If I shake my head any more, it will fly off!

imamommyOctober 5, 2009

I'm not sure anyone's advice could help me but it keeps sinking to new lows and all this head shaking gives me a headache and a constant pain in my neck!!!

On Friday, BM sent me a text, accusing me of telling everyone at SD's school that BM is pregnant. That's not true, we had a conference with SD's teachers and BM's pregnancy was never even mentioned. DH told the teacher that SD admitted in counseling that she was doing poorly because she thought it would help her mom get custody of her. THAT was all that was said regarding BM. Well, I'm trying to avoid her drama so I ignored the text. I know it's not true and I figured she was piecing together her own version of the truth... not gonna waste my time on it.

Then on Saturday, BM tells DH that her older DD is sick. I had been told by her BF's ExW that she was told it was swine flu & she had a high fever. I mentioned in another thread that BM had her BF cancel his weekend with his kids but took SD to be around her sick daughter.. whatever, that is her choice I guess. As a mom, it's not what I would do but she's the mom...

So, we go to pick up SD last night (Sunday) and BM comes out with BF. She wants to 'talk' to DH about his wife and the counselor. She starts out with accusing me of telling the school she's pregnant. DH tells her that's not true & if anyone knows, SD might have told people. She said that I tricked her daughter into telling me and DH told her that she shouldn't be telling SD to keep secrets. I told her that if she doesn't want anyone to know, she shouldn't post it on the internet. She told me to shut up and then came around to my side of the car and told me to get out. Of course I didn't so she called me a p@ssy! and went back to DH's side of the car. He yelled to get HIS daughter and she retorted "She's NOT your daughter!" and told him that she's going to take a DNA test to prove it. She tells DH that SD doesn't want to go with us and he can go ask her. He tells her that she LIVES with us and has to go to school in the morning. She then told him that if he wants her, he can come back in the morning and get her before school. (for those that don't follow my situation... it's a three hour drive EACH WAY!) So then she threatens to call 911 and I tell her go ahead. The cops show up, we show them the order and they make her give us SD.

By the way, the DD that has the flu & high fever that needed to go to the hospital on Saturday, came outside in a tank top when the police arrived. This situation has gone beyond crazy! I have doubted from the beginning that she is even pregnant... and only believe that more so now. What normal pregnant woman would try to start a fight with someone? She tried to intimidate me a couple of years ago and when I didn't back down, she told DH that she is afraid of me and didn't want me to get out of my car during exchanges anymore. (we had peaceful, friendly exchanges before that) When we got home, DH was tucking SD into bed and she told him that the reason her mom didn't want us to know she is pregnant is because babies can die in the first five weeks.

Why would she tell her kids if she is worried about a miscarriage? Why would she try to pick a fight with me? These are rhetorical questions... I know she's a self centered nut and she most likely lying about the pregnancy! It's unbelievable to me, that she would act that way in front of her BF and he didn't say a word to her. Well, he did tell her to come back by him when she came around to my door to see if I would get out of the car.

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Oh Dear, I do not know what to say except I think you & your Dh did an excellent job in using restraint in a situation the had the potential to really get explosive.

I highly doubt she is pregnant but the really sad part is she is involvingher kids in the crazy drama making. Its good sd stays with you two most of the time. I personally would go back to the police & file a ppo since she was obviously trying to *fight* with you, more than once now. Or just not attend these pick ups with DH. Perhaps if she got you to participate in the drama she could have blamed you for losing the baby, cough cough.

I know that sound awful, but that's my gut feeling of what was really going on there. We have been down this road before with SS's Ex with her *fake* pg before Gson came along a year & 1/2 later.Good luck, it's been like living the Jerry Springer show for me. My family just can't believe people in real life even have to deal with this drama.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 10:32AM
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"Perhaps if she got you to participate in the drama she could have blamed you for losing the baby, cough cough."

