Good enough to buy cupcakes!

lovehadleyOctober 30, 2009

BM called DH at about 1 pm yesterday.

Apparently, she had signed up to bring 20 cupcakes for SS's Halloween party at school but "forgot about it" until the room mom called and reminded her. And of course---she fails to mention this to DH until an hour before the party.

She told DH she had NO MONEY and there was no way she could get the cupcakes and could he get them to school by 2:20??

DH said there was no way, he was at work (about 20 mins in the opposite direction) and that he'd been planning on getting to school for the parade/party, but didn't think he'd have time to stop and get cupcakes.

So of course--she asked him if I could get them!

HAHAHAHAHA. I love it. She has SUCH nerve.

I'm not "allowed" to do anything with SS that would promote me bonding with him, or us having a good relationship---but darn it all, if I'm saving BM's skin, I can sure do it! I don't even really care-if it were a notmal situation and things were generally pleasant, no problem. But she is just so god-awful with me, and makes it crystal clear to DH that she is threatened by me...but it's all good if I am helping her out!

DH relayed this to me and told me not to worry about it, that BM could and should figure it out herself.

I happened to be out and about anyway, so it wasn't a problem getting them. I just knew that if I didn't---SS wouldn't have any cupcakes at his party, and I didn't have the heart for that. (Truth be told---DH would have probably gotten them if I hadn't.)

I just told DH that I refused to take them up to the schoool and run into BM--so I left them at home and DH swung by the house on the way to school, as we only live a few blocks away, and grabbed them.

But here is the amusing part. So I guess the room mom had called BM yesterday morning to remind her about the cupcakes and BM told DH she was "b*tchy*" to her when BM said she couldn't. (and obviously so! When parents volunteer to bring things....they should bring them!) But of course---BM did not tell HER that it was b/c she didn't have any money. No, she told this room mother that it was because she was "pregnant and didn't want to be schlepping around in the rain."

So--DH said he about fell over laughing---b/c mind you, BM is only about 8-10 wks preggo and not even really showing. The room mom came over to BM at the party and said something along the lines of "oh, it's you...somehow from the way you were talking about not being able to go to the store, I had pictured some woman 9 months pregnant with a huge belly."

HAHAHAHAHAHA. DH said BM was really squirming around at that one!

She is just too much.

Had to get that out!

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It's unfortunate BM is so insecure. Next time she calls DH (and there will be a next time) DH should tell her to CALL YOU DIRECTLY because he doesn't know your schedule. If she refuses to call you, oh well. Believe me, in time (and it won't take long) she'll have your number memorized!

I think once she is forced to deal with you directly, the dynamic of your relationship with BM will change dramatically. DH is in middle (bad place to be) and quite frankly, I would rather BM call me than DH anyway.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 9:10AM
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After her fit last week, if it weren't so sad, it'd be funny. But at least SS got his party (and treats) and hopefully was spared the details behind the happening--his cupcakes arrived, all he needs to care about.

Your soooo much nicer than I, I would have been real tempted to run out, buy the treats after being asked, swing by the office of school with them and state to the office "Oh, I'm LH, _____'s SM and his BM asked me to run by and pick up these cupcakes she forgot to buy herself and drop them off. Could you see they get to his room please?".

Would just have been my small way of leaving the school scratching it's head wondering why BM demands SM be nowhere near the school/events, yet perfectly okay if it's when BM wants/needs to 'allow' it. Would give them some sense of how things really are and might help them know how to handle BM when she starts demanding at the school again.

I might get scolded from KKNY for that thought or action--how dare me shine bad light on BM--but in this case BM wants her 'cake' and to be able to abuse it too. Sick SS, no problem. Save buns with cupcakes, no problem. Attend reading hour, how dare you?

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 9:45AM
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I think Justmetoo's idea is great - I know why you don't want to see her, but I totally would have done that. I have a deep seeded problem with people who can act how she does and then expect the people she walks all over to help her. I just won't do it - guess I'm not a big enough person.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 10:15AM
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Agree agree agree with the two "Justs" :) It made me think of Jane Eyre:

"...If people were always kind and obedient to those who are cruel and unjust, the wicked people would have it all their own way: they would never feel afraid, and so they would never alter, but would grow worse and worse. When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should - so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again." ~Jane Eyre

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 10:25AM
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'"Oh, I'm LH, _____'s SM and his BM asked me to run by and pick up these cupcakes she forgot to buy herself and drop them off. Could you see they get to his room please?"'

