This should be fun!

pseudo_momOctober 25, 2011

So apparently she's had it with her f'n kids she told them all yesterday as she was dropping them off at school .. that they are with dad for the week because she can't take them anymore ....

SD started a new med last week for her anxiety ... so yesterday SD had an anxiety attack at school so the school nurse and mom decided to tell SD all about what the side effects of the medication is and that it won't work for several days so SD went into complete mental breakdown so much so they wanted to have her evaluated at a place for children ... once brought there its a 72 hour admission to evaluate ... SD wanted to go mom did not want her to go so she went to the school and picked her up immediately ... called hubby after she picked up the kid and proceeded to tell hubby while SD was in the car all this stuff about the SD and meds hubby again repeated I hope she is not hearing you it does not get through to her that she should not be saying whats on her mind in front of her kids and then she wonders why they treat her like $h!t ...

This has been brewing for some time with mom not wanting to be around her kids ... Now it would be a good thing for the kids to be away from her ... but not if they are going to start treating us the way they treat her ...

While I was at work last night ... SD again had another anxiety attack over her mother. It just drives me nutz that when she wanted custody of the kids she shopped them around from counselor to counselor for her benefit but now that her kid really needs someone to talk to she can't be bothered ... I think because she knows now that the kids will speak their minds not hers and someone else will tell her she is a bad parent! and she wants no part of that ...

So this morning the boys head off to school ... and I say to hubby are you going to get SD ready for school he says ... she is not allowed at school today! what does that mean he says she can't go today I ask is she suspended he said no they just don't want her back until she is evaluated ... ok I say, I don't know what to say or ask at this point.... other than if I need you your coming home right? ... or I am just leaving her here alone not going to be bullied in my own home ... he answers I'll try but if not just leave her here ok great now that we have that covered :)

I fear that it will be too easy for mom to walk away again ... granted time away from her would be best for the kids but not going through the heartache from them would be best ... when I first met hubby she rarely saw the kids ... once or twice a month for a couple hours at a time. He had to repeatedly take her to court for visitation and/or support ... your money or your time!

So hopefully I make it through this week without having to be evaluated myself :)

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Once my school district decides there is need for an eval, the kid will not be allowed back until completed. For them it's not all about just the child getting 'help' but for the safety and well being of all the other students. While they can't 'make' BM do this, they can bar the child from coming back unless it is done.

You very well may be correct in that BM is scared of what this eval turns up. DH/BM are in for a long week if BM thinks she can hid from this. For the child's sake, I hope the eval is allowed and that they find what and how much meds are required to settle the attacks. Anxiety attacks are scary stuff to the person having one. They can be quite expensive too if the person suddenly has to be rushed to the ER because they might be having a heart attack blah blah (if only in their head). BM has sole custody of your SD, does Dh get any say in what happens next as far as medical care or forcing a proper eval on SD?

    Bookmark   October 25, 2011 at 9:07AM
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No real clue what the school said ... mom only said today but I am sure that will change ... SD was diagnosed 3 years ago with anxiety at the age of 9 ...

No he doesn't have a say he can suggest but it will not get him anywhere ... SD begged the dr for something last week mom told the dr she didnt need anything she was coping well ... but SD begged again so mom couldn't say no with out looking like a bad parent!

The med is one that you increase daily to full dose ... takes about a week for it to become effective she is on day 6 ... begins with a P ends in L 5 letters :)

I am giving myself anxiety thinking about how this day/week is going to play out!

    Bookmark   October 25, 2011 at 9:43AM
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Day 3 of not going to school ... meds supposedly kicked in yesterday ... hubby told her she had to go to school today ..... she ran to her room and starting calling him and texting him no clue what I am sure it was along the lines of she is not going .... so this morning he gets the boys up ... I ask about SD he says not today ... mom's ex bf (yeah you read that right) found SD a psychiatrist who will go to school so she isn't going today ... ok ...