That was what I predicted she would do two months ago when I heard she was supposedly pregnant. I told DH to be cautious and say nothing to 'upset' her because she would blame us when the 'miscarriage' happens... she told DH several years ago she had a surgery and could no longer have kids. The problem is, she lies so much... nothing can be believed. I felt terrible on Saturday for doubting her other DD was so sick she had to be rushed to the ER with high fever for swine flu. Then, I see her come outside in a tank top... looking pefectly healthy. (it was fairly cold too)

SD said her sister is feeling better today but she was really sick on Saturday. Of course, she also said she spent the day with her mom... that her mom took her to the movies and then they all went to visit the BF's exW for an hour. I know that's not true because BF's exW told me that BF came by with the kids and BM was at a festival in a booth for her employer. (so she is still apparently working) and if BM knew how long they stayed, she would have gone ballistic. So, SD is covering for her mom too. She said she spent the day with mom when she didn't. It really is quite sad

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 10:57AM
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oh wow Ima. (((HUGS))) Good for you for staying calm and not allowing the situation to escalate.

The woman is CRAZIER than CRAZY.

How did SD seem after all this drama? I'm not blaming you guys at all and totally think you did the right thing by calling, but it is just so unfortunate when the police have to get involved when kids are there. :( BTDT and it sucks.


    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 12:02PM
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BM is psycho! is ther any way you guys could do a supervised exchange so you don't have to deal with her directly? I know some states have "neutral" parties where a child can be picked up and dropped off without the parents having to even see each other? this might be best for your SD mental health...
I don't think she's knocked up either....if she really was, she would wouldn't be that balistic about "outsiders at school" knowing.......crazy...........

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 2:05PM
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oh gawd... how ridiculous!!! I was curious too how sd reacted to the whole blown out scene. What a poor excuse for a parent... heck even an adult.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 4:01PM
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The how 'do you get SD to understand her mom making her lie for her is WRONG' part was the hardest thing for me - that's what I find the saddest. SD lies and excuses and lies . . . and I only hope someday she figures it out like my SD did. It's so hard to keep your cool when you find out ANOTHER lie SD is telling for her mom.

On a seperate note - it's too bad you couldn't just back over mom with the car and go. I think that's the only solution for her. She is past looney.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 4:18PM
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all of it in front of the kids, how awful. poor SD.

I suspect BM will accuse you of causing miscarriage. i am pretty sure. awful woman. i haven't heard about grandma for awhile...ha

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 4:45PM
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What a looney! I especially got a kick out of the part where::

" She told me to shut up and then came around to my side of the car and told me to get out. Of course I didn't so she called me a p@ssy!"

You should have quietly told her "No, that's not what I am. The word you're looking for is 'Lady'. "

Part of me suspects you're right about the pregnancy being fake. But the other part of me says: No - She sounds like exactly the type of person that seems to pop out unplanned kid after unplanned kid after unplanned kid....

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 4:50PM
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Sadly, SD says she no longer wants to see her counselor. She was crying when she got in the car. We asked her a few questions... stuff like how was school, did she study her spelling words, practice her clarinet, and what did she eat for lunch... just stuff to not think about what just happened. Then we stopped at McDonalds, we gave her hugs and DH talked to her more. He apologized that she had to hear anything and let her know that nobody is upset with her... he said he doesn't know why her mom is so upset. SD relaxed a lot. Usually, she is very sullen and won't talk at all so I see that as an improvement. I cringe to think she heard her mom tell her dad that he isn't really her dad. DH was so upset that when we got home, he said he is going to make her take a DNA test. Of course, after he calmed down, I asked him if he REALLY needs one? BM was just saying that to be nasty and if she ever says that to SD, she is only going to hurt HER relationship with her own daughter. I also pointed out that if he were to learn she is not biologically his, would it change his feelings? I told him that if he put SD through a DNA test now, it would only hurt HIS relationship with her... regardless of how it turned out. She is his daughter and that's all that matters.