LMAO! Greatness! I would TOTALLY do something like this!

Love the quote, Silversword! I think I'm going to make that my life's new motto!

This reminds me of when BM asked DH to ask me to make a turkey for that all-consuming extra-curricular activity I have metioned before. That was AFTER she made SD come home to stay with SF while she was at work. And it was also AFTER she guilted SD into ditching going to the movies with me (planned all day) to choose going to the movies with them (planned after they found out she and I were going to the movies while DH had to run to work for a couple hours).

Of course I did it because I love SD and was very involved in her stuff (as much as BM would allow, anyway). But I was pretty disgusted with myself for doing it.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 10:39AM
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I can't believe her excuse of not wanting to go out in the rain! I think it is so funny that the room mom totally called her out on it!

I like everyone's idea of bringing the cupcakes to school and saying "Oh, I'm LH, _____'s SM and his BM asked me to run by and pick up these cupcakes she forgot to buy herself and drop them off. Could you see they get to his room please?"'
Thats hilarious!!

I would be tempted to contact the room mom and tell her that if they need anything for class parties in the future she is welcome to call you and dh.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 11:21AM
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you are realtivelly new here. background: lovehadley has a restriction order against DH's Ex. Ex not to be anywhere near lovehadley. Exwife physically assaulted lovehadley in the past, so she could not contact her directly (unless exwife wants to get in trouble). -but crazy woman think it is OK to ask lovehadley for cupcakes

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 11:27AM
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LoveHadley, sorry this is happening with BM. Do you keep some sort of documentation of these things, I think I remember you saying that you do....good grief, she's really off her rocker, eh?!! What a nutbar....You can't read to SS but you CAN bring cupcakes!! Too bad your DH just doesn't answer when it's her, I think somehow it's giving her "encouragement"...:(

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 11:40AM
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"Too bad your DH just doesn't answer when it's her, I think somehow it's giving her "encouragement"...:("


When DH stopped answering BM's calls and insisted everything be in email or text, she texted him to death.... So, he had to change it to email only unless it's a life & death emergency. The only way to get them to stop is by ignoring the stupid stuff. Her volunteering for a school thing has NOTHING to do with you or your DH. There is nothing to feel guilty over if SHE fails to follow through. She makes herself look bad and buying the cupcakes is going to tell her that she can screw up and you or your DH will bail her out. She WILL do it again, because now she knows (if she didn't before) that your love of SS is your soft spot and she will attack using that. It will be so sad for SS because he will be caught in the middle because HE is the weapon she can use to get to you.

How very sad! DH should not have answered his phone & nobody should have bought cupcakes... and tell SS how sorry you are that he's disappointed if he mentions it later... but you didn't know anything about it. (and that would be true if DH would stop answering her calls!)

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 11:49AM
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"I would be tempted to contact the room mom and tell her that if they need anything for class parties in the future she is welcome to call you and dh."

Funny because DH said the same thing. He planned on emailing the room mom today and adding me to the class email roster.

I would have dropped them off in the office and said that...but ya bad as this may sound, I really could care less about any drama BM may want to start at school. I am so on the perimeter with all that and it's fine. I ADORE my DD's school and am super-involved there. I really just don't care what people think at SS's school. That is not to say that I want them to think badly of me by any means---but just that I know BM is always going to be at his school and I am fine with that. I'm pleasant and friendly on the occasions I am there, but I don't plan on ever being a "big" presence there.

She won't say anything to the teacher about me anyway---or if she does--haha, I would find it amusing. DH met with the school counselor, teacher AND principal right before the start of the school year and gave them all the background---ie, BM drinks, any bizarre/crazy behavior they need to report to him because she is under court order to not drink when she has SS, etc. They know I have the restraining order against her and everything.

So IMO BM would look pretty foolish if she were to go in there sounding off about me spending 30 mins reading with him!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 12:07PM
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"I think once she is forced to deal with you directly, the dynamic of your relationship with BM will change dramatically. DH is in middle (bad place to be) and quite frankly, I would rather BM call me than DH anyway."

