Question kind of off topic

momof3_stepof1October 15, 2011

Ok, I'll start by saying, whether it seems like it or not, I try to get along with everyone and not cause trouble. Last weekend my bil and his gf came to my home. I had to work 8a-8p both Saturday and Sunday. This was a last minute decision on their part, they called Saturday while I was at work and told dh they were coming. They wanted to go out to bars. I agreed to go for a bit but needed to get home to sleep for work the next day. I drank water to be the dd. About 12:30 I wanted to leave and go home. They had agreed earlier to leave and come home with me to have a drink with me there before me going to bed. Well, they all decided to go to another bar. I refused, dropped them all off and went home to my bed. They called a cab to come back. I was clearly upset but didn't say a word to anyone.

I was trying to let it pass. Then Thursday the gf texted me and asked if I was mad. I don't lie. So I nicely replied that I was disappointed in everyone and I was trying to let it pass that's why I remained quiet. She blew it up into a huge hurricane of drama. She had already alienated herself with the rest of dh's family... now me. She tried that day to clear her way with the rest of them... because she was going to try to turn them on me. I believe she has the one nephews wife... but I don't care.

Anyway, to my question..... I've known for a time now that her brother is a registered sex offender. I thought I knew her but apparently she's not the person I thought she was. She's been continuing to text threaten me since and I've stopped responding. I don't know if my bil knows about her brother. He has custody of his 9 year old daughter. Since I don't feel like I know her and she's turned into this huge evil manipulator that I really don't know..... do I trust she's told him? Or should this be something I bring up to him? I don't want it to seem like it's out of spite. I'm over her.... just moving on and not being her friend. Like the rest of dh's family. I'm just truely concerned about my neice. This woman leaves her 3 year old son with her mother all the time... her brother lives with her mother. So she's leaving her son in the same home as brother. I don't know if my neice goes there or not. What do you all think? Should I bring it up to bil? Or should I just keep my nose out of it?

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Never ever let personal problems get in the way of the safety of a child. Could you live with yourself if something happened because he was not aware of the sex offender?? tell him and then you know he knows and its up to him .Your concision is clear..If shes feels you said something to cause problems to bad,he must be made aware of the potential problem.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2011 at 11:40AM
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Should YOU bring it up? No. The lady has been snipping at you all week and you want this to be taken for what it is not misunderstood as a 'take that' remark. So what I would do is discuss it with your DH. BIL and DH are brothers. DH can causually mention it to his brother in a way that brothers do things. His niece, is his only concern here. He'd not be bad talking the GF or trying to stick his nose in where it may not be welcomed...he'd simply be mentioning to his brother that he had recently learned of the sex offender brother of GF and as niece might be around the guy at some point DH wants to be sure BIL knows about it and that BIL discusses with his daughter 'good touch/bad touch' inappropriate actions blah blah.

Brother to brother can do this without fear of the concern being misunderstood. You are correct in having concerns about this, but let DH be the one to discuss it to BIL. This way it's only thought of as two brothers looking out for each other and not perhaps turned into you being spiteful or something.

BIL can and may tell his brother he already knows and to mind his own business. But for your nieces sake this is important enough to risk DH annoying his brother over.

My 2 cents

    Bookmark   October 15, 2011 at 11:44AM
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I think it depends on WHY he is a registered sex offender. I mean, I have seen people have to register when they have consensual sex with a minor, yet the minor is a teenager (15+) but he's in his 20's. Do you know the details of how he was convicted? There is such a wide range of "sexual" things a person can be convicted for that have nothing to do with children. I would tread lightly because if your BIL already knows, it may cause even more drama & you will be the big troublemaker.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2011 at 12:43PM
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He's on the Indiana sex offender registry.... anyone can see it. Anyway, it states he's a lifetime register... which I looked up and it states that that either means someone under age 12 or he's violent. Also, it's code 35-42-4-3.... chich means someone under 14. So, based on this information and the fact it happened in 1997 and he's 35 now.... it better not have been a girlfriend... plus he's either violent or the person was under 12. I went to school with him, he's freaky and scary!

I've previously told my dh that he's her brother when I first found out. Dh didn't say anything to his brother then. I don't think he will. Not because he's uncaring, just because he doesn't want to get into it. I said something to his sister and she's going to have her dh say he was browsing on the net and found it while they are at work.... (they work together).... maybe that'll work. SIL is extremely freaked out about it. (And I only told sil because I had to go to her because she's been through all this with this gf before... she's aparently psycho)

    Bookmark   October 15, 2011 at 1:15PM
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Eeh I think right now it would come off as you are annoyed by her and are all of a sudden looking for something to throw. You just now found out her brother is a sex offender, conveniently is how she will see it... Do you know for sure that her brother and her hang out at all? Just bc her son goes there during the day doesn't mean your niece does. The sex offender may not like boys, so her son isn't in danger... Just saying. I'm not sure why you cant read the offense. I have always been able to read the oftense when I've looked up people ... Maybe just tell your Dh and let him deal with it.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2011 at 9:44PM
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They hang out.... I was there at their house when he was there, so was my sil. She's freaked out now because her granddaughter was there around him. If it were me and my dh didn't tell me about this detail way before 2 years into the relationship it'd be a deal breaker. Especially if he'd allowed my children around this person. I don't know if the child that the brother molested (it states child molesting as offense and offender against children).... I've no idea if he likes boys or girls. So I cannot tell which one would be in more harm... some molesters like both. I'm sticking with letting my bil... sil's dh tell him. That or next time I go to town I could print off the web page and anonymously mail it to him. IDK.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2011 at 11:57PM
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gardenandcats said:

"Never ever let personal problems get in the way of the safety of a child.
Could you live with yourself if something happened because he was not aware of the sex offender??
tell him and then you know he knows and its up to him .
Your decision is clear..
If shes feels you said something to cause problems too bad,he must be made aware of the potential problem."

If your husband, his brother, somebody's sister, whoever, gets mad at you, you can figure they'll either get over it or they won't, & that's their decision.

The children definitely won't get over it, & it won't be their decision.

Please get this information to the parents;
don't just mention it in passing, don't rely on your husband or somebody's brother or *anybody*.

Stand in front of the parent(s), look them straight in the eye, say "please listen", & tell them.

I'm sending you good thoughts for courage & determination.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2011 at 4:30PM
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