If someone had told me five years ago that BM would be doing half this crap, I would not have believed it.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2009 at 5:09PM
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Ima - this is disgusting and ridiculous! I wish I knew anything to say that hadn't already been said before. She is a terrible person for putting her daughter through this.

Question - you never mentioned who told you BM was pregnant? I'm assuming SD did because you never said BM did (unless I missed it somewhere). You said BF's XW told you.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2009 at 6:15PM
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Ashley, before our last court hearing, I googled her email address and there it was... she posted it on 'babyfit.com' and gave just enough detail to figure out it was her...

I told BF's exW about a week before they told her.. she thanked me because it gave her time to absorb it and not react. It was a shock to her because BF has been telling her for a while he was wanting to end things with BM. Of course, I tried to tell her I don't believe BM is REALLY pregnant due to her telling DH that she can't have kids, but then we started to believe it since she started wearing baggy clothes... well,I am still skeptical, even more so after she thrusts herself into a predicted situation where she can try to claim a miscarriage. (either from the stress of hoping I would get physical with her)

The only new development is that our attorney thinks DH might have a shot at supervised visitation and an order to keep her from coming outside (which would be EASY to get) and then her counselor pretty much said the same thing. He got a message from BM that was pretty nasty and it's clear to him that BM is putting SD through the wringer. He says if it continues, it would be in SD's best interest to see her mom with a supervisor or not at all... that the things SD is being told are very damaging to her emotionally.

DH is going to see how things go in the next couple of weeks before he decides to go back to court. We are pretty confident that he would get supervised with this last incident, but he doesn't want to do that... more for SD's sake than BM's obviously.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2009 at 6:35PM
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"We are pretty confident that he would get supervised with this last incident, but he doesn't want to do that... more for SD's sake than BM's obviously. "

I dunno... The whole 'fail school' thing argues pretty persuasively for the need for supervision to me. Not to mention all the other 'usual' BM craziness.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2009 at 7:25PM
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Sweeby, I agree but we all know that if it's supervised, she won't do it... she is not going to expend the energy, time or money to do it. We believe that would be her choice, her problem and her loss... but at the same time, we know we will have to deal with the fallout from SD and it might be better to ease into the idea of stopping visits with warnings to BM because we know BM will tell her we are threatening to take away visits and at SD's age, I think she knows her mom is going off the deep end... so when visits finally stop or go to supervised, she won't be shocked and hopefully she won't be as angry about it.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2009 at 7:55PM
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with failing school...it is very hard to prove that mom actually told SD to fail. it is tricky ...

but with her coming outside and screaming and not letting SD out and calling you bad words, she should be on supervised visitations. too much damage to SD. I hope paper work gets collected quickly and DH goes to court. this mom will make SD emotionally unstable

    Bookmark   October 7, 2009 at 11:44AM
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Ima - so BM never actually told you or DH herself, correct? Does she think SD told you? Is this the first time you've discussed the pregnancy with BM herself?

I guess what I'm getting at is if she thinks SD told you and DH about the baby, and she really is lying, she might have gotten so angry because now she has no easy way out of the lie. Does that make sense?

Honestly, it's the only reason I can see that she would get so angry. Kind of that "guilty dog barks first" type of thing. See, now with more people (and older and smarter people) knowing about the "pregnancy" it will be a much more difficult task to become "unpregnant". She'll have to re-formulate her plan.

Really, her BF doesn't sound like the brightest bulb in the box. But if she's really not pregnant (which sounds like the set-up here), she may lose him over this. And I'd be willing to bet she's a nervous wreck about that already.

This is going to sound weird, but I think that visits or un-supervised visits should be abruptly cut off. If you "ease" SD into it as you say, you're just giving BM more time to poision SD. But if you do it like ripping off a band-aid, SD may be mad for a little bit, but she won't have weeks or months of brain-washing before-hand.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 6:26PM
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Pray for menopause.
(at least hers)

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 6:32PM
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Though why post a fake pregnancy on the Internet?

