Sexual Harassment - not SF related

silverswordOctober 9, 2009

I posted this on the Parents Forum but I really respect the opinion of most of you here and it moves so much faster here. I hope no one minds.


My dd age 7 got a phone message yesterday from a girl in her class. The girl was giggling and said "my mom wants to have sex with you" among other things. The second message said "my brother wants to have sex with you".

I saved both messages. I have a call in to the principal this morning requesting a meeting with him and my dd's teacher ASAP.

I'm afraid this child may be sexually abused. I don't know how old her brother is, or if he goes to my daughter's school, but that scares me too.

Any advice on how to handle this?

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I think you did the right thing. I would also talk to DD,again, and I am certain you have had this talk before, about good touching and bad touching. I would also make certain DD did not go that persons house or is alone anywhere near them. Good luck.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 12:22PM
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She didn't go to their house, and won't! but unfortunately the little girl called after school and she and my dd had a long conversation. My dd has to have conversations on speaker phone, and I listened in on occasion (not hearing anything strange) but am really frightened that she may have said things like that on the phone as well. (I didn't check my voicemails until the evening)

I don't want dd to have social repercussions from this at school either.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 12:29PM
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You did the right thing 100%.

When I was in kindergarten, I had a playdate at a little boy's house.

He asked me to "kiss his bottom" over and over.

I did it!!!!! No, he didn't pull his pants down or anything, be he asked me to do it over his pants, and I did. YIKES. I still clearly remember being in a playroom in his basement.

Anyway, when I got home, I told my mom and she freaked. She and my dad kind of thought that maybe he was being sexually abused or something.

I never went over there to play again and my mom had a meeting w/the teacher. I don't know what came of it, this was back in the 80s, so I don't know if the child abuse laws/mandated reporting thing for teachers was in effect.

It totally could have been an innocent thing but it also could have been something more serious.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 12:30PM
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Thanks, :) but I haven't done anything yet. Principal has yet to call me back. I'm afraid to go talk to him, and so angry I'm beside myself. I'm going to play the messages for him. I just don't know what else to say.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 12:34PM
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I think you did the right thing by calling immediately.

I would try to be less *angry* when you talk to the principal and more concerned. I totally get your anger (I'd be mad, too!!!!) BUT the principal didn't do anything wrong and really, this IS an area of huge concern regarding his student(s) and it needs to be brought to his attention.

Def. play the messages for him.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 12:37PM
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Good point about the *anger*. I just got off the phone with his secretary. She'll call me back in 20 min to let me know when I can meet with him.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 12:39PM
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Wanted to add---if the principal trivializes this, THEN I'd be ANGRY!

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 12:49PM
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Take a deep breath...

I'm going to suggest that this little girl may have had NO IDEA what she was saying! As evidenced by referring to both her mother and her brother in practically the same sentence, her use of the same wording, and her very young age. It could be she knows just enough to know what she said was "naughty" but have no clue as to how or why.

On the other hand, it could also mean tragically more, so I think calling the principal is the right thing to do.

Consider LH's story about kissing the other little boy on his pants. Until Mom made a big deal out of it, I doubt LH was greatly traumatized, and thought it was only a silly game. I'm NOT making light of sexual abuse -- Just noting that if the child doesn't perceive a sexual element, then to the child, it ISN'T sexual. Consider the 'naked bearskin' baby photos. In the eyes of loving parents, it's something completely different than in the eyes of a pedophile.

Don't assume the worst! But take considered action to see if there may actually be fire behind the smoke.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:00PM
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Sweeby, I dont think OP is afraid or angy at the girl, I think she is more concerned about what is going at grils hosue.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:02PM
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I agree with you, sweeby, to a point. But I don't think a 7 year old should be talking about "sex." My DD is 7 and so is SS and neither of them even knows the word sex yet. I don't think my mom did anything wrong in how she reacted to me. I cannot really say she "made a big deal" out of it. She didn't tell me at the time that I couldn't play there anymore, it just never came up again. It was only in much later years that we talked about and she told me she made the decision that I would not play there anymore. I actually think I TOLD HER what had happened because something in my gut, even at that young age, told me what had happened wasn't "right."

I do agree it could be something innocuous. Does this child have older siblings? That could account for her hearing the word and knowing just enough that what she is saying is "inappropriate."

DEFINITELY warrants call & meeting with principal for sure!

