omg-ss29 homeless

lamomOctober 16, 2009

I've posted here a lot about my SS29 (30 in November!), his indifference to DS7, his not working, not completing school, two kids 8/12 and 2 1/2 etc etc etc.

Well, after "breaking up" with his rent paying gf, he followed her and his kids to HER sister's Section 8 apartment way out in the boondocks. That apartment now holds two women, four kids and two non working boyfriends! Well, the management company came down on them and said SS29 had to go as you can only stay in an apartment for a maximum of 10 days as a "guest." DH told me tonight that SS29 wants to stay with us for " a little while."

Now, I don't want him homeless but I don't want him flopping with us. SD36 has a four bedroom home and hasn't invited him to stay with her just to help you get the picture. DH is going on about him being on the streets and maybe he will grow up then but still wants him to stay with us for a while. Shudder.

I don't want his chaotic, non working, jealous, eat us out of house and home, trifling self living with me. And the two kids that might come along with him. It's not like he has gone out of his way to get close to me and after the indifference he's shown my son while he was ill I feel very chilly.Not to mention the spectre of having BM somehow involved in my household with him around. I don't think DH will press me to make this one happen and I am just not going for it. Call me the evil SM, but the inn is closed. Trying to think of how to put the H_LL No gently, LOL.

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Sounds to me like you're going to do it, or why haven't you said "H_LL No" already?

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 12:58AM
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Not gently, just H-ll No!
Good luck!!

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 1:59AM
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Agreeing with Thermometer and Yabber --
If your answer is 'H-ll No!' (and I can see why it would be), then firmly say "H-ll No!" (Say it soon, and say it clearly.)

You can follow it up with: "Honey, you said yourself that if he ends up on the streets, then maybe he will grow up. And you've said over and over again that *something* needs to change. Well NOW is the time. If someone bails him out again, then *nothing* will change. It's hard to draw the line, but if nobody does it, then things will never turn around."

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 9:25AM
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SAY NO!!!!!

I promise he won't be "homeless" for long. SS will get sick of going with out when the hand outs stop and he'll DO SOMETHING!

Is he mentally ill? Is he handicap? Is he in school full time? If the answer is no, no and no this guy needs to man up and support his own behind. DOn't let yourself get trapped. Once this guy is a fixture on your couch again it will take forever to get him back out the door.

Good luck:)

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 10:57AM
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"Is he mentally ill? Is he handicap? Is he in school full time? If the answer is no, no and no this guy needs to man up and support his own behind. DOn't let yourself get trapped. Once this guy is a fixture on your couch again it will take forever to get him back out the door."

DITTO Doodle!

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 11:09AM
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Thermometer and all, I'm not going to do it. LOL, I don't need anymore problems especially of that kind, but I don't want to come off as the stepmother who is dropping him off at skid row either. I've already said H_LL No to any long term move-in, shared that in a previous post. Now I'm being approached with "just a while."

Put it to DH this morning, if " a while" is overnight, NO LUGGAGE and he's gone tomorrow, OK as we need a babysitter tonight anyway. Trying to go on a date night for the first time in a long time. If it's more than that, open ended in ANY way, no can do. DH seemed surprised, but I'm surprised he is even thinking about it.

DH is on the fence himself, out of one side of his mouth about how unmotivated SS29 is, how a stay in the streets might help him man up etc. Out of the other side, how SS29 can help out with DS7 and around the house. That led to me dropping diplomacy and saying that SS29 hasn't done anything for DS7 before and won't now other than shove him out of his bedroom. That really ticked me off!

So, we'll see if he Babysits overnight tonight, which is all I've signed up to, or figures something else out elsewhere. But, uh uh, he ain't moving in with us. Or at least not with me! Husband has an office with a couch and an air mattress. I've already said that is a great place for SS29 to rest his head while he figures things out. DH seemed shocked I was so cold. That denial is really something!

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 11:20AM
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This is how it starts!!! Hire a babysitter!! The price of your SS doing it is just too much.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 11:28AM
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"just awhile" is BS. All that is is a foot in the door. Once that foot is back in there you won't get it back out again. It will be just awhile longer....just awhile longer...just awhile longer.

