step children problems

bert1970October 28, 2013

my fiance that i have been living with for several years asked me if her daughter can come live with us i have several problems with this she has four children all in their 20's 3 are in jail her daughter is on drugs she has had all of her children taken away from her we went and brought her oldest daughter here she lived with us for a year then went back to her mother we again had to go get her, my fiances sister has taken custody of the oldest child my fiance's daughter has come down a physically assaulted her mother and threatened her life , she has lied to us had people call her mother and tell her she has overdosed just to upset her mother , i told my fiance that i donot want her daughter living with us, she told me that i am never their for her that i should be saying of course she can , am i worng for not wanting this woman to live with me i donot want to loose my fiance but i am affraid of the outcome of this

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emma

I don't believe you are wrong. You are going to marry a woman who had her children taken away from her???????????

There are so many good women out there. Women who are good mothers and wives. Why would you do that? "Please don't say because I love her". With problems like that love will die a rapid death.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2013 at 10:45AM
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mkroopy

OMG that OP was one sentence....and a train wreck. But Emma, I think he meant his fiancee's daughter had her kids taken away.

But why anyone would marry into a mess like this is beyond me...

    Bookmark   October 28, 2013 at 11:01AM
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bert1970

im sorry it is my fiance's daughter who had the children taken away from her
i do love her but does that meen i have to put up with her childrens mess my fiancee left and moved here to get away from all of that and now she wants to bring it here

    Bookmark   October 28, 2013 at 1:47PM
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readinglady

Never. Never. Never. Your instincts not to have her live with you are absolutely correct.

First, this woman is an addict, which means odds are she'll steal from you to support her habit and/or bring people to your house (dealers and fellow druggies) which just increase your risks. You risk loss of credit cards, cash, household possessions and overall identity theft. There's no end to the destructive capacity of an addict.

Secondly, if she has been physically abusive to your fiancée previously, she also presents a continuing risk to her (and perhaps your) personal safety.

Your fiancée is an enabler. Taking her daughter in just gives her a support system which allows her to continue doing drugs. That's no favor to anyone.

This is a no-brainer and I'm sorry to say if this causes the end of your relationship, painful as it is you're better off without her.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2013 at 4:13PM
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bert1970

i appreciate everyone input i guess i just needed some one else with no direct involvement to tell me that im not being a bad person and i hope that it doesnt end my relationship

    Bookmark   October 28, 2013 at 4:50PM
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emma

Yes I did misread the post, sorry about that. It is her daughter and she will always be in your life. Parents can't see to let go of their children no matter how bad they are.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2013 at 6:27PM
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amyfiddler

(It was quite difficult to follow that original post with no periods.)

Not sure what you are wondering but it sounds like you may be being told that having boundaries is synonymous with being mean. Not so. Marrying this woman's issues will require either 1. Your sanity 2. An ability for you to hold boundaries and handle being perceived as mean or 3. Her setting limits herself. She probably never has.

    Bookmark   October 29, 2013 at 11:51AM
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