child I have ever had anything to do with falls in love with me. I just don't understand his son. He is so mean and my husband and every one else thinks he is an angel. He ignores my husband and mom-in-law when they speak to him and they think it is funny. I don't find it funny. I think it is very disrespectful. But I just keep my mouth shut. Or my husband yells at me. His son acts like I am his litle maid when he gets home from school...turn on cartoons!...fix me a sandwich!...I want this, I want that. All I want him to do is ask me and tell me thank you but he won't. and my husband doesn't enforce that. there are so many things that bother me and I know I probably sound like a crazy person, but what do I do. It has gotten to the point now, that I am completely depressed when the step is here, I cry all day Thursday because I know it is the start of him being here for the weekend, and now I get sick to my stomach. What do I do? I sometimes wish I would just have a nervous breakdown just so I could leave here for a while.

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How old is your stepson?
How long have you been married?
How long did you date the father before you married?
How long was dad and bio mom divorced beofre you came on the scene?

These are all important details so we know the age group you are dealing with and how long he has had to adjust to the changes in his family. It all afffects how the child will act.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 2:33PM
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Stepson is almost 6. Husband and I have been married for 1-1/2 years. We only dated maybe 3 months before we got married. And my hubby and biomom were never married but were together for around 7 years. when I met him, they had been separated for almost a year.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 2:37PM
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So the kid is 6 which means he is just old enough to have minimal understanding of situations and his emotions but is still not old enough to accuratly express himself.

He didn't really have alot of time to adjust to you being involved with dad and you didn't give yourself enough time to adjust to this kid and his personality. It was pretty quick and obviously you didn't realize how difficult step parenting could be so now you feel shocked and over whelmed.

A year after divorce is pretty reasonable time to begin dating again but to get married again.....that's pretty fast and it's alot for the kid to swallow. That could be why he acts differently towards you now as apposed when you first starting dating his father. The kid was READY to handle the dating but not the permanent live-in situation.

You were cool when he could just hang out casually with you but now you have been thrust into the family and it's pretty sudden. Your status has changed and so has the way he reacts to you because he wasn't prepared.

As far as a six year old demanding you to wait on him hand and foot....you can stop that now. My step daughters are five and they went through a demanding faze as well but we stopped jumping through the hoops and made them start doing some things for themselves. You don't have to be ugly about it, just tell him he'll have to go turn the TV on himself because you are busy right now doing __________. Fill in the blank. Or if it's something he is obviously capable of doing himself just say "Now you know how to do that." and move on. One thing we learned with the girls is the more hoops you jump through the more ridiculous the demands become. Eventually they widdle down to one word commands. "DRINK!" "SNACK!" "SHOES!" The girls reached that point beofre we said "ENOUGH".

If you truly can't stand this child and you can't see anyway of working through it I can tell you the marriage will fail. It will remain a constant point of stress and everyone involved will suffer....including the kid. If you can't see yourself ever having a decent relationship with child you are in for a ruff go of things. The child is not going any where. The only person who can be removed from the equasion is you. I am sorry to be blunt but that's how it goes with blended families.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 2:55PM
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I agree with doodle.....my SD came to me at age 6 and was pretty demanding being used to everyone waiting on her hand and foot. That doesn't fly at my house. Manners are a big deal....I went through the same type of thing with my 1st husband and my 1st SD. I couldn't say anything to her without him jumping down my throat.....I stayed for a long time but then figured out it was a husband problem not a child problem. It took me a long time though to come to that realization.