I feel SD is now manipulating hubby into her game ...yes she has anxiety but I think she is exaggerating because she will not be held accountable for anything so I have to let this go to .... I am actually having an easy time with this one ... because she is not attacking me ... she ignores me all day does not speak to me which is a good thing because it will end up in a fight. Hubby has promised if she starts he will come home immediately ( he knows I will have her removed if she does start and no one shows up)

    Bookmark   October 27, 2011 at 8:42AM
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Honestly, I can't imagine how you can stand it. I do my best to ignore a lot of the things SD does but once she gets to me, once she knows I'm annoyed/irritated... it's on. She'll smirk. Then I start beating myself up for not being able to fully ignore it. I suffered from an anxiety disorder at least 8-10 years ago. Finally, I just had my doctor put me back on anxiety medication this week. I've always been a very patient person, I can tolerate a lot of BS without reacting. I am usually optimistic about things & look for the bright side instead of the down side. The hard thing for me, is for ME to be the one talking to a therapist about MY feelings (and paying more money for it) when I spent two years, hours of my time & thousands of dollars for SD to talk to a therapist about her feelings when her mom left her, but she only spent the time trying to manipulate the therapists into saying she should go live with her mom, which as we now know, wasn't going to happen because mom didn't want to take her... but wasn't going to let her know that. Now that mom has made it clear to SD that she cannot go live there, I've had it! I would LOVE to pack up SD's things and send her packing to the mom that created this crappy mess! DH had opposed it because he knows BM is a horrible role model, lets SD do whatever she wants & never takes responsibility for her actions... now SD is doing the same so why fight it? Daughter wants to be like mother. Let her. But she has figured out how to push my buttons. As much as I try to ignore it, she one ups it until she gets a reaction, then when I've shown the least amount of annoyance, she smirks & it gets worse. Then I get mad at myself for reacting. It's a vicious cycle & so I'm hoping that the anxiety medication helps... and just removing SD from my presence as much as possible. DH seems to care some but is not fully understanding how much this affects our marriage. If his daughter is going to affect my health (and I know she's not the only thing that stresses me out)then my marriage may not survive, even though he has been very supportive & cooperative (as much as he can be... not thinking about what he says sometimes). I've struggled for my health & I'm not gonna let SD or BM put me through much more.

I just have to say that I admire your nerves of steel... wish I could let it roll off my back so easy.

Good luck this week!

    Bookmark   October 27, 2011 at 7:02PM
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OH believe me it has not always been this easy but she is 12 and I will leave her home alone or call the police to have her removed she knows it her mom knows it dad knows it ... I will not be a battered SM from a 12 yo ... if she were older sadly I would pop her in the mouth ... so she is lucky she is still a little kid :)

I have admired you for a long time going through what I go through and you still have to DO for her ... I do nothing for any of them besides dinner ... its really my only family responsibility. :) I will prod dad into saying is your homework done but if he doesn't get the hint oh well I am not the one who has to stay after school because I didn't do my homework

Hoefully your med helps you ... I stated several times to hubby one of us has to be medicated ... SD is finally medicated hope it works ... will never be the same as it was but it can't get much worse :)

I think it helps that I work nights too and do not have to take care of a baby ...

I am sure I shared years ago when SD stopped therapy ... because the therapist told mom SD doesn't want to help her situation she just wants to control it and not improve it ... so she refused to see her anymore. So mom who at this point had "won" custody of SD didn't feel the need to take her anymore .... guess its like A A whats the point if you can't admit theres a problem.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2011 at 7:45PM
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Day 4...Glad I am working all day today :) ... she started on hubby and the boys this morning not going to school but is up at 7 am to start trouble ... meds should have kicked in so apparently meds are not working nor are they the cure all.

She is still nice and pleasant to me but nasty to people who HAVE to love her. She was mean to the cat this morning I asked her to stop that and she did ... she claimed she just wanted to hug the cat, but the cat was growling so I was guessing the cat didn't want to be hugged and she at 12 yrs old needed to be told the cat is growling let her go.

