Sometimes I just don't know WHAT to do with my emotions.
I feel them so strongly at times and then I feel like crap about it. But I can't "turn them off" either.
I just feel like I will never 100% warm up to SS. I keep him at such an arm's length, now. It's been too many years of problems via BM. From the time he was 2 until, really, this past summer, she has done everything she could to ensure his loyalty to her.
Heck, it's not even that I have a problem with THAT. She IS his mom and I don't expect him to be "loyal" to me. But she's always made it clear to him that SHE viewed me as a threat, as competition, and therefore, it has made it really hard for him to view me with anything other than suspicious eyes.
You all know the history.
I will say things are better now than ever. SS has matured a lot and he isn't the way he used to be. He doesn't (knock wood) make stuff up anymore and he seems to be past the whole phase of trying to get a reaction from mom. Things have been pretty peaceful for 4 months now, and SS himself has been much more positive towards me ever since the April incident.
BUT it's hard for me to undo all the emotions that led me to feel tense when he was around. I STILL DO. I feel like I walk on eggshells when he is around. The dynamic totally changes when we go from one kid to two kids, which is to be expected, but sometimes 50-50 just feels so stressful. I can only imagine how it is for SS if it stresses ME out this much.
Anyway, HERE is where I just feel GUILTY. SS is off school half day tomorrow and all day Friday.
I will pick him up at 3:30 today. Then tomorrow at 12:30 pm. Then he will be home w/me on Friday. DH will work on Sat. for probably half a day. (DD will be home then, too, of course.)
Anyway---I'm just not looking forward to all the time with SS. It's not that I am dreading it or anything like that---I'm just neutral about it.
BUT if DD were off school, I WOULD be looking forward to time with her.
And then the other night BM called DH and offered to have SS on Friday during the day b/c she knows he is off school. She said something about missing him so terribly when he's with us, and she would love to spend extra time with him.
AUGGHHHH. Then I just feel SO "bad" because I don't feel that way. Does that make me a horrible person that I don't?
Then I'm rather annoyed, too, because DH turned her down---and I feel like I don't want to say "let him go w/BM" because then that gives DH the impresssion that I don't want to be w/SS.
And it's not that I don't....it's just....I don't know...no matter how close our family gets, I feel like I am babysitting.
Does that make sense? How can I feel better about all this? Good lord. After nearly 6 years, you would think think I would be past all this.
I also feel EXTREMELY GUILTY when I have SS with me and not DD. How do I get over that? and what is that about anyway?
PLEASE no nasty comments. I am not proud of the way I feel, I don't like it, I kick myself for feeling this way...so I don't need anyone to make me feel worse, I need helpful ADVICE on how to improve my own emotions.