Teach the child how to treat you. Teach your husband how to treat you also. You've given up yourself. Take back yourself and your power. Do things that you like, go where you like, be with friends, be happy. If that means that you aren't around much when the child is there then so be it. I'm suggesting this if after expressing to your DH how you feel you don't think he gets it. If he doesn't come around you may have to leave. Your Hubby has a problem....guilt, selfishness....stupidity...sorry but he sounds like he can be a real jerk. I put up with a lot of things in my 20's that I won't stand for in my 40's. Stand up for yourself. You can do it.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 3:17PM
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I wouldn't go through the first 2 years of my relationship with DH for no amount of money in the world. It was Hell, I tell you. I moved in with my husband after dating for about 9 months. Because his children lived with BM in a different state, I had only met them once when I moved in with him...Suddenly, 4 months after moving in with him, BM lost her home and called at 5 in the morning saying "come and get the kids." It was a nightmare. My husband seemed to want to punish my kids for things he would let his children get away with all day long. He could see no wrong in his kids and they manipulated him to the end of the world. If they didn't get their way on anything at all they literally would do things that blew me away. Example: my stepdaughter was 10 and one day she didn't get to go to Wal-mart with me. She was so mad and cried for 4 hours...I kid you not. I had been back for 3 hours and she was still crying. When my husband finally told her "that's enough" she went to her room, got out a picture of her mom and screamed into it. "I love you Mom! Why won't you come and get me??? I don't want to be here anymore!" My husband caved and apologized, promising to take her next time. That wasn't enough. She wanted to go NOW. He said "No, we won't be going tonight but you can go the next time." He shut her bedroom door and she spent the next 20 minutes throwing every item she had just got for Christmas against the wall. Everything was broken.

Dad and my stepchildren could typically be found huddled up together on the couch...the only seating we had in the living room at the time. For awhile I would enter the room, ask for a seat and would have the floor pointed out to me. Yes, I sat on the floor while my husband and the kids took the couch...something is seriously wrong with that...

It was the earthly definition of Hell. Why did I stay? Because I, too, loved my husband. I'm not even sure why we went ahead with the marriage when we did because it wasn't "better" even then...In fact, it took a year and a half AFTER our marriage for things to start turning around. But things DID turn around.

Today I love the stepchildren I thought I could never love. Today my husband wouldn't dare give a harsher punishment to one child than what he would give to another for the same thing, regardless of who the child is. Today, my stepdaughter and biological son are the best of friends. I never saw that one coming.

It took work. A lot of work and a lot of sleepless nights spent talking. You can make it work and you can turn things around but it has to start somewhere. Number 1, demand respect for yourself. You can let your husband know that you expect to be respected in your home...he seems to have not broken that barrier yet. My husband seemed to understand after I said "Is this how you treated BM? In your home with your ex did your child rule the household? No, probably not. You had an ultimate relationship with your wife and together the 2 of you raised the kids. Well, expect nothing less than that for myself and for us." Informing him that I would also never take the floor again was a turning point as well.

Best of luck to you. It's a long hard road but I have to say that it was worth it...but of course, it will always be a work in progress.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 3:56PM
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Wow, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Let me start by saying that only 3 months of dating is partly to blame. You weren't around long enough to observe their family dynamic and decide if you could adjust to it. Heck, you weren't around long enough to observe what kind of person your husband is, and what kind of parent he is. Statring a blended family takes work and patience. Most of all, it requires TIME. Your DH needs to adjust to having another adult, non-parent in the house. The son needs to adjust to there being another person of authority in the house. YOU need time to see if that kind of life is right for you. Also to adjust to living with a young child.
I was there. In the beginning I wanted to pull my hair out and run away screaming. I had to adjust to having 3 kids under 4 living with me on the weekends after living by myself and having no kids.
But it's too late to fix that now. Just wanted to point that out.

It's horrible for your DH to tell you that he only married you for his son. Was your husband having a hard time dealing with his son by himself? Honestly, how does he treat you when the son isn't there? Do you think there might be some truth to his statement? I don't want to be negative, but that's not something you just say in the spur of the moment. I would analyze your marriage very carefully. It's not fair to you to be in an unfulfilling relationship.

If your DH isn't willing to step up and parent this child properly, there isn't much hope for your relationship, IMO. Your DH isn't being fair to you at all. He sounds very selfish because first of all he isn't teaching his son how to act properly. Knowing how to behave is necessary for success in life. No one else will find his son's behavior cute at all. Secondly, he isn't taking your feelings into account. Unless you are nit-picking at the son or treating him unfairly, there is no reason why your DH should get mad at you for trying to instill good behavior.

I would DEMAND respect from the child. He doesn't have to like you. But when he says get me food, or turn on my cartoons, I wouldn't budge until he asked in a respectful manner. You have the right to demand respect. If your DH doesn't like it, too bad for him. Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself. Eventually he'll learn how to act if he wants something from you.