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 7:00PM
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No, she never actually told us. DH says it's because she told him several years ago she had a surgery and that was the end of her having kids. (She told him that BEFORE he met me). It may have been a lie. She knew he didn't want anymore kids, so maybe she hoped telling him that might make a difference. I don't know if she wanted him back at that time or what was going on, so I don't even want to guess. But, she told him that and now she's telling BF she's pregnant so she's lying to SOMEONE.... and BF was standing there when BM went on her tirade & I did not miss the opportunity to ask her [calmly of course] "I thought you couldn't have kids anymore?" to which she ignored my question and changed the subject, but I'm sure her BF heard me ask... and her ignore.

According to his exW, the BF feels trapped and I agree, he's not the brightest! I think she lost him BEFORE she ever told him she was pregnant and made it up to buy herself time... I don't know what her plan is/was or if she even thought that far out or even had a plan. I don't know why she would consider it a secret if she posted it on the internet back in July.

She claims I 'tricked' SD into telling me so I told her that I read it on the internet a while back (I was worried she would think SD told me and she might be angry at SD for blabbing, but she didn't blab) The only reason that I told SD that I knew, was out of concern that she was failing in school because she might be pre-occupied by her mom's secret.

Funny thing: BM didn't even want to discuss the grades issue. She said if SD is failing, it's because we aren't doing a good job.. blah blah blah. TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!!!

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 7:06PM
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"Though why post a fake pregnancy on the Internet?"

Why fight tooth & nail for custody for seven months (spending thousands in attorney/court fees)... then hand over the child three weeks later?

Why post a blog in September 2008, announcing a wedding in May 2009... saying the food has already been purchased?

Why tell all the kids there is going to be a wedding, show them the dresses (yes, she's bought two dresses) and tell them what their role is going to be... when there can't be a wedding with BF, until there is a divorce from hubby #1?

Why cancel weekends with her kids to go do fun kid stuff with his kids... and lie to her kids, saying she's injured so they are home worrying that mom's hurt while she is out with BF's kids?

Why tell the child you are pregnant and explain what a miscarriage is and tell the child that's why you don't want her dad to know?

I cannot explain why BM does everything she does.... it used to drive me crazy to try and understand her or try to understand where she's coming from... but it's impossible to understand crazy.

I can 'assume' to know why she did it. I think she wanted me to find it. I think she knows from the last trial that I do a google search before court hearings... Maybe she hoped we would react back in summer when SD was still there. (This was before the last hearing and maybe she thought we'd call her on it and cause her 'stress' so she could "miscarry" but we had NO intention of ever bringing it up with her.. it has nothing to do with our concern, which is SD) The funny thing is, I was telling DH that she was getting to a point where she would normally begin to show more (about 4 months) and warned him to expect her to try to cause 'stress' in one way or another and not get pulled into it. So, the whole incident was not unexpected, sadly it was predicted... with pretty good accuracy.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 8:24PM
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And didn't Grandma say a conversation with Dad made her faint or something? And Mom tried to use that in court?

I'm thinking the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 8:39PM
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Ima, I really think she has some sort of Personality Disorder. Not sure which one, but they have alot of info online, and my DH's ex DEFINITELY has one...and your DH's ex sounds ALOT like my DH's ex...:D

This is a really good site, and there are others. On some, you could even try to diagnose BM, scary eh?! Also, I know that some people have a combination of one or more personality disorders, so she could be like a Narcissist with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (just an example, I don't think she has OCD but the Narcissist, now that sounds more like it!!)


    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 8:44PM
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That's right -- I forgot all of the other ridiculous 'Why?' issues.
But you're wise to have figured out that you can't understand Crazy...

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 9:01PM
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Shannon, I sort of agree with you. I guess what has me shaking my head so hard is that when I first met her, she seemed like a nice, normal, involved, all around 'great' mom. I have a bit of background in social services & psychology/sociology, and I have developed a better intuition over the years.. a better judge of character, or so I thought.