Not going to school all week is not anxiety ... it's defiance!

    Bookmark   October 28, 2011 at 8:33AM
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Oh pseudo -- wowzers -- I have no advice -- I can only offer a shoulder here. As a kid who grew up loving unconditionally the man who I thought hung the moon but who never really cared enough to be a dad or even want me around, I feel for your sd but as an adult and a parent, I feel for what you deal with. You are so strong, I don't know how you do it AND still love your husband. I tend to run from my problems so I don't know if I could ever say that I would be able to seperate the sd issues from loving my husband-- I think I wouldn't be able to stay if I were you. Big hugs!!

I can't remember what age I was but I know the defiance started in 6th grade and I was 11 and I wanted to live with my dad more than anything in the world. I also hated my mom and stepdad's very strict rules. My God I wasn't even allowed to talk on the phone past 8pm!! The rudeness of those people!! So mom let me go live with my dad and within a week, I was begging to go home. Mom made me stay for two years. She was there for me though. She got me every weekend. She was at every cheer event, every fundraiser, every volleyball game and paid for it all. My dad (who I lived with) never once attended a sporting event nor did he pay for one. I still thought he hung the moon. When I finally went back to my mom's and it basically took me manipulating them in to letting me go back -- i never went back to my dad's. I can blame his absence on the mistakes I've made in my life, especially with men. I've had three therapists tell me it was his fault but I know in order to move on and learn from those mistakes I have to take responsibility for my own actions and not blame my crappy childhood on my adult life. Anyway -- my point is: even as a kid who thought the crappy parent hung the moon, I still can't understand why I did or why any kid does it but for some reason, the absent/non caring parent is always gold in the child's eyes. To put the blame on the parent that deserves it is like admitting that parent is the failure. Like you said, she treats the ones like crap that have to love her. I can't understand why I treated my mom so bad but I would have never stood up to my dad and said what needed to be said. I still can't face him now, it's almost like I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and I don't want to hurt him. Why? I do not know. I don't believe I love him, I would rather just not talk to him or even deal with the past, I just want him out of my life and I don't want to discuss it. I don't know why your sd treats you the way she is or why she is so bold in her contempt against you. I was always scared to treat my SM's bad(yes multiple) but never scared of my mom. Sm 2 did a lot for me, I never thought it was enough though. I remember when I moved in with them, she fixed up my room so pretty. New bedding, new paint, nice dresser and vanity table with a gorgeous chair. I told her it was ugly. I hated it. Why?? Just anger I guess. It's so sad that your sd is so good at manipulation because if she doesn't wake up at some point and see what she is doing, her future is going to suck. She will be miserable for a long time. I'm lucky I woke up and started seeing my mom as the good parent that loved me, my stepdad as the dad I never would have had except that he chose me and my dad was the one that I was angry at and the one who deserved the blame. And I went through some antidepressants and some therapy and some really rough struggles. My stepdad and I butted heads for some years as he was the strict parent and I thought he was just making my mom be mean to me 'just cuz' ... I can report that about 12 years ago, at 19 we just started bonding, he had been my stepdad for 14 years by then... And we are very close. Almost too close, my mom jokes that we talk more than her and I talk and she feels left out. He is my rock. He is the man I measure all men to. It took a long time, a lot of heartache and very bad behavior but I finally straightened up and 'got it'. I know right now, you probably don't care about that but I just wanted to share.

I hope the meds start working. If not, it should be readdressed to the dr. And you are right, I do not believe that anxiety is keeping SD out of school, I think she is playing the little victim and come Monday, her booty better be back in school or dad seriously needs to consider the evaluation. I wonder what would happen if he took her for one without mom's consent. Would mom press this in the courts?? Is he worried about contempt charges? Because at this point, what is mom going to say 'she is so out of control, I can't deal with her, but I don't think she is so out of control that she needs to see someone and be evaluated... But she shouldn't go to school for however long she feels she shouldnt'. That would go over great!!!

    Bookmark   October 29, 2011 at 1:06AM
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