This isn't about your stepson. Yes his behavior is negative, but the child is only doing what he's allowed to do. He's only 6. This is your husband's fault. You say you don't want to leave because you love him, but this issue is not going to go away. You have to allow your sson to act out for fear of your DH treating you badly? It doesn't sound healthy. In fact it will probably get worse.
IMO, your options are:
1. Talk to your husband. See if he is willing to go to counselling. See if he's willing to take a parenting class. Most of all, see if he is willing to change how he is parenting his son.

If he isn't willing to change,

2. Leave. You will end up full of resentment and bitterness.

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 4:02PM
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"Dad and my stepchildren could typically be found huddled up together on the couch...the only seating we had in the living room at the time. For awhile I would enter the room, ask for a seat and would have the floor pointed out to me. Yes, I sat on the floor while my husband and the kids took the couch...something is seriously wrong with that..."

Yuck. That's really gnarly. We only had a couch for awhile and the girls would hang with daddy on it untill I got home and then they would go grab their bean bags and chill on the floor so I could sit with J on the couch. Even now with additional seating in the living room when "mama" gets home she sits with daddy on the couch.

It isn't even a big deal. I think the girls actually LIKE to see us on the couch together. In fact, once when J and I had a spat we were sitting seperate, one on the chiar one on the couch. One of the girls demanded that I go "sit next to daddy RIGHT NOW!" She wouldn't let up untill I did and then she grabbed my hand and stuck it in his. After that J and I couldn't keep a straight face and the disagreement was over.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 4:08PM
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doobleboo! You actually kind of touched on something I forgot to mention! My DH and I have a rule...it was actually something I saw on a television show over a decade ago..."When you start to fight or say anything that may be taken harshly HOLD HANDS FIRST." DH and I put this into effect a long time ago and now it is done without even thinking about it. If I have something to say (or if he does) that may cause a disagreement, we instantly without thinking take the other's hand...the whole idea is to keep a loving connection even when you disagree with each other. It really works, too...although we have both been known to say "No, I don't want to hold your hand right now!!" But we do it anyway...because that's the "rule" :)

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 4:18PM
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Awwww, how cute is that? Those girls sound precious, Doodleboo. They sound like my SD6, who's favorite part of our whole wedding was the first kiss, and who is always pushing her dad and I to hug. Kids are so great, can't wait for my own.

"Today I love the stepchildren I thought I could never love"
Momof5angels, I completely feel you with that statement. I really didn't know how I would learn to love another woman's children, but lo and behold, it happened. And you know what? It took a lot of work and patience, but the outcome makes it all worth it.

I hope you can work on your marriage and your relationship with your step son. If you can make things work, you'll be a much better person for it, and much happier.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 4:29PM
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I think that the shortness of your relationship was a huge problem in itself. You can not really get to know someone in that amount of time! And DH is now resenting any issues you have with his son because you do not have a long history with them and he probably thinks you just do not like his son.

DH could express his feelings better by not saying hurtful things, and hopefully untrue things.

I would sit down with dh and tell him that you do like his son and love him. Then pick one issue to discuss with dh at a time to work on with ss and it will improve. He is only 6!

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 5:50PM
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Angelbambam - everything you described is very normal for your situation. I went through the same issues with my future hubby. It was a lot of years of hell; just as Momof5angels said. I would never want those days back. BUT, I can stand as a testimony that, if everyone is open-minded, this will go away.

I really, really suggest some co-parenting classes and maybe even some blended-family counseling. Another poster on here was in a very similar situation as you and she found a counseling group especially for step families. You both have to go, though. You both have to be willing to hear that your way isn't the only way and may even not be the best way. Your husband needs to learn not to dismiss your feelings about his kid ignoring you and he needs to understand that it is rude to ignore ANYBODY. You have to be willing to learn that it's not easy suddenly living with someone and suddenly having them thrust into a parenting role.

FDH and I have struggled with this and still do from time-to-time. It's like he dismisses what I say in favor of his daughter thinking that he needs to please her since she's a kid and I will just get over it since I'm an adult. It's an old pattern that we slip back into sometimes, but at least he knows it's wrong and is willing to try to fix it now.

