I need help with my bf's child. Well really what do I do?
I am new to this site, and I apologise if I repeat questions etc that have already been on here. I need help with my bf's child. Well really, what I should do. Does it get better? worse?
I suppose some back ground may help. Please be honest because I am at the end of my tether.
My bf and I have been together for close to 2 years. About 6months prior to us even meeting, he had left his wife. He has one child, an 11 year old boy.
At the beginning of our relationship and by beginning I mean the first year, everything was going along perfectly. We were in the process of buying a house together, plans to get engaged were happening and basically the 2 of us were loving life. His "ex" wife at the time was not happy with this, she would call my work and leave messages on the reception phone calling me a slut, a whore, marriage wrecker...you name it, it was said. She would wait at the car park of my work and follow me. She vandilised my parents house with "a whore lives here", she would send messages to him that if he didn't go back to her, she would kill herself. She would send my partner's kid to us whenever she felt like it and would tell him to make hell for us so that his mummy and daddy can be together again. Long story short, she ended up having a restraining order put on her, by myself. But excluding these little issues, my partner and I survived and made life as happy as we could.
Then came the day, a year to date now that I think about it, that the police roll up to our door and tell us that his "ex"wife had committed suicide. In the car were all of their wedding pictures and on her body where her heart should be was a fresh tattoo saying "m-- & k---- for ever".
I feel like I should have run away right then, ended the relationship before I fell too hard. But I love my partner so much. I stayed, I helped. Our house deposit was spent paying all of his ex wife's debts, the mortgage was in erres, the house was trashed, my partners name written in cat poo on the window, his son had kicked holes in the house, written on walls etc because he could. i was hurt, that money we had saved went on fixing up all of her mistakes but I felt it was the right thing to do. I even helped for 2 months to repair their marital home so that my partner could sell it to pay off the rest of her debts. There was not a wall left un touched, the carpet even had to be ripped up and replaced.
After this my partner became a full time dad. Something that he has sadmitted he never was before, nor did he want to be. I looked for a house to rent, as we were no longer in a financial position to buy. His child is very messed up (please do not hold that against me for saying that word) but it had became apparent he had not attended school for close to 4 months, he ate take away 24/7, got whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. On top of that, he had just lost his mother. I've been supportive and I have really tried to form a bond with him. The only thing I did do at the start of him coming to live with us (which now i am not sure if I should have done it) was correct him when he called me mum. I said to him that i am not his mum and that all though his mum isn't here on the earth, doesn't mean she is not watching down him. He then decided after that point that whenever he would get told off by someone he would call them "mum" and they would stop. I had his friends parents calling up about it.
My partner was very easy on his son at the start. If his child did something naughty he would turn a blind eye saying he just lost his mum etc.... But this has been on going for a year. While we were asleep he got up and stabbed holes in my brand new couches. He broke the blinds. He spilt super glue all over my dvd's (amazing that his dvd's got missed, he has been suspended 3 times from primary school for stealing from people, he stole the next door neighbours skateboard, he takes money from my wallet, he kicked my chook and tried to stab it (well you are now getting the picture). Anyway i told my partner that enough is enough and he needs to be corrected. It's hard enough to get him to move off the xbox. The thing is when you correct him, he will bring up his mum and how him and his mum did this, did that and then my partner feels guilty and stops telling him off.
When items of ours were going missing my partner blamed me, and said I was just trying to find a way to leave the relationship and that my way of doing it was sending him around the bend. Once it became apparent that it wasn't me, he apologised but all I could think was his child sat there smiling at us while we fought.
His child talks to me like im garbage and I don't get it, because I do so much for him. I make his lunch, I do his cleaning, I take him out to play with my nephews, when my partner couldn't afford the extravagant party he had promised his child or his bday present, I stepped in and paid for it, because i told him that you cannot promise a child this and then after invitations go out then decide you cannot afford it but in this last week,I help his child with his homework (well that is when he goes to school), I feel like I cannot do that anymore, because it feels like I am not getting anywhere. And in the end it's me that is copping the flack from all ends.
My partner struggles to get out of bed which in turn lost him his job he had been at for 20 years, and when I asked him why, he says its because he was given a life he didn't want to have. He told me that he didn't want children, but had agreed with his ex to have one together but on the terms that she would always be the one that would look after him. He spoke that when he was living with his ex wife, he would see his child for less that 20 mins a day. Now having him full time is too much. He barely takes the child to school anymore, and i feel like he is turning into his ex. He tried to relinquish his parental rights, because he said the his child treats us like crap and doesn't care if he destroys everyone. I told him to sit and think about it, and realise what he was thinking of is a permanent thing and that he can't just change his mind in a month or 2. And I also stated that if it was to happen then if he wanted to have a relationship with his child in the future, his child may end up resenting him.
I don't see anything wrong in admitting you cannot do it, but I thought maybe I could offer a suggestion (and all advice will be warmly welcomed) he has a friend whom helps look after his child during school hours. I suggested that he ask her if she could take him for a bit, and he payher like a "child support" until he works himself out. I mean I know that way she would make sure he goes to school, she would correct his behaviour and she would show him more love then my partner is doing at the moment. It's even a big hassle to get his child to have a shower, he's even too lazy to wipe his bum. He uses the "c" word towards me, I found him in the laundry cutting up my tops. When I asked him why he was doing it, he said "because i can", so i told him to go and sit at the kitchen table and not move. Well he did that, and when I went to the bin to put what tatters were left away, I came back in and he was back playing the xbox. I repeated the same thing and the response i got was "f**k off you aren't my mum". I explained to my partner what happened and he said he is just angry because he wants his mum.
Should I just leave the whole situation? Forget it ever happened? I know his friends think it is me that is causing my partner to dislike his own child. As i stated from word go I did not want any children (mind you this is decision was agreed upon a long time ago, partly stemming from the fact that at a young age my fertility was very minimal and the other part that I prefer my freedom to do things when i want and not be scheduled in). My partner agreed as he is 40, I'm 27. I stated that i love my nephews and nieces and like spoiling them, but that i didn't want the pressure of raising a child.
I gave it a try for my partner, I really tried but I think it failed. I go to bed most nights crying and barely am sleeping anymore because I worry about what mess I'll wake up to. God knows how many times I wake up and plates have been smashed, furniture destroyed, food squished into the floor.I can't even leave for work (because prior you will see that he stays at home and does not go to school) without setting traps around my room to make sure no one has entered. He will even go to the point of wiping poo over the walls in my bathroom. I spoke to my partner and suggested that he take his child to conselling to get him some help dealing with his emotions. And perhaps that he should take a course to on learning to cope with being a full time single dad (so to speak, in that the child's mother is deceased)but he disagreed and said he had done that, and nothing had changed so why bother any more.
I feel so lost and I think it will only get worse. The scariest part is when his child is around my partner, my partner is so angry and frustrated, selfish, rude and just plain old moody but when his child is not around, my partner is the same happy go lucky sweet heart guy I remembered. He has life in him, he is so helping and caring.
Thanking you all in advance for any words you can provide. I'm new to all of this and I just feel so lost and lonely. I'm glad that i discovered this site though, maybe there might be help from people that have been in a situation similar to mine before.