I'm telling you, if he's faced with getting it together or living in the streets he WILL figure something out. He won't live in a cardboard box. He is trying to wriggle his way out of this situation with as little effort as possible. He is weighing his options...that's all. The man is 30. He'll be fine.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 11:39AM
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I agree with Geri and Boodle (*snickers at Boodle*).

Liken to bringing a puppy home. We've all been there. Someone wants a puppy. They keep getting told "no", but bring it home anyway. Then what are you supposed to do? Kick the puppy out in the cold cruel world? Then you start thinking that the puppy is actually kind of cute and could stay IF no home is found for it. You don't want to take it to the pound because it could get put to sleep. The next thing you know, the person who wanted the puppy is scampering off to here and there and you are outside picking up the poop wondering how you got there in the first place.

Moral of the story: DON'T LET THE PUPPY IN THE DOOR! LOL!

Just as an aside, I don't think YOU are the one letting the puppy in. I think your DH is.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 12:32PM
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While I agree, don't let SS in, I also think your husband is going to have a real hard time with the situation.

It's his son. No matter what a bum the son has turned out to be, dad is going to struggle with turning his son out to the streets. But why does it have to be the streets being the only option?

Tell husband, your home is off limits, it's not a solution in actually 'helping' son for starters. It brings son's dysfuction into your home and enables him to continue his ways.

But if I you I would then assist husband in looking for other options. Turning son in the streets may make son's life even more dyfunctional with drugs, sex, crime ect.

If son has the children the state might provide temp. shelter and assistance. There is also the idea of enlisting in the military that might be a good thing for son if they would indeed take him.

His sister's house is not an option and should not be considered.

Let dad get busy looking for real assistance and solutions for his son if dad is feeling helpless and guilty. That might mean anything from a list of homeless shelters to dropping him off at the local enlistment office to delivering the son and his kids to the DCFS office.

I think you must show acknowledgement of how hard this is for dad and be supportive to your husband in any efforts to seek solutions, but be firm, don't let your home be the answer.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 4:00PM
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Set him up in a motel/apartment, pay two months rent and tell him that's it. Time to sink or swim.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 7:22PM
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What type of work experience does SS have?

If I'm not mistaken, being a building super or Apartment Manager comes with housing...

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 8:54PM
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@justmetoo, you are right, this is hard emotionally for my husband. However, it's not the first or even second time that SS29 has found himself without a place to live, just the first time that none of his usual fall backs, his BM, dad, grandmother, sister, or gf are backing him up. I feel for DH, Everyone wants to feel proud of their children and no one wants to see them suffer, even when the "suffering" is of their own creation.

On "turning him out in to the streets", we are not turning him out. Just not really inviting him in and there is a big difference to me.

Maime suggested setting him up in a motel or apartment and paying a couple of months rent. BOTH of those have been done for him in the past. Once DH's deposits ran out on that apartment years ago, he was evicted and moved in with GF. About a year later, after SS and GF had their 1st baby(remember there are two, daddy with no income) with no home of their own to go to, once DH's upfront payments ran out at a motel, and he refused to keep chipping in, BM footed the bill at a motel for SS, GF and SGS 8 1/2 who was an infant at the time until she started financially crippling herself. Even a cheap motel room gets expensive, it was $50/day and SS had not figured out that he was costing his mother $1500 a month for a one room motel room! DH paid for other things like diapers, formula, food, bus passes with an allowance! Even I, evil SM, got in to the act with clothes for the baby, some cash and shuttling them a few times to pediatrician appointments. SD eventually let them stay at her home temporarily but luckily her husband insisted that it be short term only. Them or him he said, went on a long business trip and insisted they be gone when he came back! Then BM rented a townhouse and singlehandley supported SS, GF, SGS and herself for year or two in another effort to prevent homelessness. Of course, before, all of the family efforts to prevent homelessness were anchored on protecting their kids. But now, his kids aren't in the crisis mix, just him, 30 years old. GF has them settled in her sister's Section 8 apartment in the desert.