These may help you find a counselor or group:
http://www.stepinstitute.ca/counselling.html (Canada)

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 6:27PM
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It's awful that you've reached the point that you're hoping for a nervous breakdown to get out of the house. Your health and your sanity are the most precious things that you have (even more precious than your husband!) - and you're wishing them away. You are in a very bad place and you need to take some steps to make your situation better - or you will have that nervous breakdown and you'll never be the same.

You should get out of this situation for a little while so you can get some perspective. You mention that your family is asking you to return home. Why don't you go stay with your family for a while and reflect on your marriage and your state of mind. Go see a counsellor and get some assistance in setting limits and personal boundaries. Then you can work on these limits and boundaries with your husband. If he can learn to respect them, then your marriage has a chance. Otherwise, you'll have to move on.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 6:45PM
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Momof5, that's such a beautiful thing to do.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2008 at 7:58PM
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".I hardly speak to him in fear my husband will get mad and treat me bad."
"Once when we were having an argument over the step, he told me the only reason he married me was for his son."

"but I love my husband...I do..."

I'm sorry to be harsh, but I guess I don't see much to love here . . .?

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 1:24AM
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One thing i have to admit about my husband is that fact that he stood by my side as my friend and soul mate against every minute detail.
Example, we would be holding hands when we first started dating, SD didn't like that so she would separate us by holding both our hands. My Husband would then after 5 minutes of this, put her on one side and me on the other. The couch, if there was no space for me, he would give me his space and sit onthe ground. I can think of many other examples and many times he would speak to his daughter to tell her he loves her and he loves me. No one is replacing no one, no one is losing anyone. Andhe did do a good job over the years standing his ground and he still does. This shows a solid front to his kids. And there are times they do not like it but that is his decision , he stands by it, they have to respect it and if they don't...too bad. And both my husband and i have the same mentality and this provides solid ground for all the kids in our house.
I would hav e patience and speak to your husband about his attitude . Rule number one, he is not to yell at you in front of anyone. if he has something he doesnt' agree to speak to you in private. Set ground rules for the house for anyone to follow them. Its not just for yoru SS, its for all who enter your house.
Also i agree with other, stop catering to him. Completely. He has hands, he can turn on the tv. Tell him to come into the kitchen and help you make the sandwich or better yet, start telling to dad to step up and start doing things for him instead.
Go shopping without them for a few hours, and leave them have 'together time'

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 9:07AM
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Organic maria....how I wish my husband would do like yours. My sson doesn't like for hubby to show me any kind of affection or attention at all. He always tries to intercept. He will overtalk me or try to overtalk my husband. He doesn't want us sitting together. I understand him being jealous and wanting his Dad for himself because he is just a child...but my husband lets this go on and doesn't try to correct it. He will just leave me out and I guess he thinks my feelings don't matter. I appreciate all of you guys' posts....you all say to talk with my husband but I can't say anything to my husband about his son's ways. He is always defensive no matter what. And maybe this isn't even a stepson prob at all...but a husband prob. I have lots of probs with him....smoking marijuana...spending all our money on that....he is spoiled and selfish. And I feel like I can't talk to my own husband about anything that may make him "mad". I know that is not a healthy relationship when you avoid handling any situation because your hubby may not like it. I just do whatever for him because if he doesn't get his way....it's the end of the world. It doesn't really matter about my feelings, it seems, in his eyes.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 9:23AM
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Awwwww, I'm so sorry Angelbambam. It kills me to hear stuff like that. Your feelings DO matter!!! I don't have anything else to add to my post, but I can offer hugs. ((HUG))

I'm starting to think you should step back from the situation. You shouldn't have to be their slave while they ignore your feelings. Let your hubby take care of his son. No say, no play.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 9:45AM
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There is nothing more lonely than being in a marriage all by yourself. It eats you alive , slowly, and destroys your joy in living.

Single people are free to do as they please, persue friendships, and search for a person with whom they are compatible. etc. They have lonely nights, and its tempting to be with someone just to end the loneliness.

