Updating some good news

lovehadleyOctober 24, 2009

It's 3 AM and I am wide awake! I had an outpatient laparoscopy yesterday---the best news is I do NOT have tubal blockage like my old RE thought!

I had moderate endometriosis!!!! He was able to remove it all! I am so excited--DH and I should be able to conceive on our own now!

Anyway, I went to bed at 7 pm last night but now I am wide awake! LOL.

GREAT news regarding SS, too. On Wed. after school he mentioned to me that parents can come in and read w/their kids on Friday mornings at the beginning of the school day. I said "oh, that is really cool" and he asked me if I could do it! I about fell out of my chair!!!!

I said of course I would love to do it! He has NEVER asked me to do anything of the sort, and I've never done anything regarding his school b/c BM flips her wig everytime. Once I dropped off his coat in the school office and she went apesh*t over that. She did the same one time I dropped off a check for his lunch card at his old school. It's some kind of territorial thing, like I am "not allowed" to show my presence regarding SS.

WHATEVER. I've never gone on field trips, signed up for room mom, or any other BIG thing that I know would upset her. I don't take to treats to school on his bday, etc. Those are "mom" things and I completly 100% respect that.

BUT I do all those things and more for DD and I am sure SS picks up on that.

Anyway, I figured this reading this is not a big deal since they do it 2 Fridays a month. So it's not like BM couldn't come in and do it herself one morning...

I'm sure she will flip if she finds out but you know? I don't care anymore. I still will NEVER step on her mom toes in regards to anything that is "her" turf---like room mom, parent/teacher conferences, etc.

Anyway, I told SS I would love to do it, and then Thurs. he came home with a flyer about it and he ran and showed it to me and said "you are coming, right?!" AW. I cannot tell you how touched I am that he asked me! DH was beaming. Neither of us have any idea what prompted it, but it's awesome.

So from 8:30-9:00 yesterday AM, I was in SS's classroom, and he read me some books, and then showed me around his classroom, his desk, etc. It was very cute. There were about 3-4 other parents there and it was all just very informal---get books, get comfy and READ. The kids that didn't have parents there were at their own desks reading or some were actually sitting on the rug w/us.

Two pieces of fab news I had to share!

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That is awesome!!!!!! I am so happy for you!

From one ealry riser to another ;)

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 5:19AM
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good news!
makes me a bit sad that I never ever could do anything of the sort for DD because I always worked during the day.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 11:29AM
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Wow, that's really sweet :0)

Thanks for sharing, I know it must really warm your heart after all you've been through..


    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 3:07PM
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Thats both fantastic news!!!

I hope that my gut is wrong.....but I feel a nasty call from BM coming on!!

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 9:32PM
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UGH mom2emall, it already happened!

DH got a NASTY text message this afternoon telling him to keep his wife away from HER kid and his school. Then she called DH a jerk.


The sad thing is, she probably gave SS a huge guilt trip about it. I really pray to God she didn't, as I think it meant a lot to BOTH of us that we spent that time together at his school.

DH talked to SS this evening and he said SS was really moody/emotional/crabby on the phone.

It just sucks.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 10:17PM
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Did DH respond to bm's text?

I just knew BM would throw a fit because of the past behaviors you mentioned. Its sad because there is enough room for you to attend school activities too when bm is not there. And its better for ss to have you there instead of nobody.

So to make herself feel like queen bee she plays guilt trips on her son. Jealousy is a horrible thing and it sounds like bm has it bad.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2009 at 11:26PM
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M2All--"Its sad because there is enough room for you to attend school activities too when bm is not there. And its better for ss to have you there instead of nobody". --

But this was not a case of 'instead of nobody'. The child asked LH to come, I assume he could have called BM and asked her, but he asked LH because he wanted to share this with her. Then when hears about it, BM goes BScrazy making child feel he has done something wrong.

I don't understand how a mother can feel such low self esteem without then shaking herself and saying 'what harm am I causing my son with this jealousy that is eating me up' and then seek assistance if necessary in dealing with her extreme feelings.

At what point do moms (or dads) stop and say 'my child is suffering because of my behavior'?

I get the 'its hard to send my children between two homes and watch someone other than myself be a part of kids life', but it is so unhealthy for the child for the parent to take it to such lengths as to make the child 'guilty' over asking the SM who he spents a good share of his time with to visit his classroom.

It was just last week LH was knocking herself out taking care of a sick SS, yet this week she's demonized by BM for the child asking LH to come hear him read.

