Just need to vent

katywOctober 8, 2009

I tripped over this forum tonight... and related to so many of the posts. I have been a SM for 15 years. While there have been many happy times, overall, the relationship is HARD! Today I was feeling the sting acutely... and realized I have NO ONE to talk to! DH gets resentful and defensive when I say how frustrated I am by lack of relationship with SSs. The funny thing is, I should be dancing and counting blessings. The older of the 2 SSs has really turned around. At 23, when he visits us, he calls me by name, helps around the house, shares thoughts, and directs conversations my way. My younger SS, age 20, tries to will me into non-existence. I know I have to let go -- it's just so painful. Especially when my inlaws join us, I feel like I am providing hotel and restaurant services for ungrateful strangers! I thought I was a smart person... but apparently not... I just never learn my lessons... I keep doing things (preparing food, making beds etc) for SS that are simply not wanted. This morning, I threw the uneaten breakfast (and the pan!!) in the garbage. There are plenty of takeout places in our neighborhood. This kitchen is CLOSED! I think we'll all be happier.

One more thing... why does DH not notice that SS does not talk to me or address me by name when he needs something? I have pointed this out over the years, but DH shrugs me off. (Sometimes, my name is "um," but usually, it's not even that much).

I'm just feeling lonely tonight, and am allowing myself this one-eveing pity party. I'm so happy I found this forum to VENT. I realize that I have no one to talk to, since I do not want to put SS in a negative light in front of anyone I know.

Yes, I'm happy to be married, yes, I chose the right man, but sheesh... I didn't expect the "blended" family difficulties to follow us this long. For the record, we are NOT "blended." Crudely stapled maybe, but not blended.

Thanks for reading. I hope that your step family runs smoother than mine!!

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Welcome Katy - glad to have you here. We all need a place to vent and feel connected - even if it is in cyberspace!

You will find several woman here with situations similar to yours and hopefully find comfort knowing you are not alone. You will also hear of situations much worse and be thankful all you are called is "um. . ."

My advice to you is to take care of YOU. At 20 your SS doesn't need to have his meals cooked or bed made. Spend the time you would have spent on these tasks on something YOU enjoy - a good book, or a browse on here. Don't bother looking back on all the 'wasted' time spent on your SS's - spilled milk. Take charge of the present and the future, and if luck is on your side he will turn around like his brother.

Hugs to you tonight - please know you are not alone.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 1:51AM
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Hi Katy --

You sound like a pretty together person and a good StepMom. So you get to have a pity party every now and again - no harm, no foul. (Particularly tellin gis your phrase "I do not want to put SS in a negative light in front of anyone I know." Good for you!

For what it's worth, SS 20's behavior isn't all that untypical for males of that age in intact families! So try and view it as a 'him thing' rather than a 'you thing' or a 'step thing'.

And as NotMartha says, it's high time to lower the care-taking threshhold. Don't do it while you're still angry. Wait until you're calm again, then at a family dinner, announce your decision. (I'd clue in Dad beforehand.) Maybe tie your decision into another life change? Like going back to school, taking up an activity, volunteering? That'll take any 'sting' out of it...

But most of all - Welcome to the Forum! Hope you hang around!

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 9:14AM
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Ah, Katy ((Katy))
I'm glad you've found a place to come and vent...and have good people put their arms and good thoughts around you :)

I think the most important step in successful step parenting is having the bio parent behind you 100+ percent.
If my hubby shrugged his shoulders, or ignored the behavior of one of his own treating me with disrespect I'd have to wonder what regard he has for my well being. Is it each man for himself? Am I to be discounted? If a "friend" was treating me in that manner would he suggest I continue the abusive relationship? Am I'm to protect his grown sons vulnerability at expense of my own? Would that behavior be acceptable if he was treating Grandma in this manner?
And lastly, knowing that the relationship a man has with his mother (or SM) and the way he treats her is a strong indicator of the way he will treat his wife or daughter, would my husband be proud to have raised a boy with those values? Would he shrug his shoulders to his son calling his girl child "um"? Or would he want to step up to the plate now and show his son how to protect a family member and all that entails?

Who was your DH role model?

See, I think your hubby has a responsibility to guide his boys in the ways a gentleman behaves. And to allow this grown young man to continue this behavior will be detrimental in the boys future success with people in general. He's not a sulking teen any longer and shouldn't be allowed to behave as though he were.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 3:33PM
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"I think your hubby has a responsibility to guide his boys in the ways a gentleman behaves. And to allow this grown young man to continue this behavior will be detrimental in the boys future success with people in general. He's not a sulking teen any longer and shouldn't be allowed to behave as though he were."


& your hubs, "right man" though you want to think he is, should have put a stop to this nonsense years ago.

Let hubs know, in a matter-of-fact way that does not involve defending your decision, that the kitchen is closed to *everyone*.

You aren't a hired hand, & neither he nor his relatives are treating you like a family member, so when he wants to entertain them at your home, you'll have your dinner at a restaurant, cafe, Waffle House, or city park (take a book!), & enjoy yourself & your meal & the pleasant breeze & the wonderful sensation of someone else cleaning the kitchen!

Life is short.
Enjoy your time here on this earth.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2009 at 6:25PM
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