But if you are married and all by yourself in that marriage, there is no escape. Years and years of feeling unheard. Never able to express your opinion without fear of pissing someone off.

Your husband isnt ready to be married. You can spend the next several years, all your youth, with him, and someday you will wake up and wonder where your life went. Or you can do the hard thing now, and get out while you still have time to make a different kind of life for yourself.

ONce you have a husband who treats you properly, you will wonder why you ever thought you loved someone who shows no respect or empathy for you.

Suggest that you and he go to counselling, and if he refuses, go yourself, to help you figure out why you stay when only one of you is trying.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 10:02AM
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I am agreeing with other's in that you probably didn't get to know DH enough before marrying, however in blended families that's no guarantee either.

To me your husband sounds abusive and spending all the money on weed and the disrespecting you. Umm no. I agree with your family, go back to them get yourself together, grieve if you need too. Sounds like a husband problem a lot more than a kid problem.
Unless your DH is willing to attend counseling, make changes and give up the weed (come on what kind of example does that set for the kid?!) I hope you would leave and not look back. You sound fearful of your DH, not good.

At the very least, Go for the weekends and let DH handle his son, he should be spending time with him anyhow.

You go relax with your family and really try to look at your situation with a cold clinical eye. Someone here told me on another post to go back and read my posts like they were someone elses or a friend and think about what I would say to them. That was very eye opening to me and good advice. I do that a few days after I post I go back and re-read what I posted as if it was anyone else and frankly am appalled atsome of the things I have put up with.

Please try to get away for a few days where you can think clearly without being upset and verbally abused.


    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 11:14AM
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This definitely sounds like more of a husband problem. He is allowing his child to act in an inappropriate way. He himself is acting in an inappropriate way. No offense or anything.

I think Orgainc Maria gave you great advice. You need to have some ground rules and one of them should be him telling you privately if he disagrees with the way you handle his son. My dh and I get along well as do my SS and I, but there have been occasions where my dh disagreed with my parenting right in front of ss. This is not okay in a regular parenting situation and is certainly not okay in a step situation it totally negates any progress made. Our rule is if we do not agree on parenting for either of the kids we talk about it privately.

If your dh is unwilling to talk with you than I suggest that you tell him that he needs to find childcare for his son after school on the days that you have him until he can pick up SS. If he is unwilling to listen to your concerns about SS and let you have input than I would be unwilling to take care of SS. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.

Good luck

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 11:34AM
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Yeah, you guys are right. Most of the problem is with my husband. And actually his son would probably be totally different if he would actually try to be his father and not his little buddy. This year is his son's second year of kindergarten. He didn't pass last year. They have a little bit of homework every night except friday. The only night my hubby has to worry about homework is Thursdays because biomom has him rest of school week. I asked last night if he made him do his homework and he said nah, that the teacher never checks it anyway. I told him well he still needs to do it. And I asked him if he wanted him to fail again this year and my hubby just brushes it off like it is no big deal. I can't make the sson do his homework b/c he will not do anything for me so what can I do. I think my husband is not mature enough to be a father. he is almost 30...he should be but he is not. As I sit here typing, he is in our bedroom with his buddy getting high while his son is in the other room. What kind of example is that??? And there are so many little things that he does to me that hurts me. For example, when I come back home today from picking up his child from school, my hubby was already home. He makes sure to bring his son home a candybar and drink but doesn't bring me crap. That may be little and petty but it hurts me. I think it is the little things that count. It shows that he isn't even thinking about me and I do sooo many things for him. I bend over backwards for him and whenever he wants me to do something for his son....I do it. For those of you, who have been in a situation similar to mine...how did you approach your husband? I don't know how to start talking to him about all the things he does that hurts me.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 6:10PM
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what martha said.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 6:52PM
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I'm with Martha and Sylvia. You're wasting your life trying to make this immature jerk love you- it may never happen, and even if it does there's no guarantee he'll be a better person. Go home to your family, have a good long think, and then make plans for a better life.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 8:59PM
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Angel, I know it has been forever since your post, but I just stumbled across it. I am 32 now, but my mom married my step-dad when I was 9. I resented that marriage very, very much. I discovered how awesome my step-dad was when he insisted we go "play" together, with no mom. He taught me how to ski, how to fish, how to sled ride down monstrous hills, how to shift his truck, and may other things. He wound up being a lot cooler than my mom! He introduced me to a world that I would never known without him. I am who I am today because of him. I have his personality, not my mom's. My son is just like him too. I even asked if he could finally adopt me 2 years ago. I no longer wanted my biological father's name as my maiden name. I wanted to man's name who actually influenced my life. Look on the internet, find some ideas, and maybe try to introduce him to your world. Make it fun. You may have to drag him at first, but he could wind up being your buddy!

