the reluctance

yabberOctober 24, 2009

Why is it so hard for FDH to discipline his kids? I sit here all annoyed and I wonder :-(

They are not difficult kids, but some things need to be taught, they will not start doing it on their own accord unless somebody points it out. Come on!! FDH (like so many) chooses to not notice anything, but I do and I feel annoyed.

It's the little things, SD13 still doesn't eat with her mouth closed so we all enjoy her eating her snack. And after there's a drink, which both skids slurp, followed by a loud burp. Lovely. SD11 picks her toenails while SD13 works on her thumb nails, tomorrow morning I'll find the leftovers on the couch, hmmm.

I just don't understand the reluctance for FDH to parent the kids. It's not as if he needs to get angry which would spoil the mood, just ask them to eat with their mouth closed/not slurp. It's not that hard!

FDH doesn't think it's important enough to make a fuss over, these skids have much bigger problems to deal with. I find it a lame excuse for not parenting them, because as I said; it doens't need to be a big deal, just steer them in the right direction, it won't ruin the night, they will not hate him forever and ever...

FDH just doesn't want to do it because he worries the skids won't like it here anymore if they have to do all these hard things like 'eat with your mouth closed' or 'turn the tv off after they are done watching it'..

What is it with these men?? What are they setting themselves up for?

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It seems that there are two types of men: ones who never say "no" to their kids and refuse to discipline and the ones who always critisize everything what kids do.

My SO coomplains that his DD28 is so demanding and spolied like if she doesn't get expensive gifts she is pouting. So he is seriously puzzled why she is this way. well because he never said "no" out of fear of upsetting her, it needed to be done when she was little, let her pout. Of course it is too late now.

My Xhusband never had a problem to tell DD what she did wrong and make corrections, some were reasonable and some were bizzare and unnecessary such as him critisizing the way she wears her hair (what's his business?). he got better as DD got older, so he doesn't critisize as much.

But seriously...My dad always critisized everything we did while my brother never ever says "no" to his kids. Why such extremes with men?

Puzzling. yes i think it is fear that kids won't like it there anymore. I think it is bizzare atttitude. SO literally is terrified DDs will not talk to him if he doesn't please them constantly (espcially the older one). he says it to me all the time. How silly.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 10:35AM
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You're upset with FDH because you are there witnessing both his children's behavior and him not doing anything about it, but you're not thinking it is also their mother who isn't parenting the children. If she were, you wouldn't have anything to witness. See there, it's not just "these men." I know a young lady whom I had to tell "You don't allow your children to climb your furniture." Her response was to ask "What's wrong with it?" To which I replied, if you don't teach them at home, they will take their bad behavior with them and climb other people's furnture (which they did at my house) and in public places you take them to." I think people don't consider the things they, themselves, don't do. They don't eat with their mouth open. They don't stand on people's dining room table, climb over top the sofa, or swing on the refrigerator door. There is no thought of doing those things and the reason is their parents taught them not to do them. But then, there's no thought of being taught in retrospect because they don't remember it, so their own children will become well-adjusted, well-behaved, and mannerable adults one day somehow by osmosis like they think they did. FDH needs to be reminded of the things he doesn't do as a way to illuminate his neglect. And, show him how it will reflect on him by painting the image of his daughter smacking, slurping, and picking her toenails in front of company and as a guest in other people's homes.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 10:47AM
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In my expereince most women do not have a problem to tell the kids how it is. They aren't scared that kids will leave and never come back (maybe because most kids do live wiht their mothers) . Agree that mothers also parent their children, but yabber isn't there when mom is, she is there only observing their dad saying nothing to his kids.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 11:23AM
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The things you mention sound annoying, but are they really worth fighting over?

With kids you have to focus on the big picture and pick the things that are most important. Nobody is perfect and picking at them will not result in perfection.

So what I suggest is you pick one behavior that really needs to be fixed and mention it to your fdh. If you approach him with a "list" he may be more defensive.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 11:29PM
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I usually advocate leaving the discipline up to the parent, but in this case I would step in and tell them they can't eat that way at my table. That should let you know whose side your FDH is going to be on. Better to find it out now than latter.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2009 at 5:13PM
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We didn't have a fight about it, I chose not to say anything that night.

It's a good point that there's 2 parents who raise these kids, even though they do it separately. But yes, I don't see what goes on at BM's and I do see that FDH is not doing his bit. At the moment..

There's a bit of a pattern here: FDH agrees that he should be more consistent, it's not that we are not on the same page. It's the fear of pushing the kids away that sneaks in every now and then, and that's when he (conveniently) decides not to notice the behavior. This usualy happens when the skids are having a bit of a hard time. BM has had another baby and the skids feel guilty for leaving her alone (ex-fiancee has moved out), which is understandable and I feel for them. But FDH ends up walking on egg shells :-(

    Bookmark   October 25, 2009 at 10:26PM
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I would just say sometimes dad's dont see those things.... I know in my situation when SD is with us - i don't discipline her at all - but i will however try to help and teach her lady-like things.

Like for instance (some things from this summer's visit) - if she is wearing a skirt - remind her that if she doesn't sit with legs together we will see her undies - although i made sure she had on shorts underneath. Or reminding her after she sat near me on the couch to wipe well after using the bathroom - cause i smelled her - and her response was daddy never told me to wipe or wash her hands all the time, or that farting in public was not lady-like outloud and laughing about it.

I understand that FDH may feel like he is walking on eggshells after reading about his situation. Maybe just mentioning some Lady-Like qualities could help out when they are in FDH home and you witness it. Heck i know my DH is all man and really doesn't know that somethings can be protrayed to SD as it is cool not to be a little lady or learn how to be a little lady.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 10:24AM
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