This is a long and sorry tale. I'm only talking about the misadventures as it relates to SS living situations, not so many other things. I really do feel for my husband as I have seen him endure embarrassment and not a little shame regarding his adult son. I've had anger, he has had anger and shame. DH moved out from his childhood home after high school, went to work and college and never looked back with his hand out! My personal road has been softer but my parents would NEVER have had me on the dole like this Grown man has been for years.

On the question regarding whether SS29 is mentally ill, to me, that is the BIG question that's been on the table a long time. DH, BM and SD don't say so, at least not to me of course, but that's always in the back of their minds I believe. But, then, they say he is functional and expect him to be...

    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 9:05PM
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La, your post literally made me a little queasy. This is exactly how it all started here-And you know how it ended up. 29 yr old ss is living in our house which DH is paying for and we are living in a "borrowed" place indefinately. Because DH was woried SS would be "out on the streets" with G-child. Um, he has a FT job making as much as I do, just refuses to live within his means. Yea, I fell for that too. Supposedly it was for a few weeks, then a few months, then forever, Oh and by the way I made SS ucomfortable in our home so...

I hope you say no to DH & mean it because you know how it'll be and your precious DS has been through enough. He needs his home to be as peaceful & comfortable as possible and frankly his health is far more important than feeding SS's disfunction/whatever it is.

"but I don't want to come off as the stepmother who is dropping him off at skid row either"

You need to get over this because you will ALWAYS be the evil stepmother in this scenario-trust me! Your DH is ensuring you will be the baddie here because HE wont say no. Sorry, stick to your guns here, stay strong. Put on your wicked stepmum hat & wear it with pride-or run away, far far away where you & your DS can live peacefully without all the hangers-on.

I feel for you, I really do. Eerily similar situations.


    Bookmark   October 16, 2009 at 10:14PM
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I never meant to imply that you were an evil stepmom here, because I don't think you are. I was thinking more of you helping your husband with his difficulty of handling the situation.

When the entire extended family has done all it you say it has all these years and SS is still in the dysfunctional state he is, I don't see how any of it has 'helped' SS nor why husband thinks anything will be different this time. Husband needs to understand housing and giving handouts to son are not enough to 'fix him'.

Mentally ill? Maybe. Would SS go to be evaluated if Dad makes an appointment and offers to take him to the first visit?

Good luck to you all, just keep your door shut, cause it's not the answer/solution, not when it's been tried over and over again and the only thing changing is SS getting older and older.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2009 at 6:40AM
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Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I did tell DH that we didn't need SS29 to babysit last night so I hired another sitter AND that I was uncomfortable with him staying with us any length of time beyond one night. DH replied, in a testy way, OK he won't stay with us. Now, I think that I was letting him off the hook by being the bad guy here but he is always ambivalent about his grown son. He wants to help, he wants him to stand on his own two feet, back and forth.

Be all that it may be, SS29 actually helped get us off the hook yesterday! DH was going to pay him as he has since high school to do oddjobs at his office and around the house. Trifiling SS29 called and spun off some BS about applying for a job fair or something, he missed the train, blah blah it was too confusing for me to concentrate on. This made DH angry as he had planned his day around receiving SS. Then he heard from BM and GF that SS29 is planning to attend an Oktoberfest event with his buddies. For any of you who don't know, Oktoberfest is basically a big beer bust. Um, aren't you supposed to be desperately homeless? DH lost sympathy and said forget the entire thing. Relief flooded my body!

I told DH that I thought it really was for the best and he grumbled his agreement which was good enough for me.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2009 at 12:25PM
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he doesn't have to be homeless. he can stay with his sister, his mother, his other family members, his friends. no need to feel guilty, there are plenty of other people who he can stay with.

if he would be a hard working just out of luck unemployed or in a lot of debt or made some mistakes wiht finances, then I would consider helping him and letting him stay for awhile. but knowing the history then i think it is not going to help anyone. he isn't going to change.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2009 at 12:30PM
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