    Bookmark   March 28, 2009 at 6:38PM
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I'm not in your situation specifically BUT I do have a very strong willed 6 1/2 year old boy of my own. Apart from your husband smoking weed and making you the bad guy, the little guy is testing you both. My son is my bio and I'm here to tell you, this is the age where kids test the lay of the land.

OK, first, HE'S SIX! Don't know how old you are but he is 6. So you have to treat him that way. You are not a servant and I've seen my own bio 6 year old try to put me in that compartment. You don't fetch and tote for him. You let him watch TV as a privilege when YOU see fit. He eats what you serve or doesn't eat. (this is a tough one but do it anyway.) He does his kindegarten homework or no TV, computer whatever. Put him in check. Don't be afraid to use your age and body mass to let him know who is in charge. And it's not dad getting high in the other room.

Yes, I agree with everyone else, you have a husband problem here. However, this 6 year old is screaming "RAISE ME." Kids need and want a guiding, sometimes firm, hand so they can feel secure.

Just say no. Now, about your husband, the weed and all of that, that's something you need to figure out within yourself if you will tolerate that lifestyle. The kid is six, treat him as such. He is not in charge, YOU ARE! You don't have to beat him, just stand up to him as a grown woman. A few well placed time outs will probably turn the whole situation around.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 6:09PM
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I married my husband this year after 6 years of dating. We are both divorced for many years with now grown young-adult children. At the time we met his daughter was 18 and my son 14. My son loves my husband and accepted him with open arms. His daughter struggled to accept me in her dads life. Her dad is a very nurturing, attentive, loving person. When we started dating he shifted all that to me and away from his daughter. And I do have to say....it must leave a void. I was concerned about his 18 year old daughter by herself when he would stay over my house, because she was all alone in his house an hour away. Her mom was busy living in an apartment starting her life and dating. That's all I know on that topic (no judgement). Moving on... It was a living H with her for the first 2 years. My husband naturally wanted to introduce us. She was busy, didn't have time, the venue wasn't interesting to her. Bless his patience! We finally decided to go shopping for her birthday. On the trip, she hijacked her dad. She would take him away from me within the store to look at clothes, and I was left on my own. When we left a shop, she would squeeze between her dad and I walking down the street, again I was pushed out. The last straw on our first meeting is her purposeful talk about past family memories that drove home I was so misplaced. Well, after that event I hated her. HATED this spoiled, bratty, immature girl. I don't feel guilty for saying it either. The next 6 years continued with different rude behaviors. We went on a group vacation with friends and she was hostile toward my son (16 at the time) because he woke her up at night with the television. Her hostility continued foe 10 days leaving my son uncomfortable and confused. He couldn't understand how anyone could get that upset over his blunder. Remember he was 16 and he is a boy. LOL When he got sick with double ear infections and she had to give up her room so he could rest in a bed (not a hide a bed with a thin mattress-he is a heavy kid and she is barely 100 lbs). oh boy you should have seen the commotion. That is probably the only time I got angry in the 6 yrs I have known her. Everyone in the condo was tip toeing around the idea SD had to move rooms but no one would tell her. An argument ensued about whether it was right to make her move after agreements were made. That is when I hit TILT. Instead of asking nicely, I laid out the new plan regardless of anyone's prior agreement or rantings. My son was very sick and needed to rest. When he was better they could change rooms back. Oh boy, she threw me stink eye for the rest of the trip. Add insult to injury: my son walked in on her while she was brushing her teeth in the bathroom and she cam out ranting. Oh.... The injustice! Enuf said. I hope you get the scene here. Flash forward to today. She got older and met a boy that she lives with. He appeared to be a good influence on her. Dad had to smack her hand last Xmas for her incredibly rude behavior toward me; when dad would leave the room she would start whispering with her boyfriend as if I wasn't in the same room. When actually I was preparing the dinner they were about to eat. Sigh! Now it's been 4 months since our wedding: we invited them wine tasting (something we wanted to do) and no response, dad calls and texts and no response, I see her on FB and I'll LIKE her posts on occasion to keep the oar in the water. She loves her mother and grandmother, who give her a lot of monitory privilege. We are not in a position right now to do so and even if we were I wouldn't do it to gain her attention. So WHAT IS MY ISSUE? I am angry at SD and my husband!!!!