Been there, done that.

I have bent over backwards trying to be friendly to this woman. I went to her BABY SHOWER two years ago! I used to take her calls all the time, tried to walk the very thin line between being kind to her and also being supportive of my hubby, etc.

The bottom line--the woman is a crazy alcoholic. She assaulted me in front of SS last April---because she was DRUNK and trying to drive off with SS and I called the police.

Anyway, I now have a restraining order against her. I have a new cell phone number and even after the order is expired, BM will never be given my number again.

She is SS's mom but otherwise---she is OUT of my life. I will not allow her crazy person to disrupt my sanity, threaten me, scare MY child, etc.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 12:12PM
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Ima, 100% agree with your post!! You hit it BANG ON!! It's like a "black hole" and if you keep on, you get sucked in EVERY time...the same thing happens with my DH, he is alot better now,but it used to be awful...Skids would call, BM would call, always Last Minute and "we need help RIGHT NOW,drop everything!! ,or "we need a ride somewhere" , once from skids, it was "Dad, come here NOW and help us pack up our house because we are moving!!" or the famous, "we need $$ for a field trip", "we need our butts wiped" (sorry, that was rude and sarcastic, but that's about the point it got to). I basically said to DH, "if you keep on the way you and invariably, we, are going, we will drop from the stress and the crap of it all". I also told him "we make CHOICES in life, they knowhow to plan ahead and if they can't plan ahead by at least a day or two, hopefully more, then I won't be helping out. You can keep on but I will not let them run or ruin my life." And I understand "emergencies" and when they happen, I help. But we cut down on the bulls#*t by about 85-90%!!!

LoveHadley, if your DH won't do this for you and for HIMSELF, then whenever he calls you, let it ring thru to the ans.machine. and if the message he leaves has to do with a "BM Bullsh*t call", then just don't call back until later. You can say to DH, "sorry I missed your call,I was at the gym, in the shower, etc... Glad you got that sorted out with BM." Your DH will get tired,especially if he is now a "one man show" as you are no longer participating...!! sorry, I just remember how this works and it is SO maddening!!!! >>>> it's very tough...!!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 12:12PM
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"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

A famous quote that should be used more often...

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 1:13PM
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Love the quote Sweeby.

LH I know this has been said before, but your dh needs to stop encouraging bm's behavior! Each time he answers her endless calls and runs to the rescue he is encouraging her behavior!!

He needs to stop answering his cell when she calls (especially when ss is at your home). Let her leave a message and call her back later, when her pretend emergencies are over! If she stops being able to count on dh she may back off a bit, but I am sure she will get worse before better. There may be times when dh gets a crazy amount of calls from her for not answering...but hopefully she will eventually get the message!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 4:00PM
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Lovehadley, I'm sorry your SS's mom is a nutjob, that is a hard and painful situation for you, your SS and your DH. You will probably go through more stressful situations through the years. I've been a stepmom for some time now, and maybe this one little thing I realize will help. Over time, you care less and less about getting "credit" from BM or having her be grateful for the things you do for her child. I used to crave her approval--hey, she is their mom! But slowly, my SD's grew older, I realized that it is really the two of them that I am doing things for.

Your SS will remember those cupcakes, I bet. And he will remember that his mom was not very nice to you, but that you got those cupcakes anyway. Such a decent thing to model to him. And if she resents you, he will probably get some not-so-nice vibes about you from her. Yet the evidence he can see with his own eyes will help neutralize that.

P.S. I hope you don't think I am trying to diminish your annoyance in any way! I would be growling and complaining myself--and, of course, coming here to vent. :)

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 5:07PM
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"Over time, you care less and less about getting "credit" from BM or having her be grateful for the things you do for her child"

This is so true. I think this is kind of what I was getting at when I said I really don't care if the school knows who bought the cupcakes, or not. The same goes for BM.

It doesn't phase me anymore.

I do what I do when SS is with us and that is what matters. I could care less what BM SAYS or THINKS. I've come to the conclusion that she is just an uhappy person and wants everyone else to be unhappy, too, and I won't do that. Mostly--I will not let her dictate my relationship with SS.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 5:25PM
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You need to cut the ex/bio mom out of your life. Tell your husband not to drag you into this, not to mention her at all. Your SS would probably be better off also. No offense, but I have read a lot of your posts about her and I believe you are addicted to the adrenaline rush you get from these episodes. I think you would be bored to death without them.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 6:10PM
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None taken Maime.