I just find it really sad that some parents can't move past their own issues and emotions to help their children make the best of what life situation the parents have created for the child. I just think at some point a parent must say 'how is my behavior affecting the overall mental well being of my child'?

I really had nothing to add here, just thinking outloud.

Oh, congrats, LH on the medical news

    Bookmark   October 25, 2009 at 7:14AM
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Mom2emall, DH didn't really respond. He ignored the text. He talked to BM a bit later b/c she called to tell him that SS's soccer game was cancelled due to the muddy field.
At that point, she was really irritable w/him and he just said to her "I hope you didn't make SS feel guilty for asking LH to come to school." He told me BM didn't really answer that and just told him again that he's a jerk, that he purposely didn't tell her it was a reading Friday??? DH was so annoyed---BM has a school calendar and knows just as well that the readign Fridays are every other! AND it is true that SS could have mentioned to her if he'd wanted; he asks her to do things at school all the time---she was just slotted to go on a field trip w/his class to the zoo, but it got rained out. And she also had lunch w/him at school on Wed. PER SS'S REQUEST!!!!

Anyway, then I guess she told DH she is going to email SS's teacher w/instructions that I am not to be there for reading again.

It just makes me SO MAD. Justmetoo is totally right. I CAN UNDERSTAND how BM might feel jealous to have her child have a stepmother. HECK I know I would not like it!!!!! I just hope that I would be mature enough to put aside my own feelings for the best interest of my child. SS lives with me HALF THE TIME. Isn't it in his best interest to have a good relationship with me??? It only hurts him to have a strained relationship with me.

The thing that really chaps my you-know-what is the fact that I am d*mned if I do, d*mned if I don't. If I do all these things w/DD, and BM finds out, then I am "not treating her son equally" and being unfair to him. But then when I do try to do things with him/for him---then I am encroaching on HER territory and I'm this awful person. I cannot win for losing.

I took SS to the doctor one time when he had step and BM flipped out. But then---if I don't want to be responsible for him when he's ill, then I am this awful SM who doesn't care about him.

which is it?

It makes me want to wash my hands of everything---BUT the fact that SS asked me himself to come read at his schoool makes all the difference for me. THAT meant more to me than anything has in a loooong time...I do not intend to step back. I already told DH "screw BM" and that next time a volunteer opp. comes up at SS's school, like bookfair shifts, or a bake sale----I'm doing it. I won't do anything that is taking a one-time opportunity from BM, but if it's something where there's plenty of work to go around, I am going to volunteer. I am tired of letting her dictate SS's relationship with me.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2009 at 2:10PM
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LH, your DH needs to step up to the plate and call the teacher and tell her that you can go to the school and that if SS wants you there, there is no reason that you can't go. Does he accept BM calling him a jerk or does he tell her to stop verbally abusing him? You are 10000000% right to not let her dictate your relationship with SS. He ASKED you to be there, he WANTED you there. Are there any forums around for Bio Dads in positions similar to your DH's? Any Dad's on here with advice? Because your DH, to me, almost needs like a "support group" to help him to deal with her. I have seen it with my own DH, he has taken so much abuse and grief from his ex, and he used to think if "he" took it, then she would not inflict it on the kids of the marriage. And she STILL inflicts whatever she wants on WHOEVER she wants, just like your DH's ex. Maybe the school should know there is a restraining order against her for you. Maybe it's time to let them know what kind of "mom" they are dealing with? I don't know, if you think it would make your situation better, tell the school. If you think it will make things worse, I guess keep it to yourself!!

And Congratulations on your "tubes" being in good shape!! here's to successful baby-making!! wink!! :D

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 12:27AM
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FD said - "makes me a bit sad that I never ever could do anything of the sort for DD because I always worked during the day."

I feel the exact same way :( DS tells me "all the other parents" have lunch with their kids.

I feel like a worthless parent sometimes. I wish X would've recognized the rewards and been willing to make the sacrifice for me to stay home with DS.

Instead, I was the only one with a steady job. So it wasn't such a hard transition when we got divorced. I did all care-taking of DS anyway and pick-ups and drop-offs at daycare.

Funny, but I feel like at 10 years old, with his problems getting more complex and him being involved in more activities, that he needs me to be home more now than he ever did before. I can remember when I was in 5th grade and how cruel kids can be and how emotional things had become. I'm sure it's even worse nowdays!