When we got married in June the theme of our service was family. I had such high hopes, having such an abusive marriage in the past. It seems like my dreams have been shattered again. A part of me is heartbroken, perhaps too idealistic is the lesson here. Ha!

I don't think this situation will ever change, or at least right now there are no signs pointing toward an upward trend. After 6 years of this, I'm toxic with anger. I can't live this way anymore. I dread Xmas because I have to deal with them. Conversation is like pulling teeth. All I get is one-word responses or on occasion an explanation. I think up topics ahead of time to prepare for the uncomfortable silence. They never ask about my son, me, or my family BTW.

I've decided to disengage from her out of self-preservation. No more cooking meals for people who are rude to me. No more hosting people who lack the most obvious manners. No more party invitations. Xmas will be a card, sorry we are out of town. Dad and SD can figure things out between themselves. I'm not winning here.

New to the SD game, but really hating it. I want off this merry-go-round.

Ideas? Thoughts?

    Bookmark   October 28, 2013 at 9:19AM
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Part of your problem is the short court ship time. Lack of preparation for marriage when a child is involved. Counseling would have helped greatly, people are always on different pages when it comes to parenting and discipline. Lack of respect on the child's part will grow as the child ages, then starts the acting out along with the respect. This does not help endear the child to you. If you have your own child---- more problems start with this child.
You will soon grow to hate your husband, for his weakness as a parent for the non-parenting, no established boundaries, and especially for the no consequences when serious behavior problems start to occur. The child will retaliate and start to damage your personal belongings on a sneaky mode. Large scratches in your auto, garbage in your car, purposely playing basketball off your car. Stealing from your personal bedroom dresser, starting with small things, like an expensive pair of your ear buds found broken on the child's bedroom floor, and then lie that he knows nothing about it and other items. Other negative signs, you do the child favors, drive him to friends, drive him to parties, take him to dr. when he is sick. The child will be 9 or 10 now, he will roll down the car windows and start cursing passing cars, pedestrians, giving the finger to who ever is going bye. He will place his feet up on your dash, and also refuse to wear a seat belt. At that point you will refuse to take him in your car anywhere, because he is becoming incorrigible. Also, by this time or before this your now husband will tell you it is all your fault, every time, all the time. You are not going to grow to like these people any better. The child will interrupt any time you attempt to spend with your husband. If you are trying to watch a movie, or attempting to have a discussion with your spouse behind a closed door. The child will bang on the door, yelling and asking for something stupid, the child will get in your face, in front of the tv program you are watching. Anything to demand your attention. He will do negative things to get your attention. You attempts to correct him and teach manners, it is a failure. There are too many other people in his life who think the bad behavior is cute, or are so absorbed with their own agenda, they just ignore the kid. So the kid gets louder and louder. It never ends, you think you hate how you are feeling now. Wait until the day you have to start taking antidepressants in order to stay in the relationship. Even the antidepressants will not suffice to help you be emotionally stable in some situations. Try three step kids in your life, they will ultimately challenge anything that you do, how you drive a car (even though they do not drive yet) They attempt to distract you so you will have an accident. These are all fires that cannot be put out. Believe me this life will drain ALL your energy, zap all the spunk and happiness, enthusiasm out of your life and marriage. There is also the issue of money, some how money plays in to this. Please, you will leave and sit in your auto and cry to yourself, until you are numb. You now realize you made the mistake of your life. Remember how happy you were before you became involved in this situation, you will want those days to return.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2014 at 8:41PM
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