having a baby

rossco_growOctober 19, 2010

I'm 29 male, my partner of 3 years is 35 and has two teenagers. She's always said to me that she would like to have a baby with me, but recently she has done a complete U-turn and says she doesnt want any more kids. She says it's not fair on her kids and she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life bringing up another baby.

Fair enough I thought, but the real problem is that we love each other deeply. I get on great with her and her kids. I now have to choose between staying with my partner and not having my own child, or leaving her.

It's heartbreaking and my head is spinnin with it. Can anyone please please offer me some advice...

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silversword

Do you want a child of your own?

    Bookmark   October 19, 2010 at 2:00PM
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rossco_grow

Yes, I would love to have my own child, one day

    Bookmark   October 19, 2010 at 2:43PM
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mattie_gt

"...she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life bringing up another baby." It sounds like she may be feeling that most of the burden of raising a child would fall on her. That is a valid reason for concern, especially for a 35 year old mother of teenagers who may have had very little, if any, "freedom" as an adult.

We all know that in some relationships one person sometimes does much more of the day to day household tasks, including taking care of the kids. I don't mean just the fun stuff like playing games or going to the zoo, but the boring, tedious daily stuff like finding the missing dirty socks under the bed, like making dinner and packing lunches day after day after day, like being the one who schedules the doctor's appointments and the parent-teacher conferences, who takes the initiative in finding extracurricular activities and figures out logistics for getting the child to them.

If you really, truly want a child and with this particular woman, she might be more willing if you are going to assume the lion's share of the responsibility. And I don't mean sitting back and waiting for her to assign you your scheduled task of the day, but if you are the one who is planning to be more of the primary caretaker; the one who scrambles to find a last minute babysitter in case of school cancellations, the one who schedules play dates, the one who knows exactly which clothes are still a bit too big, which are just right, and which are destined to soon go into the hand me down bag.

If all that sounds like exactly what you have always dreamed of, then try explaining that to your partner - hopefully she's already seeing that sort of behavior from you already. If it sounds more like something you were hoping that she would take care of while you "help out" as needed, well, it might not work out well for the two of you to have a child.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2010 at 3:15PM
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sylviatexas1

Have the 2 of you discussed marriage?

    Bookmark   October 19, 2010 at 5:00PM
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silversword

Good advice Mattie.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2010 at 11:04AM
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