But.....I guess it's not in the cards. I can't really see DH letting me stay home for a kid that isn't his since I've worked as long as he's known me. I am very envious of my friends that get to stay home, and I feel anger at those that don't participate in school activities and such with their kids when they have the luxury of not having to work that I would give left arm for.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 4:30PM
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Sorry for the hijack, LH.

Congratulations on a successful surgery!

I'm sorry BM is raining on your parade. I agree with Shannon that you don't have to take it. He specifically asked you. Why would that be any different than him asking ANYONE else? It's not.

Question, I haven't heard you mention BM's pregnancy lately. Is she really/still pregnant? Has their financial situation changed anymore?

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 4:54PM
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Gawd she is such a beast! I can not stand parents who punish their kids because of their insecurities.

IMO, DH needs to march himself to the school, tell the teacher that mom is a self-absorbed biotch, and clear the way for you to go back. BUT - we all know what will happen if you do - mom will make SS pay the price. Regardless, he needs to put on his big boy undies and go be a DAD - why does he need to let mom call the shots here and just roll over?

After that, I think he needs to sit with you and SS and explain to him that you loved going to the school and would really like to do it again, but his mom got mad. Tell him you guys are sorry if he felt any of that 'anger' on him - that he did nothing wrong by asking you to go, and you did nothing wrong by going. He should not feel guilty or bad. Then perhaps ask if he wants you to go again or not, let him know you understand if he doesn't and still love him just the same.

SS needs to realize mom is out of line, not him.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 4:56PM
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Congrats on your clear tubes! Get busy!!

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 4:58PM
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"Tell him you guys are sorry if he felt any of that 'anger' on him - that he did nothing wrong by asking you to go, and you did nothing wrong by going."

Great suggestion, JNM!

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 5:24PM
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First off, congratulations on the great baby-making news!

Now on the school deal...
I'm NOT saying you did anything wrong, but I do empathize with BioMom a bit here. My son's StepMom was a very active volunteer with my son's school, and I gotta admit, I had some problems with it. Classic turf war. (DS's school had MORE than enough parent volunteers.) Of course, DS's SM is a reasonable person, and she and I were able to work it out, though it took a few months and a few repeated requests.

I'm going to suggest that you tell SS how much you enjoyed going to his Reading Friday, and that you'd like to do it again someday, but that you heard his Mom maybe got a little bit jealous and wanted to go herself. Maybe you could suggest that his mom and you 'take turns' for future Fridays? Or that he give his mom a chance to go first, then you get to go if she can't make it?

Not that it will solve everything...

    Bookmark   October 26, 2009 at 6:25PM
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Sweeby makes a good point and your SS's BM is so EXTREMELY possessive of him....what about if you find an activity that just you and he do, that it's your "special"thing. It could be as simple as once a month ice cream at a special place, or once a week swim lessons or something...not sure if BM would let you take him to any type of lessons by yourself with him but a special ice cream day or day to go pick out something special, just the two of you, would be nice. Knowing BM, she might have TOLD him to invite you, just so that she has something new to B*tch about!! While you take SS on a special small outing, make sure your DD has something fun to do too, like with Grandma, an auntie, a friend from school, so that she doesnt get upset....!! :D Anyways, just an idea...!!

    Bookmark   October 28, 2009 at 12:22AM
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Ok so I didnt really read all of the posts I got to where Bm was going to email school or something like that that you couldnt do reading Friday.

I just wanted to let you know that in schools the great thing is that anyone who pasts a backround check (I am pretty sure that is common in schools now) anyone... and I mean ANYONE can volunteer at the school. It is not a custodial issue or a step parent issue or really anything of the sort. It boils down to someone supporting their local school.

I always always assume the kids want one of their parents to go with them on field trips parents day ... whatever... and unsually they do (although usually BM blows it off, they usually ask her first).....but if they ask me directly I absolutely grant their request. It came from them and I did not ask for it. I feel it is only right for me to do something I would love to do for someone I have come to love.

Everytime this has been an issue with the kids I have always asked them... Did you have Fun? (answer almost always yes) ... well I did too and I am very flattered that you asked me... if your mom feels sad about that I am sorry but we had a great time together (change subjec to fun things we did together on field trip remember when you did xyz).... Doesnt discount moms feelings but doesnt put a bad spin on our time together.

    Bookmark   October 28, 2009 at 11:21PM
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Well said Momof4!!!!!!!!!

    Bookmark   October 29, 2009 at 2:20PM
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