The visit

thurmanOctober 11, 2011

My son is now in college.Because of the storm, my SD could not meet us at my son's school.

But now, my SD (his older half-sister) wants to visit him. He's incredibly busy at school with tests and papers, doesn't want her to come. My wife is pressuring him to "make time" for his sister.

I'd like to remind my son to stand up for himself, tell her to come another time or set a time limit, etc. But if I tread into this area, it sounds like I'm trying to stop my son and SD from seeing each other.

If the situation were reversed, my wife would be telling my son to respect his sister's needs, wishes, etc. I feel like my son needs to know it is okay to put his foot down.

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Jr Thurman is a big boy now. Let Jr make his own decisions. Sorry, Thurman, but I'm not really gonna 'buy' that Jr told you he does not want her to come. I'm thinking it's much much more that THURMAN is squawking over the thought of Sis making the trip...especially now that THURMAN is not there to guide and control the visit.

In either event, Jr is close to his sister. There should be no problem on his part discussing a visit and as to when or when not is a good time. Sis went through college once herself (years, she's a dr) and knows very well what all concerns there are to consider when someone wents to visit.

Let the kids work it out themselves. Wife and you keep your noses out of it. Completely out. None of either of your's business if Jr and Sis have or have not a together. If either of them have an ounce of sense neither one of them will even mention it to you and/or mom.

And Thurman, if you really feel a need to advise Jr how to run his adult college life as to his 'free time'...tell him JMT says it's just fine not to even discuss this weekends or next weekends (or whenever) plans with Dad. As long as it does not involve Dad and/or Dad's money, sssshhhh is the word!

    Bookmark   October 11, 2011 at 3:08PM
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"But if I tread into this area, it sounds like I'm trying to stop my son and SD from seeing each other."

Does it ever! And that's even without having read all your other posts about your stepdaughter. It doesn't just SOUND like it. You have made it very clear you don't want your son to have a relationship with her -- in fact, it's pretty clear that you wish she would just vanish from the face of the earth.

I agree -- keep out of it. If your son really doesn't want to see his -- yes, HIS SISTER, face it -- then he can tell her himself that he's too busy. It's none of your business in the first place, and after your behavior all these years, do you think there's the slightest chance either of them would ever listen to your advice when it comes to their relationship?

You know, Thurman, every time you post about this and your obsession with your stepdaughter, everyone takes the time to respond to you and give you good advice. You thank everyone, but you never follow it.

In particular, many people have advised you to get counseling, because if you're for real, you really do have a problem. You say you'll go. Did you ever? What happened? Why are you still on this?

    Bookmark   October 11, 2011 at 4:02PM
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I'm pretty sure that YOU don't want her to visit. Are you monitoring his visits with friends, girlfriends, etc also? If he doesn't want to visit with someone, I'm sure he can speak for himself. Find something else to do with your time instead of having this unhealthy obsession in trying to exclude SD from her family.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 9:56AM
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Why is anyone (wife or Thurman) involved with the issue. If he is away at college and the son has told his sister he doesn't have time, why would the mom pressure him to make time? I certainly do not think Thurman needs to put in his two cents, considering his well known feelings for his SD... but why is the mom pressuring the son? In my opinion, college age & adult kids can make up their own mind to have or not have a relationship with each other. I see my siblings when I want & have closer relationship with one over the other because we have more in common.

Thurman, let it go & your wife needs to butt out too.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 10:00PM
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Thanks, folks. You are right. I should stay out of it. And I have not said a word. My son is old enough to decide what to do. It is hurtful in one sense, because he is often too busy to call us for our weekly chat...and now my wife is pressuring him to make time for a weekend visit so she can see the campus. But I'll let it go.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2011 at 7:24PM
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He's growing up, Thurman. It's what you've worked so hard at all these raise a son ready to go out to face the world. It's all new and exciting, he's full of making friends, going to class, studying signing up for activities/groups, exploring the city ect.

Perhaps he can begin to call you at times that are better suited to his schedule or exchange short emails/instant messages...enough to let him know you're thinking of him, and see how he is doing and enough to reassure you he's ok.

And your wife should not be pressuring him. These first few months are important as he finds his bearings and discover life in college. The college isn't going anywhere, it'll be there another time to visit. His sister should understand this too as she has been through it all herself. Remind your wife to let the 'kids' work it out for themselves...she should not be sticking herself in the middle.

I hope he's doing well and has a great's such a busy, exciting and adventure filled year for a young man his age being in his first year of college.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2011 at 10:02PM
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My stepdaughter is driving up this weekend to see my son. It does bother me tremendously. But I'll try to channel those feelings into something positive, maybe a trip with my wife somewhere nice. Although I do have the urge to try to interrupt this, I'm going to take your advice, and try to butt out. However, my stepdaughter clearly doesn't know her role and tries to be "little Mommy." However, that might cost her dearly with my son, who is now in college and doesn't go for that little mommy routine.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2011 at 9:33PM
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--" It does bother me tremendously. But I'll try to channel those feelings into something positive, maybe a trip with my wife somewhere nice."--

Have a great weekend, Thurman. Don't talk about the adult children, don't call and see how it's going. Some relaxing meals with wife, some good just might be good for both wife and you. Oh, and if either one of them call home afterwards to whine their visit did not go well, simply tell them you/wife do not want to hear about it. They set this up, they will either have a good weekend as brother and sister or they won't. Whichever it is, it's on them.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2011 at 7:25AM
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Thurman, so lovely that you are hoping that your son will come to hate his sister.

Sorry to burst your bubble. Both my mother and my father had sisters who were many years older than they were and who were "little mommies" to them. They resented it often when they were children. But once they became adults, they both adored their sisters all their lives. I am 54, and I love it when my big brother still takes care of me. And I think he likes it when I take care of him, too. THAT'S WHAT FAMILIES DO FOR EACH OTHER.

Why, oh, why, do you wish misery, resentment, and dysfunction on your son?

Get a grip already. Let go of this obsession with your stepdaughter. Is it really how you want to spend your little bit of time on earth?

You didn't answer my question about the therapy you keep saying you are going to get. So?

    Bookmark   November 1, 2011 at 3:54PM
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