New here...need advice.

twinklOctober 24, 2009

Hi, I am 30, moved 1,000 miles to be with DH two years ago, we got married about 6 wks ago. We've lived together for the past year and a half.

He has 2 kids 5 and 7 from previous marriage (5 has autisum). BM just moved 4.5 hrs away; before that we got them 4 days every other wk. She tells the 7 year old negative things about us. Not sure how often and to what extent, but we know it's happened b/c he's told us.

Needless to say, my relationship with SS7 hasn't been great. And it's taking a toll on myself and DH.

Most recently they visited for the first time in about 5 wks (this is not typical b/c of our wedding, another trip). So when SKs arrived, 7 year old didn't look at me but spoke to aunt/uncle, grandpa and my DH who were all here for his b-day. It really hurt me, and things haven't gone well since.

Then BM called at last minute last wk and asked DH to drive the 5 hrs to get them. I asked DH to wait and get them the next day b/c he'd been gone all wk; I had a bad wk including some medical things and I wanted to be with him that night. But he went and got SKs instead. Needless to say, things haven't gone great since. We've fought about 5 days out of the last wk.

Little history, I've admittedly had problems adjusting to my new LIFE here, including the stepkids. So it's not been an easy road for any of us. But I did feel I made progress until the past few wks.

I'm just worried that it won't get better. It's sad to me that this is our life 6 wks after marriage. I feel like I'm back to square 1 and feel like I've lost the courage to be a stepmom. Plus, keep in mind I have no support system b/c I moved away from my family and friends to be with him.

Help. I don't know what I'm looking for, just stressed, confused and depressed. I miss having a family that I feel loved and accepted from. I don't get that when the kids he had with another woman are here.

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"I miss having a family that I feel loved and accepted from. I don't get that when the kids he had with another woman are here."

What???? Why did you marry a man with children then? big mistake. you knew he had children, right?

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 11:18AM
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First of all, big (((HUGS))) to you.

I have been where you are--and still am---regarding my relationship with my SS. BM has tried so hard for years to turn him against me. It has really taken a toll, and things only started to turn around when, sadly, SS saw his mom assault me when she was intoxicated. As awful as that was, it was a turning point in our relationship--for the first time, SS saw BM in a different light. It was like a switch turned on in him in which he realized his mom's behavior was crazy.

Since then---he is not the way he used to be. He used to think his mom was right about everything, that she was his big protector and savior, and DH and I were the enemy.

Things are much improved in that respect, but it's dreadfuil it took such a terrible incident for him to see that. He even told DH a few weeks ago "my mom says you love _____ (stepsister, my daughter) more than me, but I know that's not true, you love us both the same." AW. SO SAD that his BM feels the need to fill his head with that....but the older he gets, the more he can see the truth.

Nonetheless--she IS still his mom and he loves her.

I think the key in your situation is perseverance and patience. Keep plugging away. Do right by your family, by your SKs when they are with you and just trust it will all work out.

Have you and DH done any marrigage/premarital counseling? I have found it invaluable with step issues. DH and I go periodically, and I think we might go again soon. It helps to have an objective third party who can help you both articulate your thoughts/feelings, and who can help you come to a resolution.

I am most concerned that you left your family/friends to be with DH. That puts you in a very vulnerable position. do you have a job in your new city? Friends? I would develop your own support system as best you can. I know when I get down about the added stressors of being in a stepfamily, just getting out for a night w/the girls, or going to a movie with a friend, or my mom can do wonders. It recharges me mentally.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 12:02PM
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Thanks, Lovehadley. I'm glad you can relate. And what you said about me being in a very vulnerable position is just how I feel; it really is true and I hate that.

I do have a job; in fact, I did not move here until I found one. And I have friends at work, but we don't socialize much; nearly everyone has their own children so it's hard to get together. But I try, I even started a monthly dinner party with the girls. And not everyone understands step-situations, so I'm cautious with how personal I get.

Thanks for the encouragement. I just really need that sometimes. Glad to hear your situation got better although not under the best scenario.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 1:35PM
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twinkl, whatever you do please don't have children yet. Not until you are well adjusted and come to terms with where and how your life is because this is it. It just as likely won't get any better. In most instances, the only thing that will change is how you deal with it. LoveHadley gave you an optimistic view with the story of her ss but most likely, you aren't going to end up like that, not as long BM continues her pernicious ways and she very, very likely will.

One thing you have to understand and accept is your place, in that your problems, complaining, frame of mind are not more important than him going to pick up his children on his designated day or the day that he's able to get them. Unless you thought you might end up in the emergency room, you had no reason to ask him to put off the trip. You may have wanted his attention/company/shoulder/etc., but it's not more important. If you are a relatively needy person, then you may need to think twice about this marriage.

Some people hang in there. Some people are optimistic it will get better. Some people seek counseling. Some people have wonderful stories to tell. Some people have awful stories to tell. Stick around long enough to determine if your story is one you can live with. And please remain childless for that duration or you bring a child into what may turn out a terrible situation, only to end up just like your stepchildren.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 7:47PM
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