I've smacked myself upside the head for actually suggesting to DH, before we got engaged, "wouldn't it be great if we had a few acres of property where BM could live in one house and we can live in another and SD could kinda live with both parents so close!" HOW NAIVE WAS I???

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 9:22PM
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Ima, ((((((Hugs)))))), I could be your twin, I used to be the same way....always trying to be nice and see the good in everyone, but like Sweeby says, we have to stay away from the CRAZY!! Even now, every once in awhile, I am like, "oh we could do that for her" or "we should help with that" and then I am like "STOP ENABLING, STOP being ridiculous!!" At least I can stop myself, and you too, can stop yourself and not fall for the BS anymore!!

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 11:47PM
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"You can't fix stupid"

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:10AM
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ha ha short and to the point ceph.

Ima- How do you and DH plan to deal with SD not wanting to go to the counselor anymore. Are you just going to let it go? I was wondering about it last night and kept thinking I hope that poor girl continues to go... but I suppose it is hard to do when she says she doesnt want to. Like I said just wondering.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 10:01AM
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I had to try 3 different counselors before I found one my D liked. Someone can be a great counselor but just not a fit with your child. My D wanted someone younger (but yes this woman is mature and has phd) -- it can be viewed as petty, but its a personal thing.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 10:18AM
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I asked her why she doesn't want to see him since she has liked him and she said that she doesn't like him anymore because he told her she would never live with her mom again.

We sat her down and explained that he did not tell her that. I was there and heard what he told her and I reiterated what he said, which is that there are set family laws that the court MUST follow and that it's very hard to change custody. What the counselor told her is that her mom CHOSE to move away and that if she didn't ask the court to take her, but left her with her father... then the court is not likely to take her away from her father unless there is a good reason because it would punish her father since he had no say in her mother moving and it would not be fair to him. As long as dad wants her and is taking care of her, there isn't much her mom can do to change custody. And he added that the court instructed her mom to do an evaluation to see if there is a good reason to let her move to her mom's and her mom has CHOSEN not to do it... so, failing in school is not going to be a reason to change her to her mom, it's more reason to keep her at her dad's, where it's stable.

I suppose her mom may have been so angry that she insisted SD should not go see the counselor and SD is now saying she doesn't want to go. When we were in the driveway, BM told me that I had NO business being there and I am not to go with her to her counselor. She called me a liar when I said SD asked me to be there and there is no point in even arguing with the woman. She wasn't there and just wanted to fight. She obviously doesn't care enough to come to school conferences or counseling appointments (DH had told her about it so she could be there) but she wants to control what is said or done at them.... or just cause a big ruckus, using them as an excuse. At this point, SD does not have any more appointments with her counselor but she will see him again if she needs it. She likes him and even she knows her 'excuse' was weak and it's her mother speaking. Her mother has no say in the matter unless she wants to take the time and effort to do something about it. I'm a little bit past caring that she is BM and worrying about stepping on HER toes!

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:31PM
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Ima, I'm so sorry about the counselling for your SD. It sounds like it was helping her. Maybe if you and DH can sit her down and say to her "do you feel that this counselling is helping you" and see what she says. Sometimes they need to go to counselling too just to vent what is going on. WHy does th counsellor have you guys present? I know with my Sd's, the counsellor met with them and if they wanted, the counsellor would then meet with us to re-cap what was going on. I guess the big problem with that was that they can then tell the counsellor anything they want to, and it could be untrue and then you have more problems. For example, with us, they would tell the counsellor all kinds of garbage (alot of it was to get attention, the younger one told us later on!) and then it just led to more counselling, if you know what I mean...it was a vicious circle...

As well as "you can't fix stupid", my DH always says "Don't mess with the CRAZY people!!"

    Bookmark   October 9, 2009 at 1:46PM
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