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:09PM
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You're right KKNY. I feel violated. And I'm angry because I feel violated. And I'm angry when I think of a little girl who thinks it's ok to call someone and say stuff like that. And I'm afraid of what that might indicate in her personal life. And I'm afraid of how that might affect my daughter.

Sweeby, the sex with mom, sex with brother sentences were in two different phone calls. She may not have known what she was saying, but I don't think this is a case of innocence. It is far more likely, IMO, that this little girl knows exactly what sex is. Also, kindergarten is very different knowledge-wise than third grade. Kissing a bum-bum is very different than saying someone wants to have sex with you. Mommies and aunties kiss bum-bums innocently. They don't have sex with kids innocently.

I don't think there's any way naked baby pictures taken by parents for the family album can be compared to little girls calling classmates and saying someone wants to have sex with them.

I don't know if this means the little girl is being abused, but she has some sort of mental awareness that is unhealthy and being projected (perhaps just trying to figure out what it means, perhaps as a cry for help).

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:21PM
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ok. just got off the phone with principal. He is going to call the girl to his office, and question her to see if he thinks he should call CSS. I played the messages for him. The girl has a brother who is in my daughters grade (my daughter is in an advanced 2-3 class, with the 3rd grade girl). The principal was concerned. That makes me happy, I've always thought he was an effective leader, I'm glad to have the reinforcements.

He says we should block their number. I don't know about that, because then how would I know if this is escalating? Very confused.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:29PM
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I tend to agree with Sweeby, but I still think that you did the right thing Silver. Sometimes kids say things to get attention, they are so weird that way...!! The 7 y/o girl may have heard it on tv, maybe heard her Mom talking on the phone, her older brother may have said it in some weird context with his friends in front of her(ie.Joe said today that his brother wants to have sex with me and his mom does too! and then the friend "Joe" laughed and so did his friends)

Our youngest knew a kid in school who was like 9 and her Mom was very weird, anyways, this kid would call up a boy in her class and say to him on voicemail "i want to have sex with you, I want to screw you!" I was shocked when I heard about it from the little boy's mother. THe mother of the little boy went to the school, just like you are doing (Smart Silver!) and the school told her nicely they would check it out. TUrns out the mother of the little girl who did the voicemails is quite the "treat" and talks like that all the time on the phone to her boyfriend...UGH!! but for sure it's good to investigate it and I hope nothing is going on but that it's just weird "kid stuff"...!!

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:31PM
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I agree that it's probably nothing, but as the principal said, better to err on the side of the child and let the parents get bent out of shape than risk the child being in an unhealthy situation.

The girl is in 3rd grade. Her brother is in 2nd grade. Hopefully that's not how he talks to his friends.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:41PM
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I think you did the right thing. But I do recall my son being about 5 and I had a friend over from work. We were working on a project together for our classes and my son was sitting by us. Out of nowhere he said are you going to have sex?

I almost died right there!!! I then asked him what sex was and he said I don't know....I heard it on the commercial for the stuff in a box. You know...the horse commercial. I realized it must have been a trojan commercial!

So kids can say things like that without realizing what they are saying. It is important that the parents find out though so if thats the case they can correct this. And its good you went to the principal so they can assess the situation and make sure it is innocent.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 9:22PM
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She could have overheard a babysitter saying something...?

One night at the supper table my then 4 yr. old son in a matter of fact voice says "I know how to hump"!
I said "what"? He says again "I know how to hump".
I seriously didn't think he knew what he was saying and so asked him what he thought that it meant...he stands up in his chair and makes his baby hips go back and forth in "that" motion!
I said "where did you see that Gabey"? He told me that "B..." (the female 15 yr.old sitter) showed him how! His twin brother pipes up and says "I didn't do it Momma, I didn't want to, and B...spanked me".
I'm trying to keep my composure while basically grilling them as to when, where, and the who's of the situation.
Apparently while watching my two boys this girl had the 3 yr.old neighbor girl under her care also. She physically put my son on top of the little girl and forced him to do as she instructed.

I was livid!

This was over thirty years ago, so sexual child abuse was not taken seriously as it is today. In fact, the 3 yr.olds parents had the attitude of "kids will be kids"...unbelievable!
And the sitters parents? Well, they'd look into it and talk to her...yeah, right.
It upsets me just remembering it.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2009 at 2:48AM
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how awful. i am glad principal is doing something about it.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2009 at 12:46PM
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