I need help with my bf's child. Well really what do I do?

lonely23October 8, 2012

Hi All,

I am new to this site, and I apologise if I repeat questions etc that have already been on here. I need help with my bf's child. Well really, what I should do. Does it get better? worse?

I suppose some back ground may help. Please be honest because I am at the end of my tether.

My bf and I have been together for close to 2 years. About 6months prior to us even meeting, he had left his wife. He has one child, an 11 year old boy.

At the beginning of our relationship and by beginning I mean the first year, everything was going along perfectly. We were in the process of buying a house together, plans to get engaged were happening and basically the 2 of us were loving life. His "ex" wife at the time was not happy with this, she would call my work and leave messages on the reception phone calling me a slut, a whore, marriage wrecker...you name it, it was said. She would wait at the car park of my work and follow me. She vandilised my parents house with "a whore lives here", she would send messages to him that if he didn't go back to her, she would kill herself. She would send my partner's kid to us whenever she felt like it and would tell him to make hell for us so that his mummy and daddy can be together again. Long story short, she ended up having a restraining order put on her, by myself. But excluding these little issues, my partner and I survived and made life as happy as we could.

Then came the day, a year to date now that I think about it, that the police roll up to our door and tell us that his "ex"wife had committed suicide. In the car were all of their wedding pictures and on her body where her heart should be was a fresh tattoo saying "m-- & k---- for ever".

I feel like I should have run away right then, ended the relationship before I fell too hard. But I love my partner so much. I stayed, I helped. Our house deposit was spent paying all of his ex wife's debts, the mortgage was in erres, the house was trashed, my partners name written in cat poo on the window, his son had kicked holes in the house, written on walls etc because he could. i was hurt, that money we had saved went on fixing up all of her mistakes but I felt it was the right thing to do. I even helped for 2 months to repair their marital home so that my partner could sell it to pay off the rest of her debts. There was not a wall left un touched, the carpet even had to be ripped up and replaced.

After this my partner became a full time dad. Something that he has sadmitted he never was before, nor did he want to be. I looked for a house to rent, as we were no longer in a financial position to buy. His child is very messed up (please do not hold that against me for saying that word) but it had became apparent he had not attended school for close to 4 months, he ate take away 24/7, got whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. On top of that, he had just lost his mother. I've been supportive and I have really tried to form a bond with him. The only thing I did do at the start of him coming to live with us (which now i am not sure if I should have done it) was correct him when he called me mum. I said to him that i am not his mum and that all though his mum isn't here on the earth, doesn't mean she is not watching down him. He then decided after that point that whenever he would get told off by someone he would call them "mum" and they would stop. I had his friends parents calling up about it.

My partner was very easy on his son at the start. If his child did something naughty he would turn a blind eye saying he just lost his mum etc.... But this has been on going for a year. While we were asleep he got up and stabbed holes in my brand new couches. He broke the blinds. He spilt super glue all over my dvd's (amazing that his dvd's got missed, he has been suspended 3 times from primary school for stealing from people, he stole the next door neighbours skateboard, he takes money from my wallet, he kicked my chook and tried to stab it (well you are now getting the picture). Anyway i told my partner that enough is enough and he needs to be corrected. It's hard enough to get him to move off the xbox. The thing is when you correct him, he will bring up his mum and how him and his mum did this, did that and then my partner feels guilty and stops telling him off.

When items of ours were going missing my partner blamed me, and said I was just trying to find a way to leave the relationship and that my way of doing it was sending him around the bend. Once it became apparent that it wasn't me, he apologised but all I could think was his child sat there smiling at us while we fought.

His child talks to me like im garbage and I don't get it, because I do so much for him. I make his lunch, I do his cleaning, I take him out to play with my nephews, when my partner couldn't afford the extravagant party he had promised his child or his bday present, I stepped in and paid for it, because i told him that you cannot promise a child this and then after invitations go out then decide you cannot afford it but in this last week,I help his child with his homework (well that is when he goes to school), I feel like I cannot do that anymore, because it feels like I am not getting anywhere. And in the end it's me that is copping the flack from all ends.

My partner struggles to get out of bed which in turn lost him his job he had been at for 20 years, and when I asked him why, he says its because he was given a life he didn't want to have. He told me that he didn't want children, but had agreed with his ex to have one together but on the terms that she would always be the one that would look after him. He spoke that when he was living with his ex wife, he would see his child for less that 20 mins a day. Now having him full time is too much. He barely takes the child to school anymore, and i feel like he is turning into his ex. He tried to relinquish his parental rights, because he said the his child treats us like crap and doesn't care if he destroys everyone. I told him to sit and think about it, and realise what he was thinking of is a permanent thing and that he can't just change his mind in a month or 2. And I also stated that if it was to happen then if he wanted to have a relationship with his child in the future, his child may end up resenting him.

I don't see anything wrong in admitting you cannot do it, but I thought maybe I could offer a suggestion (and all advice will be warmly welcomed) he has a friend whom helps look after his child during school hours. I suggested that he ask her if she could take him for a bit, and he payher like a "child support" until he works himself out. I mean I know that way she would make sure he goes to school, she would correct his behaviour and she would show him more love then my partner is doing at the moment. It's even a big hassle to get his child to have a shower, he's even too lazy to wipe his bum. He uses the "c" word towards me, I found him in the laundry cutting up my tops. When I asked him why he was doing it, he said "because i can", so i told him to go and sit at the kitchen table and not move. Well he did that, and when I went to the bin to put what tatters were left away, I came back in and he was back playing the xbox. I repeated the same thing and the response i got was "f**k off you aren't my mum". I explained to my partner what happened and he said he is just angry because he wants his mum.