I don't get sucked in anymore.

I used to--and yeah, I used to get a perverse sense of satisfaction in being *right* but I don't get that, anymore. I mean, occasionally, I will have the odd chuckle to myself at BM's expense, but trust me---she doesn't live in my head anymore! thank God. I've been there and it wasn't good.

Since April--the last 7 months have been the most peaceful of my relationship with DH. NOT having contact from BM has been so awesome for me. Unfortunately, my DH will not, for whatever reason, cut her out of his life. He takes her calls, relays info, etc. I can't change him, though.

Anyway, if you read through my posts--where I was 1 year ago with her is so much worse than where I am now. I admit, she still bugs me at times---but it is nothing near what it used to be.

You are kind of seeing a skewed view of things, too, because when things happen, I might post about them here. But what's different with me now as opposed to a year ago is that I LEAVE IT HERE now. I don't talk to my family/friends about the drama. Thankfully, the drama is really at a minimun now, but even so---when it does occur---I discuss it HERE and that's that.

So it might *seem* like her BS is affecting me more than it is. That's the great thing, at least for me, about this forum---I have a place to get things out, hear other perspectives, etc. And then it helps me to leave the negativity "online" and to live my life.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2009 at 6:33PM
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Yay to BM's not living 'rent-free' in our heads anymore!!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2009 at 5:33AM
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yup, no free renters!! :D Love, that is great that you don't vent to friends/family anymore about BM. I occasionally vent to my Mum, she is 89 years young though and she usually just listens and says "that woman is CRAZY, don't mess with her!" or "it's a shame she had children because she messed them up and it's sad!" I always say to my Mum after we discuss things that have happened:"thanks for the "therapy", I'll take you to lunch, let's go!"

Honestly though, like you LoveHadley, this forum has done wonders for me too, and I want to say thanks to all of you!! Thanks to you ladies, I feel I have a group of people who understand, can give advice/ideas/input and can tell me if/when I am overreacting or acting like an A$$...!! :D

    Bookmark   October 31, 2009 at 8:31AM
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I am lucky now in the fact that my SS's BM is working just as hard as we are to make a good life for the kids, but she has done her nutty stuff in the past. She has not, however, ever assaulted me, and if she did, I would probably have a hard time not knocking the fire out of her. So, kudos to you for being a bigger person than I'll probably ever be about it.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2009 at 6:59PM
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Alcoholism is a terrible disease. I'm sorry you were sucked down the BMs rabbit hole. It sounds like you've crawled out and have a good handle on how to deal with an alcoholic. I'm surprised the courts allowed her to be the primary custodian. Her illness will take it's toll on your SS as it has (and still is) taking its toll on your DH. Stay the course - we are powerless over alcohol.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2009 at 11:09AM
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"I'm surprised the courts allowed her to be the primary custodian"

She is not, DH is residential parent.

DH really shot himself in the foot, though, with documentation for her for YEARS. He had so much possible ammo---her showing up drunk at swim lessons, SS was almost kicked out of preschool b/c BM kept getting into fights w/the teachers, and she had to eventually sign something saying she would no longer enter the classroom and converse w/the teachers. She showed up at DH's house drunk at least 10 times in the first 3 yrs of our relationship and not once did DH call the cops.

He always said it was b/c he felt as long as she didn't drink when she had SS,it didn't affect him. Now I think it's b/c they had a codependant relationship that continued even after they split. I also think he was TERRIFIED of going to court b/c every time he threatened, BM said "well, I am going to get full cust. and you will only get every other weekend!" DH was terrified of losing time with his son.

Anyway, so when the drinking finally got SO BAD that DH had no choice but to take her to court--he had a lot of accusations of stuff over the years but, unfortunately, not a lot of proof.

The second go around the courts FINALLY listened somewhat and BM was court-ordered to sign an agreement that she will not consume alcohol when SS is with her. If she is ever caught violating, DH will probably get full custody and BM visitation.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2009 at 11:23AM
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