Should I just leave the whole situation? Forget it ever happened? I know his friends think it is me that is causing my partner to dislike his own child. As i stated from word go I did not want any children (mind you this is decision was agreed upon a long time ago, partly stemming from the fact that at a young age my fertility was very minimal and the other part that I prefer my freedom to do things when i want and not be scheduled in). My partner agreed as he is 40, I'm 27. I stated that i love my nephews and nieces and like spoiling them, but that i didn't want the pressure of raising a child.

I gave it a try for my partner, I really tried but I think it failed. I go to bed most nights crying and barely am sleeping anymore because I worry about what mess I'll wake up to. God knows how many times I wake up and plates have been smashed, furniture destroyed, food squished into the floor.I can't even leave for work (because prior you will see that he stays at home and does not go to school) without setting traps around my room to make sure no one has entered. He will even go to the point of wiping poo over the walls in my bathroom. I spoke to my partner and suggested that he take his child to conselling to get him some help dealing with his emotions. And perhaps that he should take a course to on learning to cope with being a full time single dad (so to speak, in that the child's mother is deceased)but he disagreed and said he had done that, and nothing had changed so why bother any more.

I feel so lost and I think it will only get worse. The scariest part is when his child is around my partner, my partner is so angry and frustrated, selfish, rude and just plain old moody but when his child is not around, my partner is the same happy go lucky sweet heart guy I remembered. He has life in him, he is so helping and caring.

Thanking you all in advance for any words you can provide. I'm new to all of this and I just feel so lost and lonely. I'm glad that i discovered this site though, maybe there might be help from people that have been in a situation similar to mine before.

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This boy is suffering big time from the traumatic death of his mother. The BM sounds like she had serious mental issues and I bet the boy has some as well.

It's sad, BF doesn't even want his own son. This boy definitely needs counseling and your BF probably does as well, but if BF refuses to get help for himself or his boy, there isn't anything you can do.

Granted, the boy has been through a terrible ordeal, but that is no excuse for destroying your clothes and wiping crap on the walls. He's allowed to use his mother's death as an excuse for bad behavior, which is setting him up for a lifetime of failure. He needs serious help that you can't give him. It sounds like you have been very patient and understanding but there comes a point where there's nothing more you can do.

And the fact that the boy is not going to school is a problem. I'm not sure, but it seems the father could get in trouble for not making his son go to school.

Yeah, it's a mess, sadly the only person you can save is yourself. I know part of you wants to stay and help these two wounded souls, but they need help that you can't give. You've done more than enough, it's time to give yourself permission to leave.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2012 at 8:50AM
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I agree with Amber. This boy was messed up by his mother before she died, and has become more messed up since her death. His father doesn't want him, which must be making him worse -surely he picks up the "unwanted" vibe. He needs serious, long term, professional help. If he continues down this road I foresee him spending a lot of his adult life in prison.
As for Dad, he's showing his true colours. Maybe he is a nice guy when he's child-free, but that doesn't excuse his behaving like a jerk now that he's been required to step up and be a parent to the son he fathered. He needs to recognise that his son needs help, and to hold him accountable for his behaviour. How long is he planning to excuse his son's unacceptable behaviour because "he's lost his mum"?
You can't live like this and you shouldn't want to tie yourself to someone who is only a fair weather Charlie. You should be out there looking for someone who will still be a sweetheart when things are going pear shaped- that's the test of a good man.
Say your goodbyes and set yourself free.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2012 at 12:22PM
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I agree with Amber. You are in a no win situation. You need to take care of yourself. Leave. Go as far away as you can. People who want help get it. People who want to change, change. Flee!

    Bookmark   October 8, 2012 at 12:30PM
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This situation is so bad at first I wondered if it was real. But I know such things do happen, so I am going to respond accordingly.

My first thought is Run.

My second thought is this child is dangerously disturbed. His behaviors are way off the chart for the normal range of grieving responses. If he doesn't get serious professional help (perhaps even a residential program), four or five years down the road he may be cutting you up, not your clothing. I am serious. This has the potential to be life-threatening.

Beyond that, for a long-term partner you need more than happy-go-lucky. Everyone hits bad points in life. When that happens, you need more than a partner who "checks out" when things get difficult. What if you get cancer? Is this someone you can depend on for support? Frankly, it doesn't sound like it.

You are young. I know you've invested a lot, financially and emotionally, but sometimes the best thing you can do is cut your losses and move on. As painful as it is, regard this as a valuable reality check and get out now.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2012 at 2:21PM
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Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people.

Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son.

Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem.

LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do.

Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone).

Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength.

You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2012 at 9:51PM
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Sounds like you are gathering the strength to leave.
I'm glad. I know you worry about letting your BF and his son down, but in leaving you are actually doing them a kindness. Being their crutch is not doing them any favors and by leaving you will force BF to stand on his own two feet.

Good luck to you Lonely23! Hopefully you won't be lonely for long.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2012 at 8:47AM
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Enough is enough. Time for your partner to solve his own problems, and for you to build yourself a better life. If 23 is your age, you have lots of time to recover from your losses.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2012 at 4:53PM
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I didn't read everyone's responses, so sorry if I am repeating anything.

To me your partner sounds like a jerk! Agreeing to have a child with someone as long as he didn't have to take care of it! Only spending 20 min a day with him when he was living in the same home!?! What kind of man does that honestly? If he didn't want a child he should not have had one!

Now he is not doing anything about his sons issues. They are not going to go away. And instead of trying to help his son he is thinking on how to get rid of him? I honestly would not want to be with someone that selfish.

If I were you I would run away from this relationship! It doesn't sound like you are getting much happiness out of it anymore anyways! Find someone who you can have a real life with.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 2:56PM
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